Leadership

I recently spent some time with my family out west in Montana and Wyoming. We explored places like Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons. It was one of the best family vacations we have ever taken. It was also the perfect opportunity to take stock of the year and reflect on many aspects of my life. What follows in this series of posts was born from time spent there. 

Lesson 1: I need to do less but better. 

One temptation I constantly give into is doing more. If I do enough, I feel accomplished. So I push through my natural limits to finish the tough workout when I am tired, write the blog post when I feel uninspired, and coach Little League in the spring. But instead of feeling accomplished, I often feel like a boxer holding on to the ropes, struggling to make it through the round (or, in my case, through the week). One of my go-to jokes is that I have been tired since 2011 — when Will was born — and I wear that joke like a badge of honor. 

The reality is that I do not want to live this way anymore because it is not sustainable.

But doing fewer things better is. 

This forces me to ask hard questions, starting with “What really matters?” 

For me, what matters most is: 

• Jesus: I know this may sound weird, but my relationship with Him is real and life-giving.

• Sarah: There is no human relationship that matters more. 

• Will/Ben/Sadie: I have renewed perspective on how short the time I have left with them living in our house. I will invest here.

• Work: Specifically, relationships. My executive coach has been reminding me of the importance of me building into others. Leadership is the process of doing things with and through other people. So I need to spend the majority of my work time with other people: teammates, customers, and suppliers. Work is human! 

• Everything else 

Before moving on, and in conjunction with lesson 2 (which I’ll talk about next time), I am considering changing the cadence of this blog to every-OTHER-week in 2023. I am considering the change because I want to do less but better. I want to slow down my writing process to put extra thought into what I am sharing. I believe that you, the reader, will win when I do that.

My goal with these posts is still the same: I want to reach and encourage readers on topics around life, leadership, and faith. And reaching one reader is enough; I don’t count success in a number of views, but rather in hearing feedback that a blog post encouraged someone or made them think differently about a topic. Expect me to be as real as ever in the upcoming months. I pray that something I share will positively impact you because that is the goal.

Lately, my blog posts have been deeply introspective. Today,  I will throw a curve ball, focusing on an extremely practical topic: how questions can help your team reframe its mindset. 

Recently, I sent three questions to our operation team’s leaders:

• What would more automation make possible? 
• From a human perspective, what is the best thing that has happened in your plant in the last 30 days? Feel free to brag on one of your team members!
• What excites you most about coming to work this season? 

I gave the team a few days to think about these questions before we met in person. We kicked off our meeting by discussing them. 

The first question was the only question that contained a “visionary” element to it. Our company currently has more automation projects than ever before, so the question got our leaders thinking about what I hoped they would think about: what more automation could make possible for their team members. One operation team leader shared that more automation would “allow their team to focus on more ‘life-giving’ tasks rather than mundane, repetitive activities.” In essence, this person gave voice to the “why” behind our strategy. 

The second question solicited the strongest responses from the group. One leader shared something I had not previously known: Team members in one of our plants had done some creative things to support a fellow employee who has cancer. It was the kind of story that made tears well up in the eyes of even our most reserved leaders — I was fighting back tears myself. It was touching and helped remind us of the “why” we do what we do: because everything we do matters to people. 

Finally, the last question also solicited strong responses. Some in the group related that while the previous couple of years had been hard, they appreciated the “fun” (their word) automation projects we have going on. Another person mentioned the team they lead and their generosity to someone in need. And yet another explained that they were enjoying the experience of building into one of their staffers, watching them flourish. 

As we got ready to move on to other topics, I asked the team if they felt different after discussing these questions — and all said they did. One even commented that they felt renewed to talk about the business issues of the day. 

I agreed — It was exactly what I needed as well. 

This is the power of questions. And my invitation to you is to ask good ones this week. Questions will help make your week better and your team stronger. 

