Alex Hoffer

The Power of Asking Questions

Lately, my blog posts have been deeply introspective. Today,  I will throw a curve ball, focusing on an extremely practical topic: how questions can help your team reframe its mindset. 

Recently, I sent three questions to our operation team’s leaders:

  • What would more automation make possible? 
  • From a human perspective, what is the best thing that has happened in your plant in the last 30 days? Feel free to brag on one of your team members!
  • What excites you most about coming to work this season? 

I gave the team a few days to think about these questions before we met in person. We kicked off our meeting by discussing them. 

The first question was the only question that contained a “visionary” element to it. Our company currently has more automation projects than ever before, so the question got our leaders thinking about what I hoped they would think about: what more automation could make possible for their team members. One operation team leader shared that more automation would “allow their team to focus on more ‘life-giving’ tasks rather than mundane, repetitive activities.” In essence, this person gave voice to the “why” behind our strategy. 

The second question solicited the strongest responses from the group. One leader shared something I had not previously known: Team members in one of our plants had done some creative things to support a fellow employee who has cancer. It was the kind of story that made tears well up in the eyes of even our most reserved leaders — I was fighting back tears myself. It was touching and helped remind us of the “why” we do what we do: because everything we do matters to people. 

Finally, the last question also solicited strong responses. Some in the group related that while the previous couple of years had been hard, they appreciated the “fun” (their word) automation projects we have going on. Another person mentioned the team they lead and their generosity to someone in need. And yet another explained that they were enjoying the experience of building into one of their staffers, watching them flourish. 

As we got ready to move on to other topics, I asked the team if they felt different after discussing these questions — and all said they did. One even commented that they felt renewed to talk about the business issues of the day. 

I agreed — It was exactly what I needed as well. 

This is the power of questions. And my invitation to you is to ask good ones this week. Questions will help make your week better and your team stronger. 

The Power of Asking Questions Read More »

Want to Lead Others? First, Lead Yourself

One of the reasons I have curbed my social media use is because it tempts me to portray a version of myself that is not entirely accurate. Sure, it feels good to post pictures of the cool places, experiences, and events I have been blessed to partake in — but those things don’t capture the inner workings of me. At their best, they are examples of some of the fun I have been fortunate to have. At their worst, they are attempts to justify my self-worth as someone that is someone. 

If the above is too blunt, the rest of the post may be uncomfortable to read. In this post, I will attempt to uncover myself — at least as much as possible in a short blog post. In a sense, I am writing a journal entry that I’m sharing publicly through this blog. 

Why am I doing this? Because I realize that to lead others well, you must first lead yourself well. To do that, you need to understand who you really are. While there are many ways to do that — I work with an executive coach, accountability partner, and have countless conversations with my wife, Sarah, to name a few — one of the best ways is to jot down thoughts on a piece of paper. 

Leaders, before reading on, ask yourself: when was the last time you thought about why you do some of the things you do? What drives you? What is behind your pursuits? Wouldn’t uncovering these motivations help you lead yourself better? 

Getting Uncomfortable

So, without further ado, let’s get uncomfortable. 

At my worst, I carry shame. Shame is always rooted in the past. It can be things I have done or even something done to me. But it is never healthy or life-giving. Nor is shame from Jesus. It is always from the evil one. 

I used to think I was at my best when my work ethic went into overdrive. I’d get up early, work out hard, get to work, write a blog post before 10 a.m. on Monday, complete all my tasks, and fill my planner with check marks. Rinse and repeat. I’d get stuff done. 

At home, I do the same. I have a plan of attack for everything. I read more books than I can remember. I work hard. And I feel good about myself when I work hard. 

Did you read that last line? 

What’s at the core of that feeling — feeling good about myself when I work hard? 

It’s about: 

  • Feeling good about myself 
  • Feeling like I am enough
  • Having others see my good work ethic 
  • Being seen as “with it” or knowledgeable on a topic 
  • Being praised

I can go on, but I will stop here. 

Grinding Through It

All this is good until it is not. I realized recently that I have been tired for about ten years. Sure, the doctor says my bloodwork is “great,” but I’ll admit that I’ve felt tired since my son Will was born in 2011. While this is a funny (and mostly true) joke, it is also a sad admission of how much I have gritted my teeth to get where I am today. 

