Special Post

As you know, this is a blog about leadership. Leaders are those worth following, and leadership is the process of doing things with and through other people. But the more I think about it, those characteristics also describe mothers! Let me share some examples of moms in action as we celebrate Mother’s Day. 

My Mom

My mom always made our home welcoming. My friends loved coming over because she made it that way! As my wife points out, my mom has the gift of being interested in what other people are interested in — this is one of the reasons she is worth following. She also cares about the community and regularly volunteered her time to help. This example is something I see in my sisters and something I work on modeling in my own life. I am blessed to have the mom I have! 

My Mother-in-Law

Watching my mother-in-law can be like watching a CEO lead a business. There is action everywhere, and the food is always prepped and ready for dinner. And the food is always great! More than this, thanks to her hospitality, her home feels like home to everyone who comes there. 

My mother- and father-in-law regularly welcome a staggering number of guests to their house — a true testament to their generous spirit. I am blessed to have the mother-in-law I have! 

My Wife

Then, there is my wife, Sarah. The day I met her, I said she was amazing, which was an understatement. Besides being brilliant, she is one of the kindest, gentlest, and most humble people I know. She cares deeply for others, especially our three kids. When the COVID-19 pandemic came, she embraced it with possibility thinking, “What does this make possible?” For Sarah, it made homeschooling possible. 

Sarah didn’t just dip her toe in the water with homeschooling — she dove in! Now our kids are several years into the homeschooling journey. Not only are they having fun with it, but they’re making a lot of progress. For example, our two boys are reading at a level I didn’t achieve until much older! I credit Sarah fully for that. 

Complicated Relationships

Reflecting on the amazing mothers in my life, I remember that not everyone shares in such positivity. Sometimes human beings get it wrong. 

So if you don’t have positive memories of your mother, just know that a Heavenly Father still loves you beyond human understanding or ability. 

Further, as Sarah has reminded me through her Tuesday morning Bible Study, there are women out there who can form the bond of sisterhood that approaches the level of intimacy one has with their mother. It can never replace it, but it can certainly help. Sarah’s leadership of this group is another thing I admire about her.   

Thank you, Mothers!

Happy Mother’s Day to all. Happy Mother’s Day to the mothers working from home or balancing careers and motherhood like my two sisters and our VP of Sales! Happy Mother’s Day to those I will never forget, like the memories of my two grandmothers and those you are thinking of as you read this post. 

Happy Mother’s Day!

The end of Jesus’ life on earth was filled with alienation, pain, and mocking. As Matthew recalls in the 26th chapter of his Gospel, “…the men stepped forward, seized Jesus, and arrested him” (26:50). The first reaction of Jesus’ disciples was violence (verse 51), but Jesus said no protection was needed from his friends (verses 52-56). This was, after all, the plan. As crazy as that sounds. 

Before long, however, Jesus was alienated and left to fend for himself. Peter gets picked on by modern readers, so it is important to clarify he was not the only one that left Jesus. All did. But Peter did deny that he knew Jesus (verses 69-75). Later on, this was all forgiven, and it serves as a reminder that we can always come back home to Jesus (John 21:15-17). 

Next for Jesus was physical pain. The soldiers “…spit in his face and struck him with their fists. Others slapped him” (Matthew 26:67). A “crown of thorns was set on his head” (Matthew 27:29). “They struck him on the head again and again” (verse 30), and led him away to be crucified. Crucifixion involved the nailing of irons into his arms and legs. It was a brutal and unimaginably awful way to die. 

Yet, this was not the end. 

Besides the alienation of his friends and the pain he endured, Jesus also dealt with mocking. Early on, it came from the soldiers: “Then they knelt in front of him (Jesus) and mocked him” (verse 27:29). Later on the cross, it came from two rebels who hung beside him. Then it came from the religious leaders watching all the events take place in front of them: “…the teachers of the law and the elders mocked him” (27:41). 

The end seemed to be now approaching, but it was really just the beginning. 

You Are Not Alone

Do you feel alienated? 

Do you struggle with physical pain? 

Do you feel mocked? 

Do you feel like the end is coming? 

