Alex Hoffer

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 10: Tension and Stress

My goal in writing this series has been to help leaders connect with their authentic selves. After all, people want to follow real people — the kinds of people who don’t hide their flaws, can take criticism, and can forgive others. 

The Result of Living From Our False Self

To date, I have shared nine ways people live from the false self. Today, we turn to part 10, which is what happens when we live from our false selves. We feel tension and stress in our bodies rather than feeling relaxed. How so? 

• Tension is, according to Merriman-Webster, an inner striving, unrest, or imbalance. 
• Stress is, according to the World Health Organization, any type of change that causes physical, emotional, or psychological strain. 

These definitions point to the reality of living from the false self as we become imbalanced, strained, and tired. We intuitively know, because we can feel it deep inside ourselves, that it is not the way to live. 

Living Authentically: You Have Nothing to Prove

If you have followed this series, I make no claims that living from the real self is easy. There are no claims that following any of the principles will lead to any kind of success either. Life is hard. 

The goal of this series has been to help you live authentically so that WHEN (not if!) bad things happen, you can deal with it to the best of your ability. In other words, your first reaction to bad news won’t be born from insecurity, e.g., “Oh no, I’m about to be found out — they’re going to see past my facade!” Your next reaction won’t be to overcompensate for this facade either. You won’t have to power up, defend your reputation, or prove your worth. In fact, you won’t have to prove anything. 

Why? 

Because:

You can honestly assess your own strengths and weaknesses. 

You no longer look for approval from others. 

You no longer have to defend yourself. 

You no longer are harsh. 

You no longer say yes when you want to say no. 

You no longer beat yourself up about the past. 

You no longer have trouble speaking up. 

You no longer have trouble forgiving others. 

You no longer allow fears to cause you to play it safe. 

This leads to you being you. 

Take a deep breath in. 

Feel the relaxation? 

Now the fun part comes as you get to live from your real self. And that means you can tackle the day’s problems from this perspective. Issues of all kinds will still arise, but you’ll be able to handle them in a way that others will appreciate, respect, and follow. 

From this vantage point, the work can, finally, truly begin. 

Leadership is doing things with and through other people. 

The greatest gift you can give those people is the real you. 

Now go share that person with the world. 

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 9: Fear Makes Me Play it Safe

Last fall, I started my talk at the MAPP Benchmarking conference by telling 500+ attendees that I fear death — and as one who follows Christ, I was embarrassed to admit that publicly. Why? Because as someone who has scoured the evidence of the resurrection, I find it hard to believe that ten of Jesus’ earliest apostles would be martyred for something they KNEW was false. After all, their claim was having SEEN the risen Jesus, not a declaration of any kind of “belief.”  

Fear, our subject today, is not rational. From deep matters like death to personal matters like one-on-one relationships, fears can tempt us to live from the false self. Put succinctly, fears can tempt us to portray the confidence of a fearLESS leader, while living a “play it safe” life.  

Fear Takes a Toll

When discussing fears with other leaders, the conversation quickly shifts to the external. For example, should one change jobs, move states, or go for a promotion? Fear hinders us from making wise choices and also takes a toll on us by convincing us not to take risks in our relationships — which brings out our false selves. 

Is this related to Part 7, not speaking up?  Absolutely. After all, the root cause of not speaking up is fear, so we play it safe. 

Let’s be honest, one of the reasons leaders are followable is because they are courageous. But beware; this is an area where it is easy to slip into the false self — the one that projects courage when there is little to none internally. We may be tempted to believe that only we know when we’re putting up a front, but the reality is that our followers can easily pick up on it when we act in ways contrary to our normal personality or from our false selves. 

For example, we might speak more forcefully to overcompensate for our fear, making us sound (so we think) strong. But, in reality, we sound weak and fearful. 

Part of the Human Condition

Fear might be the hardest part of our hearts to share with others because culture and history have taught us that leaders are not fearful. But while courage may be what they are projecting, what makes them worth following is that they act even when fear is in their heart. Fear is simply part of the human condition.

What if we were the kind of leaders that made our fears visible to others? Would that make us less competent or more? Would we appear weaker or stronger? Would we be living from the false self or the authentic one? 