Okay, I am exaggerating a bit. Sure, not every day of the past ten years has been of the “teeth-grinding” variety — and I’m of the firm belief that some teeth-grinding is necessary to do the hard things — but the overall point remains that I often pursue work as a way to boost my ego and eliminate negative feelings I have about myself. 

In recent years, I have found myself at my best when I relax. 

Working hard is not my problem; taking work of any kind too seriously is. 

The Present of Your Presence

I am at my best when I think less about words like “balance” and more about words like “presence.” Being fully present is more challenging than ever but more rewarding than ever. How do I achieve that presence? It isn’t by tackling 48 tasks on my to-do list and trying to simultaneously be present — presence is its own thing. 

I am at my best when I see the golf shot, feel it, and trust my ability to hit it. All mechanical thoughts — my vain human attempt to be good enough — are not present. 

I lead myself best when I see it, feel it, and trust it in everything I do. I admit that sounds idealistic and a little too “new age,” but it is the admission that all I can do is my best. And I should trust that whatever my best is will be good enough. There is no one-size-fits-all solution for leadership, fatherhood, or anything else. 

I also confess that I write a lot about golf because I have never measured up to my own expectations. I have failed. I had dreams I did not fully pursue in my youth, only to find those dreams come back and haunt me later. I write about that now because I fear making the same mistake in weightier matters. This is also why I “swing aggressively” when it is time to take the next shot! 

A Focus on Others Helps Me Lead Myself

I am broken. 

I am at my best when I realize this. I am best when I get outside myself long enough to notice others. To really see others. I am most proud of myself when I do that. 

Leadership is the process of doing things with and through other people. It was not until this post that I realized that focusing on leading others helps me lead myself. For it contains all the ingredients (other people and their interests) that help me get past myself, my shame, and my brokenness. 

It truly is more blessed to give than receive — and I know I’m at my best when I give. 

A Last Note

I may be broken, but Jesus says I am enough. There is nothing I can do to earn his love, nor is there anything I can do to lose it. There are consequences to every action, but my identity is secure. Brokenness can only persist when that identity is forgotten. Someone reading this post needed to hear that, which is why I added this last paragraph a month after writing everything above it.

Want to Lead Others? First, Lead Yourself Read More »

An Uncomfortable Post to Write

Last week, I shared a post about the importance of taking your shot. My goal with that post was to reach someone waffling on a decision and encourage them to take their shot. 

And now, I’m going to take another shot — even though it feels uncomfortable and awkward — and tell you about something I’m proud of and excited about. It feels odd and self-promotional (something readers of this blog know I avoid like the plague), but at the risk of being accused of “tooting my own horn,” I’m stepping outside my comfort zone just like I suggested you do.

First, a little background: MAPP (Manufacturers Association for Plastic Processors) holds an annual benchmarking conference each fall that has positively impacted my team members and me. Since 1997, MAPP has brought plastic processors together in various forums to learn from each other, challenge each other, and grow relationally. In short, it is an organization that embraces authentic leadership — the process of doing things with and through other people. 

I have been blessed to speak several times at MAPP’s annual benchmarking conference in breakout sessions — intimate Q&A sessions with 10-50 people in a small classroom setting. This has been a great experience where I learned as much as I taught — the audience’s insights and encouragement meant I left the conference feeling fired up to get back to work! 

Out of My Comfort Zone

This year, MAPP has asked me to do something out of my comfort zone. Instead of speaking in a breakout session in a small classroom, they requested I give a talk on the main stage in front of hundreds of attendees. Admittedly, their ask made my heart beat a little faster — and it still does as I write this now! But, I am taking my shot. 

I am taking my shot because the topic I will discuss — shared leadership — is near and dear to me and something I think will help the audience rethink their views about leadership. 

Influence and Leadership

Leadership is the process of doing things with and through other people; it always involves others. And when a leader realizes that their leadership is based on influence — and that no one has a monopoly on influence — their eyes open up to the possibility of other leaders. External factors like experience, title, and status, become irrelevant, and influence takes precedence. 

