Personal Growth

What’s the difference between feeling “busy” and “overwhelmed?”

To illustrate the difference, think of your parents. Were they busy? As busy as you are today? How often did they ever use the word “overwhelmed?”

Personally, I don’t remember my parents describing themselves as overwhelmed back in the 1980s and 90s. Perhaps they were at times? I am positive that they were just as busy as I am today (seriously, there were not less hours in each day in 1980-something), but were they overwhelmed?

To answer that question, we have to understand what being overwhelmed is.

What do we mean when we say that we are overwhelmed? A lot of people would describe feeling overwhelmed by pointing to symptoms of busyness: too much to do on their to-do list, not knowing where to start, etc. But, this is busyness. Feelings of overwhelmed, however, deal with attention.

Attention, like time, is a limited resource. Similar to time, it is renewed each morning when we are naturally energetic, but it dissipates throughout the day. Feelings of overwhelm are on the rise because we have we had so many things fighting for our attention resources. Or, to once again use my parents as an example, while I think they were just as “busy” 30 years ago as we are now, they were certainly less distracted. How do I know? They, too, struggle with using their phones when they are around our kids (sorry, mom and dad).

I am writing about this because I often hear “victimhood” in people’s voices when describing their feeling over being overwhelmed. In fact, I hear it in my voice as well at times…

The reality is that the days have not gotten longer. Nor, have the weeks grown to 9 days.  We may be “insanely busy,” we may get too much email, work may be invading home, and home invading work. But none of these things are the problem. The problem is that we poorly allocate our attention resources. No one is forcing us to distract ourselves. No one is forcing us to check email around the clock. No one is forcing us to answer every interruption at work.

This may sound harsh, but we have done this to ourselves.

There is hope, however.

The next time we, or our teams, say that we feel overwhelmed, the response should be to ask:  Where are we placing our focus?  To what (or whom) are we giving our finite amount of attention? We are not victims! In fact, whether we realize it or not, we have control over this.

A thought to consider: What are you stopping so that you can focus on what matters? At work, what can you stop doing so that you can make more progress on your actual to-do list (the prioritized one, not the one containing 84 things of equal importance). Some things simply matter more than others, and those are the things we need to focus on!

(Note: If you can’t decipher what matters, you may need to do something extreme, like fasting from all inputs for a period, so that you can regain clarity. Inputs are not evil, but too many will drown out your thinking, which you will need to prioritize what really matters from what does not.  Remember, too, that things that are urgent are not always important; and things that are important aren’t always urgent—that doesn’t mean they should get ignored!)

The point is that feeling overwhelmed is a solvable problem.

While I can’t speak for you, this realization has helped me realize that technology, to-do lists, and other symptoms are not the problem when I feel overwhelmed.

I am.

(Need a tool to help you manage your attention?  I highly recommend Michael Hyatt’s “Full Focus Planner.”  It will help you focus on your top 3 priorities each day, and each week.  I continue to get positive feedback from those who have adopted it.  Likewise, the planner continues to help me as well).

Last year, my sister found the following biographical data in our archives:

“It is believed that Matthias Hoffer came to America seeking religious freedom. He came to America on the ship, “Loyal Judith” via Cowes and Rotterdam.  He landed at Philadelphia on September 2, 1743.

By trade he was a weaver of fancy over-lids, but was forced to take such employment as he could find. Mr. Wohlweider, a wealthy Lancaster County farmer hired him as a farm hand.

The choice of job proved to be a happy one for Matthias married the farmer’s only daughter, Maria.  She is described as an amiable and estimable young woman. They had six sons and six daughters: Maria, Rudolph, Catharine, Elizabeth, Veronica, Ann, John, George, Magdalena, Matthias, John, and Christian.

Maria died of smallpox contracted from Hessian soldiers quartered in their home the winter of 1778 when Washington and his half-starved army were camped at Valley Forge.

On Novemeber 3, 1779, Matthias married Anna Groh with whom he had six more children: Maria, David, Jacob and Henry (twins), Peter, and Joseph.

Matthias died at an old age, a man of wealth and influence. He was buried in a “farm grave-yard” such as are common in Lancaster County.  His tomb is located several miles east of Manheim.”

Freedom.

Happy Anniversary.

I recently heard Jason Fried, CEO of Basecamp, talk about how he intentionally misses out on information so that he can increase his focus on matters of importance. Instead of the oft-used “FOMO” (Fear of Missing Out), Fried has coined the acronym “JOMO” (Joy of Missing Out) in its place. For example, Fried no longer monitors the news during the day. Rather, he reads an actual newspaper each morning (remember those?). This enables Fried to “joyfully miss out” on the latest news throughout the day. After all, the newspaper sums up the major events the next morning anyways, so why do we need to follow it in real-time?

