Leadership

I was recently reminded of the power of repetition, and how change happens suddenly over time. If the second half of that sentence does not seem to make sense, allow me to explain. 

Working in manufacturing, I make it a point to walk our production floor every day I am in the office. I want to see, know, and connect with the people who make up our team — and the only way to do that is by actually doing that, rather than giving lip service to it. I’ve learned that I simply put on my walking shoes and get moving! 

Repetition Leads to Routine

The first day that you go out and walk the shop floor, nothing will look or feel different. If you’re like me you would see people working across an injection molding facility. They would see you, with many waving or saying hello. It would be a good experience, potentially even an interesting one, but not a transformative one. You might be tempted to think it was not worth the effort. After all, you had to stop whatever it was that you were doing to go walk the production floor. 

Then the next day comes, and again, you would have a choice to make. Did yesterday matter? It probably did not feel like it did. It was nice seeing people, hearing from a few of them, but it was hardly transformational. Should you do it again? You committed to it, so out of pure commitment you do. 

You do the same the next day, and the day after that. A few weeks later, you realize that this is turning into a routine. Since it is part of your routine, you no longer have to be as intentional as you were at the beginning. It simply is part of what you do. 

Routine Leads to Transformation

At some point along the way, you’ll start to realize that the friendly nods and hellos are turning into some occasional conversations. The conversations are the best part. You begin to learn about of the challenges your teammates are facing at work, and occasionally, at home. 

Then one day, if you are like me, you realize that change has happened suddenly over time. This happens when you find yourself having one of those conversations that make the whole day worthwhile. The kind that is both meaningful and transformational. The kind that makes you feel like it was destiny. Sure, your title might be something fancy, but titles are just external descriptors of what you sort of do. Conversations like these, however, are tied to the person you are: A leader who realizes that they can only make things happen with, and through, other people. 

And this only happens through the power of repetition. The reality that each moment matters, and that each moment spent well, leads to transformational change. 

It happens suddenly, but over time. 

Many leaders I talk with have shared their frustration over one of their employees not performing as well as they could. They often refer to this problem as the problem of a difficult employee — an employee who isn’t giving them the results they want. 

Often, they place the focus on the problematic employee. The employee isn’t motivated. They are not doing what they are supposed to do. Their work is inconsistent. You get the idea. 

A Different Perspective

What if the difficult employee is not the problem? What if the problem is the leader? 

What if the leader has failed to set clear expectations of what performing well looks like? What if the leader has not regularly communicated their expectations? What if the leader has had many conversations about the difficult employee but never discussed their concerns with the employee in question? 

Blaming others is a lot like indulging in too much sugar. It tastes good going down and even leads to a short-term high, but it inevitably upsets your stomach and leaves you feeling worse. 

To be a real leader, you must own the problems you’ve helped create. And here is the reality: If you have someone on your team that you classify as a problematic employee, you have contributed to it. I’ll allow that you possibly hired the wrong person to begin with, but that is also on you. Or, more likely, there is something about your leadership that is lacking, and you are dealing with the repercussions. 

Been There, Done That

How do I know this? Because I have been there and done that. 

The Hoffer Plastics salesperson who wasn’t performing up to par was never the main problem or root cause. 

I was. 

I sometimes still am. 

How’s that for reality? 

So, where do we go from here? 

We take our medicine by owning it and changing our behavior going forward. 

On the front end, we make sure that we spend a LOT (emphasis needed) of time with potential hires. At Hoffer Plastics, I want to know that these potential teammates (not employees) are humble, hungry, and smart. This means they are team players who think about others more than themselves. They are self-starters. They also have a high emotional quotient (EQ) and know how to interact with others well. This keeps our team moving in sync and avoids inadvertently adding “difficult” folks to our team. 

Occasionally, however, “difficult” still makes it through the interview process. And that is always on me, not the person who made it through. But all is not lost. 

