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If your intuition is that what you’re doing —whatever it may be —is making someone upset, why don’t you simply ask:

Is what I am doing making you upset?

I recently asked this question to one of my direct reports who is a manager within the company. I had previously set up meetings with their team members (without the manager present) in hopes of establishing personal relationships with them —a goal of mine is to be accessible to the whole organization.  The manager knew about the meetings and was, at least initially, all right with the idea.  My intention was to create trust and demonstrate that I could hear difficult feedback from these individuals —even if it was about their “manager”—and maintain confidentiality. I also wanted to be cognizant of the amount of the meetings the “manager” already had and not add to that list.

As time went by, however, I could tell that the meetings were becoming a sore spot in my relationship with this manager. In fact, their initial “silence as acceptance” posture appeared to be migrating to “passive annoyance.” So before it became “passive aggressive” I went ahead and asked: Are these meetings I’m having with your team making you upset?

A long pause ensued.

After long consideration, the answer was yes. They understood the relational element —even appreciated it —but they felt that their absence was encouraging unhealthy dynamics, like gossip, to exist.

Hearing this feedback affirmed my intuition that something was amiss. Frankly, “gossip” was not the problem that I feared, nor was it a problem in the current meeting structure. The problem I realized was developing, though, was role confusion. For the closer I became to this team, the more willing they would be to come to me when they have an issue. By changing course, and inviting the manager back into the meeting, I could still communicate that I am always accessible, but their first point of contact is always their manager.

The points here are simple:

Have direct conversations with those you lead, and be willing to ask the uncomfortable question of whether what you are doing is upsetting them.

If the answer is yes, and there is merit to that concern, listen to the feedback and change course as necessary.

As I learned, this not only alleviates potential conflict or angst, but also promotes a healthier culture for everyone.

Bonus:  I recently was on the Manufacturing Alliance Podcast – May 19th edition – and it can be heard on iTunes.

Want to be a better leader?

Stop using navigation apps for the next 30 days, and ask for directions. Always ask, even when you think you are sure you know where you are going.

Listen to the advice you are given.

Discern the good advice from the bad advice.

Make a decision on the route you are going to take and begin proceeding to your destination.

If you get lost, and you will occasionally get lost, relax and think. It is okay to ask for more help. In fact, no bonus points are awarded for “doing it on your own.”

Keep going until you reach your destination. Once there, jot a note down about what you learned, and which roads you should avoid in the future.

And then, take some more notes.  What did you learn about yourself and your leadership?

I dare you to try this experiment.

You’ll become a better leader in the process.

Sarah and I could hear our two sons playing, laughing, and yelling. The only problem was the time.

It was 6:04 a.m.

They are not supposed to get up until 6:30 a.m.

Leaders confront these kinds of issues, so off to the bedroom I went.

I asked Will – our 6 year old – what time he got up?

No answer.

So as a good leader, I persisted.

Finally, he told me that he awoke sometime around 5 a.m.

I suspected he was the ring leader, but I also knew that Ben – our 4 year old – was no saint either.

So I also asked Ben what time he got up.

“Well,” he said, “I can’t read the clock, so I don’t know.”

Realizing the only clock in Ben’s room is an old iPhone dock with a broken clock, and remembering that Ben is FOUR, it took everything in me to not burst out laughing.

Chuckle aside, this experience is instructive to leadership at work and elsewhere. How often do I hold people accountable for things they currently don’t have the skills to be held accountable for?

Am I, or are we as an organization, training them for those skills? Are our expectations transparent in the first place? Are they easily understood?

Before you dismiss this a kind of problem your organization doesn’t struggle with, I challenge you to think of the last time you implemented a new technology.

How often do you assume that people on your team know how to use the new technology you have implemented? Maybe they haven’t reached out for help, so is it safe to assume that they know what they’re doing?

Not necessarily.

The only way to be sure, is to be sure. In other words, you have to see them use it.

I share this insight because it is a weakness of mine. We, for example, have a beautiful sales app that can be used on iPads for presentations. I automatically assumed that our team would run with it. I asked if there were any questions and hardly anyone spoke up.

A little over a year later, and I rarely see anyone use it besides myself.

I am at fault here because our sales people are good at what they do. It is something that is new, and therefore, I should have spent more time with them on it.

I will going forward.

I hope my insight challenges you on how you can help those on your team.

I recently had lunch with a friend of mine and they shared a story about something that happened within their organization. As the primary leader, they were sort of venting, and sort of looking for reassurance that they had handled the situation well. Not only did I think they handled it well, and in fact, I thought their handling of it could be a brilliant model for other leaders to follow.

Twenty-Four hours later, I found myself amped up on caffeine. As you may have noticed, I have been doing video blogs regularly in 2018, and the topic that had been discussed the day prior was “video worthy,” so off I went.

A few minutes later, the video was done. Before I started uploading it to YouTube, I thought it would be wise to run it by this leader, so I shared the video with them via text.  The feedback I received was the following: “Wow, this video is awesome. But since you asked, and I appreciate you asking, I don’t think you should post it publicly because this was a ‘private matter.’ I hope you understand.”

Not only did I understand, I was embarrassed that I had come within seconds of publicly sharing what they had intended to be a private conversation. I was completely in the wrong to assume that my friend’s story was not confidential. So thank God I checked before making a terrible mistake and sharing the “private” matter publicly.

Trust is everything in a relationship, and I had come perilously close to unintentionally ruining the trust my friend had in me. Granted, my intention was to inspire, not to ruin trust —In fact, the gist of the video was encouragement for this organization. Regardless of intentions, I had come close to ruining trust.

I learned a few things from this experience. For starters, I should never assume that I have the liberty to publicly share a story told in private. Further, I should always ask for permission to make sure —this is a good reminder for me and other writers, who are always on the hunt for a good story! Finally, I need to practice self-control with regards to what I tell others. Like many of the readers of this blog, I sign countless NDAs, and have countless “private” conversations. I want to be known as someone others can trust, not as someone with loose lips.

Trust is a big deal. In fact, it may be one of the most critical aspects of any relationship. Learn from me, and assume private conversations are to be kept private unless otherwise noted.