If you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you know by now that the topic of attention fascinates me as a leader. It fascinates me because I care about people. I don’t want our team members being available all the time because every one needs breaks and rest. I also don’t want them being distracted by their work when they are with their families (and new grandchildren!). Of course I’d like our company to improve its efficiency and be less distracted as well. Duh. But, the human toll is what concerns me most. Too much information is being processed, and burnout is on the rise. While I can’t prove it, my hunch is that we are attempting to process too much, and in the process our attention is becoming more scattered.

JOMO is a new perspective to consider. I like it because it reframes the debate: could there be joy in missing out? That’s something rarely considered. I’m going to find out. Without further ado, here are a few ways I am working at implementing JOMO into my daily routine. After reviewing what I am doing, I challenge you to consider your own regime. What can you give up — joyfully — so that you can increase your attention and focus?

My changes:
-I have changed my notification settings on my iPhone. I have turned off all sounds, and “badge app icons,” and “show on lock screen.” I only allow notifications to be displayed in my “history” as “banners.” This means that I have to seek out information instead of getting the vibrating “jolt” I used to get. I realize this is only a baby step, but so far the practice has gifted me extra focus.

-I still allow for “reminders” and “calendar alerts” so that I don’t have to remember things. I mention because you don’t want to be distracted by remembering simple tasks. Automate when you can.

-I joyfully miss out on responding back to texts immediately. I don’t know if my friends appreciate this, but I no longer feel guilty about it.

-The next step is to “silence” text messages altogether. Upon posting this article, I am taking that plunge.

-I have started to place my phone on the table – ten feet away from me – when my wife and I have our “couch time” together after the kids go to bed. Because of what I am doing above, the only reason my phone vibrates is that someone is calling me. Our conversations have already gotten better.

-I am working at only using one electronic device at a time (one study claims that 88% of people watch T.V. And surf their iPhone at the time. As Curt Steinhorst says, “We can’t even focus on what used to distract us!”). I am doing this to exercise my attention muscles. Who knew watching the NFL, while NOT monitoring fantasy stats, could be good for my health?

-When a team member comes in to chat, I am turning OFF my computer screen. If it is on, I am tempted to check my email.

-Speaking of email, I am batching my email like I am forced to do when I travel internationally. This means that instead of monitoring it all day, I am processing and responding at given times throughout the day (of all these, this is the biggest work in progress).

-When I am tempted to text or email, I am picking up the phone and calling people more regularly than I used to. Why is this JOMO? It is JOMO because phone calls give me the joy of real communication instead of relying on digital. It also reaps the rewards of real connectivity, as opposed to perceived connectivity. Finally, it forces me to be more thoughtful in my responses, rather than “firing off another email.”

-I am rarely checking my social feeds unless I have to post a blog (Monday and Thursday morning), or alone on the road (a cheap connectivity thrill when I feel lonely and could use the jolt of dopamine that social media gifts). In fact, I have found social media to be a healthy “reward” when I don’t rely on in 24/7. Everything in moderation folks!

-I am reading print as much as possible (physical books over kindle and audible books, magazines over digital magazines, and eventually the physical WSJ over the digital version (I am too cheap to throw away the digital subscription I currently have!). I have discovered that focus and retention dramatically increases when I read hard copy.

You can decide if any of the above work for you. The point is two-fold: Consider lessening distracting inputs yourself, so that you can improve your own focus. And secondly, encourage and challenge your teammates to do likewise.

The benefit may be two of the greatest joys in the world…some unexpected free time and improved relationships!

I wanted to hide.

I wanted to get away, or be anywhere but there.

“There” was earlier this month at our golf club’s “Invitational Tournament.” I was playing with a friend. Like everyone else, I wanted to play my best at this event.

But, as the event approached, I noticed a twitch in my hands. This soon began affecting my “pitch” shots. Suddenly, I noticed my hands jabbing at normal shots that required any sort of “touch.” The worst part about it was I could not stop it. In fact, the more I tried, the worse it got. (A lesson all too familiar to those of us who golf!).

Friday featured 27 holes. On the first hole, I hit a good drive, but chunked an easy wedge to the green. Here it comes, I thought…But, I was able to hit a good shot to the green, make the putt, and win the hole. I was convinced that I had gotten past this ordeal!

If only.