Clear Communication and Expectations

I believe in the power of clear communication and expectations. Sometimes tricky situations occur because communication and expectations are lacking. A Key Results Area (KRA), for example, gives a team member the blueprint for what success in their job entails. It also aligns the leader and employee to what the expectations are.  

There is no perfect way to write a KRA, but it must describe what winning looks like. If that sounds cheesy or too simplistic, then we are on to something. You do not need a Harvard MBA to be a successful leader — you need to be able to communicate clearly enough that a fifth grader can understand what winning looks like. 

Here is an example for a salesperson:

Key Result Area #1: Land new customers in the medical market 

What winning looks like: 

Winning means that we have a new relationship in our fastest-growing market. It will energize our team and bring a level of personal satisfaction for the contribution I have made. It also recognizes that my contribution is just one of many. We are one team. This will take the team working together, so winning will happen with everyone at the finish line together. 

What it will take: 

• Attendance at MD&M Medical Design & Manufacturing show
• Handwritten thank you notes to people that stop at our booth 
• One-on-one, in-person meetings with prospective customers 
• Learning how to help the customer win and guiding them elsewhere if we can’t help 
• Quick (within X hours/days) responses to questions and RFQs
• Gaining commitment when all the above aligns.

The above example clarifies what success looks like and what it will take to be successful. 

The Choice is Yours

Difficulty only arises when the team member is not doing what it takes or is doing things in a way that contradicts the company’s values. When this happens, the leader should produce the KRA and/or company values and honestly discuss them with the employee. 

Coming full circle, the point of this post is to get you to consider what you can do in your leadership to address difficult employees. You have to choose whether you want to keep eating sugar — blaming the difficult employee for everything — and feeling bad in the long run? Or do you want to take your medicine — realizing your contribution to the mess you are observing — and work to fix the problem? 

The latter is a different approach and one that leads the organization back to health. 

Last week I asked the question, “Do you love others enough to admit when you are wrong?” 

Answering this question positively helps a leader become someone worth following. It also helps them do things with and through other people, which is the process of leadership. 

This week’s question provides similar benefits if we take it seriously. It is: 

Do you love yourself enough to find out what you do not want to know about yourself? 

If this feels uncomfortable, that’s okay — it’s supposed to. And to get the most out of the answer, it makes sense to first address the second part of the question: what DON’T you want to know about yourself? 

For me, it runs the gamut:

• I don’t want to know what irritates other people at work 
• I don’t want to know my blind spots 
• I don’t want to know the specific things I say and do that annoy Sarah
• I don’t want to know what annoys my kids — especially once they become teenagers and are experts on everything! 

Do You Want Feedback or Feedback Lite?

As I read what I’ve written above, I can sense some of you saying, “Not me. I really want to know those things!”  If that’s the case, that’s great! Either you’re more mature than I am and actually want to know ALL of that, or you know that saying you want to know that stuff is the right thing to say. 

But most of us (me included) say that we want feedback, but what we mean is something more along the lines of feedback lite. In other words, “I want to know all the things that I ALREADY know about myself, and maybe one or two things other that are not too offensive. But, definitely not everything.”  

How can I tell I don’t want to hear the above items? Because I react poorly when they are unsolicitedly shared with me. Or am I the only one who doesn’t handle it well when my wife points out one of my faults on a day when I’m tired, and work was a beast? 

Seriously, am I the only one that handles that poorly? 

Getting Feedback to Get Better

If I really love myself, I want to get better. This involves hearing things about myself that I do not want to hear — even when the feedback comes when I haven’t asked for it. 

I like simple ideas, so here is one to start the process of hearing things you do not want to hear about yourself: 

• Share the topic of this post — that you need to hear things about yourself that you probably do not want to hear so that you can improve as a person. 
• Guarantee that there will be no repercussions or fallout (and stick to it!)
• Ask that they be gentle but uncomfortably honest. 
• Then ask, “How am I doing as your [fill in the blank]? What can I do better?”

