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Imagine someone on your team sends a mass email to you and the rest of the team that seems to challenge you or your ideas.  What’s your response?

Or, imagine that your four year old has disobeyed you for the 34th time since lunch. They’re pushing all the right buttons, and you feel like you are going to explode. What’s your response?

Or finally, imagine that your significant other makes comment about a job you said you were going to do around the house, but you just have not gotten around to it yet. Their comment is said with kind words, but it feels passive aggressive, like they’re not saying what is really on their mind. What’s your response?

I have been thinking a lot lately about conflict, and how it often escalates because of the way people respond. Before commenting further, however, let me clarify that conflict is not a naughty word. In work, parenting, and marriage, conflict is inevitable. We should, therefore, embrace it by having real one-on-one conversations with those we have conflict with. Having said that, and the point of today’s post, is there are things we can do to de-escalate conflict.

Imagine…

Instead of “replying all” to the threatening email, you have a one-on-one discussion about the issue with the person that sent it. In doing so, you give voice to their perspective, and even appreciate some of the good points they made. But, you also share your perspective, and do so in a way that is strong, kind, and not defensive.

If done correctly, the two of you have de-escalated the situation. The benefit for your co-workers copied is that they don’t have to receive the email barrage of the two of you going back and forth, nor do they have to spend any more mental energy worrying about the conflict.

The same can be said about the four year old and the spouse. Not that I would know on either front (I wish!), but since I have a four year old, I have to realize that every time I give in to my anger, and thus escalate the situation, I am in reality putting more stress on the entire household. And with my wife, we created a routine early in our marriage to force us to resolve the daily conflicts that arise before they escalate out of control. We talk and pray together each night (and it is really hard to pray with someone that you have unresolved conflict with!). So if the situation above arose, we know we don’t have to react immediately in anger—we have dedicated space and time to talk about it in the flow of our daily lives as a married couple.

The next time a scenario pops up, at work or at home, the question I challenge you to ask yourself is this:

Are you a de-escalator?

If so, act accordingly.

And, on another note, as a leader, identify the de-escalators within your organization.  I like promoting these people because it makes my life–and the life of the organization—better!

I was speaking recently with one of our plant managers when they shared a tremendous insight:

“The break room does not lie.”

What they meant by this statement is that in order to understand what is really happening in their plant, they needed to go to the break room and listen to their team.

To be clear, this isn’t detective work.

Rather, it is “leader” work.

As the leader, it is our job to be inquisitive. It is our job to ask how our team is doing? Maybe one of them has a health issue, or a family issue. Real life is shared when the curtain is down, when the play is stopped, and everyone has a chance to breath.

This is why the break room does not lie.

What about the new company initiative? Is it failing because people are lazy? Or is it failing because of unforeseen complications that management never imagined?

The break room does not lie.

What this conversation reminded me was how important it is for me to walk through our building, have genuine conversations, and get to know PEOPLE. For in order to understand issues, you first have to get to know people.

And coming full circle, this is why this insight is tremendous. For spending time in the break room, establishing relationships with people in their element, is the job of the plant manager.

It actually is the job of EVERY leader.

If you’re in the business world, you’ve been turned down by a customer claiming that your bid just isn’t “competitive.”  What exactly does that mean?

Does it mean:

They can buy it cheaper elsewhere?

Everyone else is cheaper?

That our competitor has better quality than us?

That they deliver faster than us?

That they’re more innovative?

Or, is the criteria something internal to them?

Are they measured by how much money they can save their organization up front, thus they need to find the “best” deal?

Are they measured by total cost – upfront AND cost of quality — and the solution they are choosing is the most valuable?

Or, do they just want a discount because negotiation is a game, and if they don’t get a discount, it most likely means they are losers in the deal?

“You are not competitive” is often a cop-out for one of the above, or something else altogether. It can potentially mean many things, and it is simply not helpful.

What’s helpful are genuine conversations. Information that leads to a better understanding of what the customer is looking for, and how we can get better.

(And we can always get better.)

And one more thing…

I would never use Kohl’s as a “market comparison” to Nordstrom prices, nor would I be allowed to comp home values from an apartment on Lake Shore Drive in hopes of increasing the value of my suburban home.

Why, then, is this acceptable in the B2B world?

So let’s all try to avoid this phrase.  It doesn’t do any of us any good.  Instead, let’s be honest about what we really want.

Most people dread going to meetings. I think this is the case because there is too much wasted time in meetings. So, I will get to the point.

Here are three changes I recently implemented to meetings:

1.  I am cutting the length of every meeting I lead in half. 

Here are the reasons why I doing this: 

It forces me to have an agenda It forces me to stick to the agenda It should keep me to discussing one topic or initiative It is a free way to boost morale (seriously) It is a cost savings to the organization (add the salaries up of the people in the meeting, and calculate how much you are spending for them to be sitting there)It communicates my values to the organization

2. Create Thinking Time

This is going to sound counter-intuitive, but one value of meetings is to bring an issue to light and ask the group to think about it. Real thinking takes time. Therefore, I am not talking about creating thinking time IN the meeting, but rather, asking the group to think about it OUTSIDE the meeting. Then, as the leader, I will setup a follow-up meeting and have more discussion on whatever the subject matter is.  