The next 26 holes were excruciating. When I missed greens, and I missed more than I hit, I had no “touch.” While my score was ok the middle 9 holes–when my short game was never tested–I knew the issue was still lingering, even toying with my consciousness. I felt off overall. Feelings of nervousness and anxiety abounded. And it began affecting everything. On the second hole, I lost a tee shot right out of bounds–something I rarely do. Then it came….  To golfers, the word starts with a “Y” and I am not writing it here. Call it superstition, but a golfer is never going to write a certain “Y” word.

The worst part, and why I just wanted to dig a hole and hide, is that golf is public. I felt I was letting my partner down (he’s too kind to ever be anything but supportive, so this was my issue). Moreover, I was doing this in front of a peer (our opponent) that I had not seen in about 20 years. What would he think? My thoughts imagined that he must think that I am pathetic. That my game stinks. That I am lousy at everything. Of course, he is also too nice to think such things.

I am always harder on myself than others are. Can you relate to that?

Embarrassing. That’s the word that continued to echo through my mind that day.  I probably heard it inside my mind 948 times.

Ok, maybe it was only 594 times. I lost count.

Fast forward to that night. I could not sleep. My mind told me that even that was “embarrassing.”

We did have another 18 the next day. So, I got out of bed and prayed. If this sounds weird, hang on for a second. It is probably not what you think. Here is what I prayed for: I prayed that God would help me stop focusing on myself. Fear always leads me to self-centered thoughts. Not only was I a lousy host to my partner that day, I had failed to ask our opponents any meaningful questions throughout the day. So, I began by acknowledging this and asking for forgiveness. I also asked for strength to repent (this is a word that is religious, but easy to understand. Think of it being what you do when you turn your car around when you are lost and driving to the accurate location–the turning around is repenting). I asked for perspective. This is only golf after all! I also prayed that I would have the strength to be okay with whatever came the next day. I also reminded myself of these truths — Life is more than performance. God’s word reminds me that my identity is not tied to me. It is not tied to work, performance, or satisfying my ego. In fact, I am called to lay down my life (all of it, but especially my own self-interests) and follow Him so that I can fully love others as I want to be loved myself.

I was doing none of that…

So, as I closed my prayer time, I thanked God–as hard as this was to do in the moment–for allowing me to experience these failures publicly so that I could be re-centered on what really mattered.

Failure often does this for me.

I also thanked Him for the things that mattered most in my life (note, my golf game did not make that “cut”).

Contrary to my thoughts the day prior, the sun did come up the next morning. I began my pre-round practice session by hitting what felt like 20 ground balls at, not on, the chipping green. I told my partner that I needed to go to a psyche ward. And then I did something unintentional, but what ended up being strategic: I laughed about it.

When was the last time you laughed off your own insecurity or fear?

Back to me one last time. After laughing, I gave in and tried a new grip. Finally, I began hitting some good shots. I then told myself that I was going to focus on the only thing I could control that day: my attitude.

Maybe my grin is cheesy, but I committed to smiling more that day.

I wish I could tell you that my partner and I made a dramatic comeback and won the tournament later that day. We did not.

However, I played much better. I even hit several good “pitch” shots.

Most importantly, I got out of my self and had a good time with my partner and opponents. In fact, we closed the afternoon having lunch with the team that beat us on the last hole (we were very generous to them in our match, much to their delight!).

I share this experience because it reminded me that public failure is agonizing, even when it is “only golf.” The next time it might be public speaking, or a big work project. The only thing I can be sure of is that there will be a next time.

And the truth is, but there will be a time for you as well.

Therefore, the next time you want to hide, the next time you want to cry, the next time you want to simply give up…

Remember to smile.

Remember to get outside of yourself and connect with others.

And remember that there is no such thing as a pain-free existence in the broken world we live in. Business aside, we all know someone struggling with cancer, there are vast injustices in the world, and there really are people starving in Africa. One does not have to look far to realize this world is not right.

Therefore, maintain perspective. Is what you are going through really life or death?

And if it is, let me know.

I will pray for you.

I will connect with you.

This does not guarantee you will get better. The cross, after all, had to still be endured.

But, you won’t be alone.

(Maybe it is my ego, but I feel compelled to note that the root cause of my hand issue ended up being a physical one–relating to supplements I was taking for acid reflux– and not a mental one. This was a lesson in itself as it reminded me that I need to extend more grace to those dealing with physical calamities at work and elsewhere. Thus, I feel like it is worth mentioning here.)

A month ago, Will (7 as of today!) called for Sarah from his bedroom upstairs. It was about ten minutes after he went to bed. The kids seem to always call for “mom,” which is not surprising, but I decided to give Sarah this time off. Up I went….