As I have learned at Hoffer Plastics, a college intern and upcoming retiree may not have much in common, but both can and should influence our organization. We are better when we listen to both. We improve through shared leadership. 

A Question of Legacy

Of course, I have a lot more to say about this topic (and I will at the conference!), but I want to leave you with one parting thought on shared leadership for today — and it’s a question of legacy. When you’re at the end of your life, what do you want to be known for? Is it some arbitrary list of accomplishments? Or, is it something else? I have a clear idea of what I want my legacy to be, and I’ll start my talk at MAPP’s benchmarking conference with that thought. In the meantime, thank you for indulging me in this moment of self-promotion, and I hope you can join me on October 5 and 6 in Indianapolis.

An Uncomfortable Post to Write Read More »

Trust Your Gut and Take Your Shot

A couple of months ago, I played in my local golf club’s member/guest golf invitational. My partner and I were in a tight match on our last hole, a par five. After a good drive, I had about 225 yards left, but the water guarded the green, and the wind blew strongly in my face. My partner and I discussed the pros and cons of going for the green. His shot had put him in relatively good shape, so we determined it was worth the risk for me to go for it. 

That decided, our discussion turned to which club to hit. Two holes prior, I had hit the purest three-iron I had hit in years, reaching a par five in two strokes. I thought if I hit that same shot on this hole, I would carry the green and get into deep trouble. My gut said to opt for a four-iron, but it would have to be a perfect shot. My partner leaned toward a three-iron but encouraged me to go with my gut. 

I pulled the club, took a deep breath, and looked at the target, and my brain filled with thoughts. The previous day on the same hole, I’d hit the worst shot of the season, sending my ball into the water. And a week prior, under different conditions, I’d hit a six-iron that started left of the green before perfectly fading into the middle of it. 

Which memory was I going to fixate on? 

I took another deep breath and another long look at the target. I took my stance and one last look. 

I then executed my best swing of the day. I caught the ball purely and watched it fly directly towards the pin… 

Take Necessary Risks

Someone reading this post is facing a major decision — and if so, this post is for you. The point I am making above is not to take unnecessary risks. In fact, sometimes, in golf, the best play is to lay up — something I should have done the previous day when I was not fully committed to going for the green, leading to my tentative swing and less-than-stellar outcome. 

Sometimes, however, you have to nudge yourself out of your comfort zone and go for it. Sometimes you have to leave the golf course, race home to get the ring and go to her house because you can’t wait a moment longer to get on one knee and ask her to marry you. Sometimes, you have to drop everything and take your child to the activity that you have not had time for. Sometimes you have to fly to Germany on Father’s Day to meet with a potential customer because it will be worth it ten years later. Sometimes you must drive to Evansville to see your Papa because you know there won’t be another chance. 

Hit Your Shot

While you may not have the same experiences as I have, I suspect you can relate to them; in fact, I’d be willing to bet that someone out there is facing something similar right now. 

And if you are, my advice to you is simple: trust your gut, pull out the “club,” and go for it. 

Hit your shot. 

Even if your perfect shot still somehow finds the water like mine did, you will go home realizing you took your shot. 

And there’s no denying that there is something magical, even life-giving, about taking your shot. 

Next Monday, I will share a brief special post on another shot I am taking. 

Until then, take yours. 

Trust Your Gut and Take Your Shot Read More »

How Change Happens Suddenly, Over Time

I was recently reminded of the power of repetition, and how change happens suddenly over time. If the second half of that sentence does not seem to make sense, allow me to explain. 

Working in manufacturing, I make it a point to walk our production floor every day I am in the office. I want to see, know, and connect with the people who make up our team — and the only way to do that is by actually doing that, rather than giving lip service to it. I’ve learned that I simply put on my walking shoes and get moving! 

Repetition Leads to Routine

The first day that you go out and walk the shop floor, nothing will look or feel different. If you’re like me you would see people working across an injection molding facility. They would see you, with many waving or saying hello. It would be a good experience, potentially even an interesting one, but not a transformative one. You might be tempted to think it was not worth the effort. After all, you had to stop whatever it was that you were doing to go walk the production floor. 