One of the reasons I have curbed my social media use is because it tempts me to portray a version of myself that is not entirely accurate. Sure, it feels good to post pictures of the cool places, experiences, and events I have been blessed to partake in — but those things don’t capture the inner workings of me. At their best, they are examples of some of the fun I have been fortunate to have. At their worst, they are attempts to justify my self-worth as someone that is someone. 

If the above is too blunt, the rest of the post may be uncomfortable to read. In this post, I will attempt to uncover myself — at least as much as possible in a short blog post. In a sense, I am writing a journal entry that I’m sharing publicly through this blog. 

Why am I doing this? Because I realize that to lead others well, you must first lead yourself well. To do that, you need to understand who you really are. While there are many ways to do that — I work with an executive coach, accountability partner, and have countless conversations with my wife, Sarah, to name a few — one of the best ways is to jot down thoughts on a piece of paper. 

Leaders, before reading on, ask yourself: when was the last time you thought about why you do some of the things you do? What drives you? What is behind your pursuits? Wouldn’t uncovering these motivations help you lead yourself better? 

Getting Uncomfortable

So, without further ado, let’s get uncomfortable. 

At my worst, I carry shame. Shame is always rooted in the past. It can be things I have done or even something done to me. But it is never healthy or life-giving. Nor is shame from Jesus. It is always from the evil one. 

I used to think I was at my best when my work ethic went into overdrive. I’d get up early, work out hard, get to work, write a blog post before 10 a.m. on Monday, complete all my tasks, and fill my planner with check marks. Rinse and repeat. I’d get stuff done. 

At home, I do the same. I have a plan of attack for everything. I read more books than I can remember. I work hard. And I feel good about myself when I work hard. 

Did you read that last line? 

What’s at the core of that feeling — feeling good about myself when I work hard? 

It’s about: 

• Feeling good about myself 
• Feeling like I am enough
• Having others see my good work ethic 
• Being seen as “with it” or knowledgeable on a topic 
• Being praised

I can go on, but I will stop here. 

Grinding Through It

All this is good until it is not. I realized recently that I have been tired for about ten years. Sure, the doctor says my bloodwork is “great,” but I’ll admit that I’ve felt tired since my son Will was born in 2011. While this is a funny (and mostly true) joke, it is also a sad admission of how much I have gritted my teeth to get where I am today. 

Okay, I am exaggerating a bit. Sure, not every day of the past ten years has been of the “teeth-grinding” variety — and I’m of the firm belief that some teeth-grinding is necessary to do the hard things — but the overall point remains that I often pursue work as a way to boost my ego and eliminate negative feelings I have about myself. 

In recent years, I have found myself at my best when I relax. 

Working hard is not my problem; taking work of any kind too seriously is. 

The Present of Your Presence

I am at my best when I think less about words like “balance” and more about words like “presence.” Being fully present is more challenging than ever but more rewarding than ever. How do I achieve that presence? It isn’t by tackling 48 tasks on my to-do list and trying to simultaneously be present — presence is its own thing. 

I am at my best when I see the golf shot, feel it, and trust my ability to hit it. All mechanical thoughts — my vain human attempt to be good enough — are not present. 

I lead myself best when I see it, feel it, and trust it in everything I do. I admit that sounds idealistic and a little too “new age,” but it is the admission that all I can do is my best. And I should trust that whatever my best is will be good enough. There is no one-size-fits-all solution for leadership, fatherhood, or anything else. 

I also confess that I write a lot about golf because I have never measured up to my own expectations. I have failed. I had dreams I did not fully pursue in my youth, only to find those dreams come back and haunt me later. I write about that now because I fear making the same mistake in weightier matters. This is also why I “swing aggressively” when it is time to take the next shot! 

A Focus on Others Helps Me Lead Myself

I am broken. 

I am at my best when I realize this. I am best when I get outside myself long enough to notice others. To really see others. I am most proud of myself when I do that. 

Leadership is the process of doing things with and through other people. It was not until this post that I realized that focusing on leading others helps me lead myself. For it contains all the ingredients (other people and their interests) that help me get past myself, my shame, and my brokenness. 