You are not alone. 

“After the Sabbath…Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to the Tomb” (Matthew 28:1). If you were going to make up a story two thousand years ago, your last choice of witnesses would be two women. Women were not considered credible witnesses in that culture, yet Jesus’ resurrection starts with women because everyone matters to Jesus, and all are welcome. “Suddenly Jesus met them. ‘Greetings,’ he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshipped him” (verse 9). 

Have you come to Jesus? The invitation is for everyone and anyone! 

But the religious leaders were not done yet. “When the chief priests had met with the elders and devised a plan, they gave the soldiers a large sum of money, telling them, ‘you are to say, ‘his disciples came during the night and stole him away while we were asleep.’” (Verses 11-13). 

What are we to make of this? Did the same disciples who alienated Jesus come and do this? Did they somehow manage to overcome Roman guards and move a large boulder guarding the tomb’s entrance? Or is this whole story just made up? 

I cannot speak for you, but I find it hard to believe that these disciples – the same ones that just alienated Jesus – would turn-around and come to spread the message of Jesus’ resurrection. Not only that, but that they would do so with such fervor that ten of them eventually would be martyred for doing so. That is, unless they were doing so from a place of being certain of what they had witnessed!  

But you have to decide on your own. 

The Hope of the World

In a world lacking hope, and in a world full of ridicule, alienation, and mocking, maybe it is time to reconsider the Hope of the World. 

Jesus is the one I follow because he is the perfect example of truth, love, and hope. He is my Savior. In fact, there are not enough words to describe him in the dictionary! My entire life changed when I discovered the Hope found in him. And there is nothing blind about it. It is there for anyone to see if they look for it. 

If anything written above tugs at your heart, maybe you should consider reading the book of Mark. You can read one chapter per day for the next 16 days and learn what Jesus says on his own. His words are better than mine! 

What I can say is this: 

Jesus welcomes all. 

You can set your bags down. 

There are no qualifications needed. 

Your past is just that, your past. 

You are home now. 

Easter morning is here. 

Hope springs eternal because of Jesus. 

In recent years, one thing I have felt convicted about is my continual pursuit of more learning. Admittedly, this sounds silly on the surface. Undoubtedly, learning can’t be a bad thing, right? The reality that I’ve discovered, however, is that there are two dangers in continual learning. 

First, it can lead to pride. This can lead you to believe that your self-worth is tied to reading books, listening to podcasts, or learning from Ted talks. It might even tempt you to think that you are superior to those who fail to read or pursue improvement. None of these attitudes are healthy for a leader. 

Secondly, and more to the point of today’s post, continual learning keeps one moving from one thing to the next. There are always more books, podcasts, and potential pathways to self-improvement, especially in our current information age. But what happens when “more” is just that — more?  In other words, what happens when the information just stays as information? 

Application 

I am passionate to continue learning. But I’m also passionate about ensuring that my learning is accompanied by some application of what I’ve learned.

I use the qualifier “some” intentionally because not all information needs to be actionable. For example, I might read a book on a subject like bald eagles just to learn a few things about them and to engage in a subject that interests my 11-year-old son. Of course, this doesn’t mean I need to apply the learning directly and become a zoologist.  

But there are areas in my life, like leadership development, where I need to be a little more disciplined in terms of what I am applying. To do this, I need to remember, reflect, and respond. I’ll show you how to do this below using my blog homepage. 

Remember 

This post is the 13th I’ve published since the start of 2023. I have covered a variety of topics that one can review by quickly scrolling. Does one jump out? For example: 

New Year, Same Old Mechanic (Spirituality) 

My New Year Promise (3 questions to start the new year) 

One More Question for A New Year, New Perspective (Attitude) 

The False Self Series 

The point of remembering is to reengage your mind on the material you have previously learned. 

Reflect 

Here is where you go deeper. It is also where you have to look within yourself. The question is, what jumps out at you? I heard the most feedback from readers about this post: The False Self Series, Part 6: Beating Myself Up about the Past. Maybe this post spoke to you? The point here is to listen to your gut, reread what jumps out, and reflect on how you need to implement it. 

