Leadership

I have given talks to packed auditoriums. 

I have presented to Executives seated in fancy Manhattan office buildings. 

I have navigated the challenges of leading a business through COVID. 

I have even done family succession planning with my sisters. 

Yet, all these fail in comparison to the uphill climb of coaching a seven-year-old baseball team. 

Nothing is more taxing. 

You are probably accusing me of being a little over-dramatic right now, but you don’t understand the team I helped coach this fall. They knew all the levers to pull. Their behavior often had me morph into an American version of “Roy Kent.” At least I said “Oy,” and not any of the other Roy Kent’isms (and if you don’t know who Roy Kent is, you need to stop reading this post and start watching Ted Lasso. Ted will teach you how to become someone worth following). 

Back to my post.

At one of our practices… Yeah, our coach thought seven year olds would want to come to baseball practice after going to school all day. I’m sure they were little angels for their teachers, but for us? 

Oy! 

Anyhow, at one of our practices I was in charge of teaching them how to hit. The talent level on our team ranged from “I have never touched a baseball bat in my life” to “my dad has thrown me BP for the last five years.” 

Did I mention they were seven? 

So, needless to say, I was teaching them the basics. We had broken the group into smaller groups to keep them active. I (wrongly) assumed that since I was leading the hitting station, the kids would pay attention. After going through the proper setup and a few other basic techniques, each kid was given the opportunity to hit off a tee. The goal was to hit the ball straight up the middle at a box on the fence that was about 5 feet away. Naturally, the kid whose dad had been throwing him BP for five years came up first. He had a swing that took days to develop, but he made great contact everytime. This improved my confidence level. Yes, mine. Maybe I could do this I thought. Then I realized that two of the kids were chasing one another with a bat. 

Oy! 

The one thing I do not put up with is safety violations. In my years of coaching, I have yet to have a kid get hurt. Thanks be to God. 

So, after I laid the ground rules (again, I might add), I had the group back together. I tried to go all “Simon Sinek” on them by explaining “why” watching others practice hitting helped them become better. It was a stretch because they were hitting off a tee. But, I had to go with what I had. Amazingly, it worked. They even began cheering each other on as they hit. But about five minutes later, I saw two kids on the bench chatting it up. One of them happened to be MY SON. What!? That little Benedict Arnold, I thought (his name is actually Ben). Sarah’s calming voice immediately came to my head. Still, I was steaming. How could Ben be one of the kids not listening? I sternly informed Ben that he needed to pay attention. He quasi-ignored me. So, I did what all dads have done since the dawn of time, I pressed on. Ben then back-talked to me. He told me that he was bored. I told him that I did not care (always effective) and that he needed to come rejoin the team. He then basically said “no.”

Oy! 

I had all the kids looking at me now. It was as if they had put Ben up to this. It was as if they all were in cahoots to see how far they could push me. How much candy did they offer Ben, I wondered? Thankfully, Sarah’s calming voice once again filled my head. “They are only seven, Alex,” she would say. Still, I informed Ben that he had to go on a run for back-talking to me. But, I said this very calmly as I pointed to the outpost (that really wasn’t very far away) and told him to run to it and back. He then pleaded with me, but, I held my ground. 

The kid whose dad has been throwing him batting practice for five years gave me a nod of approval. So, I finally had one on my side. Ok, I made that up. But, it feels like it could have happened because that kid was a stud. He got a bunch of huge hits for us during the year. I hope to have his baseball card someday. 

Back to the story….. To Ben’s credit, he put his head down and ran. He even ran hard. He then came back and took his turn in the batter’s box. A few minutes later something happened that I was not expecting. Ben came up to me, hugged me, and told me he loved me. I told him that I loved him more than I could put into words. It was a real moment, the kind that makes me think about James Earl Jones’ famous baseball speech in the Natural. Then again, I always think about the Natural when something cool happens on a baseball field… I took this opportunity to tell Ben that my discipline was out of love and wanting the best for him. We are a family, I said, one that is respectful to those in authority. We do not back-talk. We may voice an opposing viewpoint, but we do so with respect. I also told him how proud I was of him for running hard and doing what I asked the second time. It was a real moment for us. 