It truly is more blessed to give than receive — and I know I’m at my best when I give. 

A Last Note

I may be broken, but Jesus says I am enough. There is nothing I can do to earn his love, nor is there anything I can do to lose it. There are consequences to every action, but my identity is secure. Brokenness can only persist when that identity is forgotten. Someone reading this post needed to hear that, which is why I added this last paragraph a month after writing everything above it.

I was recently reminded of the power of repetition, and how change happens suddenly over time. If the second half of that sentence does not seem to make sense, allow me to explain. 

Working in manufacturing, I make it a point to walk our production floor every day I am in the office. I want to see, know, and connect with the people who make up our team — and the only way to do that is by actually doing that, rather than giving lip service to it. I’ve learned that I simply put on my walking shoes and get moving! 

Repetition Leads to Routine

The first day that you go out and walk the shop floor, nothing will look or feel different. If you’re like me you would see people working across an injection molding facility. They would see you, with many waving or saying hello. It would be a good experience, potentially even an interesting one, but not a transformative one. You might be tempted to think it was not worth the effort. After all, you had to stop whatever it was that you were doing to go walk the production floor. 

Then the next day comes, and again, you would have a choice to make. Did yesterday matter? It probably did not feel like it did. It was nice seeing people, hearing from a few of them, but it was hardly transformational. Should you do it again? You committed to it, so out of pure commitment you do. 

You do the same the next day, and the day after that. A few weeks later, you realize that this is turning into a routine. Since it is part of your routine, you no longer have to be as intentional as you were at the beginning. It simply is part of what you do. 

Routine Leads to Transformation

At some point along the way, you’ll start to realize that the friendly nods and hellos are turning into some occasional conversations. The conversations are the best part. You begin to learn about of the challenges your teammates are facing at work, and occasionally, at home. 

Then one day, if you are like me, you realize that change has happened suddenly over time. This happens when you find yourself having one of those conversations that make the whole day worthwhile. The kind that is both meaningful and transformational. The kind that makes you feel like it was destiny. Sure, your title might be something fancy, but titles are just external descriptors of what you sort of do. Conversations like these, however, are tied to the person you are: A leader who realizes that they can only make things happen with, and through, other people. 

And this only happens through the power of repetition. The reality that each moment matters, and that each moment spent well, leads to transformational change. 

It happens suddenly, but over time. 

Many leaders I talk with have shared their frustration over one of their employees not performing as well as they could. They often refer to this problem as the problem of a difficult employee — an employee who isn’t giving them the results they want. 

Often, they place the focus on the problematic employee. The employee isn’t motivated. They are not doing what they are supposed to do. Their work is inconsistent. You get the idea. 

A Different Perspective

What if the difficult employee is not the problem? What if the problem is the leader? 

What if the leader has failed to set clear expectations of what performing well looks like? What if the leader has not regularly communicated their expectations? What if the leader has had many conversations about the difficult employee but never discussed their concerns with the employee in question? 

Blaming others is a lot like indulging in too much sugar. It tastes good going down and even leads to a short-term high, but it inevitably upsets your stomach and leaves you feeling worse. 

To be a real leader, you must own the problems you’ve helped create. And here is the reality: If you have someone on your team that you classify as a problematic employee, you have contributed to it. I’ll allow that you possibly hired the wrong person to begin with, but that is also on you. Or, more likely, there is something about your leadership that is lacking, and you are dealing with the repercussions. 

Been There, Done That

How do I know this? Because I have been there and done that. 

The Hoffer Plastics salesperson who wasn’t performing up to par was never the main problem or root cause. 

I was. 

I sometimes still am. 

How’s that for reality? 

So, where do we go from here? 

We take our medicine by owning it and changing our behavior going forward. 

On the front end, we make sure that we spend a LOT (emphasis needed) of time with potential hires. At Hoffer Plastics, I want to know that these potential teammates (not employees) are humble, hungry, and smart. This means they are team players who think about others more than themselves. They are self-starters. They also have a high emotional quotient (EQ) and know how to interact with others well. This keeps our team moving in sync and avoids inadvertently adding “difficult” folks to our team. 