Who should you ask? Here’s a list to get you started:

• Coworker 
• Boss 
• Direct report 
• Spouse (or best friend)
• Child(ren) / another family member 

These people will unlock insights about you that will help you become a better person. 

They Call it the “Painful” Truth for a Reason

Learning this about yourself may not feel good in the moment, but it is the actual loving thing to do. I say this with confidence because it will change you for the better. 

Before closing, I want to remind you that it’s crucial to analyze and interpret the feedback you receive — someone’s opinion of you is not gospel, it’s just their opinion. Listen to what they share and find the truth behind it. 

Leaning into what you do not want to hear is admittedly not fun. It is often painful. But it is also often the place where transformation begins. 

If you want what is best for yourself, seek out what you do not want to hear about yourself. You will become a better person and, by default, a better leader. 

Leadership is the process of doing things with and through other people. But how can you ensure you’re the most effective leader you can be? Over the next two weeks, I will ask you two simple questions that will require you to reflect on your leadership. 

This week’s question is:

Do you love others enough to admit when you are wrong? 

Think about it this way: when was the last time you… 

• Confessed a wrongdoing to a team member? 
• Admitted you were wrong to your spouse? 
• Told one of your children you had made a mistake?
• Apologized to a friend because of an error you made or a misunderstanding you caused? 

The Remarkableness of Owning Up to Our Mistakes

I recently browsed through social media and found a remarkable post from a politician. It read: 

The other day, I voiced my strong belief about one of the day’s prevailing issues — you can YouTube the talk to see exactly what I am referring to. Unfortunately, I used divisive rhetoric. Instead of sticking to the issue at hand, I insulted a few opposing party members. I was absolutely wrong in doing so. I apologize for this. In the future, I will stick to the issue and not criticize others personally.

Do you know who said this? 

Neither do I because I just made it up. 

Wouldn’t it be amazing if a politician did this? You might not even agree with their stance on whatever the “prevailing” issue of the day is, but you would at least respect them. More to the point, you would sense that they (actually) do care for people, rather than just giving them lip service. 

Why “Loving” Leaders Admit Fault

Let’s stop picking on politicians and personalize this: 

• Are we the kind of people that admit when we are wrong? 
• Am I the kind of person that admits when I am wrong? 

I’d like to suggest that when we are loving, we are willing to admit that we’re wrong. And here’s what I mean: Loving is an action. It says, “I care for you so much that I am going to admit that I am wrong, even when I do not feel like doing so.” 

When I’m loving, I’m driven to:

• Apologize to my executive admin when my tone is too direct — something I just did before writing this post! 
• Admit to our sales leader that my idea isn’t the best one. 
• Apologize to Sarah when I come home grumpy and bring the whole house’s energy down to my negative level. Ugh! 
• Apologize to my kids when my tone is too aggressive, when I say a bad word while watching a football game, or any other foolish thing I do. 

It May Not Be the Easy Thing, But It’s the Loving Thing

When do I feel like apologizing? 

I hate to confess this, but mostly never. 

But I do it because it is the loving thing to do. 

Do you love others enough to admit when you are wrong? 

My hunch is that our society would be better if more of us did this. 

I guarantee you will be worth following when you do. 

I can say this with confidence because I will follow your lead! 

Last week I was having quite a week. Things were not going well. And the longer I dwelled on the situation, the madder I got. My prayers that day turned into to a confessional of the thoughts I had and even the things I said. It was not healthy. 

I was desperate, so I desperately prayed. But no epiphany came — at least not immediately. I struggled to sleep, then got up, and lived another day. Rinse and repeat. 

Another day dawned — and like most mornings, I hit the gym. And as I was working out, the funniest thought came to my mind — these five words:

“Alright stop, collaborate and listen.”

If you recognize those words as the lyrical stylings of one of the 1990s most marvelously-coiffed rappers, Vanilla Ice, give yourself a bonus point! And don’t hold it against me. It was what my brain brought to me during that early-morning workout.