Will was not pleased to see me. The boys never are when they want mom. I am the “gluten free” version of their favorite bread – good to push around and play with, but not comforting whatsoever.

I asked Will what the deal was. “I’m scared,” he said. As any parent knows, this is a common refrain from kids. So, you have to decipher if this is real fear, or the kind the child conjures up to delay going to bed or delay some other duty. It became clear quickly that this time, Will was actually scared about something.

He could not put into words what it was — perhaps it was something he saw earlier in the day, I don’t know, but, knowing our son, I could just tell this was different. Maybe it was the long day, maybe it was the parenting podcast I had listened to earlier in the day, but I decided to handle the situation differently than I had before. As I sat on Will’s bed, I told him, “I get scared sometimes too.”

“Adults get scared?” he asked.

Yes they do.

I then explained to Will that fear is a feeling. It is not a bad or good thing, it is just a feeling. I often feel that feeling before I go to the doctor’s office for a big check up, or before a big flight to Europe — especially when the weather is questionable. Of course, some people call it by a different name, but in reality it is fear. The point about fear is that we work up the courage to act anyway.

By the time I was done explaining this, Will was already going to sleep. It was like all he needed to know was that it was okay to feel fear, and even better to know that Dad feels it too.

A couple weeks later we were at the local swimming pool. It was our big outing prior to my 7-day European business trip. Sarah had built this day up for the kids and had been encouraging Will to go on the new water slide with me for the first time. Always a little timid, he was not sure about it.

As we walked up the stairs to the slide, he was clutching my hand. Leaning in, I told him, “you’re going to feel fear up there. Even I will. But, we are going to have fun going down that slide, especially the bump in the middle that will bounce us into the air.” With that, he grinned.

And the smile I saw a few moments later, as our tube entered the lazy river upon completion of the slide, carried me all the way to Europe!

The next time you feel fear, realize it is only a feeling.

Ride the slide anyway!

I did not sleep well last night.

I was thinking about the inefficiency of one of our departments, the leader’s lack of attention to it, and how I would fix it.

I was thinking about our family’s jam-packed fall schedule and the pressure I feel to keep scheduling events.

I was thinking about my own insecurities as I work on making business travel more sustainable long-term. What will the team think?

I was thinking about this blog. How can I make it more useful for the reader? Will I get push-back for being more open about my faith? Does that matter?

I woke up groggy at 4:57 a.m. I said my prayer, drank my protein shake, and headed to the gym. A police officer was driving through our neighborhood, which never happens, and he was only driving 13 MPH.

It was 5:17 a.m. Nobody goes 13 MPH.

Nobody is even up at that time.

My mind began racing again:

Really dude? REALLY? That’s all I could think at first (or at least it is all I feel comfortable sharing here).

Then: I’m going to be late to work. I won’t have time to write a blog post 43 people might read. I am not going to have time to walk our floor prior to our 8 a.m.meeting. That team will think I don’t care. I’m such a failure for thinking about this stuff!

Why is this guy really still going 13 MPH??? Thank Jesus that he just turned left! Isn’t that what Jesus would care about this morning?

Get it together man.

I made it to the gym after hitting every stop light en route.

This also ticked me off. Who programs the lights? It is 5:29 a.m. now.

Maybe I am crazy, but I pray out loud in these situations. I confessed to God that I was in a major hurry. I confessed that I was self-centered, that I often vent – otherwise known as gossip – to my wife and others about the issues I see at work. Worst, I confessed that I often am a coward because I don’t have the conversation with the person I have the issue with.

As I lifted weights, I realized what this kind of thinking was. My wife won’t approve of this terminology, but this kind of thinking is nothing more than a “mind turd.”

I know, this is a juvenile, and gross, expression.

But, so is this kind of thinking. And so is the kind of person I become when I think this way.

Not only are these expressions not productive, like the excrement left by the neighbor dog in the yard, these expressions leave brown spots in my mind. They produce nothing more than anxiety, anger, stress, bitterness, hurriedness, and selfishness.

If I am not careful, and if I dwell on these mind turds long enough, I begin acting like a turd myself.

So, why not call this what it is?

Why not change?

Why not get perspective?

Why not create habits of mind that will produce something healthy and green?

Like I learned earlier, it always begins choosing to think differently.

The next time you are in a similar situation, flush.

And start anew.

(Postscript: I still made it to work at 7:30 a.m., and by then I was fired up and in a positive frame of mind. Thank goodness, I caught myself, reset, and refused to bring the turds with me to the office and dump them on that lawn!)