Alex Hoffer

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 6: Beating Myself Up about the Past

A few weeks ago, Sarah and I were watching the show “Yellowstone” when one of the main characters, Rip, said something that applies to today’s topic:  

“People torture themselves about the past, which is why I focus only on today and the future.” 

[paraphrase of the original quote from episode 4 of season 5, emphasis mine] 

A Cowardly Practice

Beating yourself up about the past is one of those things in life that feels honorable, but it is anything but honorable. I argue that it feels honorable simply because it holds one accountable for past mistakes. But it does so in an unhealthy way, hence the “beating yourself up” part. It is actually cowardly.  It is cowardly because, like a bully picking on weaker kids in the playground, one does not fight back against themselves. They just take it. 

How do I know? Because I take it. When I tell myself how awful I am for missing a short putt, coveting something new, or messing up during a talk, I just take it. 

Those are all in the present, and we’re talking about the past in this post, so what’s the connection? I’ve discovered that beating yourself up is a “club” used for past, present, and future. The most vicious kind of self-hatred is beating yourself up over the past because you can’t do anything about it. 

You can still do something about the present — for example, I could make the next putt, become generous, or perform better in my next talk. But you can’t change how you treated so and so your senior year of high school. There is no way to improve upon that now. 

Improvement Never Comes from Shame

Regret is present because, to a certain degree, I am living out of my “disappointed self,” meaning I am not the person I aspired to be. Said bluntly, when I look back, I see evidence of the disparity between my authentic and aspirational self. This leads me to live from a false self that shames itself in hopes of improvement. But improvement never comes from shame, does it?  

The authentic self starts with one word: acceptance. It is the realization that you are who you are. Your past is part of this, for better or worse. So as great as Rip’s advice is, denying the past is not the answer because it also leads to a false self. The path forward is to find acceptance in who you are. 

Freedom in Acceptance

This might turn some readers off, but this is where I unashamedly turn to Jesus. He knows my past, present, and future. He paid the price for all of us — including you and me! Amazing grace is amazing in that He loves us right now. Yes, He loves us as we are. There is no need to hide. Freedom begins when this identity is accepted. 

Most readers are here looking for a leadership nugget, and a pivotal one exists because of what I just shared. Finding identity in Jesus — knowing your fate is already sealed, knowing you are fully accepted and loved — allows you to live freely. That means you no longer have to beat yourself up about the past because you are accepted anyway. You no longer have to worry about the future because your deepest need — the need to be loved and accepted — is assured. 

This frees you to live freely. You can do things with and through other people from a place of acceptance rather than from a position of needing to prove your self-worth. This allows you to elevate others because you are not consumed with proving to everyone how much better you are than the person you used to be or the one you continue to beat up. This is extremely pivotal because it allows you to be you. 

You are Enough

Jesus says you are enough. This does not mean that life becomes easier, your wildest dreams come true, and you will be financially stable — the Gospel doesn’t promise those things. But it does promise that you no longer have to torture yourself about the past because Jesus died for your past. 

The freedom that comes with this empowers you to elevate others. Leadership is never the same again because it is no longer about trying to correct the person from your past. You are already accepted. You can live from your true self and love others.   

Have you heard the term “quiet quitting?” If you aren’t familiar with it, it’s a post-pandemic buzzword that’s been getting some attention in the media. Essentially, “quiet quitting” means you can quit your job without others knowing. You simply have to do enough not to get fired, but nothing more than just enough. 

There are many potential reasons someone may want to do this. But I’m not going to talk about those — I’m going to address leaders and people who are quiet quitting.

Leaders: Value People 

Leaders, I have a bone to pick with you; I’ve heard many leaders talk about the topic of quiet quitting in very unhelpful ways. For example, some leaders complain that quiet quitting is just the latest example of how lazy the millennials and Gen Zs are. This irritates me. Not only is it not my experience with millennials and Gen Zs, but it’s also a complete generalization of a large segment of our workforce that altogether misses the point. 

If quiet quitting happens, we as leaders need to understand why it is. Leaders are followable because they seek truth in all situations. So they need to ask why people feel the need to quiet quit in the first place. Are they placing too many demands on their followers? Are there appropriate limits to the work day and week? The point is that leaders need to seek understanding before evaluating the situation.

The other element here is that leaders need to be people worth following. They need to look their followers in the eyes and remind them how much their work means. This is not some token gesture. It is a tangible reminder of the dignity of work. This leads to my second point. 

