Alex Hoffer

Leadership Failures Part 3: Failing To Affirm  

Today features part three in our four-part series about leadership failures. Our topic? Failing to affirm. 

Part 3: I Fail To Affirm 

This winter, our family made Sunday night “movie night.” But instead of watching a new movie every week, we have been watching “The Chosen.” The Chosen is a mini-series that depicts Jesus through the eyes of those that met him. Not only is the series extremely well done, but it also leaves you with the desire to drop everything and follow this Jesus. 

As I’ve watched the series, I have become convicted by the example of Jesus’ affirmation of those who followed him. His gentleness to Mary Magdalene, his acceptance of Matthew (the series does a good job of showing how vilified tax collectors were, and Matthew was a tax collector!), and too many other examples to share here. In all cases, Jesus affirmed the person whether they were outcast by society, cursing God for their plight, or just strong-willed like Simon Peter. I simply cannot get enough of this Jesus and want to be compassionate like him. 

The Last 5% of Affirmation

This series has made me look anew at my leadership, and I have to be honest, the realization I’ve come to is that I don’t affirm those I lead enough. There are no excuses for this, and this isn’t intended to be one. I am task-oriented with goals to conquer, and while I regularly spend time with those I lead, I fail to say the “last five percent” of affirmation.  

The last five percent are oftentimes words that the heart feels, but the mind says, “You can’t say that because it’s awkward.” Allow me to give a few examples — and ask yourself, when was the last time you said something like this to someone you lead?
 

• You mean a lot to me. 

• I appreciate having you on the team. 

• Your presence on the team makes my work life better, and everyone in my life appreciates it. 

• I am proud of the work you are doing. I see it. You are crushing it. 

• There is not a day that goes by that I am not thankful to have you on our team. 

When was the last time you said any of the above? Maybe the words I used aren’t the words or phrases you would use. That’s fine — create your own. Make them your own. Unveil the real you, the “last five percent” you.  

Work is Human

I am not advocating that you do anything against your HR policy. Nor am I suggesting you do something that comes off as not genuine. I am simply suggesting that work is human, and humans crave affirmation. This has always been true, and I believe it is even more true now in our increasingly divisive society. 

Leadership is about doing the hard things because that is what makes you someone others want to follow. Affirming other human beings is one of those hard things. It shouldn’t be hard, but somehow it is. As awkward as it feels, push past your hesitation and open your mouth up. Tell people how much they mean to you. 

Say it from your heart. 

Share yourself fully in support of others. 

Doing this won’t guarantee business success, but it will make you the kind of person others want to follow. 

Today continues a four-part series about leadership failures that I started last week. The focus of today’s post? Failing to give direction. 

Part 2: I Fail To Give Direction 

Today’s lesson is so basic that it is easy to discount. But it’s at the heart of the biggest organizational issue I hear repeated time and time again: communication. Whether I am in a benchmarking group surrounded by other business leaders, in an interview with a prospective candidate, or working on strategic planning with our executive team, communication is the culprit most point to in terms of organizational problems. We keep talking about it because we are not good at fixing it — fixing it is so basic we fail to do it. 

Allow me to explain with an illustration. 

More Important As Time Goes By

The day after I met my wife Sarah, I called her to try to arrange our first date — I wanted to make sure I acted quickly. Unfortunately, she didn’t pick up the phone when I called. So I did something I’d rather not admit: I left her a completely rambling voicemail. And I know this will sound cheesy, but at some point in my rambling, I told her that I thought she was amazing and unlike anyone I’d ever met. 

Thankfully, she called me back and didn’t think I was crazy. In fact, she told me months later that the word “amazing” got to her (note: this is probably the only time in my life I’ve ever left an effective voicemail!) 

At some point along our path, “amazing” turned to love. When we crossed into the “love” threshold, we used that word all the time  — as I’m sure you did when you first fell in love! We’d hang out on Tuesday nights, then would have to wait until Friday afternoon to see each other again. We counted down the minutes in between, surviving on phone calls. And, of course, each conversation ended with us telling the other how much we loved them. (Gosh, this is sappy — even I’m rolling my eyes, so I’ll totally forgive you if you’re doing the same.)  

Fast forward to the present, and we’ve been married for many years. We still say we love each other, but let’s be honest — it isn’t exactly the same as the “puppy love” stage of infatuation.

But here is my point: saying we love each other is just as important today as it was way back in the early days of our relationship. In fact, I think it may be even more important as time goes by.  

How Leaders Communicate

How does this relate to leadership? At some point along a leader’s journey, they become convinced that there are things they no longer have to communicate to others. For example: 

• Affirmation (we will cover this in part 3) 
• Direction 
• Vision

And the list above is only the start. The temptation is to believe that the people we lead are smart enough to affirm themselves, know what to do, and understand where we’re going. We have this temptation because if we have hired correctly, the people we lead ARE SMART ENOUGH to know these things. 

But we still need to tell them — just like we need to tell our spouses how much they mean to us. 

Leaders Don’t Insist on Mind Readers

Words matter, so leaders use words. 