Respond 

After remembering and reflecting, here is where you apply the material. If you chose the post about beating yourself up, one application could be to find an accountability partner that you can meet with weekly. For example, I meet twice per month with my accountability partner and one of the areas I report on is how I talk to myself about myself. I’ve discovered that trashing myself indicates a lack of faith because my negative self-view of the past doesn’t align with Jesus’ current view of me. 

While I have used my blog as an example today, you can use the remember, reflect, and respond technique on just about any material you are studying. The point of today’s post is to encourage you to do so. This ensures that your head knowledge becomes heart knowledge, and I believe this will help you on your journey of becoming the kind of person others will want to follow.

Check out part one of my annual letter to my grandpa here.

Dear Grandpa, 

Recently, I took my dad and two boys to a Purdue basketball game. As we pulled into West Lafayette, dad started to reminisce about visiting his grandfather in West Lafayette as a child. Realizing the significance of the moment—it is not every day that my dad reminisces about the past—I asked dad if he wanted to go see his grandpa’s house? 

He did. I turned onto Grant Street and slowed the car as we approached your childhood home — what dad refers to as his grandfather’s house. The red brick house stood out against the small pile of snow on the lawn. Dad commented that Grandma would still be upset about the house next door, and then explained that she never wanted to sell the land it now occupies. He played games on that dirt, he said. The more he reminisced, the more I thought about how the dirt is the one thing that remains constant. My boys represent the fifth generation from your father, so it is natural that the neighborhood, and life for that matter, is now radically different. 

But the dirt remains the same.  

Buy Dirt

As Hoffer Plastics turns 70 this week, I have thought a lot about dirt. This is probably because of a country music song that keeps finding its way onto my playlist at the gym. Here are a few of its lyrics: 

A few days before he turned 80

He was sittin’ out back in a rocker

He said, “What you been up to lately?”

I told him, “Chasing a dollar”

And in between sips of coffee

He poured this wisdom out

Said, “If you want my two cents on making a dollar count

Buy dirt

Find the one you can’t live without

Get a ring, let your knee hit the ground

Do what you love but call it work

And throw a little money in the plate at church

Send your prayers up and your roots down deep

Add a few limbs to your family tree

And watch their pencil marks

And the grass in the yard all grow up”

‘Cause the truth about it is

It all goes by real quick

You can’t buy happiness

But you can buy dirt

When I hear these lyrics, I immediately think of you and your generation. I picture my Papa smoking a pipe outside his garage in Evansville, and I think of you tending your greenhouse in Elgin, and the word that comes back over and over is contentment. Your generation pulled up its bootstraps, worked, and “sent your prayers up and your roots down deep.” 

There are literal pencil marks in your old basement charting the growth spurts of two generations! 

The refrain I often hear from well-intentioned people is that they are leaving Illinois because of its unfriendly business climate, high taxes, and bad weather. I cannot argue with these challenges. But as last year wound down, the message I continually received from my prayers was:

Buy dirt. 

Different, But Not Unique

One of the moments that reoriented me last fall was driving by your house on the way home from a business trip. I think I mentioned driving by your house almost every year because it is always impactful. This time I realized that buying dirt was precisely what you did. You stayed in the same house from 1953 until the end. You refused to chase better when you were already happy. You embodied contentment. 

We moderns like to trick ourselves. We think things are particularly hard right now and that business challenges are unique to our generation. The word I like to use is “different.” Things are definitely different, but they are not unique. And regardless of external circumstances, we still walk on the same dirt you did. 

Obviously, I don’t know what the future holds. Today’s different circumstances may prove to be too much. There is no defeatism in me when I say these things; I am just pointing to the reality that nothing is assured. Well, nothing outside of time passing by and the dirt staying dirt. 

Rediscovering Hope

While some readers might find this reality depressing, I do not. As I shared last week, I rediscover hope every time I look into the eyes of the people who make up our team. I see the possibilities in the next generation, and they excite me. My task is to ensure that the seeds are planted, that the plants are tended, and the harvest is plentiful. 

I must tend the dirt as you did. 