Believe it or not, this simple phrase hit me like a ton of bricks. 

Here’s what Rob Van Winkle —  aka Vanilla Ice — taught me about tough situations and leadership.

Stop

The first thing I needed to do was slow down to a full stop. 

Stopping allows you to gain valuable perspective. 

And I did. After stopping, I could clearly see that world was not falling. My situation was in no way pleasant — but it was also not life or death. 

Collaborate

I’ll admit that this isn’t the first time I’ve had to ask myself which is more important: being right or collaborating with my sisters on the change we were collectively experiencing? What about the rest of the team — did I value their input? Was I willing to work with them? Or was this about me? And if I didn’t get my way, would I run away and pout like a three-year-old? 

These were hard questions to ask — and would’ve been impossible to effectively answer without taking a moment to stop. But after pausing for a moment, I could easily see that my relationships mattered more than getting my way. This situation was easily resolvable. 

Listen
Ah, listening. It’s so important! After all, is there any way to collaborate other than through listening? Don’t collaboration and listening go hand in hand? Of course they do! 

I have to remind myself to be open to not just hearing other people’s positions and opinions but also to being influenced or changed by what I hear. The latter is authentic listening. 

When All Else Fails, Laugh

When all else fails, find something to laugh at. 

The notion that Vanilla Ice was teaching me about leadership made me laugh in between exercises at the gym. The thought that I could share this experience with others via my blog made me chuckle all the more. They say that laughter is the best medicine — and laughing at myself and my wacky brain that morning was the medicine I needed to get through that challenging situation. 

So I blasted my headphones (definitely not Vanilla Ice!) and finished my workout. I went to the office and connected with people throughout the day. 

My advice to you? When you find yourself facing a tough situation at work or in life, follow the wise words of Mr. Ice. Stop, collaborate and listen. And don’t forget to laugh!

I was planning on writing a totally different post — but I just found out about a big change occurring inside our business. Two of our leaders are leaving together to pursue another opportunity. 

In other words, what I thought was the plan and what the plan actually is are two different things. 

Enter Change

Change is always hard. Our “plan” was going just fine — in fact, the company had its best month ever in March! But now, things are interrupted. 

Interruption always brings change. And change is rarely fun. 

As I told my dad when we were texting last night, I have to bring positive energy to the office tomorrow morning. Writing these words on the ‘morrow morning, I don’t feel positive. So where do I go from here? 

The Feeling of Grief 

It would be easier if the two people leaving were not good at their jobs. It would be easier if they were people I did not respect or like. It would be easier, but still not easy. 

The question I find myself pondering is whether I am mad or sad? As a man, it is more socially acceptable to be the former than the latter. But honestly, I am the latter. 

Businesswise, we will be fine. And please note that by saying that, I am not knocking our two departing employees — their loss is enormous. I just serve a bigger God who has countlessly provided for our company and me, over and over again. I have faith in Him. 

Further, I realize we are all replaceable. This starts with ME. I am easily replaceable in so many respects it is not even funny. I am fallible, I get things wrong, and I know other people could do my job just as well or better than I do. I really think this — and I also think (and know!) that in Jesus’ eyes, my value is so great that even the cross was bearable. 

Both realities are true. 

So I am just sad. I am mostly sad that I won’t have the relational connection that I have had with them. Change sucks in this regard. 

Living Out the Emotion 

The next question I ask myself is what emotion am I going to live out? Is it anger? Sadness? Or something else? 

Is it love? 

If love is defined in terms of feelings, it cannot be. 

I don’t feel loving at all. 

I don’t feel hatred either. 

I don’t feel much at all. I just feel numb. 

But, I choose love. I choose the sacrificial kind of love. The kind that does not feel good to give. The kind that costs something. 

I know this might sound crazy, but last night — when I found out the second person was joining the first person to run another organization, I prayed.