Then the next day comes, and again, you would have a choice to make. Did yesterday matter? It probably did not feel like it did. It was nice seeing people, hearing from a few of them, but it was hardly transformational. Should you do it again? You committed to it, so out of pure commitment you do. 

You do the same the next day, and the day after that. A few weeks later, you realize that this is turning into a routine. Since it is part of your routine, you no longer have to be as intentional as you were at the beginning. It simply is part of what you do. 

Routine Leads to Transformation

At some point along the way, you’ll start to realize that the friendly nods and hellos are turning into some occasional conversations. The conversations are the best part. You begin to learn about of the challenges your teammates are facing at work, and occasionally, at home. 

Then one day, if you are like me, you realize that change has happened suddenly over time. This happens when you find yourself having one of those conversations that make the whole day worthwhile. The kind that is both meaningful and transformational. The kind that makes you feel like it was destiny. Sure, your title might be something fancy, but titles are just external descriptors of what you sort of do. Conversations like these, however, are tied to the person you are: A leader who realizes that they can only make things happen with, and through, other people. 

And this only happens through the power of repetition. The reality that each moment matters, and that each moment spent well, leads to transformational change. 

It happens suddenly, but over time. 

How Change Happens Suddenly, Over Time Read More »

Dealing with Difficult Employees?

Many leaders I talk with have shared their frustration over one of their employees not performing as well as they could. They often refer to this problem as the problem of a difficult employee — an employee who isn’t giving them the results they want. 

Often, they place the focus on the problematic employee. The employee isn’t motivated. They are not doing what they are supposed to do. Their work is inconsistent. You get the idea. 

A Different Perspective

What if the difficult employee is not the problem? What if the problem is the leader? 

What if the leader has failed to set clear expectations of what performing well looks like? What if the leader has not regularly communicated their expectations? What if the leader has had many conversations about the difficult employee but never discussed their concerns with the employee in question? 

Blaming others is a lot like indulging in too much sugar. It tastes good going down and even leads to a short-term high, but it inevitably upsets your stomach and leaves you feeling worse. 

To be a real leader, you must own the problems you’ve helped create. And here is the reality: If you have someone on your team that you classify as a problematic employee, you have contributed to it. I’ll allow that you possibly hired the wrong person to begin with, but that is also on you. Or, more likely, there is something about your leadership that is lacking, and you are dealing with the repercussions. 

Been There, Done That

How do I know this? Because I have been there and done that. 

The Hoffer Plastics salesperson who wasn’t performing up to par was never the main problem or root cause. 

I was. 

I sometimes still am. 

How’s that for reality? 

So, where do we go from here? 

We take our medicine by owning it and changing our behavior going forward. 

On the front end, we make sure that we spend a LOT (emphasis needed) of time with potential hires. At Hoffer Plastics, I want to know that these potential teammates (not employees) are humble, hungry, and smart. This means they are team players who think about others more than themselves. They are self-starters. They also have a high emotional quotient (EQ) and know how to interact with others well. This keeps our team moving in sync and avoids inadvertently adding “difficult” folks to our team. 

Occasionally, however, “difficult” still makes it through the interview process. And that is always on me, not the person who made it through. But all is not lost. 

Clear Communication and Expectations

I believe in the power of clear communication and expectations. Sometimes tricky situations occur because communication and expectations are lacking. A Key Results Area (KRA), for example, gives a team member the blueprint for what success in their job entails. It also aligns the leader and employee to what the expectations are.  

There is no perfect way to write a KRA, but it must describe what winning looks like. If that sounds cheesy or too simplistic, then we are on to something. You do not need a Harvard MBA to be a successful leader — you need to be able to communicate clearly enough that a fifth grader can understand what winning looks like. 

Here is an example for a salesperson:

Key Result Area #1: Land new customers in the medical market 

What winning looks like: 

Winning means that we have a new relationship in our fastest-growing market. It will energize our team and bring a level of personal satisfaction for the contribution I have made. It also recognizes that my contribution is just one of many. We are one team. This will take the team working together, so winning will happen with everyone at the finish line together. 