There is a profound purpose in doing so. 

Until next year, I will keep watching the pencil marks of my kids’ growth grow, I will keep saying my prayers with Sarah every night, and I will keep digging our roots deeper and deeper into the community God has placed us in. I will do this regardless of how different things are, and even when those differences irritate and frustrate me. 

I will do this because that is our family history. Until God calls me elsewhere, I will tend to the dirt he has given us. 

You understood this. 

I am starting to. 

I miss you and love you, 

Alex  

Dear Grandpa, 

It is that time of year again when I think of you in anticipation of the remembrance of your birthday. While others like to think of those “up there” looking down on us, I don’t think that is the case. My hope is that “up there” is so amazing you wouldn’t give “down here” a look. But someday maybe I will tell you about these letters…

They do help me. They help me because as I talk to my Heavenly Father — as I often do in my head as I start to walk our production floor — I remember you. I remember your passion for the business we get to do. I remember how much you loved interacting with the people. I remember the sense of duty you had in helping the community and the industry. Remembering you gives me a renewed sense of energy. 

Looking for Contentment in All the Wrong Places

As I have already shared on my blog, I fell into a big rut last fall. I became self-absorbed. I was asking for my work to fill a void that it was never intended to fill. In my pursuit, I became irritable and discontented. Honestly, I was not a good leader. But as your example reminds me, leadership is about other people. It is about supporting them, giving them opportunities, and building into them. Frankly, I think we in contemporary America spend too much time fixated on ourselves. This is what I was doing last fall, and my sense of peace was shaken.

I had two speaking opportunities last fall. One was with MAPP (Manufacturing Association for Plastic Processors), the other for the TMA (Technology and Manufacturing Association). In both cases, I put a lot of effort into creating messages that would encourage the audience. I was prepared and did my best — I think you would have been proud. Still, I left both stages feeling like a fraud. 

To be clear, I didn’t feel like a fraud because of what I said. In both cases, I believed in (and, to the best of my ability, lived from) the convictions I shared. No, I felt like a fraud because of the discontentment I felt inside me. I had looked at these events to fill some void in me that they weren’t intended to fill. Instead, they exposed my vanity and desire for human approval. And no human affirmation was going to fill that void.  

I then came back to Hoffer Plastics looking for contentment. But co-leading a plastics manufacturing company only creates issues, not contentment! (I smile as I write this because I know you would understand.) Then, when I was at my worst and didn’t feel like walking our production floor, I had to walk past our mission poster with your face on it. It always kicked me in the behind and reminded me to keep going. 

I spent weeks in prayer about my discontentment, and it took weeks for things to change. One of the most effective prayers I pray is this: “Lord, please do not change my circumstances. Rather, help me to change for my circumstances. Because if you change my circumstances, I won’t learn what you are trying to teach me through my circumstances.” 

A Wake Up Call

A few moments stand out that are worth sharing. 

First, mom and dad were down in Florida at their condo, living through a category one hurricane. I am sure you would have something to say about that since you never had a condo, but stay with me. I was in one of my discontented moods grumbling about all the “have to dos” I have at the business. All of the sudden, Lizzie (she has worked on our floor for 52 years now!) asked me about my parents. “Alex, are they okay?” 

Of course they are, I replied. 

“OH GOOD. I was praying and praying for them with that hurricane.” 

Full stop. 

It had not dawned on me that Lizzie was asking about THAT. I thought she was just being polite. 

She continued. “You know, Alex, you all are part of my family.” 

Grandpa, that wrecked me. It jolted me awake from my vanity. It was God’s way of reminding me that the purpose of work is doing things with and through others, not providing me with contentment. In fact, the way to find contentment is to lose myself in the pursuit of others. 

I went home that night, and with Sarah, I prayed for forgiveness for my selfishness and self-centeredness. Like Jacob, that comment awoke me from sleep, and I echoed his thoughts that, “Surely the Lord is in this place, and I was not aware of it” (Genesis 28:16). Of course, I was aware. But I needed to be reminded and this did it!  

My circumstances didn’t change in the weeks that followed. In fact, our business started to slow down due to the economy. I could even argue that circumstances made life a bit harder. 