Leaders do not rely on their followers’ ability to read their minds. 

The failure above is why so many people point to communication being our biggest organizational issue. 

Just as I would be a fool not to tell Sarah how much I love her still, I would also be a fool for not telling my direct reports what is important and what isn’t. 

Putting it Into Practice

Last year, we lost one of our teammates to their father-in-law’s business. The best candidate to replace them was a very bright individual already working with us — and he’s done a terrific job so far in his new role. Yet, when I was reflecting on his first year, I realized I had failed to formalize a KRA (Key Results Area) with him. To be sure, we had talked through a lot of the things I would have included, but there was nothing formalized. 

I had failed to give adequate direction. 

So we met and talked through the first year. Kudos to him; he had done a terrific job. Our team was moving in the right direction, projects were completed on time and under budget, and his peers praised him. Put bluntly, he had outperformed my leadership. 

Clarity + Affirmation = Effective Communication

As we talked about 2023, however, we co-created a KRA for the year. The way I do this with executives is I allow them to create the initial draft, and then we meet to talk about their three strategic initiatives for the year. Because of our weekly check-in meetings, his three strategic initiatives aligned precisely with what I thought was the most important. Still, this process gave us space to validate it formally and gave us both clarity that this was the direction we were going. Before leaving my office, he commented that he was doing the same exercise with his direct reports. 

Clarity and affirmation are two of the most important seeds of communication. Plant those seeds, and the harvest is plentiful. To this end, a leader must use their words to clarify and affirm. It is not rocket science, so it is tempting to think, “I don’t need to do this.” 

But just like you should tell your spouse you love them, you should clarify the most basic things for your followers. Assuming they know will not only be hurtful but also a failure of leadership.

Today begins a four-part series about leadership failures. The content that follows the next four weeks is based on my thinking about my own leadership failures from 2022. I am sharing them on this blog because the lessons are relevant to all leaders. I hope this will lead you to think about your personal leadership and what you specifically can do better. 

Part 1: I Stop Pursuing When Others Lean Out

A leader is someone worth following. Leadership is the process of doing things with and through other people. These definitions are important when considering lesson one because lesson one is all about relationships. Said succinctly, the leader cannot tire when the relationship sours. Instead, the leader needs to lean in when things, relationally speaking, become difficult. 

This lesson came to me after reflecting on a relationship with someone in our business. At the start of 2022, I began meeting with this individual even though they were not an immediate direct report. Their job was essential to our organization’s success, and they also led other team members. Therefore, I wanted to get to know them better and encourage them in their leadership journey. 

Our monthly conversations were generally good. Admittedly, we didn’t see things exactly the same. But differences of opinion are a healthy sign of organizational life because they help broaden thinking. Our meetings helped me consider a different perspective than my own, and they also helped me get to know this individual better. It was a win-win. 

At some point in the year, however, these meetings stopped happening. At first, it was just because our mutual schedules did not align. Then, it became clear that this meeting was not a priority for either of us because we could never find time for it. 

Stopping one-on-one meetings is not a failure of leadership. However, in this case, it was due to several factors. First, the functional area this person led was one that shaped our organization. Given that I have oversight in operations and sales, I should have an ongoing relationship with this individual. Secondly, there was sometimes a disconnect between operations and their functional area. Our meetings were helping to bridge the gap, so letting the meetings dissipate was, in hindsight, unhelpful to the organization.

Lean in When Others Lean Out

What I learned about leadership from this failure was that I need to lean in when others lean out. Notice that the example I shared doesn’t involve anything nefarious — my sense is that this person just had a lot going on, and so did I. The point is that this is always the case in the modern workplace, so it is not a valid excuse!

A good leader is someone who pursues people. After all, leadership is about doing things with and through others. It is not about you! So again, a healthy leader pursues people because those relationships are how things move from one point to another. 

Manipulation ≠ Leadership

I need to clarify one question that often comes up when I speak about this publicly. The question is, “Isn’t this manipulative?” The answer is absolutely not, but it can be. I acknowledge that someone could, in theory, manipulate others by creating some kind of false relationship and trying to do things “with and through” them. I confess this may be possible. 

However, is a person who would do this the kind of person worth following? And using history as our guide, aren’t these people eventually found out? Once they are, isn’t their credibility destroyed? To be crystal clear, manipulation is not leadership. So that is NOT what I am referring to. 

I am referring to the human ability to bond with other human beings and create relationships that move things from one point to the other. Therefore, a leader should always pursue other people, especially when others lean out (even for legitimate reasons like a busy schedule). 

Followers don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. What turns you into someone worth following is being someone who cares, someone who builds relationships, and someone who values other human beings. 

You and I need to lean in when others lean out. Doing so helps us build the kind of relationships we need to do the things we will turn to in Parts 2-4 of this series. 

Surveillance is NOT Leadership 

Back in January, the Wall Street Journal posted an article that, to me, was provocative. The piece “Mouse Jigglers, Fake PowerPoints: Workers Foil Bosses’ Surveillance Attempts” outlined how employees are outsmarting their bosses’ attempts to surveil them from afar. It turns out that many companies are attempting to monitor what team members are doing from their home offices.