What it will take: 

  • Attendance at MD&M Medical Design & Manufacturing show
  • Handwritten thank you notes to people that stop at our booth 
  • One-on-one, in-person meetings with prospective customers 
  • Learning how to help the customer win and guiding them elsewhere if we can’t help 
  • Quick (within X hours/days) responses to questions and RFQs
  • Gaining commitment when all the above aligns.

The above example clarifies what success looks like and what it will take to be successful. 

The Choice is Yours

Difficulty only arises when the team member is not doing what it takes or is doing things in a way that contradicts the company’s values. When this happens, the leader should produce the KRA and/or company values and honestly discuss them with the employee. 

Coming full circle, the point of this post is to get you to consider what you can do in your leadership to address difficult employees. You have to choose whether you want to keep eating sugar — blaming the difficult employee for everything — and feeling bad in the long run? Or do you want to take your medicine — realizing your contribution to the mess you are observing — and work to fix the problem? 

The latter is a different approach and one that leads the organization back to health. 

Dealing with Difficult Employees? Read More »

Dear Will (2022)

In commemoration of Will’s 11th birthday on August 16, 2022. 

Dear Will, 

There is a picture from the day you were born that I have often thought about this spring. We’re in the hospital room, and I am holding you with my back to the TV. There’s a Chicago Cubs game on. I think back to that moment and remember imagining the moments that would come…moments like taking you to your first baseball game, Little League, and watching you play ball. This spring, I watched you develop into a leader on your baseball team. You hit, defended, and were the player your coach counted on to pitch when the game was on the line. I think my heart raced at about 150 beats per minute when that happened, but you stayed calm. This amazed me. 

I do not know when you will read these words, so let me clarify my thoughts before going forward. As I told you this spring, I want you to know that I could care less about the results of your athletic progress. These days, there’s too much emphasis on performance, especially when it comes to child athletics. Let me state clearly that my love for you is not conditional. I do not care how well you play golf, baseball, or any other chosen sport. I love you regardless. 

Attitude

My favorite moment of this past baseball season was when you gave up a home run. You had never given up an inside-the-park home run before. The opposing player hit a long pop fly that your right fielder probably should have caught — but instead, the ball dropped and rolled to the fence. It was an instant home run! You brushed it off, shook your head, and had a facial expression that said, “oh well.” 

If you can take that attitude with you whenever life hits an inside-the-park home run on you, it will be incredible to witness the places you will go. I care far more about your mindset and character than your performance. To that end, you amaze me even more! 

Kindness

There is always an example of your kindness to behold. Just this morning, for example, you made your brother breakfast. You were not asked to — you simply did it because you wanted it to be ready for him when he came downstairs. The friendship you two share is also something to behold. My prayer is that friendship only deepens in the years to come. Never lose that friendship. Cling to it. It will be a steadying force in the years to come. 

Meanwhile, your gentleness to Sadie is instructive to me. Mom and I can tell that you are growing up faster than we would like, yet you are willing to go to Sadie’s level to connect with her. It is humbling to watch you be so kind and loving. It reminds me to similarly meet people where they are, appearances be damned. 

As you can tell, the last few years have been hard in many respects. And being your dad has been such a gift to me. That would always have been the case, but in the chaos of the last few years I think I appreciate it more than I would have otherwise. The joy I feel watching a game with you, seeing you before I leave for work, and especially watching you play, is indescribable. It settles my feet on otherwise shaky ground. I hope you read these words years from now and realize the gift your childhood was for me, your dad. They brought light to an otherwise dark time. They gave me life. 

And playing catch with you takes me back to 1980-something when I did not have a care in the world. It was, and is, freeing in a way that nothing else is.  

I love you, son. 

I will always love you. 

Dad.  

Dear Will (2022) Read More »

The Power of Remembering

Welcome to mid-August and the dog days of summer. If you have lived the year right, this is the time of the year when you wonder whether you can make it through the fall and to the finish line. With this in mind, I want to share the key to renewing your energy. 