Yet, I rediscovered the peace that grows from Jesus’ spirit. My inner life realigned to my external life. I followed the teacher, and arguably (you would have to ask others to be sure), became someone worth following again. 

I will stop here for now. 

Next week, we celebrate our 70th anniversary as a company, so it is only fitting that I share the other moments then. 

I love you, 

Alex

Dear Grandpa,

Hi, Grandpa. Happy birthday in heaven. Every March 3, I think about you — and as I have for many years, I wanted to take a moment on your birthday to commemorate you by writing you a letter. 

You may not believe it, but I turned 40 last year! 40 is a milestone. I am old enough to realize that much of what I already chased was vanity. Yet, I am young enough to correct my course in profound ways. But, as I do in my prayer life, I need to start with a confession. 

This year, I have wanted to give up multiple times. I know other people will be reading this letter and I probably shouldn’t admit that. But it’s true. I have felt constantly burdened by the stress of leading a family business. I have seen others leave to do things that seem more fun and less of a grind. I have occasionally felt stuck. The world says, “follow your heart.” But what good is that when your heart is ever-changing? My buoyant mood Monday morning often turns grumpy by Monday afternoon. It changes like the wind, but my responsibility for this business remains constant. 

I know this may sound like I’m whining, and maybe I am. But if I am not honest about my thoughts, they fester. When I write them out, I can assess them, recalibrate, refocus and realign my thinking to my goals. 

My last two years have been about regaining my focus on what matters and persisting when I felt like giving up. 

“Bring Grandma flowers.”

I know I’ve shared this with you before, but I often find myself thinking about one of the last moments I saw you on this planet. 

Lying on your bed, you told us to bring Grandma flowers. This struck me because, after almost nine decades of life and success, you came back to that one relationship. There were a plethora of things you could’ve said — about the business, about your success — but you didn’t. Instead, you pointed to the most important human relationship you had. 

And while it was not your intent, I’ll tell you that it had a huge impact on the development of my character. Sarah and I have observed the same unwavering commitment in our parents’ marriages, and now we continue with ours. We are stronger today than we were pre-pandemic. This has not happened by accident —it has happened because, regardless of how hard life has been, we have ended each day the same way…talking, praying, and then talking some more. Sarah is always on my mind. I can confidently say that I understand why you were thinking about Grandma to the end.

With my home life on stable ground, I have been able to weather the storm at work. Results have been good, but there is much more to it than P&L — or at least there is in a family-led business. This year, there have been times that I have needed to shift my focus from the “burden” of the business to the “privilege” of the business. While business matters sometimes stress me to the point of affecting my sleep, the privilege of seeing other people thrive is greater. 

I cannot emphasize enough the word “other” in the previous sentence. The beauty of the business you founded shines through in the people who made it thrive: Al, Fred, Rocky, and too many other people to mention. They are countless. 

Oh, and I figured you’d want to know that Lap retired in January. You would be so proud of the man he is, the family he leads, and the contributions he made. Sure, occasionally he was a jerk to me, not holding back on letting me know how he thought I was doing. But I became so much better for it! I already miss him and his “performance reviews.” On his last day, he came to my office. We hugged, and I fought back tears. It was probably embarrassing to us both. 

What a privilege. What a moment! 

Love, Alex

The following was originally published on June 27, 2022.

If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you know that I believe life is relational. The deepest relationships we have influence every other aspect of our life. I have discovered that getting my relationship right with Sarah positively impacts every other part of my life. Said bluntly, if someone finds me worth following, they can thank Jesus and then Sarah. 

Fifteen years ago, after giving an emotional speech to our wedding guests about my love for Sarah, my dad told me, “Now you have to go live it.” And for the past 15 years we have. 

What does it look like to “live” one’s love? I’ll share a few of our personal examples here. And as I’m sharing these, I’m thinking about two specific kinds of readers: already married leaders and those who may be thinking about getting married. If you’re the former, I hope this encourages you to maintain your marriage not only for its sake, but so that you can bring your best to work. And if marriage is on your horizon, I hope that even one idea below will help set you up for marital success. 