Occasionally, however, “difficult” still makes it through the interview process. And that is always on me, not the person who made it through. But all is not lost. 

Clear Communication and Expectations

I believe in the power of clear communication and expectations. Sometimes tricky situations occur because communication and expectations are lacking. A Key Results Area (KRA), for example, gives a team member the blueprint for what success in their job entails. It also aligns the leader and employee to what the expectations are.  

There is no perfect way to write a KRA, but it must describe what winning looks like. If that sounds cheesy or too simplistic, then we are on to something. You do not need a Harvard MBA to be a successful leader — you need to be able to communicate clearly enough that a fifth grader can understand what winning looks like. 

Here is an example for a salesperson:

Key Result Area #1: Land new customers in the medical market 

What winning looks like: 

Winning means that we have a new relationship in our fastest-growing market. It will energize our team and bring a level of personal satisfaction for the contribution I have made. It also recognizes that my contribution is just one of many. We are one team. This will take the team working together, so winning will happen with everyone at the finish line together. 

What it will take: 

• Attendance at MD&M Medical Design & Manufacturing show
• Handwritten thank you notes to people that stop at our booth 
• One-on-one, in-person meetings with prospective customers 
• Learning how to help the customer win and guiding them elsewhere if we can’t help 
• Quick (within X hours/days) responses to questions and RFQs
• Gaining commitment when all the above aligns.

The above example clarifies what success looks like and what it will take to be successful. 

The Choice is Yours

Difficulty only arises when the team member is not doing what it takes or is doing things in a way that contradicts the company’s values. When this happens, the leader should produce the KRA and/or company values and honestly discuss them with the employee. 

Coming full circle, the point of this post is to get you to consider what you can do in your leadership to address difficult employees. You have to choose whether you want to keep eating sugar — blaming the difficult employee for everything — and feeling bad in the long run? Or do you want to take your medicine — realizing your contribution to the mess you are observing — and work to fix the problem? 

The latter is a different approach and one that leads the organization back to health. 

Last week I asked the question, “Do you love others enough to admit when you are wrong?” 

Answering this question positively helps a leader become someone worth following. It also helps them do things with and through other people, which is the process of leadership. 

This week’s question provides similar benefits if we take it seriously. It is: 

Do you love yourself enough to find out what you do not want to know about yourself? 

If this feels uncomfortable, that’s okay — it’s supposed to. And to get the most out of the answer, it makes sense to first address the second part of the question: what DON’T you want to know about yourself? 

For me, it runs the gamut:

• I don’t want to know what irritates other people at work 
• I don’t want to know my blind spots 
• I don’t want to know the specific things I say and do that annoy Sarah
• I don’t want to know what annoys my kids — especially once they become teenagers and are experts on everything! 

Do You Want Feedback or Feedback Lite?

As I read what I’ve written above, I can sense some of you saying, “Not me. I really want to know those things!”  If that’s the case, that’s great! Either you’re more mature than I am and actually want to know ALL of that, or you know that saying you want to know that stuff is the right thing to say. 

But most of us (me included) say that we want feedback, but what we mean is something more along the lines of feedback lite. In other words, “I want to know all the things that I ALREADY know about myself, and maybe one or two things other that are not too offensive. But, definitely not everything.”  

How can I tell I don’t want to hear the above items? Because I react poorly when they are unsolicitedly shared with me. Or am I the only one who doesn’t handle it well when my wife points out one of my faults on a day when I’m tired, and work was a beast? 

Seriously, am I the only one that handles that poorly? 

Getting Feedback to Get Better

If I really love myself, I want to get better. This involves hearing things about myself that I do not want to hear — even when the feedback comes when I haven’t asked for it. 

