Leadership

I have been doing a lot of thinking about accountability lately. Holding others accountable is not something that comes easy for me. I have often struggled with the desire for the approval of others. So, it can be difficult to give people the kind of feedback necessary to hold them accountable. That said, holding others accountable is the loving thing to do. In essence, it says that you love them so much, you are going to help them get better. Realizing this truth has been helpful because the last thing I want to be is unloving, yet, that is what I become when I stay silent. 

Holding others accountable is one of the main reasons we follow leaders. I have always known this to be true because a leader does the things that are hard, and the things that most other people do not do. But, what I have come to realize is that this is only partially true. What I mean is that people are much more inclined to follow leaders who hold them accountable. I have found that people are willing to jump through hoops for the few leaders that nurture accountability in an uplifting  way. Here are some examples to illustrate what I mean. To differentiate, I will refer to the kind of leader that uplifts others as the “indispensable leader” for the remainder of this post. 

First, the indispensable leader holds others accountable in private, not in public. While this is obvious, it is absolutely critical. While some public accountability around the “what” is unavoidable (public metrics like sales figures, operational metrics, etc.), no public accountability around the “how” should ever happen. By the “how” I am referring to the activities the individual person engages in to perform their task. All discussions about the “how” should take place privately so the individual is not embarrassed publicly. 

Second, the indispensable leader encourages more than criticizes. There has been a lot written on the 5:1 ratio, or 5 messages of encouragement for every 1 message of critique. I have found that I am at my best when I do this at home, work, and everywhere else. Admittedly, it is easy when performance slips (mine or others) for me to be overly critical. I am a terrible leader when I do this.

Third, the indispensable leader processes an accountability issue with the person they are holding accountable. This sounds obvious because it is, yet I have succumb to the temptation of processing an issue with others in the past, so I note it here. While I continue to be a firm believer in perspective gathering because I often have the wrong view of a situation, it is important to keep this to a minimum within the organization. If it is absolutely necessary, be sure to process an issue with someone of equal organizational status or a superior. Secondly, make sure that you recount the situation in such a way that you would not be embarrassed if every word got back to the person not present. 

Finally, the indispensable leader is indispensable because they persist. I use the word persist intentionally because I have discovered that holding others accountable is not a one time event. The older I get, the more I realize how long change takes in myself and others. The only way this happens is through persistence. 

I turn 40 in the weeks to come, so I am doing a lot of reflection on my personal leadership as well as many other topics. If you come back to this blog you will probably notice a lot more reflections in the posts to come. I make mention here, however, because holding others accountable is an area I need to grow in, especially as it relates to peers and siblings working in the business. I am being ruthlessly honest here because the biggest takeaway for me has been learning that I am actually unloving when I am not holding others accountable. 

Said differently, the deepest longing of my heart is to be loved by God and loved by others. Therefore, it can be said that I desire being held accountable by others as well. To that end, may all our team members reading this post hear the invitation to my office when I need to be held accountable. Please tell me. And, please remember the 5:1 ratio when you are giving me the feedback I need to hear. 

I will do likewise. 

Let us be an organization where iron sharpens iron. 

What is the highest and best use of your time? I believe that if you are a leader, the answer is building into other people. While there are multiple ways to do this, this post will focus on the one-on-one meeting because it is the most impactful. 

If you get promoted enough, you will get to a position in your organization where it is no longer clear exactly what you should do. While this sounds ludicrous on the surface, the reason that it is so is because you are technically somewhat in charge of a lot, while being fully responsible for little of the day-to-day activities.  

To illustrate what I mean I will share my personal experience. When I became Chief Revenue Officer, my role suddenly oversaw the areas of Sales, Customer Service, Operations, Automation, Engineering, and Maintenance. This encompasses a lot, so it was difficult to prioritize where I should spend my time on any given day. With the guidance of my coach, however, I changed my thinking from “what” I should do, to “whom” I should build into. In short, I began setting up one-on-one meetings with key people in all these areas because that was the best use of my time. 

First, I began meeting regularly with our Director of Manufacturing and the Director of Engineering. Much of the above falls under their areas, so, these meetings happen on a weekly basis. The purpose of the meeting is so they can discuss challenges as well as provide an overview of what they are working on.  This also gives me an opportunity to provide feedback as well as coach and encourage them. 

As I have told them repeatedly, this time is a reserved space for communication, not a performance review. What I mean is that it is a relaxed atmosphere. In fact, while there are usually serious conversations being had, there is also a lot of laughter. We are collectively doing hard work and having fun while doing it. These two leaders also have a great relationship, so the two meetings usually involve some overlap with the appropriate amount of good-natured trash-talking between the three of us. This latter part is more bonding than serious, and quite frankly an hour I look forward to every week.  