I prayed that God would bless both of them. 

I prayed that their new business would experience radical success. 

I prayed that their families would be blessed by the fruits of their labor. 

I prayed that they would both flourish. 

What’s Next

I have a business to lead. Change is not fun, not what I would choose, and not what I want. 

But it is reality. 

Now I end this post with a renewed sense of purpose. My energy is positive. It will take faith, and gratitude, to keep it positive. 

As I pray regularly, I will pray to close now…

Let Your will be done, Lord. 

Even when it hurts. 

Even when I would prefer otherwise. 

Help me choose love nevertheless. 

Help me be for people and not against them. 

Even when it hurts. 

Especially when it hurts. 

Thank you that it does hurt, Lord. 

I love these people. 

I want the best for them. 

Amen. 

I’m filled with happy thoughts when I think back to my childhood. We lived in a typical 1980s neighborhood that felt more like The Wonder Years than current reality. My memories are of driveway hockey games, backyard football games, and more fun than I can fully remember. Life was good and we were blessed. 

We had two main rules in my family: first, my mom better know where I was — and second, I better be home for dinner by 5:30. Going home was never a problem because I was happy there. Don’t get me wrong, it was not perfect, just joyful. And as I find myself striving for some unattainable kind of perfection in my own home, I try to remind myself that what’s most important is creating a joyful environment. 

My mom was the one who set the joyful tone at home. As the third child, I reaped the benefit of her parenting experience. Looking back, especially at my adolescent years, I can see that my mom did three things that distinguished her from other parents and taught me vitally important lessons that apply to life and now leadership. 

Be Hospitable 

My mom realized that teenagers craved community, so she created an environment that was welcoming to all. I hosted sleepovers for various big events like the Final Four, pay-per-view boxing matches, and other sporting events. This often led to teenage boys acting out what they saw on TV in our family basement — and my mom rolled with it all! Of course, my dad reined things in from time to time (a role I see myself playing in a few short years) but my friends knew that we could push things a little more with my mom. It was fun and welcoming, and they all wanted to come back. Therefore, my social credit rose. Thanks, Mom! 

What did my mom get out of it? She knew exactly where we were and what we were doing — and also, what we were NOT doing. Well played, Mom! 

Have a Product 

Sleepovers at my house always ended with something my friends looked forward to: breakfast. After every sleepover, my mom made piles and piles of bacon. And as everyone knows, if you want to touch the heart of a teenage boy, give them lots of bacon! 

My mom was known for her bacon. Looking back, I realize (and I mean this with no disrespect) that there was nothing extraordinary about her bacon. She just delivered it time and time again, which made it special. 

How special? I am now 40 and recently traveled with my best friend, who had been at just about every one of my sleepovers back in the day. While eating breakfast at the Napa Valley Inn— including bacon — he began shaking his head. Puzzled, I look at him. He responded, “It’s still not as good as your mom’s.”

The point is that hospitality, and having a product worth coming back for, led to one last thing. 

No Judgment Conversation 

If my mom had a personal motto, it would have been, “You can tell me anything.” Maybe it was because everyone had a good time (or that they were stuffed with bacon) but my friends told my mom everything. It was literally the no-spin zone. 

In return, my mom did not judge. She most assuredly used her influence to nudge us in certain directions, but at the time, it did not feel like a lecture. It was leadership!  Even as a junior and senior in high school, I could tell my mom everything. This is probably why I learned to share what is (really) going on inside me and not hide it. I owe all that to my mom! 

When I think about my home life and the kind of leader I want to be, I think about the instructive lessons I learned from my mom. I want our home to be the place where kids want to come. I want to create a “gotta have” product — probably hamburgers! And I want my kids and their friends to feel safe enough to tell me everything. 

Similarly, at work, I want my office to be a safe place. I want my “product” to be the gift of listening. And I want others to feel secure enough to share what is on their mind. In short, I want to be like my mom.