I am not suggesting that this is easy. Nor am I suggesting that everyone will think we are strong, competent, or even good leaders. I simply suggest we should be authentic — a leader whose internal and external states align. Alignment leads to the authentic self, the one others seek to follow. 

Remember, there is no claim in this series that leading from the real self will help you in your pursuit of greatness. This is not about greatness at all. It is about authenticity and living from your real self.  

The next time fear percolates, I want you to take a deep breath and accept it. You are human. Fear may be part of your story, as it is part of every leader’s story, but it is not your whole story. Exhale the deep breath and realize that your true self can keep going. You are not in denial. You are you. This means that whatever it is that you need to do, you can do. You do not need to play it safe anymore. 

When we accept our fears and move forward with them in tow, we can learn to live lives of meaning with less stress and tension. More on this next week when I wrap up this series.

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 8: Not Forgiving Others

The next time you go on a trip, try this: Put two eight-pound dumbbells in your luggage. I did just that when I was 13 years old. Having begun working with a personal trainer and feeling excited about continuing my training regime on vacation, I packed the weights. However, my teenage brain did NOT consider how 16 extra pounds would impact my suitcase’s journey to our destination, the tiny island of St. John. I suppose it is no shock that my bag did not make it to our destination on time (though it did show up eventually!)

Forgiveness is a lot like that. Refusing to forgive others is a lot like carrying a suitcase with extra weight. By forgiving others, we don’t just lessen the weight; we stop carrying any weight altogether. 

We live in a day and age when the slightest wrongs get people worked up. It is easy to say this is true about others, but harder to look in the mirror and do so. What upsets you? Or better said, who upsets you? Is there a grudge that you hold from decades ago? Or is there a legitimate wrong that has been done to you?

What weights are you putting in the suitcase you carry around each day? 

It’s tempting to hold onto these wrongs — after all, you’ve earned them. At least, that’s what our inner dialog tells us. Certainly, they’re part of your story for better or worse. But do they have to define you? 

The False Self as the Victim

The false self can often be the victim. This word often creates a deep emotional response because we don’t want to be the victim. Not only are victims easier to see in others, but they are also something we intuitively know that others do not want their leaders to be. So we resist being one ourselves. 

Yet what do we become when we fail to forgive? 

What are we when the other side is always wrong? Pick your politician on either side of the aisle. How do they come across when they cannot coexist with the other side? 

Forgiveness is risky. What if the other person doesn’t deserve forgiveness? Or, to take things a step deeper, who is a person that actually deserves forgiveness? 

All forgiveness is a gift — a gift to the person being forgiven. Mistakes are part of the human condition. All of us have fallen short, starting with me. Forgiveness is also a gift to the forgiver. Suddenly, they are free from carrying a weighted suitcase they were never intended to carry. 

This does not mean all is forgotten. Wrongs are still wrong. You may need to create boundaries and reestablish trust. But the heaviness is gone. Your hands are now free of carrying the loaded suitcase.  

Free to Be You

The purpose of this series has been to free you to be yourself. Not the pretend you. Not the you that is overly concerned about what others think. Not the one who is afraid to speak up or who holds grudges. 

The one that is secure enough to let go. 

The one that forgives because they were forgiven. 

If you know Jesus, this is always true. 

And if you don’t, the door is always open. 

Life is not easy. This post does not claim that it is. And forgiveness is not an easy one-time event. It’s a moment-by-moment surrender. It is letting go of the weight and being secure enough to allow the situation to be. It also recognizes the human tendency to pick the weight back up later. We may need to begin every single day anew. 

In my experience, it takes divine power. The kind that remakes you from the inside out. The kind that makes you someone others want to follow. This is not because you are that great, but because the One you follow is. After all, He forgave you. 

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 7: Not Speaking Up

I was living by myself in Chicago. The year was 2005, and I was single — and frankly speaking, looking for my soulmate. My memory is fuzzy all these years later, but I think it was a friend from my grad class that first mentioned an online forum called “Craigslist.” And one of the most popular forums on Craigslist was “missed connections,” where people would share what they wish they’d said when they had a chance encounter with an attractive stranger. 