Remembering 

This spring, I spent three months studying 1 and 2 Kings in my Bible. These books detail how Israel lost its way by following the ways of culture rather than the Living God. Because of this, it was divided into two nations: Israel and Judah. The rest of the two books describe how kings from both countries mostly failed to live in accordance with the word of God. They failed, in short, because they failed to remember. 

Throughout scripture, there is an emphasis on remembering. This emphasis is there because remembering is core to one’s identity. Scripture encouraged the people of Israel to remember whose they were. As God’s chosen people, they were set apart to live differently than others around them. Life worked when they did, but it never did when they did not. 

Looking Inward 

Shifting from scripture to our lives, how do you feel right now? If you’re like many of us, you may be feeling a bit run down. If that’s you, let me ask you this: what if we focused on remembering? 

Take a few moments to consider these prompts: 

What is it about your work that makes you smile? 

What purpose does your work fulfill in the community around you? 

Slow down and consider this. 

Just to get you started, I’ll go first. I was having a rough week last week from an energy standpoint. Then I went out on our production floor and engaged with a few friends. I guess I could call them employees, but that feels (and sounds) too impersonal. They are friends. They lifted me up. They made me smile. I renewed my energy by spending time with them and renewed my energy again by remembering them and our interaction. 

More prompts: 

Remember the moment when you stood at the altar? For me, it was when the doors opened, and Sarah appeared in that white dress. Fifteen years and counting, but I still go back to that moment. The life God has given us since then is, to quote my sophomore speech back at Purdue, “blessed beyond belief.” 

Remember that moment when you first looked into your son or daughter’s eyes? The gates of hell could not stand against you at that moment. All of life changed in that instant. You were never more alive. Can you recall it? Do you still feel it? I often go back to this moment, especially when my kids are being kids. If you have ever been a parent, you know what I mean by that statement! 

Remembering

We live in a world where everyone wants more vacation time and more time off work. I am not against any of this. But I have discovered that for me, vacation and time off work often don’t lead to the renewal I am seeking. Many times, I am more tired after my vacation than I am after work! That means I may return to work feeling depressed and drained. 

But focusing on remembering allows me to reorient my soul. Suddenly, I feel headed back on track to what matters. The wind shifts from my face to my back. My steps feel purposeful. I am rejuvenated with the knowledge that I can keep going. All because I remembered. 

The Power of Remembering Read More »

Dear Sadie (2022)

A few years ago, I started posting a letter to my late grandfather on his birthday. I’ve found it to be a great way to remember and honor him — but I’ll admit that I wish I could tell him the things I write in my letter or that he could at least read it himself. It is this feeling of longing that drove me to start writing and posting birthday letters to my three kids. I plan on writing this blog for years to come, so my hope is that they will be able to come here and read them over time. 

Why am I sharing these letters in such a public way? Because I hope they will have value to you as a reader. As you read these, I invite you to remember what you love about those closest to you. If you are a parent, consider writing your kids their own birthday letter. The letter-writing process will help you remember what you love about them. And let that love overflow to how you lead other human beings. You cannot give what you do not possess. So let the power of remembering (I’ll talk more on this next week) increase your love and positively impact your leadership.  

Here is my letter to Sadie… 

Dear Sadie, 

Joy entered my world on August 2, 2016. Let me be clear that joy existed before this day. In fact, as we often talk about at home, true Joy can only be found in Jesus. I know this sounds dumbfounding to those who do not know Jesus, but there is no better love. Indescribable love gives birth to the truest Joy on the planet, for it is worth everything.   

But your arrival was an added dimension to the joy I had previously known. Like the first sights of faith, an entirely new world was opened up to me. Suddenly, I could see new colors — often pink and purple! And wow, those colors are beautiful! It was, and is, amazing. Since then, each day spans the spectrum of the rainbow.  

As you turn six, I already see characteristics developing that will shape the adult person you will become. You are determined. I call you “Momma Jean” as you dole out demands to your two older brothers. They comply out of love and because you are someone they want to follow. They want to follow you because the only human love I have seen matched is from your mom, my wife! There are moments when I see your love in action and gasp, realizing this is what your mom must have been like at your age. It is like I can see into the past with more clarity now. All because you are amazing, just like your mom. 