Quiet Quitters: Do Meaningful Work 

To those actively engaging in quiet quitting, I would tell you the following: do meaningful work. If that means you need to change jobs, so be it. But most people do not have to change jobs, they just have to change perspectives.  

The type of work you do is irrelevant to the meaningfulness of your job. Whether you are a custodian at a local school, a pastor at a large church, or someone in business like me, work can, over time, beat down your perspective of its meaningfulness. It can become mundane, irritating, and possibly soul-crushing. You may be tempted to dread not just Monday but every day. Add on two long years of increased stress and, in many cases, isolation, and these factors can lead to just wanting to give up. 

Given these factors, I am not surprised people have quiet quit.

But that does not mean they should. 

Instead, let’s revisit the three examples I gave above with some added perspective: 

• The custodian can clean in a way that enhances the lives of the administration, teachers, and kids. 

• The pastor can take another meeting with the couple whose relationship is falling apart. It may feel meaningless today, but it may make all the difference in the years to come. 

• The business person can keep going, realizing that what they do matters to the degree it impacts people. 

Work is Human

What I am getting at is that work is human. 

Work is not about getting through the list of tasks, answering emails, or doing other activities. Yes, that’s part of the work. But what makes work meaningful is doing something to improve the lives of others. And that’s why I am so passionate about this topic. 

Quiet quitting lets others down, whether you realize it or not. It places the comfort of self ahead of the dignity of work. It is giving up but still accepting paychecks. 

I am the first to admit that work is not great every day. I am not even remotely suggesting that it can be great every day. I am simply suggesting that it has meaning. It can be directed for good daily. 

And it should. 

I’ll close with one last note to anyone reading this post. Let’s all work with integrity. Let’s be the kind of people that act privately in a way others would be proud to witness. 

This is our one shot at this thing called life. 

So, let’s do things with and through others, valuing people and working in ways that contribute to their value in whatever we do.

Dear Reader, 

This past Sunday began another journey around the sun. Welcome aboard! 

The last few years have been…what, exactly? For some, they have gone well. Others have had an awful time. For most of us, it falls somewhere in between. But there’s one thing that everyone can do if we so choose:

Take a deep breath in…and let it out.

If we are still breathing oxygen, we are still alive. And life is a good thing. 

Peek Inside My Engine

If you’re like me, areas in your life may need repair. Good grief, don’t let the fact that I write a blog fool you — I have my fair share of work to do on myself. Put me on four-block cylinders, look inside my “engine,” and you’ll see all sorts of stuff: disappointments, sins, insecurities, and so much more. 

(In fact, now would be a good time to say a prayer for my wife, who usually gets to hear about these “issues.” Not only do I need a “tire” change on my quickly fading body, but most of what’s going on under-the-hood needs to be fixed up as well!)

Fixing Myself Didn’t Work

I spent the latter half of 2022 fixating on all the problems. But “revving” the engine a little harder and pushing my “car” close to the “E” on the fuel gauge did not produce the desired results.

Fixing myself simply didn’t work. 

Can you relate to me at this point, or am I on the island of my own creation? 

Thank you to those of you who nodded in support.

Spoiler alert: There’s no epiphany forthcoming. But I will say that I discovered I am a lousy mechanic. Not only do I know virtually nothing about cars, but I also know very little about how to fix the human condition of my soul. Thankfully, there are mechanics for both. 

Introducing My Mechanic

I can already feel some of you putting up resistance. “Here’s where he pivots to Jesus,” you probably think. Well, you got me. You can ignore the pivot, keep your “car” on the cylinders and take another trip around the sun on your bare tires. It just would not be very loving of me not to point out that you, actually everyone, has access to an excellent Mechanic.

I admit that we don’t often think of Jesus as a mechanic. He was actually a carpenter and was compared to a shepherd. The Bible did not say he was some tame, boring, religious guy. Rather, he was the kind of guy that had dirt underneath his fingernails, calloused hands, and most likely worn-out clothing. 

Like a mechanic. 

He is not so concerned about “your truth.” He is concerned about “the truth.” And most of all, he wants you to know that “the truth” is that He radically loves you. So much so that he wants to tune you up. 

Like a mechanic. 

Don’t Just Take My Word for It

Too many people speak for Jesus these days. Admittedly, I could be charged with this in the paragraph above. So don’t take my word on the matter. If your time is limited this month, stop reading my blog and read the Gospel of Mark. It is the shortest of the Gospels, only 16 chapters in length. Why not start this trip around the sun by examining whether or not what I say above is true? 