In case you aren’t familiar with Craigslist, let me give you an example to explain what I mean: Let’s say you’re riding the L from one side of Chicago to the other, and you make eye contact with someone you find attractive — maybe they even smile — but you don’t say anything to them. Then, they hop off the L at the next stop, and you’ve missed your chance to start a conversation. You might decide to post to “missed connections” about the situation in the hopes of making a connection and getting another chance. 

What struck me about Craigslist back then was why someone would post something like that on the Internet! With the benefit of a bit of time and maturity, however, I realize now that people were sharing both humor and regret. And while you may not regret your missed encounter on the L for the rest of your life, other regrets can fester and become part of your life’s story. 

The Pitfalls of Putting Your False Self Forward

Speak up. That’s the focus of today’s post — I’ve found that having trouble speaking up may indicate that you are living out of a false sense of self. Here’s what I mean: 

As I wrote last week, the false self is often the person we beat up for not being “good enough.” It is the “us” we hold back because we fear being rejected. Maybe we act out in a way that, we think, makes us more likable. But in reality, this is not us. It is just us playacting, trying to be someone we are not. This means that the “self” that speaks up to the person we are attracted to might be false. 

I say this because one of the most important moments of my life started on a platform waiting for an L in May of 2005. The girl I was into — Adele — was on the phone trying to convince me to come to a twenty-something church group that met at Joe’s Bar. I was all in, but she was going to be late. As an introvert, I struggled (and continue to struggle!) in situations where I know no one. The last thing I wanted to do was go somewhere by myself where I didn’t know anybody. Talk about a place where my false self would come out due to my own insecurity! 

Adele had already been brutally honest that she wasn’t looking for a serious relationship with me. I tell you this so you don’t judge what happened next: I walked into Joe’s and found a friend from grad school. Thank the Lord, I thought! Then, a few minutes later, in walked the rest of my life. Of course, I didn’t know it then. But after Sarah sat down and we talked for a while, I had a strange sense that this was one of those before-and-after moments. Everything that has followed has certainly been part of my after.

The Power of Authentically Speaking Up

I’ll save the rest of the story for some other time. But the reason I’m telling you this story is this: I know that my conversation with Sarah “worked” that night because I was my real self. Oddly, strangely, and perhaps even divinely, my guard was down because my crush-slash-friend Adele was coming. There was no pressure to meet someone — I could just be me. And Adele saw it too. Or, as Sarah and I have joked ever since, Adele saw her way to get rid of me! 

What’s the implication for leadership? Leaders are worth following because they speak up. We all know this. But the kinds of leaders worth following speak up from a place of authenticity and security. They are confident in their ideas without being bossy or know-it-alls. In short, they are not playacting for the world to see because doing so would just be that, acting. 

God made you as you are. 

So be you. 

Speak up from a place of authenticity, and you’ll be someone worth following. 

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 6: Beating Myself Up about the Past

A few weeks ago, Sarah and I were watching the show “Yellowstone” when one of the main characters, Rip, said something that applies to today’s topic:  

“People torture themselves about the past, which is why I focus only on today and the future.” 

[paraphrase of the original quote from episode 4 of season 5, emphasis mine] 

A Cowardly Practice

Beating yourself up about the past is one of those things in life that feels honorable, but it is anything but honorable. I argue that it feels honorable simply because it holds one accountable for past mistakes. But it does so in an unhealthy way, hence the “beating yourself up” part. It is actually cowardly.  It is cowardly because, like a bully picking on weaker kids in the playground, one does not fight back against themselves. They just take it. 

How do I know? Because I take it. When I tell myself how awful I am for missing a short putt, coveting something new, or messing up during a talk, I just take it. 

Those are all in the present, and we’re talking about the past in this post, so what’s the connection? I’ve discovered that beating yourself up is a “club” used for past, present, and future. The most vicious kind of self-hatred is beating yourself up over the past because you can’t do anything about it. 

You can still do something about the present — for example, I could make the next putt, become generous, or perform better in my next talk. But you can’t change how you treated so and so your senior year of high school. There is no way to improve upon that now. 