Our Executive Vice President is also currently overseeing our Sales team. He is constantly on the go, so our conversations are more ad hoc than scheduled. Having said that, however, we also schedule extended time to make sure that we have alignment. This relationship has been extremely beneficial to me over the years as this person was once my boss. Simply put, I would not be where I am today without his help and support. So, this is another relationship where I never regret investing time. 

Outside of our Directors, and sticking solely to one-on-one meetings, there are two other segments of people that I think leaders should meet with regularly.  

First, leaders should meet with the emerging leaders. For example, I meet monthly with two of our Sales team members to hear what they are working on, clear up any questions they have, and most importantly, get to know them better. This is another time that I absolutely love because they are both driven to become better. They also have great insight about our organization and many fresh, new ideas. They always leave me more energized than I was before our time together. 

Before moving on, a necessary reminder for leaders with around-the-clock production is not to forget emerging leaders on off-hour shifts. For example, I recently began meeting with one of our team members from the midnight to 8 a.m. shift. Not only has this person given some tremendous insight about what is happening on our production floor, but he also has reminded me of the untapped talent we have here while I am typically at home sleeping. 

Finally, the last group I think leaders should intentionally meet with is harder to label. Put bluntly, this group of people may not be present at every organization, although I suspect they are. What I am referring to is the select group of people with positional authority on one hand, but probably not a long list of followers on the other. 

In short, they are isolated. You might even hear others complain about the area they lead, but few are spending time with them. So, if you want to be someone worth following, you need to be the one to invest the time in them. That is what leaders do. 

There are two individuals on our team that probably fit into this category. One is brand new to the company, and a complete extrovert. The other has been here a few years and his job is both important and complicated. To that end, I have heard others questioned what each of them does. So, putting myself in both of these people’s shoes, I thought the wise thing to do would be to reach out and setup a monthly catch-up meeting. In the invite I emphasized that there was no ulterior motive, I just wanted to create a better relationship with them, hear what challenges they were facing, and see how I could help them. 

Both immediately accepted. 

To wrap, here is what I know to be true about leadership: 

Leaders are worth following because they spend their time building in to other human beings. This is not some gimmick. In fact, the fakers can be spotted a mile away. Rather, this is heart-felt. It is genuine. It errs on the side of being human. 

The magic happens when people are encouraged. 

The magic happens when people grow and take on more responsibility. 

The magic happens when the organization gains new ground. 

If leadership is doing things with and through other people, it begins with the process of building into other people. 

Once those seeds are planted, the world should watch out! 

Because the magic will happen. 

This post is a reminder to the leader who cares about those they serve. 

The person exhibiting authority and assertiveness might be doing so because they have a low level of control at home. 

The person talking about the office, even people inside the office, as if they are somehow above the fray, might be looking for a place where their opinion matters. 

The person going around the office telling everyone how great they are might have been verbally abused for years. 

The person with strong opinions about particular issues of the day might have experienced a great hurt in their past. 

The person that seems emotionally distant, always tired, and not as engaged as they used to be, might have a child needing extra help and support. 

The person that is quiet might simply be alone.

The person that says the inappropriate joke might simply need a real friend. 

The person that makes work seem like “life or death,” might be doing so because other areas of their life lack the meaning they hoped for. 

Work is human. 

While I do not claim that all work conflict stems from the “mights” listed above, a leader has to remember that those they lead bring everything with them to work. 

Everything. 

There is no such thing as work-life balance. 

There is, and should be, limits to work. 

There is not, nor should be, limits to being human. 

Therefore, the whole person comes to work. 

As leaders, then, we need to see the person behind the worker. 

We need to be curious, without being over-bearing or unnecessarily getting into their business. 

We need to ask questions when the door is open. 

We need to listen, rather than to counsel. 

And most of all, we need to care. 

Not all problems at work originate from what we bring to work. Further, work conflict can be very healthy to both the organization, and the individual, when it is constructive. 

But, disclaimers aside, this post is a reminder that work is human. 

The problems we see at work are often not the problems. 

They are a window into the soul of the worker and into the brokenness of the human condition that we all share. 

Let’s see the human. 

Let’s care for the soul. 

Let’s affirm the person. 

That is what leaders do. 

It has been said that leadership is the art of doing things with, and through, other people. The idea of a solo entrepreneur is a misnomer because others are always needed for movement to occur. The other person is often someone inside the organization, so developing people within the organization is vital. 