What have Sarah and I done that has positively impacted our marriage?

• We pray every night together. We started this while we were dating. We confess sins, honor God, ask for guidance, and give thanks. This is communication with God and between each other. It has entirely shaped our marriage and everything that follows below.
• We learned each other’s love language. When we were engaged, we read the classic book, The Five Love Languages. Okay, I confess that I thought the book was a silly idea. But through reading it, I discovered that my soon-to-be-wife felt more loved when I held her hand or gave her a hug than when I bought her fancy things. Thanks to the book, not only do I ensure I show her I love her in a way that feels like love to her — but just think of all the money I’ve saved! Just kidding. Kind of.
• Hug your spouse often. As one guest wrote on our wedding picture, “Big kisses, every day!”
• Celebrate a random day of the night with a glass of wine. During our dating life we shared “Tuesday night date nights” and still do.
• Set boundaries. Call me old-fashioned, but I am not alone with the opposite sex unless it is for work and Sarah knows them.
• Be accountable. If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know I strive to be accountable for every aspect of my life. The first thing I talk to my accountability partner about is my marriage. Hiding in marriage is not healthy.
• We always resolve conflict quickly. I can remember some of our arguments, but I can honestly say that I NEVER remember one carrying over to the following day. Settle it quickly. Everyone loses when it carries over. Everyone loses. Get it?
• Have a vision for your marriage. Cliche? I do not think so. I want to be the guy telling his great-great-grandkids to bring Sarah flowers when I am at my end. We share Grandma and Grandpa’s anniversary, so why not share their vision?
• Remember. Always remember. I will never forget randomly meeting up with Sarah again on Lincoln Avenue in downtown Chicago — or driving back to Chicago from Evansville, Indiana after my Papa’s funeral so I could try to win her back— then working the next month to get my shot with her and telling her we would get married if we got back together. Spoiler alert: we did! And I will tell the whole story some other time. Stay tuned!
• Share your love. Tell them you love them, and use words. Repeat daily.
• Talk about your love life. (Mom, please feel free to skip this one!) Talk about your expectations. I know this may sound unromantic, but your needs are probably different from theirs. Making sure you’re aligned here can help you avoid unnecessary resentment. For example, I’m tired of playing golf with guys who complain about this aspect of their life. Or worse, guys who give marriage a bad rap because they don’t have the guts to talk about their needs and wants with their wife. My love life is great, and that’s because we talk about it.
• Talk about money too. I do not make a big purchase without Sarah’s approval. She does the same. Avoiding conflict here is wise.
• CELEBRATE the big moments. Like this one. 

Do Sarah and I have a perfect marriage? Of course not. But I will say that a lot of intentionality goes into the great marriage that we have. I am a better person because of Sarah. There is no one I would rather be with. 

Thank you, Lord. 

I love you, Sarah. 

Last week, I shared a post about the importance of taking your shot. My goal with that post was to reach someone waffling on a decision and encourage them to take their shot. 

And now, I’m going to take another shot — even though it feels uncomfortable and awkward — and tell you about something I’m proud of and excited about. It feels odd and self-promotional (something readers of this blog know I avoid like the plague), but at the risk of being accused of “tooting my own horn,” I’m stepping outside my comfort zone just like I suggested you do.

First, a little background: MAPP (Manufacturers Association for Plastic Processors) holds an annual benchmarking conference each fall that has positively impacted my team members and me. Since 1997, MAPP has brought plastic processors together in various forums to learn from each other, challenge each other, and grow relationally. In short, it is an organization that embraces authentic leadership — the process of doing things with and through other people. 

I have been blessed to speak several times at MAPP’s annual benchmarking conference in breakout sessions — intimate Q&A sessions with 10-50 people in a small classroom setting. This has been a great experience where I learned as much as I taught — the audience’s insights and encouragement meant I left the conference feeling fired up to get back to work! 

Out of My Comfort Zone

This year, MAPP has asked me to do something out of my comfort zone. Instead of speaking in a breakout session in a small classroom, they requested I give a talk on the main stage in front of hundreds of attendees. Admittedly, their ask made my heart beat a little faster — and it still does as I write this now! But, I am taking my shot. 