Improvement Never Comes from Shame

Regret is present because, to a certain degree, I am living out of my “disappointed self,” meaning I am not the person I aspired to be. Said bluntly, when I look back, I see evidence of the disparity between my authentic and aspirational self. This leads me to live from a false self that shames itself in hopes of improvement. But improvement never comes from shame, does it?  

The authentic self starts with one word: acceptance. It is the realization that you are who you are. Your past is part of this, for better or worse. So as great as Rip’s advice is, denying the past is not the answer because it also leads to a false self. The path forward is to find acceptance in who you are. 

Freedom in Acceptance

This might turn some readers off, but this is where I unashamedly turn to Jesus. He knows my past, present, and future. He paid the price for all of us — including you and me! Amazing grace is amazing in that He loves us right now. Yes, He loves us as we are. There is no need to hide. Freedom begins when this identity is accepted. 

Most readers are here looking for a leadership nugget, and a pivotal one exists because of what I just shared. Finding identity in Jesus — knowing your fate is already sealed, knowing you are fully accepted and loved — allows you to live freely. That means you no longer have to beat yourself up about the past because you are accepted anyway. You no longer have to worry about the future because your deepest need — the need to be loved and accepted — is assured. 

This frees you to live freely. You can do things with and through other people from a place of acceptance rather than from a position of needing to prove your self-worth. This allows you to elevate others because you are not consumed with proving to everyone how much better you are than the person you used to be or the one you continue to beat up. This is extremely pivotal because it allows you to be you. 

You are Enough

Jesus says you are enough. This does not mean that life becomes easier, your wildest dreams come true, and you will be financially stable — the Gospel doesn’t promise those things. But it does promise that you no longer have to torture yourself about the past because Jesus died for your past. 

The freedom that comes with this empowers you to elevate others. Leadership is never the same again because it is no longer about trying to correct the person from your past. You are already accepted. You can live from your true self and love others.   

Have you heard the term “quiet quitting?” If you aren’t familiar with it, it’s a post-pandemic buzzword that’s been getting some attention in the media. Essentially, “quiet quitting” means you can quit your job without others knowing. You simply have to do enough not to get fired, but nothing more than just enough. 

There are many potential reasons someone may want to do this. But I’m not going to talk about those — I’m going to address leaders and people who are quiet quitting.

Leaders: Value People 

Leaders, I have a bone to pick with you; I’ve heard many leaders talk about the topic of quiet quitting in very unhelpful ways. For example, some leaders complain that quiet quitting is just the latest example of how lazy the millennials and Gen Zs are. This irritates me. Not only is it not my experience with millennials and Gen Zs, but it’s also a complete generalization of a large segment of our workforce that altogether misses the point. 

If quiet quitting happens, we as leaders need to understand why it is. Leaders are followable because they seek truth in all situations. So they need to ask why people feel the need to quiet quit in the first place. Are they placing too many demands on their followers? Are there appropriate limits to the work day and week? The point is that leaders need to seek understanding before evaluating the situation.

The other element here is that leaders need to be people worth following. They need to look their followers in the eyes and remind them how much their work means. This is not some token gesture. It is a tangible reminder of the dignity of work. This leads to my second point. 

Quiet Quitters: Do Meaningful Work 

To those actively engaging in quiet quitting, I would tell you the following: do meaningful work. If that means you need to change jobs, so be it. But most people do not have to change jobs, they just have to change perspectives.  

The type of work you do is irrelevant to the meaningfulness of your job. Whether you are a custodian at a local school, a pastor at a large church, or someone in business like me, work can, over time, beat down your perspective of its meaningfulness. It can become mundane, irritating, and possibly soul-crushing. You may be tempted to dread not just Monday but every day. Add on two long years of increased stress and, in many cases, isolation, and these factors can lead to just wanting to give up. 

Given these factors, I am not surprised people have quiet quit.

But that does not mean they should. 

Instead, let’s revisit the three examples I gave above with some added perspective: 

• The custodian can clean in a way that enhances the lives of the administration, teachers, and kids. 

• The pastor can take another meeting with the couple whose relationship is falling apart. It may feel meaningless today, but it may make all the difference in the years to come. 

• The business person can keep going, realizing that what they do matters to the degree it impacts people. 