I like simple ideas, so here is one to start the process of hearing things you do not want to hear about yourself: 

• Share the topic of this post — that you need to hear things about yourself that you probably do not want to hear so that you can improve as a person. 
• Guarantee that there will be no repercussions or fallout (and stick to it!)
• Ask that they be gentle but uncomfortably honest. 
• Then ask, “How am I doing as your [fill in the blank]? What can I do better?”

Who should you ask? Here’s a list to get you started:

• Coworker 
• Boss 
• Direct report 
• Spouse (or best friend)
• Child(ren) / another family member 

These people will unlock insights about you that will help you become a better person. 

They Call it the “Painful” Truth for a Reason

Learning this about yourself may not feel good in the moment, but it is the actual loving thing to do. I say this with confidence because it will change you for the better. 

Before closing, I want to remind you that it’s crucial to analyze and interpret the feedback you receive — someone’s opinion of you is not gospel, it’s just their opinion. Listen to what they share and find the truth behind it. 

Leaning into what you do not want to hear is admittedly not fun. It is often painful. But it is also often the place where transformation begins. 

If you want what is best for yourself, seek out what you do not want to hear about yourself. You will become a better person and, by default, a better leader. 

Leadership is the process of doing things with and through other people. But how can you ensure you’re the most effective leader you can be? Over the next two weeks, I will ask you two simple questions that will require you to reflect on your leadership. 

This week’s question is:

Do you love others enough to admit when you are wrong? 

Think about it this way: when was the last time you… 

• Confessed a wrongdoing to a team member? 
• Admitted you were wrong to your spouse? 
• Told one of your children you had made a mistake?
• Apologized to a friend because of an error you made or a misunderstanding you caused? 

The Remarkableness of Owning Up to Our Mistakes

I recently browsed through social media and found a remarkable post from a politician. It read: 

The other day, I voiced my strong belief about one of the day’s prevailing issues — you can YouTube the talk to see exactly what I am referring to. Unfortunately, I used divisive rhetoric. Instead of sticking to the issue at hand, I insulted a few opposing party members. I was absolutely wrong in doing so. I apologize for this. In the future, I will stick to the issue and not criticize others personally.

Do you know who said this? 

Neither do I because I just made it up. 

Wouldn’t it be amazing if a politician did this? You might not even agree with their stance on whatever the “prevailing” issue of the day is, but you would at least respect them. More to the point, you would sense that they (actually) do care for people, rather than just giving them lip service. 

Why “Loving” Leaders Admit Fault

Let’s stop picking on politicians and personalize this: 

• Are we the kind of people that admit when we are wrong? 
• Am I the kind of person that admits when I am wrong? 

I’d like to suggest that when we are loving, we are willing to admit that we’re wrong. And here’s what I mean: Loving is an action. It says, “I care for you so much that I am going to admit that I am wrong, even when I do not feel like doing so.” 

When I’m loving, I’m driven to:

• Apologize to my executive admin when my tone is too direct — something I just did before writing this post! 
• Admit to our sales leader that my idea isn’t the best one. 
• Apologize to Sarah when I come home grumpy and bring the whole house’s energy down to my negative level. Ugh! 
• Apologize to my kids when my tone is too aggressive, when I say a bad word while watching a football game, or any other foolish thing I do. 

It May Not Be the Easy Thing, But It’s the Loving Thing

When do I feel like apologizing? 

I hate to confess this, but mostly never. 

But I do it because it is the loving thing to do. 

Do you love others enough to admit when you are wrong? 

My hunch is that our society would be better if more of us did this. 

I guarantee you will be worth following when you do. 

I can say this with confidence because I will follow your lead! 

Last week I was having quite a week. Things were not going well. And the longer I dwelled on the situation, the madder I got. My prayers that day turned into to a confessional of the thoughts I had and even the things I said. It was not healthy. 

I was desperate, so I desperately prayed. But no epiphany came — at least not immediately. I struggled to sleep, then got up, and lived another day. Rinse and repeat. 

Another day dawned — and like most mornings, I hit the gym. And as I was working out, the funniest thought came to my mind — these five words:

“Alright stop, collaborate and listen.”