I am taking my shot because the topic I will discuss — shared leadership — is near and dear to me and something I think will help the audience rethink their views about leadership. 

Influence and Leadership

Leadership is the process of doing things with and through other people; it always involves others. And when a leader realizes that their leadership is based on influence — and that no one has a monopoly on influence — their eyes open up to the possibility of other leaders. External factors like experience, title, and status, become irrelevant, and influence takes precedence. 

As I have learned at Hoffer Plastics, a college intern and upcoming retiree may not have much in common, but both can and should influence our organization. We are better when we listen to both. We improve through shared leadership. 

A Question of Legacy

Of course, I have a lot more to say about this topic (and I will at the conference!), but I want to leave you with one parting thought on shared leadership for today — and it’s a question of legacy. When you’re at the end of your life, what do you want to be known for? Is it some arbitrary list of accomplishments? Or, is it something else? I have a clear idea of what I want my legacy to be, and I’ll start my talk at MAPP’s benchmarking conference with that thought. In the meantime, thank you for indulging me in this moment of self-promotion, and I hope you can join me on October 5 and 6 in Indianapolis.

Over the past few years, I’ve written a letter to my Grandpa Hoffer around the date of his birthday. It occurred to me that my other grandfather, Papa, has also significantly impacted my life. What follows is a letter to my mom’s dad, my Papa. I include it on the blog this week because his birthday, July 5th, is smack dab in the middle of summer, and summer is often a time when leaders slow down and take stock. 

I hope this letter encourages you to remember your past. How has it shaped who you have become today? And how can you honor your past in your leadership going forward? Above all else, I hope “remembering” recharges you as it has for me. 

===

Dear Papa, 

I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking about what I might write to you. To start with, I miss you. Since you passed in 2005, my life has changed in so many ways — it feels like a lifetime ago. Yet, when I think back to our time together, the days of yesteryear are precariously close. The only plausible explanation for this feeling is that my fondness for those days goes deep. Those days shaped the man I have become. 

When I look at my three kids, I can’t help but think how much you would love them! I imagine you watching baseball late at night with Will and me. He has somehow inherited your love for sitting quietly and watching baseball. I‘ve told him (more times than I can count) that he has inherited this love from you. Like you, he is willing to put team allegiances aside to celebrate good baseball. I have also told him that you were the only person I knew who saw Babe Ruth play in person. His eyes always grow wide in amazement. 

Meanwhile, Ben eats like you — which means he eats everything, something I’m sure you’d be proud of. I have taken him to a few Cubs games this year, and he has demolished the buffet in our seating area! Ben has such a curiosity for life that I am sure he would tire you out with questions. He specifically wonders about your war experience. You would appreciate the gentleness of his soul. 

Sadie is something else entirely. She is tough, sweet, and a princess — all in a matter of minutes. As you would be able to tell quickly, there is a reason her middle name is Jean. In fact, I call her “Momma Jean” when she is barking orders at her older brothers. But most of all, you would love her hugs. There’s nothing like them on this planet. 

As the years have rolled on, I have always remembered our long Evansville summer days, with their oppressive heat and occasional thunderstorms. I am reminded of lunches we had at Don Mattingly’s restaurant, followed by our movie of choice at the theatre next door. I cannot remember many of the films we saw, but I always felt like those days were the best. Especially when we somehow got to sit inside the boxing ring at Don Mattingly’s! 

I recently gave the boys some of my old Don Mattingly baseball cards. I cannot describe how much I missed you at that moment. 

I’ll never forget one of the last serious conversations we had in your garage. It was the summer of 2004, and I was trying to figure out what to do with my life. You patiently listened to me as you smoked your pipe. I went on and on about all the potential paths I could go down, and I asked you what I should do. You just looked at me and said something along the lines of, “Ah, I am sure you will figure it out. Work hard, and your parents will be proud.” I was admittedly annoyed that you did not give me any kind of concrete guidance. But now, all these years later, I realize the wisdom in what you said. Sometimes the simple approach of working hard clears the path to which path is best. You knew that a person’s identity isn’t found in a particular path but in the ethics of the person on that path. 