This month, I want to talk about the importance of a leader’s ability to pay it forward. Now, I realize that paying it forward can happen in a variety of ways, but for the purposes of our discussion, I want to explore four specific things that leaders can pass on: dignity, love, opportunity, and purpose. When a leader pays these things forward, new life develops in others. And while this may not be the leader’s intent, it goes a long way toward their transformation into someone that others find worth following. 

What I’ve Learned About Leadership From Abraham Lincoln 

One ritual I have developed over the years is reading about Abraham Lincoln. Other than the Bible, reading about Lincoln has been some of the most significant reading I have done in my leadership development journey because he is someone I want to emulate. This year, I chose to reread Doris Kearns Goodwin’s classic, Team of Rivals. The stories about Lincoln in today’s post come from this book. 

While there are so many attributes of Abraham Lincoln that I appreciate — his ability to use humor, the way he prioritized meeting with people in person, and his willingness to change his mind based on the input of trusted advisers, to name just a few — I want to focus today on his ability to bring dignity to others. 

Obviously, Lincoln found himself in arguably one of the most difficult leadership positions in modern history shortly after he was elected President. With states seceding from the Union and, shortly after, the onset of a Civil War, Lincoln’s task was monumental. 

As time went by and his thinking about race relations evolved, Lincoln opened up to the idea of meeting with former slave-turned-abolitionist Frederick Douglass. As Goodwin recounts, Douglass was actually a critic of Lincoln, believing Lincoln had not gone far enough in pursuing an end to slavery. So when Douglass showed up at the White House in August of 1863 without an appointment, he expected to wait for hours before seeing the President. However, two minutes later he was ushered in to see him. 

The Power of Feeling Heard

To gain the intended insight here we have to mentally travel back to 1863. No sitting President had ever met with a black abolitionist leader inside the White House, let alone listened to him. But not only did Lincoln do these things, he did more. As Douglass later recalled, “I felt as though I could put my hand on his shoulder.” 

Lincoln listened to Douglass’ concerns about how black soldiers were being treated as prisoners and their need for equal pay. And while Lincoln did not commit to changing federal policy on the pay issue, his voice “quivered” when describing the lengths he would go to protect all prisoners of war, regardless of color. 

At a later speaking event, Douglass said that while he was not entirely satisfied with how the conversation went, he felt heard. He went on to tell the crowd, “I tell you, I felt big there!” 

Think about that for a moment. Wouldn’t our leadership be better if others could say they felt “big” after talking with us? 

Dignifying Others is Leadership

In typical Lincoln fashion, this was not the last time he and Douglass met. In fact, they met several times the remaining two-plus years of Lincoln’s life. Lincoln even personally invited Douglass to his second inauguration. 

Afterward, Douglass was barred from entering the White House for the post-inaugural reception. When word reached Lincoln that this was happening, he stopped what he was doing and made sure Douglass gained entrance. Then he immediately talked with Douglass, setting to the side two Senators he was previously conversing with. 

Feeling a little embarrassed, Douglass reminded Lincoln of all the people he needed to see — according to Goodwin, Lincoln shook approximately 5,000 hands at that reception. But Lincoln persisted. “No, no,” Lincoln said, “you must stop a little, Douglass; there is no man in the country whose opinion I value more than yours. I want to know what you think of it?” referring to the inaugural address he’d delivered earlier that day. 

Douglass replied, “Mr. Lincoln, that was a sacred effort.”

Knowing Douglass was one of the few that would courageously tell the President the truth, Lincoln was now the man feeling “big.” 

Dignifying others is leadership. It is one of the best things we can pay forward. So, let’s follow Lincoln’s, and Douglass’, example. 

Let’s make others feel big this week. 

Like many of my posts, this post was born early one morning at the gym — I suspect it’s because, with my body engaged, my mind can wander while I’m working out. And over the past several years, my mind has often wandered to the topic of shared leadership. 