While the rest of that practice certainly did not fly by, the rest of the season certainly did. Ben grew in many ways, and so did his teammates. By the end of the season, their development was shocking to all the parents, especially me. This happened in part because all four coaches — this team commanded four coaches to keep it in order!—came together and created an environment of accountability. It sounds so basic because it is. Yet, we had to continually push ourselves out of our comfort zones given the hovering nature of modern parents. To be clear, we did not want to be jerks. We just wanted to run an organized baseball team. To that end, I think we were successful. 

I share this story because it reminded me that it is my job to do the same at Hoffer Plastics. Accountability is not rocket science. It is simply honest feedback, done so without being a jerk. When given appropriately, you will gain others’ respect. 

It is also the loving thing to do. 

Our first core value at Hoffer Plastics is family, which means that we want to treat each other like family members. This value grounds my leadership in the desire of wanting the best for those that I lead. Two topics, therefore, that interest me are focus and productivity.

New York Times columnist, Jennifer Senior, recently pointed out that “COVID has created an unending series of staccato pulses of two-minute activities.” These messages range from text, email, ZOOM, to in-person meetings. Not to mention phone notifications with the latest Facebook, sports, or other news updates (turning these off is a wise first step to what I am about to discuss). All these messages are interruptions that do not help with focus or productivity. Worse, they leave most feeling bogged down, frustrated, and unhealthy. 

Harvard Business Review (HBR) wrote an article in September about the costs of cognitive switching (i.e., what happens when our attention is diverted by some kind of interruption). HBR cited Gloria Mark, Professor of Informatics, at the University of California, Irvine, that it can take “23 minutes” for someone to get back to what they were doing after an interruption of more than 60 seconds. If you are doing a chore in your house and are interrupted by your spouse, this may be a little annoying but not detrimental (in fact, I would advise take the interruption with joy!). But, in an office space? This can be downright defeating if it happens often because it often leads to wasted time. 

And in the context of the COVID business world, it happens all the time! 

Don’t believe me? 

UBER began tracking the use of tools like ZOOM and Slack when COVID began. The same HBR article mentioned above shared the findings: 

• A 40% increase in meetings 
• A 45% increase in the average number of participants of meetings 
• A greater than 3X increase in ZOOM meetings 
• Approximately 30% decrease in focus time (defined as two-plus hours per day of UNINTERRUPTED (emphasis mine) time that can be dedicated to a task or project. 

The point of sharing all the data above is to drive home the reality of what we are all, to some extent, feeling – our attention is being diverted more frequently than ever, our focus time is decreasing, and often, so is our productivity. 

So, what are we going to do about it? 

Here is a non-exhaustive list of things I am both doing personally, and advising our team members to do: 

• “Shut the blinds:” I close my office door, shut the blinds, and get focused work done. I encourage our leaders to do the same. Focused time almost always equals a better work product. 
•  I encourage creators to get out of the office. For example, I have advised our product design engineer to work from home when he is working on a design. I do not want anyone interrupting him when he is working on something that requires deep thought. 
• I challenge the “who,” which is in regard to who needs to be at the meeting. We are like most places in that we invite everyone to meetings. This is often costly. It is the leaders job to determine who should be there and who should not. 
• I am reducing standing meetings by half in terms of time. 
• I am meeting more (not less!) in person one-on-one (albeit for shorter durations). This actually saves time because it lessens text messages/calls/and emails. Clear communication (in person) is more productive than any other kind.
• I fight the urge to skip meetings because a shorter meeting reduces time for later, whereas skipping the meeting slows the pace and often comes with a negative ROI in terms of time/energy/work later. 
• I set timers on my phone for distracting technology like social media. I advise others to do the same. 
• I model the end of the workday by not responding to non-emergency emails around the clock. I have discovered that this lessens the amount of time others need to spend replying to me. 
• I also model the Sabbath (both weekly and on vacation) by not responding to messages all the time. It is my job to model the behavior of rest. 
• I have communicated that on vacation people should call me for an emergency, text me for something I should probably know but is not an emergency, and email me if it is an FYI. All other messages can wait. And no email sent is expected to get a reply. 
• I model this last behavior back. I have yet to call a single person while they have been on vacation.  
• I celebrate our team’s vacations. I wish them well, and remind them NOT to be on email. My motives are mostly pure, but I also realize if their spouse hates our business because we always nag them during non-work hours, the respective team member might leave. Actually, they probably should. 