Given this reality, leaders often talk about the process of delegation. It is, given what I just outlined above, necessary. But, the word “delegation” can have a negative connotation. 

At one point in my life, for example, I was the person on the receiving end of someone else’s delegation. In various “intern” roles, this did not feel good. Over the course of a few summers, I did everything from making copies to completing useless Excel spreadsheets that made absolutely no sense to me. 

Delegation at its worse feels like this, an unexplained task dump. But, even at its best, when the task delegated is meaningful and explained, it leaves something to be desired. What if something more than the task was delegated? What if the leader delegated both the task and the authority to make it happen? What if they empowered the individual to act on behalf of the organization? 

Here is a brief example to help illustrate what I am getting at:

Delegation: Sales Leader asks Salesperson to fix pricing issue with Customer A. The Sales Leader defines what the goal is and then delegates the process of creating a strategy to the Salesperson. The Salesperson then asks for feedback regarding the strategy, makes adjustments, presents it to the customer, and then reports back to the Sales Leader.

Empowerment: Sales Leader asks Salesperson to fix pricing issue with Customer A. The Sales Leader then asks for action, promises support, but leaves all creation of the “how” to the Salesperson. This sounds similar, but with one major difference: the Salesperson has been empowered to define the goal. They are “empowered” to make the call, one way or another. In sports terms, they are now calling the plays as opposed to just “running the offense” dictated to them. 

In the delegation scenario, the Salesperson needs a lot of hand-holding to get what they need done. Significantly less help is needed in the empowerment example, unless it is asked for. The key for the leader is to still check-in routinely. But, the goal is not to dictate the outcome. Rather, the goal is to offer support.

Before moving on, if any part of you (the leader) is hesitant to give this kind of authority to a team member, I would ask you to consider whether you have the right team member to begin with. Trust is essential to being someone worth following. Obviously, I would not recommend over-empowering someone lacking experience because to do so is not loving. But, the majority of your team members can take on more than we (leaders) allow them to. And this point leads to something I want to spend the rest of the post explaining:

1+1+1 

Put succinctly, 1+1+1 is the formula for leadership development, or the process when one person builds into another person who then builds into another.  

At its essence, empowerment frees one to discover how to accomplish whatever it is they are attempting to accomplish. This must involve complete freedom. What I mean is that they must decide how to go about doing whatever it is they have been empowered over. Or, using the example above, empowerment frees the Salesperson to make any call necessary, even one that differs from the leader’s point of view. 

I want to be crystal clear on freedom because freedom forces accountability. Think about it, once empowerment occurs, the person is not simply doing a task, but in charge of a problem. They have both agency and authority. This forces them to lead the third “plus,” or 1+1+1, because they need the help, and support, of other people to move whatever it is forward. The Salesperson, for example, may need the help of Customer Service, Quality, or Production. So, they will need a “plus 1.” 

Remember, leadership is the art of doing things with and through other people. The only way for the empowered person to move forward is by doing things with and through other people. What’s better is that this empowered person most likely does not have positional authority. Therefore, they have to develop, and use, real leadership skills. They have to earn the buy-in of key stakeholders, they have to solicit the help of others who are probably “busy” doing their own job-related tasks. All of this is met with resistance because anything worth doing always is. Overcoming this resistance helps them become a leader. 

This may sound harsh, but only those worth following are going to have success in making things happen in this model. I do not say that to be mean, but rather, from what I have observed. Over the last year, I have been amazed at how certain people on our team have stepped up when empowered. I have watched two young Salespeople use their leadership skills to gain the buy-in of others throughout the organization—keep these two Salespeople in mind as I will return to them in the closing paragraph. I have also observed one of our Plant Managers take the next step in their development through empowering others to do things on their behalf. All of the sudden, this Manager has time to build into his team, rather than being the chief “doer.” The morale improvement is palpable. 

Conversely, I have also seen others on our team struggle to move the ball when they are empowered. I have observed how the organization does not respond positively to them, which means that others often have to get involved to alleviate issues or bottlenecks that arise. To be 100% sure, and please do not miss this, these people are image-bearers of the God I follow. More so, and this is also key, they are treated with grace and respect throughout the organization. Their contribution to the team is also not questioned. In fact, the people I am thinking about do good work. The reality, however, is that they are simply not leaders, and not people others follow. Therefore, it is best for them to exist in the 1+1 world rather than trying to force them into the 1+1+1. 

The majority of the readers of this blog are leaders themselves so let me close by clearly spelling a few things out so that we are all on the same page. 

