A Couple of Ways to Make Work…More Sane?
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I get scared sometimes too…
A month ago, Will (7 as of today!) called for Sarah from his bedroom upstairs. It was about ten minutes after he went to bed. The kids seem to always call for “mom,” which is not surprising, but I decided to give Sarah this time off. Up I went….
Will was not pleased to see me. The boys never are when they want mom. I am the “gluten free” version of their favorite bread – good to push around and play with, but not comforting whatsoever.
I asked Will what the deal was. “I’m scared,” he said. As any parent knows, this is a common refrain from kids. So, you have to decipher if this is real fear, or the kind the child conjures up to delay going to bed or delay some other duty. It became clear quickly that this time, Will was actually scared about something.
He could not put into words what it was — perhaps it was something he saw earlier in the day, I don’t know, but, knowing our son, I could just tell this was different. Maybe it was the long day, maybe it was the parenting podcast I had listened to earlier in the day, but I decided to handle the situation differently than I had before. As I sat on Will’s bed, I told him, “I get scared sometimes too.”
“Adults get scared?” he asked.
Yes they do.
I then explained to Will that fear is a feeling. It is not a bad or good thing, it is just a feeling. I often feel that feeling before I go to the doctor’s office for a big check up, or before a big flight to Europe — especially when the weather is questionable. Of course, some people call it by a different name, but in reality it is fear. The point about fear is that we work up the courage to act anyway.
By the time I was done explaining this, Will was already going to sleep. It was like all he needed to know was that it was okay to feel fear, and even better to know that Dad feels it too.
A couple weeks later we were at the local swimming pool. It was our big outing prior to my 7-day European business trip. Sarah had built this day up for the kids and had been encouraging Will to go on the new water slide with me for the first time. Always a little timid, he was not sure about it.
As we walked up the stairs to the slide, he was clutching my hand. Leaning in, I told him, “you’re going to feel fear up there. Even I will. But, we are going to have fun going down that slide, especially the bump in the middle that will bounce us into the air.” With that, he grinned.
And the smile I saw a few moments later, as our tube entered the lazy river upon completion of the slide, carried me all the way to Europe!
The next time you feel fear, realize it is only a feeling.
Ride the slide anyway!
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Be Quick To Listen
Writing to believers in the early Church, James wrote these words in the opening chapter of his letter: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).
I have been pondering these words a lot lately. Many of the leadership books I have read the last few years have had similar pieces of advice in them. Let me be honest, being quick to listen is hard for me. It is hard because I am full of my own opinions and ideas. Therefore, everything in me wants to listen, but I struggle immensely with being fast to speak. When this is the case, am I really listening? I’m not when I am formulating what I am going to say next.
Can you relate?
While James is speaking to a wide audience, this directive carries significant weight for leaders. Because when the leader talks, people get quiet. Furthermore, when the conversation grows tense, the leader’s words can carry even more weight than they normally do. The leader can even stifle idea creation, teamwork, and discussion, just by speaking at the wrong time.
And what about anger? Angry outbursts are obviously detrimental, but sometimes if we fail to control our anger toward others, it sneaks out in more passive-aggressive ways. James, the writer of the letter, goes on to advise his readers about the tongue a few chapters later. Isn’t it ironic, he says, that supposed Christians offer praise to God and then speak evil of their brothers (James 3:9)? As humans, this struggle continues 2,000 years later —and sadly, Christians are not exempt.
I am not exempt.
As a leader, have I said all the right things publicly about our team and then spoken evil about individuals behind their backs? Have I not demonstrated real love by setting up time to speak directly with them, rather than talking to a third party about them?
I wish I could say that I am past that kind of juvenile behavior. At times, however, I am not.
This is my confession. I am owning it, and working on it.
Back once more to the verse at the opening: How secure do you feel in meetings? In other words, do you feel confident enough that you can be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry?
Or, do you feel threatened when a co-worker disagrees with you?
Do you feel confident enough of your own standing to allow others to share their input, and possibly get the credit?