3.  Decide what you want the implicit outcome(s) to be. 

As a leader, you are always modeling behavior. Therefore, what are the implicit outcomes of the meetings you hold? The changes above aim to have two. First, by cutting meetings in half, I aim for the organization to think about EFFICIENCY. How can we run the organization more efficiently, meetings included? Second, by creating – and practicing – “thinking time,” the aim for the organization is to practice sound decision making, rather than practicing snap decisions. Let’s be honest, we live in a reactionary culture. So one way to counter balance that is to create space for our teammates slow down, think, and make more deliberate decisions.

How can you change your meetings?

What are you communicating to your team by the way your meetings run? 

The above won’t “fix” meetings, but I will continue to work to make meetings better.

Will you? 

The amount of information these days is absolutely staggering. At the risk of completely exposing myself, here are inputs – information of various kinds – that I typically interact with daily.

• Each day starts with the Bible around 515 a.m.
• A business or leadership podcast while I am getting ready.
• LeaderBox book during breakfast (I am taking some time off LeaderBox to read other materials for the time being)
• Occasionally more podcasting on the way to work or home from work.More podcasting in the gym (3 to 4 days per week).
• Various interactions with the Internet.
• Various interactions with Social Media (more on blog posting days).
• Email (I’d guess I receive 250-350 messages per day via work and personal accounts. I’d guess that 80% of these can be easily deleted, but they still add to the overall information overload)
• Unsolicited text messages. I’m referring here to the random messages from well-meaning friends, but also add to the overall noise of the day.
• Phone notifications (related to news and sports, although I have cut these down as well).
• History book or fiction novel I read or listen to in the evenings for my own betterment and enjoyment.

Please understand that this is not a brag, but a confession:

I’m insecure as a leader.

I feel like if I am not working hard enough, reading enough, pushing myself enough, that I will fail.

Worse, I struggle with my self-worth when these things are not happening.

I feel lazy and unworthy.

As of March 29 – the day I am writing this post – I have read 11 books already in 2018.

I still don’t feel adequate.

I even feel enslaved to my own routines.

This is my confession to all still reading.

I am just being real.

Where do we go from here?

I write and speak often about the need to do what is uncomfortable. For many, that means picking up the book they normally would not read, creating time to go to the gym, or deciding before the big meal that they are not going to eat the unhealthy option.

But as I am confessing here, some of us need a counterbalance. We need to give ourselves permission to take the foot off the gas.

To rest.

To have fun.

To slow down and delight.

The pace I have gone in this first quarter is unsustainable on many fronts, inputs being one of them.

I am owning that.

What about you?

Do you need to slow down?

Or, do you need to get started?

That’s inventory only you can take.

So, take it.

Examine where you are, and make the necessary changes to get better.

And in the process, let’s remember that negative self-talk is not going to get either of us anywhere.

So let’s bring it to the light, and call it the liar that it is.

Together.

An article a few years back claimed that Starbucks offers more than 80,000 drink combinations. At Starbucks, you can apparently have your cake, and eat it, too.

But, you can’t negotiate the price of any of those 80,000 variations. In fact, the price for your grande, half calf, no whip, 2% peppermint mocha is not up for debate.

Nor is Starbucks willing to share what their ingredients cost, or the profit % they have added on top of everything. Yet, the local Starbucks I frequently visit is not lacking in customers.

Most aren’t.

How does Starbucks continue to thrive?

They don’t have the cheapest coffee. In fact, they have a reputation for being the most expensive fast-food coffee you can order.

Nor is the coffee the best. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy their dark roast. But I also would not be caught saying “Starbucks has great coffee” in front of a coffee aficionado.

Is it their service?

What about the ambiance? (Remember Caribou? Didn’t they mostly copy Starbucks’ ambiance and still fail?)

Or, what about the value of accepting all walks of people?

None of these are the answer.

The real answer is value.

Please understand, everything listed above matters immensely, because every element of the business leads to the overall perceived value of the product. It is the combination of the above —with every component being done extremely well —that leads to the overall value.

Just think…

At Starbucks you can have your drink 80,000 different ways, made from quality ingredients, and served by Baristas that will not only learn your name, but also will engage with you personally. All this happens in an environment that is open, clean, and accepting to all.

No wonder I don’t bat an eye when they charge me close to $3 for a Venti Dark Roast.

The value is worth it.

If you’ve been following my blog for any length of time, you probably get tired of me whining about our collective need for encouragement. The fact remains that we all have an inner-critic that does not tire easily, especially when what we are attempting is not easy.

Avid reader of this blog, and friend, Mark, recently sent me this message:

“Your blog keeps me going and recharges me. Don’t ever stop, and please pass along my thanks to your wife for her assistance and guidance. It makes a true difference in my life and I usually read it with my wife as well.”

Encouragement like this is often the kryptonite for the inner-critic.

Thank you for the reminder, Mark!

My goal with the blog is to authentically, and often vulnerably, share leadership stories that empower and inspire others in their leadership. I also hope this blog furthers relationships with others, so that we can be there for each other, as Mark was for me today.

To that end, Mark’s encouragement reminded me that I need to be encouraging to others right now. So instead of spending any more time reading this blog, why don’t you—and I — write a heartfelt note to someone that comes to mind?

It just might mean the world to that person….