One thing of note before I go forward: You are amazing simply because you exist. You have a God-purchased amazing identity. This is not contingent on what you do or don’t do. If your eyes see this down the road when life is hard — and life always gets hard — realize that your identity is amazing because of Whose you are, not because of what you do. The same for me. The same for mom. The same for everyone. 

If there is anything better than a “Sadie hug” on this side of heaven, I have not found it. Those hugs are the most life-giving hugs on the planet. They change something deep inside my soul, offering reassurance that things can be good again. And they often lead to you calling for “family hugs.” The boys roll their eyes and typically flee the room, but it is their loss. I will take hugs from your mom and you every single day! 

I will end with remembering our family room dances, always initiated by you. Twirling you, hearing your infectious laughter, and seeing that smile only mom can rival, are the things that make life precious. I find myself wishing these moments would never end.  

My love for you only grows and grows. 

While I excitedly anticipate the adult you will inevitably become, something tells me that I will one day mentally go back to this time right now. A time when you are a little girl with an outstretched hand, twirling, dancing, and falling into my embrace. 

There is nothing better. There will never be anything better. 

I love you. Happy 6th birthday, my special little girl.

Dad 

Dear Sadie (2022) Read More »

Loving Yourself

Last week I asked the question, “Do you love others enough to admit when you are wrong?” 

Answering this question positively helps a leader become someone worth following. It also helps them do things with and through other people, which is the process of leadership. 

This week’s question provides similar benefits if we take it seriously. It is: 

Do you love yourself enough to find out what you do not want to know about yourself? 

If this feels uncomfortable, that’s okay — it’s supposed to. And to get the most out of the answer, it makes sense to first address the second part of the question: what DON’T you want to know about yourself? 

For me, it runs the gamut:

  • I don’t want to know what irritates other people at work 
  • I don’t want to know my blind spots 
  • I don’t want to know the specific things I say and do that annoy Sarah
  • I don’t want to know what annoys my kids — especially once they become teenagers and are experts on everything! 

Do You Want Feedback or Feedback Lite?

As I read what I’ve written above, I can sense some of you saying, “Not me. I really want to know those things!”  If that’s the case, that’s great! Either you’re more mature than I am and actually want to know ALL of that, or you know that saying you want to know that stuff is the right thing to say. 

But most of us (me included) say that we want feedback, but what we mean is something more along the lines of feedback lite. In other words, “I want to know all the things that I ALREADY know about myself, and maybe one or two things other that are not too offensive. But, definitely not everything.”  

How can I tell I don’t want to hear the above items? Because I react poorly when they are unsolicitedly shared with me. Or am I the only one who doesn’t handle it well when my wife points out one of my faults on a day when I’m tired, and work was a beast? 

Seriously, am I the only one that handles that poorly? 

Getting Feedback to Get Better

If I really love myself, I want to get better. This involves hearing things about myself that I do not want to hear — even when the feedback comes when I haven’t asked for it. 

I like simple ideas, so here is one to start the process of hearing things you do not want to hear about yourself: 

  • Share the topic of this post — that you need to hear things about yourself that you probably do not want to hear so that you can improve as a person. 
  • Guarantee that there will be no repercussions or fallout (and stick to it!)
  • Ask that they be gentle but uncomfortably honest. 
  • Then ask, “How am I doing as your [fill in the blank]? What can I do better?”

Who should you ask? Here’s a list to get you started:

  • Coworker 
  • Boss 
  • Direct report 
  • Spouse (or best friend)
  • Child(ren) / another family member 

These people will unlock insights about you that will help you become a better person. 

They Call it the “Painful” Truth for a Reason

Learning this about yourself may not feel good in the moment, but it is the actual loving thing to do. I say this with confidence because it will change you for the better. 

Before closing, I want to remind you that it’s crucial to analyze and interpret the feedback you receive — someone’s opinion of you is not gospel, it’s just their opinion. Listen to what they share and find the truth behind it. 

Leaning into what you do not want to hear is admittedly not fun. It is often painful. But it is also often the place where transformation begins. 

If you want what is best for yourself, seek out what you do not want to hear about yourself. You will become a better person and, by default, a better leader. 

Loving Yourself Read More »