While this list is not exhaustive, it is a sampling of actions leaders can take to model, and encourage, focus in the workplace. 

Your job now is to create, model, and share your own so that your team increases focus and productivity. 

We have grown accustom to seeing persuasion depicted loudly on television and movies: the lawyer forcefully making their final arguments in front of the jury. The Marvel hero rallying their team against the evil enemy. Or, the football coach giving the impassioned speech just prior to the big game. All these depictions are powerful, inspirational, and motivational. 

But, what if they give a false picture of the power of tone in persuasion? Is a louder tone, even a more confident louder tone, more persuasive? 

This question went through my mind recently while reading Dr. Vanessa Bohns’ article outlining her research on persuasion in the Wall Street Journal. Her study uncovered that people often shout because they lack confidence in their ability to influence others. I will quote Dr. Bohns at length: 

“Overcompensating for lack of confidence in our proficiency as influencers leads us to use overly assertive language, which is actually an ineffective tool for persuasion. We shout because we don’t think people will listen to us otherwise. As a result, we are overly assertive when trying to get our message out there, despite the fact that our arguments, advice and appeals would actually be more effective if we made them a little gentler.” 

Did you catch that last line? Despite the way arguments, and to a certain extent, dramatic speeches are portrayed, research indicates that “advice and appeals would actually be more effective if we made them a little gentler.” This is counterintuitive to our fight or flight. It is also takes more confidence in our ideas to cultivate a spirit of gentleness. 

Think about it: Who is more confident in their ideas, the politician shouting, or the one that softly explains their ideas? Does the latter even exist anymore? 

Or, let’s make this more personal. When are you more confident in your own ideas? Is it when you are shouting or, is it when you can gently articulate them? 

The truth about me is that I often attempt to cover up my own insecurities through loud thoughts. My worse moments as a leader have been when I have raised my voice in a meeting to make a point. I suppose there might be a time or place for it, but it is rare. Research seems to indicate that it is ineffective in terms of persuasion. 

I have discovered that to be someone worth following, I do not to need to cover up my inadequacies. In fact, letting them be displayed ironically makes me someone worth following. I have also discovered that I do not need to shout to make a point. 

The world is filled with loud people that no one wants to follow. You do not need to be one of them and neither do I. You do, however, need to be true. I suppose the word for this is really authentic, but that feels like it gets thrown out too frequently to mean what it used to mean. By true, I mean you have to be real. You have to be genuine. You have to talk like you normally talk. 

By being real, you can be gentle because you do not have to have all the answers. Not having all the answers means that you can have a conversation rather than a shouting match. This does not give you a pass from speaking boldly and clearly. It just means that you do so with a gentle tone. The “what” part of the message may even be the same, it is just delivered differently.  

By keeping a softer tone you still stay open to feedback because you are speaking soft enough to still listen, and comprehend, the other vantage point. This will make you a better leader and a better person. 

For persuasive gentleness is not some gimmick to be used to persuade others. Rather, it is a trait of a decent, confident, human being. A trait this world is missing. So, try and adopt it and become a human being others will follow and respect. 

One of our team members approached me as I was walking our production floor the other day. They asked to talk and I could tell they had a concern. We had just reimplemented face masks, and they were very concerned that the company had made the decision to go through with hosting our outside BBQ a week later. I clarified that our Executive Team had discussed cancelling the event, but we were instead going to spread out both eating times and eating stations. We were also going to mandate that masks stayed on while people were in lines.  We were also giving people the opportunity to eat privately at their designated work stations if they chose. This eased this person’s concern somewhat, but they mumbled something about the risk as they walked away.

No less than ten minutes later, I was followed into my office by another team member. I could tell this person also wanted to talk. I braced for what this conversation would be, but to my surprise, this person wanted to comment on a recent memo I had sent out regarding our hourly pay increases. They told me how proud they were that they worked here, and how much they felt we valued people. 

This ten minute span is leadership in 2021, an environment where you can feel like a bad leader, and good leader, all in a matter of minutes. 

There are lessons to be learned from these two exchanges. 