The most important thing to remember is that this is not some gimmick, or Jedi-mind trick. This is actually hard to do because you, the leader, have to give away something that you probably hold on to closely, namely authority. To be sure, without empowering others to make decisions, they are stuck in a world of simply doing tasks. I will go so far to say that promoting these kinds of people may eventually work, but you (the leader) are causing them all sorts of pain by robbing them of the opportunity to develop leadership skills before they have positional authority. 

Leaders, I know it is does not feel good, but we have to give away power every single day. Let’s stop giving lip service to “working ourselves out of a job,” and let’s actually live it. If we do, our organizations will be thriving with new leaders. 

Finally, remembering the two young Salespeople I mentioned a few paragraphs up: What I am describing above, as it relates to the 1+1+1 model, only addresses empowerment around decision making, and the development of leadership skills necessary to achieve whatever the goal is. The real magic, however, happens when the new leader starts building into others and starts learning how to help them develop more leaders. To keep with the formula, the real magic, then, is when 1+1+1 becomes 1+1+1+1. To this end, I have been challenging these young Salespeople to do exactly this. I hope to report back in the months to come as to their progress. 

Let me close with some encouragement. 

I did not come up with this idea on my own, but rather from the one I most follow. Matthew 28:18-20 outlines Jesus’ Great Commission, and regardless of what you think of him, it is hard to deny the impact his movement, and Church, has had on history. 

This should encourage you because “making disciples that make disciples” overcame Rome, overcame countless cultural forces, and was initiated by outcast people of all genders and backgrounds. 

Setting faith aside, the reality is that people can be empowered to do more than any of us think possible. 

To that end, let’s expect the best of those we lead. 

And let’s give them the opportunity to become leaders themselves. 

The older I get, the more experience I gain, the more I have come to realize the power of the mind. The thoughts we think impact everything from our outlook of the world around us, to our individual performance and almost everything in between. As Henry Ford allegedly said, “whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” 

Most leaders realize that their thoughts have the power to either enhance, or hinder, not only their performance, but also the performances of those they lead. In fact, most leaders I talk to think about what they are thinking about, as strange as that sounds, and work to make sure that their thoughts are enhancing the environment around them. And when their thoughts hinder either their performance, or those around them, they work to change those thoughts. All of this is vitally important, and fundamental, to a leader. 

But, this post is about a different kind of thought. While the thoughts I am referring to above are conscious, meaning we hear them in our heads, the singular thought I am referring to today may or may not be. It may not be heard because it can, at times, be suppressed deep inside you. If so, it only becomes heard during times of stress or frustration. Because of this, it holds more power than it deserves. For this reason, it is the most dangerous lie a leader (might) ignore. 

I won’t tease out what it is any longer. The most dangerous lie a leader might ignore is the following:

“It is always going to be like this.”

To be clear, there are hundreds of contending lies that leaders can tell themselves, but I am taking the position that this one—“it is always going to be like this”- is the most dangerous one a LEADER can believe for several reasons. 

First, by definition a leader helps people move from point A to point B. Leadership is never sedentary and always requires movement. So, the word “always” in the statement, “it is always going to be like this,” implies that the leader no longer has agency to move whatever they need to move from point A to point B. Believing this lie, then, is the socially acceptable way for a leader to subconsciously say, “I give up.” Therefore, we need to root it out of our mind so that we continue to lead ourselves and others.  

Next, this statement is the most dangerous lie because it can be buried inside our subconscious, as I already mentioned above. Think about some similar statements like, “I am not good enough,” for comparison. “I am not good enough,” is never subtle. It is usually heard very audibly in one’s mind, whereas “it is always going to be like this,” is less so. It typically comes in a time of seclusion, or late in the evening, when the day is done. It is the ultimate “give up” moment.  

As I will mention below in the application section, we need to combat this lie with truth. This starts with recognizing the statement for what it is—a lie!—and reminding ourselves that things can change! That is, if we want to continue leading ourselves and others. 

Finally, “it is always going to be like this” is dangerous because it is an opinion. I am going to capitalize whose opinion it is so that you do not miss it. It is YOUR OPINION of YOUR SITUATION. What makes this so dangerous is that you tend to agree with your own opinions! What I mean is that when you hear it, you believe it, because you thought it! 

But, it is still a boldface lie! 

Therefore, I want to pivot to application because leaving you here would be like saying “it is always going to be like this, so good luck.” Not only is that not cool, I do not believe it for one second. 