Work is Human

What I am getting at is that work is human. 

Work is not about getting through the list of tasks, answering emails, or doing other activities. Yes, that’s part of the work. But what makes work meaningful is doing something to improve the lives of others. And that’s why I am so passionate about this topic. 

Quiet quitting lets others down, whether you realize it or not. It places the comfort of self ahead of the dignity of work. It is giving up but still accepting paychecks. 

I am the first to admit that work is not great every day. I am not even remotely suggesting that it can be great every day. I am simply suggesting that it has meaning. It can be directed for good daily. 

And it should. 

I’ll close with one last note to anyone reading this post. Let’s all work with integrity. Let’s be the kind of people that act privately in a way others would be proud to witness. 

This is our one shot at this thing called life. 

So, let’s do things with and through others, valuing people and working in ways that contribute to their value in whatever we do.

Dear Reader, 

This past Sunday began another journey around the sun. Welcome aboard! 

The last few years have been…what, exactly? For some, they have gone well. Others have had an awful time. For most of us, it falls somewhere in between. But there’s one thing that everyone can do if we so choose:

Take a deep breath in…and let it out.

If we are still breathing oxygen, we are still alive. And life is a good thing. 

Peek Inside My Engine

If you’re like me, areas in your life may need repair. Good grief, don’t let the fact that I write a blog fool you — I have my fair share of work to do on myself. Put me on four-block cylinders, look inside my “engine,” and you’ll see all sorts of stuff: disappointments, sins, insecurities, and so much more. 

(In fact, now would be a good time to say a prayer for my wife, who usually gets to hear about these “issues.” Not only do I need a “tire” change on my quickly fading body, but most of what’s going on under-the-hood needs to be fixed up as well!)

Fixing Myself Didn’t Work

I spent the latter half of 2022 fixating on all the problems. But “revving” the engine a little harder and pushing my “car” close to the “E” on the fuel gauge did not produce the desired results.

Fixing myself simply didn’t work. 

Can you relate to me at this point, or am I on the island of my own creation? 

Thank you to those of you who nodded in support.

Spoiler alert: There’s no epiphany forthcoming. But I will say that I discovered I am a lousy mechanic. Not only do I know virtually nothing about cars, but I also know very little about how to fix the human condition of my soul. Thankfully, there are mechanics for both. 

Introducing My Mechanic

I can already feel some of you putting up resistance. “Here’s where he pivots to Jesus,” you probably think. Well, you got me. You can ignore the pivot, keep your “car” on the cylinders and take another trip around the sun on your bare tires. It just would not be very loving of me not to point out that you, actually everyone, has access to an excellent Mechanic.

I admit that we don’t often think of Jesus as a mechanic. He was actually a carpenter and was compared to a shepherd. The Bible did not say he was some tame, boring, religious guy. Rather, he was the kind of guy that had dirt underneath his fingernails, calloused hands, and most likely worn-out clothing. 

Like a mechanic. 

He is not so concerned about “your truth.” He is concerned about “the truth.” And most of all, he wants you to know that “the truth” is that He radically loves you. So much so that he wants to tune you up. 

Like a mechanic. 

Don’t Just Take My Word for It

Too many people speak for Jesus these days. Admittedly, I could be charged with this in the paragraph above. So don’t take my word on the matter. If your time is limited this month, stop reading my blog and read the Gospel of Mark. It is the shortest of the Gospels, only 16 chapters in length. Why not start this trip around the sun by examining whether or not what I say above is true? 

As I close, please remember that this post is as much for me as it is for you — after all, I’m the one whose “engine” was all messed up. Maybe you can’t relate to me. But I suspect many can and do. 

I need to slow down, drive the speed limit, and look outside the dash this year. It is simple yet profound. 

I invite you to do the same. 

I also invite you to remember that the worst thought about yourself, your worth, and your value can be taken to the Mechanic. I know because I take mine there daily.  

I can’t speak for Him — and too many people try to these days — but I think He made it clear that there will be a lot of trouble in this world. He just overcame and will continue to overcome all of that. Yet, the potholes, traffic delays, and accidents will persist for a while. 

This world is broken. 

It needs a mechanic. 

I have found mine. 

Have you?