First, no decision is going to please everyone. This was true pre-2020, but it is increasingly true post-2020. Our culture used to “agree to disagree,” but now people do not just disagree, they are morally offended. 

Second, leaders need to be careful basing their views on themselves from what others think about them. Neither view above is entirely correct, but I can learn from both. The first teaches me that we should be more careful in communicating both what we are doing, and why we are doing it—at Hoffer Plastics, we believe that we need time together in a social setting and that when safely conducted, it is worth the risk. The latter teaches me to continue to err on the side of people and passionately communicate that belief. 

Third, both these conversations teach that especially in this season, leaders main duty is to be lightning rods. We need to absorb the strikes (opinions, feelings, perspectives). We need to listen to them, consider them, and fully understand them. Both team members above meant well. The temptation is only to absorb the second one because it is sugary and goes down smoothly. But, the former one is good medicine too. Their opinion is just as valuable as the second one. It may be that our society is more noisy right now because most feel unheard by leaders. Or, instead of being lightning rods, our leaders have often been the ones doing the striking. 

I will continue to repeat this mantra over and over: To be someone worth following, you have to be willing to do the hard things. While neither conversation above was necessarily hard, I could have easily been overly offended by the first one. I was not this time. 

But, there are times when I am. 

It is in those times that I have to remind myself that a leader is a lightning rod. I have to listen, consider, and fully understand what is being said to me. 

I have to absorb it. 

In the old days, people said leaders had to have “thick skin.” 

This is what they meant. 

So, let’s be the kind of leaders that absorb the strike, rather than dishing it out. 

In order to be someone others want to follow, you have to do a good job leading yourself first. If you are not growing, if you are not learning, if you are not attempting to get better, then you are not worth following. 

There are many ways to reflect as a leader. I utilize Michael Hyatt’s Full Focus Planner and allot time every Friday morning to reflect on the week and plan the next week. At the start of each year, I create a Key Results Area (KRA) for myself and the team. It plainly communicates the priorities for the upcoming year. I then revisit, and update, them several times throughout the year based on new intel and priorities. Finally, I also set quarterly goals in my planner that outline the initiatives for the next 90 days. Some of them extend longer, even a year out. 

The point of these exercises is intentionality. I want to go in a given direction. But, just going in a given direction is not good enough. Reflection is like stopping at a rest stop on the highway, assessing how far you have come, and determining whether you are going in the right direction. Failing to do this may mean that you end up in Paris, Illinois, and not Paris, France!  

So far, most people reading probably are nodding in agreement. Most leaders, I have discovered, know that reflection is important. Further, they know that they need to lead themselves first and that they have to be intentional in doing so.

But, most leaders do not do the things that they know they should do. This is not a judgment statement, but a statement of reality. For, we live in a world more demanding of our time than arguably, any other time in human history. Therefore, we need to resist the urge to gravitate to the to-do list, stop, FULL STOP, and reflect. It is admittedly painful, yet profoundly transforming. 

The best things in life are this way. 

So, with the time remaining in this post, I am going to share the journal entry I created during a recent reflection time. I am doing so in hopes to inspire you to actually do what you know you should do. 

I should preface that the journal entry below comes from my prayer journal. Sarah and I want to be intentional about who, and what, we pray for. So, we both keep a list in a beautifully crafted journal that Sarah (not me!) created. While the notion of prayer might turn some off, take a chill pill as I am not trying to proselytize here. Rather, it bears repeating, I am demonstrating how reflection works: 

July 29, 2021 

As I wrap up another month in a very stressful 2021, I am overlooking the grounds at Saint Charles Country Club. Earlier this morning, I was able to be on the golf course with Will and Ben, and I witnessed Ben draining a 20 foot putt on the last hole, jumping up and down, and running around the green. He ended up winning the event by a single shot. Him winning a 7 year old golf “tournament” is hardly a life moment, but being here to see his joy was. Wow. Before going further, I am grateful for the flexibility my job offers. While I was not at any of the other weekday Junior Golf events this year, I was here today. Life’s best moments happen when I show up! 

Here are 3 lessons I feel like I have learned over the last month or so.