So, here are some applications: 

First, start thinking about your thinking. Yes, think about what you are thinking about. Notice what you believe about situations. In fact, I recommend that you write down the themes that emerge. Spend time acclimating yourself to the trends of your thinking. Do you get negative when you are tired or stressed? Do you tend to make better decisions in the A.M. or P.M.? Simply notice how you think and how hard (or easy) you are on yourself.  

Second, reflect on your own leadership. What initiatives are you ignoring? What people, or change, have you given up on? Ask yourself whether you subconsciously believe that it is always going to be like this? Be honest here. It is easy to gloss over this one. It is easy to even lie to yourself, which is why you cannot stop here (see number 3).  

Third, ask someone else for help. I meet regularly with an Executive Coach and also an accountability partner. I highly recommend that you find one, or both, for yourself. If you think you can’t find one then find a coworker that you can trust. Or, ask your spouse to expose the trends of your thinking. After all, they most likely know you and your thought patterns better than any other human on the planet!  

Take time to reflect on the 3 points listed above.  Are you voicing a subconscious belief that “things (in whatever situation you are describing) are always going to be like this?” Take it from me, it is easy to fool yourself into thinking you do not think this way. Sometimes I need my Executive Coach to call me out, like he did last year when I (subconsciously) voiced an opinion that our sales were always going to suffer because of COVID. He immediately challenged me back, “it is your job to lead and make sure that is not the case!” 

In essence, he was reminding me that “things do not have to always be this way!”  

Finally, and the applications listed so far are not intended to be an exhaustive list, I would highly recommend taking a deeper dive on the topic of the mind. The best book I have read on this subject is Craig Groeschel’s, Winning the War In Your Mind. I highly recommend reading this book and following the exercises prescribed in the book. 

In closing, there is one thing I know about leadership that I want to leave you with that I hope will encourage you. As I stated above, leaders move things from point A to point B. They do this because they are always surrounded by people, the very people they are leading. 

So, with others around you, things do not have to always be the way they are. Things can change. 

Whether your version of “things are always going to be this way,” is something related to you personally, or your organization, I can say this with confidence. With the help of others, you, or your organization, CAN change. 

Believing things can change starts the process of, you guessed it, changing! 

It is equivalent to the farmer planting the seed. 

So, remember that you are not on this journey alone. 

You have more people around you that care than you most likely realize. 

These are the truths that you need to remind yourself of regularly. 

Things can change. 

It may be this way today, but things can and will change tomorrow. 

I used to absolutely dread meetings. I am task-oriented and like to check off my various to-do’s throughout the day. Meetings used to find their way onto the to-do list, but only begrudgingly so. I was never fired up to go to meetings, outside of the strategic planning meetings that clarified what mountains we were going to climb. 

Can you relate to my dread of meetings? Do you get tired of the monotone reading of the last meeting’s minutes? What about the overview of the action items? Has a part of you ever cynically wondered to yourself why they are even called “action” items given how little “action” is taken upon them? Maybe a better word choice would be “chore list,” because they typically are met with the enthusiasm kids have when their parent asks them to do a “chore.”

The problem is that meetings are where leaders LEAD. 

Think about it. 

A good meeting can: 

Cast vision

Clarify direction 

Asks penetrating questions 

Build people up

Share what’s going on in different parts of the organization 

Set strategy 

Adapt strategy when things in the environment change (COVID-19!)

Resolve tension 

And this is just the start. 

These are the things that leaders DO. 

Obviously, a leader cannot do all of this in the same meeting. Doing so is not only foolish, but it leads to what I refer to as “meeting stew,” or a mixture of multiple meetings in one. Unlike your mom’s stew, however, it never tastes good and leads people to the “meeting hangover” effect. The kind of hangover where they say, “I’ll never do that again…” 

But, they will. 

And in the context of organizational life they have to because it is part of their job. 

That said, it is our job as leaders to make meetings no longer suck. 

Yes, suck. 

This may be harsh, but the complaint from others that they’re in “so many meetings” that they can never get anything done, might be a cry for help for us (the leader) to run better meetings. 

So, why don’t we? 

The point I am driving home in today’s post should be obvious by now. But, let’s be crystal clear. Leaders need to believe that it is their job to run productive meetings. Further, they have to buy-in to the reality that meetings are where they actually get to lead others. It is their playing field. It is the golf course, football field, or pitch (your preference). Play the game. Set direction. LEAD. 

I get that not every meeting is run by you, the leader. The point is that when you, the leader, run a meeting, you need to step up and run it with excellence. Your meetings should feel different. 