As I close, please remember that this post is as much for me as it is for you — after all, I’m the one whose “engine” was all messed up. Maybe you can’t relate to me. But I suspect many can and do. 

I need to slow down, drive the speed limit, and look outside the dash this year. It is simple yet profound. 

I invite you to do the same. 

I also invite you to remember that the worst thought about yourself, your worth, and your value can be taken to the Mechanic. I know because I take mine there daily.  

I can’t speak for Him — and too many people try to these days — but I think He made it clear that there will be a lot of trouble in this world. He just overcame and will continue to overcome all of that. Yet, the potholes, traffic delays, and accidents will persist for a while. 

This world is broken. 

It needs a mechanic. 

I have found mine. 

Have you?

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 5: Saying Yes when I Mean No

Recently, I was invited to be on the board of directors for a nonprofit organization I’m quite passionate about. I financially support the organization and strongly believe in its mission. So I was honored when they asked me to join the board. 

After the “feel good” sentiments of being asked to join the board wore off, I did not feel passionate about actually joining the board. I was still passionate about the organization — I didn’t know what value I would bring to a rather large board. I didn’t feel good about the nighttime commitments given our family’s stage of life and my responsibilities at Hoffer Plastics. So I called the CEO to thank them for the opportunity and let them know I was going to say no. 

Then something happened: the CEO talked me into joining the board. I found myself saying yes when I would rather say no. 

This made me ask the question, why? Why was I saying yes to something I was not totally on board with? Here are some answers: 

• I like, respect, and want to work with this CEO. 
• I wanted to serve the organization, even if that meant sacrifice. 
• I wanted to give the CEO the answer they wanted because I wanted them to like and respect me! 
• Given my passion for the organization, I liked the idea of being on this particular board.

Do you see the problem with my list? While some of my reasons were legitimate, others were wrapped up in what I thought others wanted from me or based on my desire to be liked by others. This is the false self rearing its ugly head! 

Finding Peace

As always, I prayed about this with Sarah. The absence of peace in the situation made me reconsider my “yes,” and through the encouragement of a good friend, I finally talked face-to-face with the CEO mentioned above. But this time, I said something different. I said, “I cannot join the board right now due to family and business reasons. But I would love the opportunity to join when my kids are grown, and I am a little further down the road with the family business.” 

Suddenly, peace returned! 

I use the word peace intentionally because saying “yes” to things you don’t want robs you of peace. The example I give above is a small one, but it would have impacted my home life, work life, and frankly, everything in between. This would have been fine if it had been what I wanted to do, but in this case, it was something I felt I should do. Living a life based on “shoulds” is a recipe for living from your false self. 

My No Leads to Another’s Yes

The point of this post, and this series, is to live according to your authentic self. It is about being the kind of person who can point out flaws in themselves, hear critiques about themselves, and be patient when things are not going their way. They also can say no to things because they realize they do not have to be the ones doing everything. 

My no allows someone else to say yes. Given my responsibilities this season of life, the nonprofit I am passionate about will be better served by someone else’s yes. I’ll continue to financially support, cheer, and pray for, this organization. But, my yes to serving on the board will have to come later.

This week, I encourage you to pay attention to whether you are saying yes to things you would rather not do. If so, then get honest and be real. 

One last note before closing: I will return to this series in Q1 of 2023 and go through the last five aspects of the false self. For the remainder of 2022, I will repost some of my most popular blog posts from over the years, anticipating that all of us will be less focused on work and more on family and friends.

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 4: Harshness

By their nature, leaders move things from point A to point B. Leadership, as I define it in this blog, is the process of doing things with and through other people. Therefore, one potential leadership pitfall is impatience — the frustration we feel when things aren’t moving as quickly as we’d like.  

In this post, I want to talk about the importance of leaders remaining impatient for results while maintaining patience for people. When a leader becomes impatient, they can often lash out, becoming harsh. I argue that this is often a sign they are leading from their false self. Allow me to unpack my thoughts. 

Impatience Leads to Harshness 

The False Self series is about how leaders are tempted, in certain situations, to be someone they are not — their false self — rather than being authentic. In this particular case, when things are moving slowly, a temptation arises for the leader to act swiftly or even aggressively. While a willingness to take action is easily one trait that makes someone worth following, my argument is that what matters most is the type of action you take.  

For instance, when a project is delayed, is the leader asking questions about its delay or taking potshots at mistakes made by the team? Are the questions being asked in a tone that suggests harshness? Or, based on the questions being asked, can one observe any element of the “blame game” being played? 