1)God blesses relational reconnection prayers. I have prayed for relationships to be restored this year with a few specific people. One person was someone that used to work at Hoffer Plastics and that relationship has been restored. So while God says “no” to some prayer requests, He seems to relish saying “yes” to ones where relationships are restored. And what joy restoration brings! 

2)Rest/Fatigue/Anxiety is a constant battle. I own that 2021 has been more stressful than 2020. And that statement is both shocking and amazing…I have discovered that the sweet spot is being other’s focused. My tendency this year is to analyze within. This makes me more tired, more anxious, and more stressed. Yet, this is what I turn to far too often. Jesus said that I should “love my brother as myself.” Amazingly, my life is often freed of stress when I actually (key word) do this. It is countercultural to the world’s way. It is also life giving.

3)The most impactful things in life tend to be the things that are met with the most resistance. For example, filling out this prayer journal, reflection, daily silence, prayer, scripture memorization, and talking only positively about others. I find the same to be true in leadership: having the honest conversation, standing up for what is right, and going the extra mile for a customer. Yet, these are the things that matter in the long run. 

If this month has taught me anything it is that summer is short and so is life. I mourn the loss around me, share in the grief of our friends, and yet remain thankful for family, faith, and a Savior that loves me unconditionally. 

Leadership is the art of doing things with, and through, other people. Leaders are, after all, those others want to follow. To this end, leadership rises and falls through the process of working well with other human beings. 

Leaders, therefore, need to take intentional steps to connect with others they work with. This is more than “management by walking around,” because the aim is first to connect with those you lead. In fact, what I am about to share stretches your leadership muscles more than “management by walking around” because it forces you to use both your brain and your heart. 

While the list that follows was created from my experiences walking the production floor at Hoffer Plastics, the lessons are applicable to non-manufacturing jobs. In fact, they are transferable to any lines of work involving human beings.

Here are five things I aim to do when walking the floor at our company:

I aim to connect: 

This is stating the obvious, but the point of connecting is to actually connect. In practice, this means that I stop, look people in their eyes, and work to gain connection. Connection is putting to action the idea that the future of work is human. While I naturally have closer relationships with some people on our team, I always try to make eye contact, wave, and smile. I sometimes forget to smile because I am naturally serious, so I have to remember to do this! 

I aim to listen:  

A few weeks ago, one of our longest tenured team members pulled me aside to talk. After a few minutes listening to them, I heard pain in their voice. So, I asked, “how are you REALLY doing?” They then recounted about thirty minutes worth of pain (to keep them anonymous, I will leave it at that). I sat and listened. This does not make me a saint because I often rush these connections. But, I walked away believing that listening to this person was the most important thing I did all day. 

I aim to observe: 

I want to see what it is working on our production floor and what is not. That sounds a lot like “managing by walking around,” but there is a huge difference. The difference is that I want to observe with my own eyes what is working, and in some cases what is not working, for those on the floor. This is different than the stereotypical executive sitting at the conference table and making uninformed statements. Observation is curiosity in motion. It is an attempt to understand what you have already been told. Observation also uncovers what you are not being told.

I aim to understand: 

There are times when I still don’t really get what is going on. Why, for example, are there plastics parts on the floor next to the same press in the same Plant day after day? Instead of making a judgement, I aim to understand by circling back with the people closest to the problem. Having already formed a connection with them, I am free to ask them questions. But it bears repeating, the goal is still human connection! Therefore, it is vital not to ask questions in an accusatory tone. Rather, seek to simply understand and help. Yes, help! 

Finally, I aim to encourage: 

This starts with pointing out when someone is doing something awesome. I have also discovered that a genuine thank you goes a long way. There is a team member in one of our Plants that has worked with us for over 50 years! She always has a word that is encouraging to me and over the years I have developed a close enough relationship with her to be able to speak a blessing to her. She is the saint. If I am telling the whole truth, seeing her on the floor and connecting with her, has done more for my soul during the last 18 months than I can probably describe here. Her example has led me, and inspired me, to be more encouraging to others. 

Encouragement breeds more encouragement. Wouldn’t our society be better off with more of that right now? I know our workplace would.  We live in a world that is dividing more and more along cultural and political lines. What if we used work to unite, rather than divide? What if we connected with those that we work with? 