For example, one company installed a program on employee laptops that automatically shut down the machine after it was idle for 10 minutes, thus informing the “control tower” (my phrase) that they were not working. 

There is a lot about this that bothers me.  

1. Let’s remember what leadership is: the process of doing things with and through other people. Nothing in this definition even remotely suggests controlling other people. And at its worst, that’s what surveillance is. It communicates, “I do not trust you to do your job, so I will set up a system to ensure that you do.”
   
   To me, this says more about the leader than the person being monitored. How insecure do you have to be to babysit people? Better said, what does it say about your leadership? Is the work product so unclear that surveillance is the only way you can assess the work? That says more about your leadership than the (perceived) need to monitor. 

2. Second, this perceived need makes me question the hiring process. How effective are your hiring processes if you need to constantly monitor the team members you hire? Certainly, I think that poor leadership is the bigger problem, but I still think this question needs to be asked. What characteristics are you looking for in a new hire? What are your expectations about work, hours, and work product? The clearer you are on these in the interview process, the higher likelihood you will find someone you do not need to monitor. 

3. Moving from the leader to the employee, it disgusts me that there is a market for tips on how to “outsmart” the boss. One individual interviewed in the article bragged about wrapping the cord of his mouse around a rotating fan to keep the computer from shutting down, all so he could go to the gym. Has work come to this? Really?
   
   Look, I’m not trying to be overly judgmental here. But as bad as surveillance is, how is deception better? Unemployment is at historic lows, so why not have an honest conversation with the boss? And if they are unwilling to listen, why not find a job that better fits your lifestyle?
   
   Work should always be changing. What we used to do may not make sense today, including the hours we work. To that end, leaders need to realize that people may want flexibility, even the flexibility to go to the gym in the middle of the day, so they need to hear these desires when they are presented. 

Work is Human

The point of this post is that surveillance is NOT leadership. Period. Hard stop. 

To be someone worth following, you must have real conversations about expectations. Similarly, workers must own up to their needs and be willing to discuss them. Surveilling and deceiving will not make things better. 

I strongly believe that work is human. What I mean is that we are better when we are together. That doesn’t mean I’m against people working from home or holding hybrid positions. It means that even then, human beings need one-on-one relational connection — it’s where we further our trust in one another. And note that my use of the word “further” is totally intentional; leaders have to give trust on day one — one reason why the interview process is so important. From there, trust is earned, but on day one, it is a given, a gift. 

Surveillance is not leadership. I encourage leaders to start from a place of trust, give clear expectations, and provide people the autonomy to decide what works best for them. Of course, this doesn’t mean it will always work out. But it errs on the side of the human. And wouldn’t we rather do that than err on the side of the machine?

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 10: Tension and Stress

My goal in writing this series has been to help leaders connect with their authentic selves. After all, people want to follow real people — the kinds of people who don’t hide their flaws, can take criticism, and can forgive others. 

The Result of Living From Our False Self

To date, I have shared nine ways people live from the false self. Today, we turn to part 10, which is what happens when we live from our false selves. We feel tension and stress in our bodies rather than feeling relaxed. How so? 

• Tension is, according to Merriman-Webster, an inner striving, unrest, or imbalance. 
• Stress is, according to the World Health Organization, any type of change that causes physical, emotional, or psychological strain. 

These definitions point to the reality of living from the false self as we become imbalanced, strained, and tired. We intuitively know, because we can feel it deep inside ourselves, that it is not the way to live. 

Living Authentically: You Have Nothing to Prove

If you have followed this series, I make no claims that living from the real self is easy. There are no claims that following any of the principles will lead to any kind of success either. Life is hard. 

The goal of this series has been to help you live authentically so that WHEN (not if!) bad things happen, you can deal with it to the best of your ability. In other words, your first reaction to bad news won’t be born from insecurity, e.g., “Oh no, I’m about to be found out — they’re going to see past my facade!” Your next reaction won’t be to overcompensate for this facade either. You won’t have to power up, defend your reputation, or prove your worth. In fact, you won’t have to prove anything. 

Why? 

Because:

You can honestly assess your own strengths and weaknesses. 

You no longer look for approval from others. 

You no longer have to defend yourself. 

You no longer are harsh. 

You no longer say yes when you want to say no. 

You no longer beat yourself up about the past. 

You no longer have trouble speaking up. 

You no longer have trouble forgiving others. 

You no longer allow fears to cause you to play it safe. 

This leads to you being you. 

Take a deep breath in. 

Feel the relaxation? 

Now the fun part comes as you get to live from your real self. And that means you can tackle the day’s problems from this perspective. Issues of all kinds will still arise, but you’ll be able to handle them in a way that others will appreciate, respect, and follow. 

From this vantage point, the work can, finally, truly begin. 

Leadership is doing things with and through other people. 

The greatest gift you can give those people is the real you. 

Now go share that person with the world.