These questions are important to consider because they uncover the motive of the questioner (in this case, the leader). As I stated above, leaders should be impatient for results because they prioritize action. But the way they go about doing this matters if they want to remain someone worth following. 

The temptation here is to lead from the false self, one that is highly critical and harsh. To be fair, this is how much leadership is portrayed in television and movies. The “boss” demands answers, and often gets them, but at a cost. People follow out of necessity, not out of desire. 

Understand Why It’s Happening, and Fix the Problem

The leader committed to leading from their real self, however, is already open to the criticism of others, not looking approval from others, and willing to admit their own weaknesses. Hence, they can genuinely and authentically ask questions from a place of curiosity. Their goal is twofold: understanding why things are not moving as quickly as possible, and fixing the problem. 

I also want to point out that not addressing an issue is another sign of living from the false self. I am referring here to being “non-confrontational.” Leaders should be confrontational. Leaders should be impatient when things are dragging on and on. The key is to be both confrontational and impatient in ways that are not harsh, demeaning, or damaging to others. When leaders are damaging, it is often because they lead from their false selves, which needs to be justified at all costs. 

Let this point sink in: Harshness towards others is often a sign that something is wrong inside you. For the leader, it is often an unwillingness to hold yourself accountable. Put bluntly, is your poor leadership the root cause of your harshness? 

I can only speak for myself, but my past harshness has often been rooted in exactly this. In that case, I have done a poor job leading myself, and others. 

The gift of leading from your real self is that you can have any “difficult conversation” because you don’t have to (and shouldn’t be) harsh. You can simply have a conversation. This doesn’t mean those conversations will be easy, but it does mean that they’ll be easier and much more productive. 

Leaders are worth following largely because of how they treat others. In this sense, leaders should be impatient for results because they prioritize action. But they also need to be patient with people, prioritize questions over statements, and treat them respectfully in the process. 

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 3: Defensiveness

Of the ten ideas in this series of shedding the false self, none is as applicable as this one during the holiday season. At its best, the holiday season is a time of reconnection. It is a time of families coming home and being together. There is joy! 

In recent years, however, there have been numerous articles about all the things families can no longer discuss during the holidays. While this post is not intended to discuss all the reasons this may be so, it does cut to one potential explanation: People are easily offended these days, and they are defensive when others (particularly family members) critique them.  

To be clear, I am not above the fray here. At my worse, I am offended by the slightest perceived wrong. And while it is easy to let a stranger’s critique of me not fully ruin my day, the critique of someone close to me can ruin my day and impact my night’s sleep. Worse yet, when I allow these things to upset me, I am tempted to act out of my false self, the one that justifies my views, behaviors, and actions as better than the person who offended or critiqued me. 

Can you relate to what I just shared? 

Moving Away From Our False Self

Notice the progression of what we have discussed so far in this series: 

Part 1: The Struggle of Pointing Out My Flaws and Weaknesses To Others

Part 2: Looking for Approval from Others More Than I Should 

Part 3: Being Highly Offendable and Defensive When Others Critique Me

If we are open to our own flaws and weaknesses, and if we are not looking for approval in others more than we should, then are we going to be as easily offended and defensive when others critique us? 

Of course we won’t! By looking inside ourselves first, we are humbled. By finding healthy levels of approval in others, and affirmation only where affirmation can be found, we can be open to others’ feedback. 

Control the Internal

Yes, feedback! After all, that is what we are talking about here. Notice I am not evaluating whether we should be offended. Nor am I evaluating whether the critique of us is fair or accurate. I am not because we cannot control the external. 

But, we can control the internal. We can control our response. Instead of being offended, we can say to ourselves, “That’s an interesting perspective.” We can then evaluate what is accurate or not accurate about it. The point is that we keep the learning door open by not leading with defensiveness.

Reacting with self-control when others critique is not easy. But staying calm, listening, learning, and changing from criticism makes someone worth following. Imagine how different our political sphere would look if leaders were not easily offended and defensive when others critiqued them. More legislation would likely get done. 

My invitation this week is to take a deep breath when something upsets you. It may be an annoyance, or it may be unjust. Either way, you can only control how you respond to it. By maintaining your composure, you can address the situation from your true self, not the false one whose existence relies on always being justified. You can seek the truth in the situation and move forward with new knowledge. In the process, you will become someone others want to follow because such character is rare nowadays.