What if, like my grandfather, we had five hours worth of people willing to wait in line to pay their final respects because we connected, listened, observed, understood, and encouraged? 

Let us be the someone who genuinely cares for those around us. 

Let us be someone worth following. 

Let us be like my friend that always has a positive word of encouragement. 

I spent the last few days with friends who have gone through the unthinkable last year. Their seven year old daughter fought cancer valiantly, but she passed away last November. They were back in the area for the first time this past weekend, and Sarah and I were able to spend two nights with them. The conversations were deep, raw, and emotional. They reminded me of three things leaders need to do when helping others in their grief. 

Show up. For the sake of this blog, I would say that people worth following show up. But, in the case of the above, it is more than that. Genuine love is showing up. Sarah reminds me often that we want to be the type of people that show up. What she means is that people not only notice when you show up, but they also feel your presence when you do. Showing up takes more intentionality than liking an Instagram post. It certainly does not solve everything. Perhaps, it solves nothing at all. But, it physically demonstrates care in an era being defined by distance. 

Second, listen more than you talk. Sarah advised me of this before our friends came over Saturday night. It was wise counsel. They are hurting, unimaginably hurting. So, we aimed to listen. We gave them space to vent, to ask questions, and process. We tried not to interrupt, lecture, or counsel. The point here is that people experiencing grief need a sounding board. Wise counsel comes later when they are ready to hear it.  

Speak commitment. One of the things I did tell our friends was that we were going to walk through this valley with them for as long as it takes. I said this with words because they needed to audibly hear our commitment to them. Don’t assume it is known. Say it. Commit to it. Make the words felt. They told us that they felt others were rushing their grief. Grief, however, is not a Starbucks order. It cannot be rushed. It takes time. I told them that six decades from now I am willing to sit on the back porch with them, assuming I still can, and mourn. I wanted them to know there was no timetable. Sarah and I are in this for the long haul, however that looks. 

To their wise admission, it will look different down the road. But, they will never get over this. Nor, will we. Therefore, we are committed to them, however that commitment looks. I said all these things so they heard it, felt it, and knew where we stood. I repeat this on purpose because some of the biggest regrets in my life stem from not voicing commitment audibly.  

Then, when they got up to leave, we hugged and told each other we loved one another. 

It was real life. 

Nothing left to the imagination. 

No filters. 

Nothing fake. 

Let these ideas sink in: show up, listen, and speak commitment. They are not intended to be the exhaustive “how to” list of entering the depths of grief. But, they are a starting point. 

As someone leading a business in 2021, here is what I know. While your team hopefully is not dealing with pediatric cancer, they are dealing with some kind of grief. Grief these days is almost unavoidable. Like the morning dew in the summer, it is like a thin layer that is always present when you turn on the news or run into your friend at the store. Or, in the case of my friends, it can be as thick as the clouds present in a category 5 hurricane.

This part of life comes with every person walking into our business. The same goes with yours. So, in the midst of all our important organizational initiatives, let’s take stock of this reality. Let’s be people that show up, listen, and speak commitment.

I am often asked how it is to lead Hoffer Plastics with my two sisters. My response is that while our relationships are healthy, there are challenges. I then often ask back, “how would running a business be with your sibling or siblings?” This often gets an awkward chuckle. 

Leading the business with my siblings has given me the opportunity to learn, and practice, healthy relationship skills. This starts with learning to navigate difficult conversations with each sibling. To date, the three of us have succession planned, navigated COVID, and dealt with almost every issue in-between. While our relationships are not perfect, nor is perfection attainable, I can say that our relationships are deeper today than when we started working here. Further, we have vacationed and done many holidays together. 

Having relational skills, however, is only half the battle. The other half is intentionally engaging. To that end, we made a pact to meet weekly this year so that we prioritize time to connect. Otherwise, it is too easy to go on auto-pilot and only connect when it is absolutely necessary. This runs the risk of issues getting buried and possibly grudges being formed. 

So, with what is left in this post, I am going to share the format we use when we meet weekly. You probably do not work with siblings, but this format can still be used with other leaders that you work closely with. As the format we use indicates, the point is to intentionally connect. 

Weekly Meeting (my explanation in parentheses): 

Goal: To maintain strong, loving, family relationships while becoming better leaders. 