Admittedly, when my two sisters and I began telling others that we were going to share leadership of Hoffer Plastics, it was awkward — despite the fact that we thought it was the best way to move forward. Many people did not understand how it would work. What would happen when two of us wanted to take the business in a particular direction, and the third did not? What decisions would be made by all three of us, and which could be made autonomously? 

Not only were these questions worthy of our time, but they were instructive. We realized that if we wanted our shared leadership model to succeed, we had to gain clarity on our answers. We began the process of doing the work and clarifying expectations — and then the pandemic happened. 

As Mike Tyson allegedly said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.” And boy, did COVID punch us square in the face! But it also helped us prioritize, rendering secondary issues unimportant and reinforcing the early bonds of our alliance. COVID also legitimized our shared leadership model in the eyes of internal and external stakeholders. After all, the biggest question for any leader (or leadership model) is how they will perform under stress. When our company began turning a profit in July of 2020 — thanks to the hard work of our team — the three of us had demonstrated we could weather the onslaught of COVID-19 stress. 

While it is true that our business has continued to succeed in the months (and now years) after the initial stresses of the pandemic — and while it is also true that the shared leadership model we originally created has worked — I still find myself thinking back on its creation. This is especially true at times when I am alone with my thoughts. 

Do You Want to Be CEO?

In last week’s post, I mentioned the leadership coach who regularly works with my sisters and me. And in late 2021, he asked all three of us, “Do you want to be the CEO?” I raised my hand and said that I did. 

As I told the group, being CEO had nothing to do with power. Instead, I think it is the culmination of leadership. It is the ultimate test, with nowhere to hide and no one to blame — if it’s done well. 

I also affirmed that each of my sisters was more than smart enough to hold the CEO role. One of them is blessed with immense financial wisdom, the other with creativity and communication skills necessary for a CEO to succeed. This, I said, was not about having authority over them. It was about my inner desire to lead. 

What’s Driving Your CEO Desire?

As I reflected on my desire to become CEO, I realized a few things. First, I had to ask myself whether my ego was driving that desire. As my executive coach would remind me, one’s ego isn’t inherently bad — it can actually be good. And upon reflection, I discovered that my ego was absolutely driving some of my desire to be CEO. After all, the title has meaning and worth in business culture. 

I asked myself, “Do I really need a title to feel good about myself?” And my answer was this: as I’ve shared many times, my identity is built on my faith in Jesus. He died for me, and His love is the ultimate sign of my worthiness and identity. I am worthy because He says I am, not because of what I do or don’t do. My identity is therefore His and not wrapped in some earthly achievement. 

If the above paragraph doesn’t resonate with you or your specific situation, that’s cool. But, for me, knowing that I am worthy in Jesus’ eyes is the most freeing truth in the world. I don’t need a title to be content. I need Jesus —only Jesus. 

Leadership is Influence

Freed of the negative side of my ego, I also realized something. I suppose I already knew it, but I saw with renewed clarity. It’s one of those things that is so elementary that it’s easy to miss its significance— so lean in. Here it is:

The only kind of leadership is shared leadership. 

Let that sink in. 

What is leadership? To quote John Maxwell, leadership is influence. Nothing more, nothing less. 

This morning at the gym, this is what I realized. True leadership is always shared leadership. Spending time with my sisters to explore different leadership models is a waste of time. It takes leadership (i.e., influence) to effectively move any initiative forward. What ISN’T leadership is jamming an initiative down people’s throats. Family or not, that’s not leadership — it’s a dictatorship. 

The success of every board and company rely on shared leadership. It is dependent on human beings using their influence to move organizations from point A to point B. The moment that shared leadership dies, so does the organization. That is unless a dictator emerges, which brings an onslaught of its own problems with it — too many to address here. The point is that leadership always requires compromise, sacrifice, and a willingness to do whatever it takes to work with others. 

