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If your intuition is that what you’re doing —whatever it may be —is making someone upset, why don’t you simply ask:

Is what I am doing making you upset?

I recently asked this question to one of my direct reports who is a manager within the company. I had previously set up meetings with their team members (without the manager present) in hopes of establishing personal relationships with them —a goal of mine is to be accessible to the whole organization.  The manager knew about the meetings and was, at least initially, all right with the idea.  My intention was to create trust and demonstrate that I could hear difficult feedback from these individuals —even if it was about their “manager”—and maintain confidentiality. I also wanted to be cognizant of the amount of the meetings the “manager” already had and not add to that list.

As time went by, however, I could tell that the meetings were becoming a sore spot in my relationship with this manager. In fact, their initial “silence as acceptance” posture appeared to be migrating to “passive annoyance.” So before it became “passive aggressive” I went ahead and asked: Are these meetings I’m having with your team making you upset?

A long pause ensued.

After long consideration, the answer was yes. They understood the relational element —even appreciated it —but they felt that their absence was encouraging unhealthy dynamics, like gossip, to exist.

Hearing this feedback affirmed my intuition that something was amiss. Frankly, “gossip” was not the problem that I feared, nor was it a problem in the current meeting structure. The problem I realized was developing, though, was role confusion. For the closer I became to this team, the more willing they would be to come to me when they have an issue. By changing course, and inviting the manager back into the meeting, I could still communicate that I am always accessible, but their first point of contact is always their manager.

The points here are simple:

Have direct conversations with those you lead, and be willing to ask the uncomfortable question of whether what you are doing is upsetting them.

If the answer is yes, and there is merit to that concern, listen to the feedback and change course as necessary.

As I learned, this not only alleviates potential conflict or angst, but also promotes a healthier culture for everyone.

Bonus:  I recently was on the Manufacturing Alliance Podcast – May 19th edition – and it can be heard on iTunes.

Want to be a better leader?

Stop using navigation apps for the next 30 days, and ask for directions. Always ask, even when you think you are sure you know where you are going.

Listen to the advice you are given.

Discern the good advice from the bad advice.

Make a decision on the route you are going to take and begin proceeding to your destination.

If you get lost, and you will occasionally get lost, relax and think. It is okay to ask for more help. In fact, no bonus points are awarded for “doing it on your own.”

Keep going until you reach your destination. Once there, jot a note down about what you learned, and which roads you should avoid in the future.

And then, take some more notes.  What did you learn about yourself and your leadership?

I dare you to try this experiment.

You’ll become a better leader in the process.

Sarah and I could hear our two sons playing, laughing, and yelling. The only problem was the time.

It was 6:04 a.m.

They are not supposed to get up until 6:30 a.m.

Leaders confront these kinds of issues, so off to the bedroom I went.

I asked Will – our 6 year old – what time he got up?

No answer.

So as a good leader, I persisted.

Finally, he told me that he awoke sometime around 5 a.m.

I suspected he was the ring leader, but I also knew that Ben – our 4 year old – was no saint either.

So I also asked Ben what time he got up.

“Well,” he said, “I can’t read the clock, so I don’t know.”

Realizing the only clock in Ben’s room is an old iPhone dock with a broken clock, and remembering that Ben is FOUR, it took everything in me to not burst out laughing.

Chuckle aside, this experience is instructive to leadership at work and elsewhere. How often do I hold people accountable for things they currently don’t have the skills to be held accountable for?

Am I, or are we as an organization, training them for those skills? Are our expectations transparent in the first place? Are they easily understood?

Before you dismiss this a kind of problem your organization doesn’t struggle with, I challenge you to think of the last time you implemented a new technology.

How often do you assume that people on your team know how to use the new technology you have implemented? Maybe they haven’t reached out for help, so is it safe to assume that they know what they’re doing?

Not necessarily.

The only way to be sure, is to be sure. In other words, you have to see them use it.

I share this insight because it is a weakness of mine. We, for example, have a beautiful sales app that can be used on iPads for presentations. I automatically assumed that our team would run with it. I asked if there were any questions and hardly anyone spoke up.

A little over a year later, and I rarely see anyone use it besides myself.

I am at fault here because our sales people are good at what they do. It is something that is new, and therefore, I should have spent more time with them on it.

I will going forward.

I hope my insight challenges you on how you can help those on your team.