Or, do you have to always be right and in the spotlight?
These are questions everyone reading this post should consider and reflect upon.
I am.
In closing, I challenge leaders like myself to take an additional step and model this kind of behavior. Trust me, it is hard. It is hard to let others speak, it is hard to stay calm in the midst of a tense situation.
But everyone is watching. Our actions will demonstrate what kind of behavior is acceptable within our organizations.
Let’s choose wisely.
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Confessions About Mind Turds
I did not sleep well last night.
I was thinking about the inefficiency of one of our departments, the leader’s lack of attention to it, and how I would fix it.
I was thinking about our family’s jam-packed fall schedule and the pressure I feel to keep scheduling events.
I was thinking about my own insecurities as I work on making business travel more sustainable long-term. What will the team think?
I was thinking about this blog. How can I make it more useful for the reader? Will I get push-back for being more open about my faith? Does that matter?
I woke up groggy at 4:57 a.m. I said my prayer, drank my protein shake, and headed to the gym. A police officer was driving through our neighborhood, which never happens, and he was only driving 13 MPH.
It was 5:17 a.m. Nobody goes 13 MPH.
Nobody is even up at that time.
My mind began racing again:
Really dude? REALLY? That’s all I could think at first (or at least it is all I feel comfortable sharing here).
Then: I’m going to be late to work. I won’t have time to write a blog post 43 people might read. I am not going to have time to walk our floor prior to our 8 a.m.meeting. That team will think I don’t care. I’m such a failure for thinking about this stuff!
Why is this guy really still going 13 MPH??? Thank Jesus that he just turned left! Isn’t that what Jesus would care about this morning?
Get it together man.
I made it to the gym after hitting every stop light en route.
This also ticked me off. Who programs the lights? It is 5:29 a.m. now.
Maybe I am crazy, but I pray out loud in these situations. I confessed to God that I was in a major hurry. I confessed that I was self-centered, that I often vent – otherwise known as gossip – to my wife and others about the issues I see at work. Worst, I confessed that I often am a coward because I don’t have the conversation with the person I have the issue with.
As I lifted weights, I realized what this kind of thinking was. My wife won’t approve of this terminology, but this kind of thinking is nothing more than a “mind turd.”
I know, this is a juvenile, and gross, expression.
But, so is this kind of thinking. And so is the kind of person I become when I think this way.
Not only are these expressions not productive, like the excrement left by the neighbor dog in the yard, these expressions leave brown spots in my mind. They produce nothing more than anxiety, anger, stress, bitterness, hurriedness, and selfishness.
If I am not careful, and if I dwell on these mind turds long enough, I begin acting like a turd myself.
So, why not call this what it is?
Why not change?
Why not get perspective?
Why not create habits of mind that will produce something healthy and green?
Like I learned earlier, it always begins choosing to think differently.
The next time you are in a similar situation, flush.
And start anew.
(Postscript: I still made it to work at 7:30 a.m., and by then I was fired up and in a positive frame of mind. Thank goodness, I caught myself, reset, and refused to bring the turds with me to the office and dump them on that lawn!)
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Why Our ERP Implementation Went Well
We recently implemented a new ERP (enterprise resource planning) system. While the team continues to work on minor glitches, here are the reasons the implementation went well (and I had NOTHING to do with it!).
1. We hired an expert.
Our strategic planning team decided the time had come to implement a new ERP system a few years ago. A few on our team, including me, were hesitant to actually go through with the implementation for all the right reasons (the toll on the people, the risks associated with it, and the overall complexity). This all changed when one of our team members discovered a former acquaintance was a “free agent.” This person had tremendous experience in implementing ERP systems, so we pursued and hired them. At the outset, we made ERP implementation this person’s primary job function. They got the team on board, helped us pick a good system, and worked diligently with my sister, Gretchen, to ready the organization. In retrospect, hiring this individual was an incredibly smart thing for us to do. We aren’t that smart all the time, and often fall victim to not hiring the expert because we are concerned, rightfully, about increased overhead. This is a reminder that hiring the expert is sometimes worth the expense.