To get you started, here are some of the types of meetings that I run:

Weekly meetings with direct reports (Having fun with these has been mutually beneficial) 

Monthly meetings with people I want to build into (“Nextgen” meetings)  

Weekly meetings with my two sisters where we support each other, hold each other accountable, and then I lead us in prayer over the business. 

Monthly operational meetings that goes over metrics, and gives the team a chance to fire questions at me. I learn a ton in this one! 

There are also a bunch of weekly meetings that I also participate in that range from our daily operational meeting to various weekly operational meetings. All of these are also important, so I have to show up with focus and energy. 

Regardless of what you think about meetings, to be someone worth following you have to create meetings that inspire, challenge, and set the organizational tone. 

Then, others will follow. 

I do not think I am an overly emotional person, but I recently found myself fighting back tears listening to the podcast, “The World and Everything in It”, (Episode 4.30.21). The last sixteen minutes of the podcast was a “farewell” to one of World Magazine’s reporters, Megan Basham. Among many different roles with World, Megan wrote entertainment reviews and gave movie reviews every Friday on the podcast that were extremely helpful to Sarah and me. So, I was sad to hear that she was leaving World for a new opportunity. 

What I was unprepared for, however, was the emotional send-off to Megan. Various colleagues recorded messages that were played the last sixteen minutes of the podcast. It was poignant, emotional, and touching. The love being shared was not of this world. As my burly next door neighbor likes to say occasionally to me, “it hit me right in the feels.”  

It also made me ask a horrifying question: How do we do transitions at Hoffer Plastics? Do we send people off with love, or are we bitter they are going to the next opportunity? 

Did I mention Megan is going to work for a quasi-competitor? (To clarify the new company is in the media field, but in a different lane than “Biblically-based journalism.”)

Another question I considered: Forget everyone else, do I love God enough to be open to the reality that his plans for others might be different than my preferences for them? 

I’ll be real as always. 

There are three typical reactions I have when someone is going to leave. 

1. Relief. Let’s be honest, there are some people that are just in the wrong job. If they leave, everyone is relieved, including them. My experience suggests this is less than 10% of the time. 
2. Somewhere between relief and sadness: This is the land of complex emotions. My experience suggests that most transitions are this one, let’s say 80%. 
3. Pure sadness: The kind of transition that impacts your sleep for months. Or, maybe that is just my experience with one necessary transition last Spring. I am still not over it. 

Admittedly, my emotions used to change based on what kind of transition I was experiencing. In retrospect, I was too often frustrated and selfish. Rather than dealing with my complex emotions, I would rationalize things to make myself feel better. This is a fool’s errand because it does not deal with the matters of the heart. I would have been better off writing in a journal, or talking it out with someone like my wife.

Realizing this, I am asking myself a few more questions after listening to the aforementioned podcast.

Do I love people enough to want what is best for them, even when it hurts Hoffer Plastics in the short run? 

Do I trust in God enough to provide, even when the path forward is potentially dark, confusing, and scary? 

Do I idolize people? Tim Keller reminds that anything you cannot live without is by definition an idol. To a business leader, that includes people. 

These questions are instructive to me, and bring to light the kind of person I want to become. I want to be someone that embraces loving transitions. 

You might not like all my questions, so I challenge you to create your own. More to the point, I challenge you to rethink how you do transitions. 

I am accepting my own challenge. 

While I do not speak for others, I see this as a faith issue because anytime I do not love the person over my own preferences, I am failing to love my neighbor as myself. Further, anytime I lack trust, I am falling into the trap of self-sufficiency and idolatry. 

Let me be clear, I am not self-sufficient. Also, my way is most often not the best way. 

Any success of our company is not mine. I was reminded of this last Fall when we had a record month while I spent 1/4 of it with a feeding tube in my nose. I know that is a blunt assessment, but I want to be clear here. I believe the experience was one way of God gently reminding me that I am not self-sufficient, and that He is in control. 

Here are some commitments I am embracing. I invite you to do the same as we close this post:  

I commit to erring on the human. 

I commit to trusting God, even when people that I do not want to leave are leaving. 

I commit to love. 

Transitions are never easy, regardless of what category they fall in. Therefore, we have to choose how we will respond now.  

We can be bitter. 

Or, we can be loving. 

I am embracing loving transitions. 

Will you commit to doing the same? 

(Author’s note: 5 days after writing this post, I have experienced two unforeseen transition announcements. So, God was preparing me for what was to come).  

This post is going to get straight to the point. Do you want to be a leader? 

Are you sure? 

The more I think about leadership, the more I think it comes down to one choice. This choice decides everything. It is the difference between being an actual leader, or a person others follow, and just someone with a title. 

