Marriage is a journey of continuous learning and growth. And recently, a conversation with my accountability partner sparked insights so valuable, I knew they had to be shared. Our discussion challenged conventional wisdom and reinforced timeless truths about what makes a marriage not just survive, but truly thrive.
Read on to learn three tips for nurturing a successful marriage.
Be 100% to 100%
One often repeated idea about marriage is that each person has to work to a 50/50 split. The intent behind this usually revolves around compromise. The thinking goes that if each person gives in a little, the couple can avoid unnecessary conflict.
The problem with this approach is that if I want to go to New York and Sarah wants to go to Phoenix, ostensibly, the compromise would be going to some city in the middle of the country. But neither of us would be happy with that compromise! Instead, I would be better off traveling to Phoenix and being 100% in on Sarah’s choice. Or conversely, she would be better off going to New York.
An all-in marriage — where both partners are 100% — is the way to go on every issue, not just a hypothetical travel conundrum.
One team
It is easy to be 100% all-in when you view your marriage as “one team.” To be clear, I don’t think I have ever used the term “team” to describe Sarah and me. But that is how we act. We are one unit that is in lockstep and fully aligned.
If a big decision needs to be made, what matters is not what I want (or what she wants) but what we want.
If one of our wonderfully behaved kids tested our boundaries (okay, they do all the time because they are kids!), it is now not how I react but how we react. We agree on the next steps.
Marriage is a commitment before it is anything else. It is always WE before ME.
Never use the word divorce — even in jest
My accountability partner talked about how seriously he has taken this “rule” with his wife. This reminded me of some off-hand joking comments I made early in our marriage (don’t judge) about divorce. Sarah gave me one of those looks that stopped me in my tracks. Some jokes are off the table.
There’s a good chance someone reading this blog has been through a divorce — and I want you to know that I share this principle with absolutely no judgment. I do not think I am better than you, nor do I think I have all the answers, nor do I believe my marriage is divorce-proof. I think my marriage, and any marriage for that matter, can dissolve when two human beings are involved. For this reason, I believe this principle is a good one.
What this principle conveys is that there should be a stickiness to marriage. The vows say it best: through sickness and health. I could add my own junk here: through my annoying sports rooting meltdowns, my aging body that no longer looks like it did when I was 24, my constant self-induced pressure to be better at every aspect of life, my insecurity around my leadership, and how I carry all that junk home and often am irritable, tired, and discouraged.
You can pray for Sarah, and given what I listed, there could easily be times when she could joke about divorce. “Keep this up, buddy, and you’ll ….”
But she never goes within a million miles of that.
Why?
We are 100% to 100%
We are one team — it is about WE.
We are all in.
And what about Sarah’s imperfections? No way. I’m no idiot! (See, now that’s the kind of marriage humor I embrace!)
My prayer is that these tips help those of you who are married.