Outsiders have occasionally criticized our shared leadership model by saying that our dad could not decide who to put “in charge,” nor could we, so we just took the safe route. There is probably some truth to that. But what they miss, and what I have come to realize, is that the model we created was the foundation for the executive leadership development we needed. I’m proud to say that the three of us siblings have spent two years leading a business together, increasing sales and profitability without damaging our personal relationships. 

Influence, compromise, and candor is the only way it happens.

One common question people ask me is, “What is it like to work with your siblings?” Over the next two weeks, I will use this blog to attempt to answer that question. Next week, I’ll talk about our shared leadership model, but for now, I want to share some lessons I have learned about relationships. 

Before I get started, let me clarify a few things. First, I do not think of myself as an expert in relationships in general or sibling work relationships. The lessons I’m sharing are simply observations made from my own experience. My sisters and I have worked together since 2008, and our path has been mostly smooth because we have engaged outside help. As far as I’m concerned, our leadership coach is the expert! 

Second, while our work relationships are constantly evolving, we have so far maintained healthy relationships outside of work. Our families travel together, and I often find myself at sporting events with my two brothers-in-law. Together, we have agreed that what would cause us to “walk away” from the business would be if our relationships began deteriorating. This is why we have sought out the professional help I mentioned above. 

With all that out of the way, here are the three main lessons I have learned working with my sisters. 

Don’t Judge a Book by Its Cover

Most people have heard this lesson repeated since their early school years. That said, not judging a book by its cover is hard to always implement in real life. In fact, it is even harder to implement when it involves something (or someone) you know extremely well.  Especially when working with family, it’s tempting to think that you already know the story. But you may not. 

At work, since I know things about my sisters’ personal lives, I can be tempted to think I know the “book.” And while it may be true that I’m privy to a large proportion of what is going on in their lives, it doesn’t mean that I know everything. I must start from a place of knowing I don’t know everything before proceeding. 

Be Curious 

Curiosity moves me from judgment. The only way to discover what is in the “book” is to ask questions. I realize that I am at my best when I ask questions instead of making statements. Also, questions allow my sisters to open up, share what is happening in their lives with me, and ensure they feel heard.  

I must confess: this is difficult for me to do when I’m task-focused. When I’m focused on “getting it done” I assume that I know what my sisters will think, do, or say — and as a result, fail to ask clarifying questions. I am at my worst when I do this. 

Life is complex. The only way to develop a clear understanding of a situation is by asking questions and maintaining genuine curiosity. When I do that, I often discover that there is much more to the “book” than I first thought. 

Affirm Often 

One of my sisters recently shared her need for positive affirmation. It was brave of her to admit it, and it reminded me how much I, too, need it. Affirmation is an acknowledgment of one’s personhood. It says, “I see you, and I value you.” After all, what sibling doesn’t need that from their siblings? Better yet, what human doesn’t need that? 

Just like when I’m asking questions, I feel similarly at my best when I affirm others. This takes some guts because I have to overcome the feeling that what I am about to do or say will be viewed as “cheesy.” Sure, my high school friends from twenty-five years ago may have given me grief for being so sappy, but aren’t I past that? In my heart of hearts, I know that validating others helps me be my best. 

Cultivating Skills that Advance Relationships

Working with my sisters has helped me learn and develop necessary leadership skills. And it’s not a coincidence that the three lessons mentioned above — not judging a book by its cover, being curious, and affirming often — are all things that leaders worth following do regularly. 

Working with my sisters has allowed me to cultivate my leadership skills while nurturing our relationships. For our business to advance, we had to have hard conversations — otherwise, the company would suffer. The same can be said of any executive leadership team…it just so happens that our leadership team members are siblings. The three of us work hard to ensure that our relationships stay healthy. 

While no sibling dynamic is ever perfect, I end this post with the renewed perspective that the three of us are in a good place. I am thankful for this reality. I am also proud of it. Praise to the Lord for guiding us to this point!