The choice is between two forces that cannot coexist. One always wins out. One always takes precedence. 

The choice is simply this: Whose success do you care more about, yours or others? 

Admittedly, this is one of those questions that you have probably heard a thousand times. So, it has probably lost its power. You know the right answer, but do your actions live it out? 

Take one minute and ask yourself this question again. Whose success matters more? 

Yours? 

Or, others? 

If you are in any kind of “leadership” position in your organization, the chances are that you are, or were, a high performer. While this is not always the case, the majority of companies tend to promote high performers to positions of authority. If business was the game of basketball, the high performer would be the leading scorer on the team.

Leadership, however, is not about “scoring points.” In fact, in light of the basketball analogy, it can be compared to a position change. Instead of being a “scorer,” you now are a point guard. This means that your objective is no longer to score points, but to set teammates up to do the scoring. You are now a passer, not a shooter!

Leadership is the art of setting others up for success. Similar to how a point guard distributes the basketball to their teammates, a leader gets everyone involved and helps them along the way. Modern basketball distinctions aside (where point guards are scoring more frequently), leaders maintain an “others first” mentality and this is what makes them followable. The success of others is more important than their own. 

This distinction is hard to accept. It takes someone who is secure in themselves to go from scoring the game’s most important points, to making the game’s most important passes. 

This is why I am asking you to ask yourself whether or not you really want to lead. To be sure, organizations need good “shooters,” and good “passers.” They are just different roles, so we should be clear on which one we want to play. Then, if we choose to lead, we should excel in passing.

Admittedly, I have struggled with this at times. I would be remiss not to confess that “shooting” feels good, and certainly soothes the ego when the shot goes in. 

But, I am also reminded of the ultimate servant leader, who once said, “if anyone wants to be first, they must be the very last, and servant of all” (Mark 9:35). 

The choice is to be last, so others can be first. 

This is what leading others means in reality. 

I was eating cereal and reading Barron’s on a recent Sunday morning when my wife gave me the idea for this post. She was talking to my sister-in-law, who was also in the kitchen, about how our two daughters had been playing that weekend. Inevitably, our two daughters found small things to fight about over the weekend they spent together. My wife commented, “it is good for them to have conflicts because that is how they learn.” 

What immediately jumped to mind was what I said next. “If it is good for them to learn from conflicts, why do adults tend to spend their lives running from them?” 

Obviously, my statement is an over generalization as not every adult runs from conflict, but, my experience suggests that the vast majority of people do, especially in the workplace.

I lead a business with my two sisters and the three of us have equal positions in the company. Confronting them on something can be extremely difficult. I value the relationships I have with them outside work, so it can be tempting to not address an issue because I wrongly assume “conflict” will mean a disruption to our relationship —more on this below. Before moving on, however, it is important to clarify that my sisters and I do not even have major issues, just the ones all human beings have inside a workplace. Still, even issues that are relatively “minor” can be hard to confront.

I imagine my sisters rolling their eyes at the last paragraph because they have always been willing to listen to feedback. Here within lies the rub. The rub is the reality that the conflict, and especially the potential for major relationship disruption, is much bigger in one’s mind than it is in reality. Our mind tends to imagine the big blowup fight when we think of conflict. The reality, most of the time, is that nothing of the sort happens. 

If anything, what tends to happen is the resolution of conflict. 

For me, my subconscious fears some kind of fight depicted between family members in pop culture, perhaps a shouting match at a Thanksgiving dinner or some other family event. Thankfully, our holiday dinners are much more fun than fight! But, my fear can make me believe that I won’t get “seconds” if I have certain conversations at work. Of course, this is not true, and I have to continually remind myself that it is not. I also need to remind myself to do what I need to do, which is have the conversation. 

Remember, if a little conflict is good for two playmates, it is also good for us adults. 

Having conflict is obviously not easy. To that end, my sisters and I have spent considerable time working on how to have healthy conflict. For the last several years we have worked with a leadership coach who facilitates a quarterly meeting between the three of us. This forum gives us time and space to talk about our working relationships, the business, and just about everything else. While not every meeting revolves around having a “conflict conversation,” the time and space are there to do so if need be. You might not work with your siblings, but you do work closely with someone, or some group. Perhaps, you need to establish a time and place to regularly talk with them? If you are intentional, this time could turn into the “safe place” to bring up a potentially contentious issue. 

There is also a lot of discipline that needs to go into how the conflict conversation is handled when it happens. My encouragement on that end is to read something from an expert. Two books that aided me were, Difficult Conversations, and Crucial Conversations. I would strongly recommend leaders read at least one of these books so that they approach these hard conversations from a place of discipline and not recklessness. 