If you recognize those words as the lyrical stylings of one of the 1990s most marvelously-coiffed rappers, Vanilla Ice, give yourself a bonus point! And don’t hold it against me. It was what my brain brought to me during that early-morning workout.

Believe it or not, this simple phrase hit me like a ton of bricks. 

Here’s what Rob Van Winkle —  aka Vanilla Ice — taught me about tough situations and leadership.

Stop

The first thing I needed to do was slow down to a full stop. 

Stopping allows you to gain valuable perspective. 

And I did. After stopping, I could clearly see that world was not falling. My situation was in no way pleasant — but it was also not life or death. 

Collaborate

I’ll admit that this isn’t the first time I’ve had to ask myself which is more important: being right or collaborating with my sisters on the change we were collectively experiencing? What about the rest of the team — did I value their input? Was I willing to work with them? Or was this about me? And if I didn’t get my way, would I run away and pout like a three-year-old? 

These were hard questions to ask — and would’ve been impossible to effectively answer without taking a moment to stop. But after pausing for a moment, I could easily see that my relationships mattered more than getting my way. This situation was easily resolvable. 

Listen
Ah, listening. It’s so important! After all, is there any way to collaborate other than through listening? Don’t collaboration and listening go hand in hand? Of course they do! 

I have to remind myself to be open to not just hearing other people’s positions and opinions but also to being influenced or changed by what I hear. The latter is authentic listening. 

When All Else Fails, Laugh

When all else fails, find something to laugh at. 

The notion that Vanilla Ice was teaching me about leadership made me laugh in between exercises at the gym. The thought that I could share this experience with others via my blog made me chuckle all the more. They say that laughter is the best medicine — and laughing at myself and my wacky brain that morning was the medicine I needed to get through that challenging situation. 

So I blasted my headphones (definitely not Vanilla Ice!) and finished my workout. I went to the office and connected with people throughout the day. 

My advice to you? When you find yourself facing a tough situation at work or in life, follow the wise words of Mr. Ice. Stop, collaborate and listen. And don’t forget to laugh!

I was planning on writing a totally different post — but I just found out about a big change occurring inside our business. Two of our leaders are leaving together to pursue another opportunity. 

In other words, what I thought was the plan and what the plan actually is are two different things. 

Enter Change

Change is always hard. Our “plan” was going just fine — in fact, the company had its best month ever in March! But now, things are interrupted. 

Interruption always brings change. And change is rarely fun. 

As I told my dad when we were texting last night, I have to bring positive energy to the office tomorrow morning. Writing these words on the ‘morrow morning, I don’t feel positive. So where do I go from here? 

The Feeling of Grief 

It would be easier if the two people leaving were not good at their jobs. It would be easier if they were people I did not respect or like. It would be easier, but still not easy. 

The question I find myself pondering is whether I am mad or sad? As a man, it is more socially acceptable to be the former than the latter. But honestly, I am the latter. 

Businesswise, we will be fine. And please note that by saying that, I am not knocking our two departing employees — their loss is enormous. I just serve a bigger God who has countlessly provided for our company and me, over and over again. I have faith in Him. 

Further, I realize we are all replaceable. This starts with ME. I am easily replaceable in so many respects it is not even funny. I am fallible, I get things wrong, and I know other people could do my job just as well or better than I do. I really think this — and I also think (and know!) that in Jesus’ eyes, my value is so great that even the cross was bearable. 

Both realities are true. 

So I am just sad. I am mostly sad that I won’t have the relational connection that I have had with them. Change sucks in this regard. 

Living Out the Emotion 

The next question I ask myself is what emotion am I going to live out? Is it anger? Sadness? Or something else? 

Is it love? 

If love is defined in terms of feelings, it cannot be. 

I don’t feel loving at all. 

I don’t feel hatred either. 

I don’t feel much at all. I just feel numb. 

But, I choose love. I choose the sacrificial kind of love. The kind that does not feel good to give. The kind that costs something. 