2. We empowered the bench.
Besides hiring the superstar, we empowered several people in the organization to step up. We even created a new role for one individual, an idea which was initially met with some resistance. Ironically, as the months went by (we planned this implementation for 12 months), this individual received some of the highest praise in the organization. Their energy, positivity, and willingness to work around-the-clock was infectious. What it taught us was that empowering the bench always uncovers hidden talent. In fact, my guess is that everyone reading this blog has some undiscovered talent on their bench. So, why not empower people on your team?
3. The rest of us let the team do their thing.
I work very closely with my two sisters. As I mentioned above, the ERP implementation team ultimately reports up to the person we hired to take the lead (our expert), and my sister Gretchen. My other sister, Charlotte, and I were not part of that team. Nor were some of the other people on our executive strategic planning team. Instead of muddying the water, or staying involved so we felt important, we allowed the team do what it needed to do. In fact, we focused on doing the one thing Gretchen asked us to do: we always talked about the ERP launch from a positive viewpoint. As leaders, we wanted to be supportive realizing that the launch would be difficult, and we did not want to add negativity to an already complex launch. This kind of support does not cost anything, and only requires a little discipline. Most importantly, it communicates support, and belief, to the team doing the hard work.
I’m sure there were other reasons the launch succeeded. The ERP system that we implemented, IQMS, also had a terrific team that helped us throughout the launch. They deserve credit, and mention, too.
So do all the people I am not mentioning above – people in every department at Hoffer Plastics. Without ALL OF THEM, all the above simply would not have mattered. We never take their energy, effort, and attention to detail for granted. THANK YOU TO EVERYONE!
On a personal level, this experience reminded me that I don’t have to be part of everything going on in the business. Notice that “being a part,” is different from “being on board,” and “being supportive.” The latter two are non-negotiable.
I also learned, again, how important hiring an expert is. Further, I was reminded that we have hidden talent throughout the organization. Thus, it is my job to present opportunities to uncover such talent!
I hope these lessons help you when your organization launches its next initiative.
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Everyone Needs Friends (Including Leaders!)
One of the things that bugs me is how isolated we are becoming as a society. Don’t get me wrong—we assume that we are more connected than ever in the age of Facebooking, Fortnight gaming, and hosts of other ways to be “connected.” As adult business leaders, we all agree: kids relying on these forms of connection aren’t really connected at all.
Neither are we.
What happened to genuine friendships?
(Stop right now and ask yourself who is your closest friend? When was the last time you had extended uninterrupted time with them? How did that make you feel?)
We all need friends. Two recent stories suffice here.
As I have mentioned before, Sarah and I lead a couples community group at our church. A few weeks back, one of the men texted the other men asking for prayer. He served in Afghanistan and Iraq, and experienced things unimaginable for the rest of us. The night prior to this request, he had reconnected with a fellow soldier who was in a bad spot. This reality was torturing his psyche. Upon receiving this text message, I called him up. I know this is probably weird to some reading this post, but I just called to pray – right there on the phone. Regardless of your beliefs around prayer, you can’t deny that we connected through that conversation. It was not as good as eyeball to eyeball, but he knew I—and the rest of the group—was there for him.
He had a friend.
A week later I was in the Netherlands. Jet-lagged, enduring persistent acid reflux symptoms, and beyond tired, I was struggling. It was about 7 p.m. at night and my attitude was toxic. “Hey bud, just want you to know I am praying for you right now,” read the text from my friend Larry. I had seen Larry a few days prior at our local Starbucks and I had told him about the upcoming trip, and my ongoing struggle with acid reflux. As corny as it may sound, that text message provided a jolt of encouragement at the right time. Yes, it would have been better to have seen someone in person, but like my friend above, just knowing someone was “with me” made all the difference.
Life is not supposed to be an isolation game.
We have communities for a reason.