Conflict is not fun, but it is necessary. We learn about ourselves and others when we navigate conflict. Done right, both parties leave closer than before. Looking back on the weekend with our adorable niece, there were moments when she, and our daughter, fought about the silliest problems. That said, they learned how to love one another, live together, and even lead themselves, every time they did. 

We would be wise to follow their lead. 

If all else fails, like them, let’s look into the eyes of those we are in conflict with. Let’s take a deep breath, and say we are sorry. 

If it is not too weird, throw in a hug for good measure. 

Be kind and considerate. Relational conflict doesn’t have to be the behemoth your mind might imagine it to be. 

The theme of this blog is to encourage leaders to be reflective. I encourage leaders to think about everything from how they spend the time in their day, to how they measure success. So, today I want leaders to reflect on a question they all must answer. The choice can be summarized as this: 

Do you, as a leader, want to be liked or respected?

The default answer that I hear from leaders is often an immediate, “respected.” I understand this response because I share it. Yet, I have discovered that prioritizing leading in a way that earns respect can be difficult.

We must first acknowledge that there is a part in all of us that wants to be liked by others. In fact, part of being human is being in communion with others. This starts with our nuclear family, spreads to our friends, and eventually involves those we work with. This reality goes so deep that the saying, “we crave being liked”, is too simplistic. In reality, we crave “acceptance” as human beings.   

Social media’s popularity also speaks to our society’s value in being “liked.” Not only is there a button for it, but as social media has increased, so has division. While there are multiple factors for increased divisiveness, one reason could be that words shared on social media are having tremendous influence. In other words, the notion that “words will never hurt me,” is not true on social media! Nor, would I argue, is it true in the workplace. In both regards, our innate human nature is to be liked by others.

Part of being a leader, however, is doing the things no one else wants to do. These are the actions that make leaders worth being followed, but they also can come at a cost. For example, when a leader tackles a difficult HR issue, or a tricky customer problem, they are often doing the things no one else wants to do. But the action they take might not make everyone happy. This, in return, might make them less liked.

This reality is why doing the hard things is not easy. There can be a cost to it. Therefore, some leaders avoid doing it altogether in hopes that they maintain their “likeability.”

Doing the hard things, however, is how leaders become respected. The upside-down nature of leadership is that you sometimes have to set aside what you ultimately want in pursuit of the overall wellbeing of others. You have to set aside your “self,” for the sake of others, especially when what you are about to do is not “popular.”

Make no mistake about it, leadership is hard in this regard.

So, coming full circle, this is why I am encouraging leaders to reflect on whether they want to be liked or respected. While it is natural, even human, to seek being liked, I have discovered in my own leadership that seeking to be liked has made me a poor leader. When the desire to be liked takes me over, I can sometimes avoid doing the often unpopular, and always hard, things. Unfortunately, not addressing issues inevitably makes me less liked, and less respected, anyway.

I encourage you to gain clarity for yourself around the question of what matters more, being liked, or respected? Remember, a leader is not someone with a title. A leader is someone with influence. The gateway to influence is doing the things no one else wants to do.

These are the things that earn the respect of others! 

Bonus Material: 

In a rough draft of this blog, I included the following as two things I do to help me pursue respectability. Please note that even as I write the words above, doing the hard things is, well, hard for me to do continually. Knowing this about me, I need to build in support. What follows are two ways in which I am supported. Leadership is, after all, difficult to do well:

First, I have discovered that having an Executive Coach helps hold me accountable to my intention of being respected. My coach is good at asking for examples with regard to decisions I have made. This forces me to assess, among other things, whether I was acting out of a need to be liked, or whether I was doing the hard things that earn respect. A good coach also looks for blind spots and areas that I am ignoring. Both of these are extremely helpful as well. I strongly encourage all leaders to have a coach in their life. 

Another important thing I do is connect with other Senior Leaders outside of our organization. This is helpful for two reasons. First, it legitimately scratches the “like” itch. As a type-A leader, a weakness of mine is to downplay my need for social acceptance. But it is legitimate and how I was created. To that end, I am thankful for some of the subscribers to this blog that I connect with regularly. Iron does sharpen iron!  

To that end, the second benefit connecting with other leaders brings is the ability to listen to their leadership struggles. This has a way of feeding, and encouraging me to take action on more of my own struggles. Similarly, talking through my struggles with them can have the same effect for them because it reminds them, and me, that what we are experiencing is not unique. In other words, we are not in isolation. There are others experiencing what we are experiencing. This reminder is vital.