I know this might sound crazy, but last night — when I found out the second person was joining the first person to run another organization, I prayed.

I prayed that God would bless both of them. 

I prayed that their new business would experience radical success. 

I prayed that their families would be blessed by the fruits of their labor. 

I prayed that they would both flourish. 

What’s Next

I have a business to lead. Change is not fun, not what I would choose, and not what I want. 

But it is reality. 

Now I end this post with a renewed sense of purpose. My energy is positive. It will take faith, and gratitude, to keep it positive. 

As I pray regularly, I will pray to close now…

Let Your will be done, Lord. 

Even when it hurts. 

Even when I would prefer otherwise. 

Help me choose love nevertheless. 

Help me be for people and not against them. 

Even when it hurts. 

Especially when it hurts. 

Thank you that it does hurt, Lord. 

I love these people. 

I want the best for them. 

Amen. 

I’m filled with happy thoughts when I think back to my childhood. We lived in a typical 1980s neighborhood that felt more like The Wonder Years than current reality. My memories are of driveway hockey games, backyard football games, and more fun than I can fully remember. Life was good and we were blessed. 

We had two main rules in my family: first, my mom better know where I was — and second, I better be home for dinner by 5:30. Going home was never a problem because I was happy there. Don’t get me wrong, it was not perfect, just joyful. And as I find myself striving for some unattainable kind of perfection in my own home, I try to remind myself that what’s most important is creating a joyful environment. 

My mom was the one who set the joyful tone at home. As the third child, I reaped the benefit of her parenting experience. Looking back, especially at my adolescent years, I can see that my mom did three things that distinguished her from other parents and taught me vitally important lessons that apply to life and now leadership. 

Be Hospitable 

My mom realized that teenagers craved community, so she created an environment that was welcoming to all. I hosted sleepovers for various big events like the Final Four, pay-per-view boxing matches, and other sporting events. This often led to teenage boys acting out what they saw on TV in our family basement — and my mom rolled with it all! Of course, my dad reined things in from time to time (a role I see myself playing in a few short years) but my friends knew that we could push things a little more with my mom. It was fun and welcoming, and they all wanted to come back. Therefore, my social credit rose. Thanks, Mom! 

What did my mom get out of it? She knew exactly where we were and what we were doing — and also, what we were NOT doing. Well played, Mom! 

Have a Product 

Sleepovers at my house always ended with something my friends looked forward to: breakfast. After every sleepover, my mom made piles and piles of bacon. And as everyone knows, if you want to touch the heart of a teenage boy, give them lots of bacon! 

My mom was known for her bacon. Looking back, I realize (and I mean this with no disrespect) that there was nothing extraordinary about her bacon. She just delivered it time and time again, which made it special. 

How special? I am now 40 and recently traveled with my best friend, who had been at just about every one of my sleepovers back in the day. While eating breakfast at the Napa Valley Inn— including bacon — he began shaking his head. Puzzled, I look at him. He responded, “It’s still not as good as your mom’s.”

The point is that hospitality, and having a product worth coming back for, led to one last thing. 

No Judgment Conversation 

If my mom had a personal motto, it would have been, “You can tell me anything.” Maybe it was because everyone had a good time (or that they were stuffed with bacon) but my friends told my mom everything. It was literally the no-spin zone. 

In return, my mom did not judge. She most assuredly used her influence to nudge us in certain directions, but at the time, it did not feel like a lecture. It was leadership!  Even as a junior and senior in high school, I could tell my mom everything. This is probably why I learned to share what is (really) going on inside me and not hide it. I owe all that to my mom! 

When I think about my home life and the kind of leader I want to be, I think about the instructive lessons I learned from my mom. I want our home to be the place where kids want to come. I want to create a “gotta have” product — probably hamburgers! And I want my kids and their friends to feel safe enough to tell me everything. 

Similarly, at work, I want my office to be a safe place. I want my “product” to be the gift of listening. And I want others to feel secure enough to share what is on their mind. In short, I want to be like my mom.