Your identity will always be Papa to me. You were steady, consistent, loving, and fun.  

What I would do to have one more dinner at Evansville Country Club with JJ, you, and Sarah. 

Oh, how you would enjoy meeting Sarah. 

I miss you. 

Love, 

Alex

This coming week marks the 15th wedding anniversary for Sarah and me, so it’s the focus of my blog this week. 

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If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you know that I believe life is relational. The deepest relationships we have influence every other aspect of our life. I have discovered that getting my relationship right with Sarah positively impacts every other part of my life. Said bluntly, if someone finds me worth following, they can thank Jesus and then Sarah. 

Fifteen years ago, after giving an emotional speech to our wedding guests about my love for Sarah, my dad told me, “Now you have to go live it.” And for the past 15 years we have. 

What does it look like to “live” one’s love? I’ll share a few of our personal examples here. And as I’m sharing these, I’m thinking about two specific kinds of readers: already married leaders and those who may be thinking about getting married. If you’re the former, I hope this encourages you to maintain your marriage not only for its sake, but so that you can bring your best to work. And if marriage is on your horizon, I hope that even one idea below will help set you up for marital success. 

What have Sarah and I done that has positively impacted our marriage?

• We pray every night together. We started this while we were dating. We confess sins, honor God, ask for guidance, and give thanks. This is communication with God and between each other. It has entirely shaped our marriage and everything that follows below.
• We learned each other’s love language. When we were engaged, we read the classic book, The Five Love Languages. Okay, I confess that I thought the book was a silly idea. But through reading it, I discovered that my soon-to-be-wife felt more loved when I held her hand or gave her a hug than when I bought her fancy things. Thanks to the book, not only do I ensure I show her I love her in a way that feels like love to her — but just think of all the money I’ve saved! Just kidding. Kind of.
• Hug your spouse often. As one guest wrote on our wedding picture, “Big kisses, every day!”
• Celebrate a random day of the night with a glass of wine. During our dating life we shared “Tuesday night date nights” and still do.
• Set boundaries. Call me old-fashioned, but I am not alone with the opposite sex unless it is for work and Sarah knows them.
• Be accountable. If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know I strive to be accountable for every aspect of my life. The first thing I talk to my accountability partner about is my marriage. Hiding in marriage is not healthy.
• We always resolve conflict quickly. I can remember some of our arguments, but I can honestly say that I NEVER remember one carrying over to the following day. Settle it quickly. Everyone loses when it carries over. Everyone loses. Get it?
• Have a vision for your marriage. Cliche? I do not think so. I want to be the guy telling his great-great-grandkids to bring Sarah flowers when I am at my end. We share Grandma and Grandpa’s anniversary, so why not share their vision?
• Remember. Always remember. I will never forget randomly meeting up with Sarah again on Lincoln Avenue in downtown Chicago — or driving back to Chicago from Evansville, Indiana after my Papa’s funeral so I could try to win her back— then working the next month to get my shot with her and telling her we would get married if we got back together. Spoiler alert: we did! And I will tell the whole story some other time. Stay tuned!
• Share your love. Tell them you love them, and use words. Repeat daily.
• Talk about your love life. (Mom, please feel free to skip this one!) Talk about your expectations. I know this may sound unromantic, but your needs are probably different from theirs. Making sure you’re aligned here can help you avoid unnecessary resentment. For example, I’m tired of playing golf with guys who complain about this aspect of their life. Or worse, guys who give marriage a bad rap because they don’t have the guts to talk about their needs and wants with their wife. My love life is great, and that’s because we talk about it.
• Talk about money too. I do not make a big purchase without Sarah’s approval. She does the same. Avoiding conflict here is wise.
• CELEBRATE the big moments. Like this one. 

Do Sarah and I have a perfect marriage? Of course not. But I will say that a lot of intentionality goes into the great marriage that we have. I am a better person because of Sarah. There is no one I would rather be with. 

Thank you, Lord. 

I love you, Sarah.