Rules: 

1. Consistency trumps duration  
2. Phones on airplane mode. 
3. Longer explorations of specific topics reserved for other meeting. 
4. Stick to the agenda below

Part 1: 15 minutes (5 per person): The Personal Side 

(As siblings, we have learned to start with the personal side because our family relationship takes priority over our working relationship). 

1. What support do I need from the other members personally? 
2. Is there anything the other two should know about my family situation this week (between us there are 7 kids with ages ranging from 15 to 5. Further, life always comes with everyone to work which is why it is important to get any personal issues on the table. Obviously, this will look different if the meeting was between non-family members. Still, I would recommend that those relationships aim for mutual support). 
3. Accountability: This week I was in the Bible _____ days. (Our faith is paramount, so, we use this meeting for spiritual accountability as well). 

Part 2: 15 Minutes (5 per person): The Business Side

(My temptation is to always start here. But, the personal side is critical. People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care!)

1. What is the biggest challenge with my direct reports, if any? (This question leads to an overview of what is going on. Most weeks there is not a major issue to discuss). 
2. What am I doing about this issue? (We aim to be accountable, not people that blame others). 
3. Optional: Something I would like feedback on is ________? (When used, this question leads to good information about your own leadership). 

Part 3: Wrap Up 

1. Based on what has been shared, is there any action the group needs to take (i.e., schedule a meeting to discuss a topic in greater detail)? 
2. Are there any other questions needed for clarity? 

Part 4: Prayer 

(I close the time praying for our business, customers, and suppliers. This may not be for everyone, but it is for us). 

Leaders can customize the agenda to fit the needs of their team. The point is to take action and be intentional about your personal and working relationships. 

Doing so won’t necessarily be easy, but, as I have learned, growth happens when you do what is uncomfortable in the moment! 

When was the last time you felt prompted to say something to someone and for one reason or another you did not? This could be something large or small. It could be a problem you see in the relationship, or some help you need from this person. Whatever it is, there is enough behind it that you are tempted not to say anything because saying something could, at the minimum, bring tension. Not handled correctly, the tension could lead to an outright conflict, which is why you are tempted not to say anything at all. 

As someone who has struggled with the above scenario, here is what I have learned: There is a tax to silence. 

First, there is a tax to living with this scenario in your head. As I have said countless times before on this blog, until we get whatever is in our head out, either written in a journal, shared with a friend, or addressed with the person we have the issue with, we will not live in peace. This reality is true, but it is not the point of this particular post. 

The point of this post is the second point. The longer we allow the issue to fester, the greater the chances are that we blow. “Blowing up,” as Patrick Lencioni teaches on his “At the Table” podcast, can make us a capital “J” Jerk. Conversely, handling these moments as they come up might make us a jerk, but only the little “j” kind. (I would highly recommend episode 83 of “At the Table” as it shaped my thinking on this post. 

To drive the point of this post home, that the tax on silence can be becoming a big “J” jerk. I am going to rip the band-aid off of my own scars to show how this happens. Here is an example from my past that I am embarrassed about: 

One example that comes to mind is a blow up I had with an old girlfriend. I start here because “blow ups” in dating relationships are depicted frequently on television and relatable to real life. Most have experienced some kind of argument in a dating relationship. 

I was in my early twenties at the time, and had believed that she was the “one.” We had previously dated in high school and had rekindled that relationship after re-meeting at a bar in Chicago. It had all the makings, but, it just was not meant to be. I am sure she would agree in retrospect, but there were a lot of little differences in our personalities that we did not address. For one reason or another we never got around to addressing them either. That is, until one night, with the aid of a couple of adult beverages, I blew. It was a relatively short eruption, but I was harsh. A couple weeks later we were through and the occurrence was not the best look for me. I learned that I should have had several conversations prior to that eruption. That would have been the right thing to do. 

As the years have gone by, I notice the tax of silence showing up just about everywhere, but especially in the workplace. I write blogs about leadership, but that does not mean I don’t succumb to the tax of silence here. I may not blow up at people like I did in my early twenties, but I can do something that is perhaps even worse: make passive aggressive sarcastic comments. 