I challenge you to consider who you can build into…
And who can build into you…
It is a two-way street, as all relationships should be.
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Stop Giving Others the Power
Last Thursday I wrote about forgiveness and how it sets you free. Today, I want to write about one of the biggest issues I continue to observe in our modern-day culture: Our willingness to give others power over us.
Do any of these get your blood pumping:
Your “friend” from high school —that you have not physically seen in 20 years — goes on a Facebook diatribe about the Supreme Court vacancy, and they happen to have the complete opposite view that you have.
Your neighbor has a huge party, and you are not invited.
At a highly-attended conference, you see a friend in the industry. They tell you all sorts of things about your competitors: the good, the bad, the ugly…
Admittedly, a lot of the above gets my blood pumping.
And it shouldn’t.
Why do we allow others to have power over us?
Your friend is allowed to their opinion, your neighbors can invite who they want (what if it is a family gathering?), and what does the condition of your competitor have to do with you? (Note: Competitive intelligence is a good thing so long as it is a “head” and not “heart” thing. It should be easy to discern the difference).
This topic is as old as time itself. But with the invention of new ways to get people pissed off —which is what social media sort of feels like at this point —it is important for us to get a grip.
Who cares what the politician is tweeting?
More importantly, do we have the guts to get past juvenile lunchroom behavior (i.e. I am only sitting with my group) and have real conversations (off social media!)?
Each of these instances lose their emotional power over us when we make the choice to deprive them of that power.
I’ll end with an example that some will disagree with. I want to preface this by saying that I could care less about when athletes travel to the White House. I’d like to see more coverage on our nightly news about the atrocities Boko Haram continues to inflict in Nigeria than about the next sports team forgoing a trip to the White House. I also believe in free speech and applaud athletes when they use theirs.
Having said all that, and being an observer, it blows my mind how much power the athletes have ceded to the current administration. If you truly want to change the direction of the country, why would you ever forgo a seat at the table? While I understand the point of view that the whole ordeal is a “charade,” there still is time to meet, shake hands, and speak.
Just imagine if the whole ordeal was so uncomfortable for the President that he was the one backing out? Who would have the power then?
(It bears repeating, I have no dog in this fight!).
My point simply is that we need to stop giving others the power. This may mean swallowing our pride. It will mean controlling our thoughts and emotions. But these are the ingredients to maintaining grip on our own life, instead of handing it to others.
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Who Do You Need to Forgive
“Forgiving is letting the captive free only to realize that the captive was you.”
The quote above has been attributed to several people (Smedes, Eldridge, assuredly others) and leads to the question I want to pose today:
Who do you need to forgive?
I was recently listening to a favorite parenting podcast about teaching your kids forgiveness. But my mind moved to work, as it often does. Like a slap in the face, I realized there was someone I was not forgiving.
Their actions were subtle. To be sure, they’re not immoral actions. Just enough to create tension. Or put more accurately, enough to hold me captive.
I am the problem.
Not them.
For I was allowing my perceptions of what they were doing to get under my skin. And the ugly thing is that, despite my best attempts to hide, this was producing in me all the kinds of things that I write about on this blog: gossip, discontentment, frustration —which is the politically correct way of saying I was pissed off.
In the next post, I am going to turn to anger and how becoming the captive—not forgiving—gives the other person the power. But for now, I want to focus on forgiveness.
Forgiveness is releasing the grudge. It severs the anchor and releases the ship back to sea. It allows you to steam ahead to the future.
Forgiveness is not forgetting. In fact, forgiveness is a more intense version of remembering than it is forgetting. It simply remembers in the proper context: This happened. I felt this way. I contributed this to the situation—we are always culpable to a certain extent. And still, it releases the feelings of anger, bitterness, and the necessity to have a bottle of antacid by us at all times.
To be sure, it is not magic. Like water, it is best to consume daily. And when the temperature is turned up, it is best to have a big jug of it with you at all times.
The only question left to ask is who do you need to forgive?
Stop whatever you are doing and write that name down.
Set yourself free.
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