Here are some examples: 

-A project is late all the time, so instead of challenging why it is late, I make a snarky comment that shows my displeasure, but does not address the problem. Worse, I do this publicly, rather than privately.  

-A person comes in late all the time, so I poke fun at their tardiness rather than talking with them directly. 

-I walk the production floor and find part containment and cleanliness that is not up to par. Rather than having one-on-one conversations, I default to sarcasm to others about how bad things look.  

None of these behaviors addresses the real problem. In fact, all increase the danger of the tax of silence coming due for payment. 

As I wrap up, I hope you get the point that you are better off addressing issues in the moment. It is the kind, even loving, thing to do. We are tempted not to do it out of protection of our self. Ironically, addressing issues in the moment is both the uncomfortable thing to do and the most protective thing to do for YOURSELF and others. 

The tax paid to conversation is less than the tax paid to silence. In fact, there is often no tax at all.  

I am nudging myself in the direction of having more conversations. I say nudging because it is hard. The easy thing to do these days is to avoid having difficult conversations and default to passive aggressive behavior, like venting on social media. 

Direct conversations, however, take intention and effort. We must persist in doing this kind of work. So, let’s be the kind of people that love others and ourselves, enough to talk about issues as they come up. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking about accountability lately. Holding others accountable is not something that comes easy for me. I have often struggled with the desire for the approval of others. So, it can be difficult to give people the kind of feedback necessary to hold them accountable. That said, holding others accountable is the loving thing to do. In essence, it says that you love them so much, you are going to help them get better. Realizing this truth has been helpful because the last thing I want to be is unloving, yet, that is what I become when I stay silent. 

Holding others accountable is one of the main reasons we follow leaders. I have always known this to be true because a leader does the things that are hard, and the things that most other people do not do. But, what I have come to realize is that this is only partially true. What I mean is that people are much more inclined to follow leaders who hold them accountable. I have found that people are willing to jump through hoops for the few leaders that nurture accountability in an uplifting  way. Here are some examples to illustrate what I mean. To differentiate, I will refer to the kind of leader that uplifts others as the “indispensable leader” for the remainder of this post. 

First, the indispensable leader holds others accountable in private, not in public. While this is obvious, it is absolutely critical. While some public accountability around the “what” is unavoidable (public metrics like sales figures, operational metrics, etc.), no public accountability around the “how” should ever happen. By the “how” I am referring to the activities the individual person engages in to perform their task. All discussions about the “how” should take place privately so the individual is not embarrassed publicly. 

Second, the indispensable leader encourages more than criticizes. There has been a lot written on the 5:1 ratio, or 5 messages of encouragement for every 1 message of critique. I have found that I am at my best when I do this at home, work, and everywhere else. Admittedly, it is easy when performance slips (mine or others) for me to be overly critical. I am a terrible leader when I do this.

Third, the indispensable leader processes an accountability issue with the person they are holding accountable. This sounds obvious because it is, yet I have succumb to the temptation of processing an issue with others in the past, so I note it here. While I continue to be a firm believer in perspective gathering because I often have the wrong view of a situation, it is important to keep this to a minimum within the organization. If it is absolutely necessary, be sure to process an issue with someone of equal organizational status or a superior. Secondly, make sure that you recount the situation in such a way that you would not be embarrassed if every word got back to the person not present. 

Finally, the indispensable leader is indispensable because they persist. I use the word persist intentionally because I have discovered that holding others accountable is not a one time event. The older I get, the more I realize how long change takes in myself and others. The only way this happens is through persistence. 

I turn 40 in the weeks to come, so I am doing a lot of reflection on my personal leadership as well as many other topics. If you come back to this blog you will probably notice a lot more reflections in the posts to come. I make mention here, however, because holding others accountable is an area I need to grow in, especially as it relates to peers and siblings working in the business. I am being ruthlessly honest here because the biggest takeaway for me has been learning that I am actually unloving when I am not holding others accountable. 

Said differently, the deepest longing of my heart is to be loved by God and loved by others. Therefore, it can be said that I desire being held accountable by others as well. To that end, may all our team members reading this post hear the invitation to my office when I need to be held accountable. Please tell me. And, please remember the 5:1 ratio when you are giving me the feedback I need to hear. 

I will do likewise. 

Let us be an organization where iron sharpens iron.