There are some days in life that I will never forget, and 9/11 was one of them.
We all have our stories.
I was shaving when my fraternity brother told me what was happening. My sister was living in New York then — was she alright? Were the people stuck in the tower going to get out?
A little while later, I was at my first class of the day, an elective drama class. It was an all-time favorite class! But this day was that day. I will never forget the sound of one of my classmates sobbing — a girl whose name I have somehow forgotten all these years later. “Is my sister alive?” she wailed. Her sister worked near the World Trade Center.
In our drama class two days later, we learned that her sister was okay. And thankfully, my sister was okay too.
On vacation this summer, I learned a valuable lesson about failure and being hard on myself. I’m sharing it, hoping some of you can relate.
The Quintessential Father/Sons Fishing Trip
I wanted to take my sons Will and Ben out fishing. I did the appropriate research and landed on a company with great reviews. In my mind, the boys would have the time of their life. I was going to the #bestdadever!
We were all psyched as we pulled out of the harbor and headed to the fishing spot. I was not concerned until the boat headed to the open ocean. After all, this was not supposed to be “deep sea” fishing, so I did not know what the Captain was up to. Was he just giving us a glimpse of the open water?
“The Look”
A mile and a half into our journey, Will gave me “the look” that kids give. It is kind of like “the look” my wife gives, the kind that you don’t need to interpret. The kind that you immediately know there is a problem. Onward we went, however, for another 1.5 miles.
“Here we are at an old shipwreck,” the Captain said.
How cool is that, I thought? The waves, however, tossed me to the side of the boat like a little crumb falling from the ice cream cone my kids would eat later that day. My next thought was, “How long will this last?”
Kudos to the Captain regarding the volume of fish at the shipwreck. We caught fish after fish in the ~13 minutes we were there. The Captain even claimed I had a shark on my line for .23 seconds — the best .23 seconds of my life, an admission that would undoubtedly cause my wife to give me “the look.”
Ben’s “look” came next. “Dad, I don’t feel well.” It was at this moment that I went into sales mode. “Captain,” I said, “we have a problem.” Captain informed me that his experiences are about “reef” fishing, which I admittedly misinterpreted not to be “deep sea fishing.” I can occasionally hit 300-yard drives, but I have a “25” handicap for fishing. However, I don’t care who’s to blame when seasickness is on the line. I owned my mistake and said he was getting paid regardless, but we needed land in a hurry! After looking at Ben’s face, the Captain knew his mission had been redefined. I later learned that he’s happily married and understands “looks” too.
The Joy of Unexpected Delight
Ten minutes later, we were back in calmer waters, and the seas lessened considerably. The Captain asked Ben if he could fish there. Ben, of course, rebounded. The next few hours, we had fun fishing, although our success rate decreased considerably. And while we saw a small shark, none were hooked, much to my chagrin.
Then something happened that I did not expect. While moving from one spot to the next, the Captain let both boys have a turn at the helm. Both were legitimately excited, and Ben had us looping around like he wanted us to be sick this time. His smile is something that words simply can’t describe.
What Does this Experience Make Possible?
As I retell this story, however, I have to confess something. During this moment I did not feel like the morning had gone well. I am embarrassed to admit that when Sarah asked how the morning went, I said it was a failure. I felt like I had failed Will, Ben, my father-in-law who had joined us, and even the Captain. Sarah reminded me that the Captain did not care as he was getting paid.
Isn’t it alarming how negativity prevented me from seeing what was really going on and also led me to think things were much worse than they were?
Ben, however, had rolled with the punches. He had lived out a credo I learned from Michael Hyatt, “What does this experience make possible?”
Ben got it.
I had missed it.
I learned that I am so hard on myself about parenting, leadership, golf, and just about everything — even planning a once-a-year, 1/2-day fishing experience. It would be like someone who never plays golf getting mad at themselves for hitting bad shots, an occurrence that happens all the time at my local golf course!
Yet, if I look for it — if you look for it — there is something good to find.
You have to look for it, not just what you had hoped for.
When Things Don’t Go According to Plan
The video of Ben driving that boat will be something I will think about when I am 80 years old. It never would have happened if we had sea legs and if things had gone to “Dad’s plan.”
A few days later, as the vacation wrapped up, my in-laws asked all 14 of us what our best moment was.
Ben’s? “Driving that boat.”
Writing this post made me realize it was mine, too.
You get to decide this week which glasses you want to put on — your Negative Glasses or your Gratitude Glasses. But before you choose, let me tell you a little bit more about the unique selling points (and potential pitfalls!) of each of these products:
Negative Glasses
Product features: These frames help you see everything in the worst possible way.
Potential side effects: Cynicism, hopelessness, negativity, pessimism, fatigue, stress, and anger.
Gratitude Glasses Product Features
Product features: These frames help you see everything in the best possible way. You see provision when it rains, wonder when it snows, and bountifulness in the summer.
Potential side effects: optimism, positivity, energy, peacefulness, joy, and possibly annoying grumpy people.
My son Will turns twelve today. Here is a letter to him:
Dear Will,
I suppose these letters all start the same, with me acknowledging how fast another year has gone by. While this won’t make sense until you are older, time seems to go faster when you are older. I used to think that was just because I was getting older and had more things to do. Now, however, I see that the real reason is value — the things and experiences I value tend to go by faster and faster.
Your childhood is almost gone. I suspect that you probably do not think of yourself in terms of being a “child,” and that is fair. But this time in your life is unique. It is a time filled with adventure and possibility. As the oldest, you might be tempted to hurry into more responsibility, your teenage years, and even adulthood. Give yourself permission to be a kid. Play with your sister, and take part in your brother’s fun games. You will have to work at this more when you are a 41 like me, so don’t lose sight of it now. And remind your dad to make time for laser tag or Nerf wars with the three of you from time to time!
While you are incredibly gifted with golf and baseball, I want to remind you that my love is not predicated on your sports performance. You can strike out 100 times in a row, hit 100 home runs, or shoot an incredibly low score (though you should chill out on beating Dad anytime soon — though secretly, I’m rooting for that day to happen!).
None of this impacts my love for you. I will tell you this a thousand more times over the next ten years, so I apologize in advance. I want you to do your best, be a great teammate, and be a good sport. Your performance is not, and never will, impact my love for you.
To this end, I want to challenge you on something I have struggled with all my life: “self-talk.” What I mean by that is how I talk about myself in my head. For example, I used to say horrible things to myself when I shot 90 or worse in competitive high school golf. For example:
“You suck.”
“You will never be as good as your dad was.”
“You are a failure.”
Get the idea?
My dad (your grandfather) never pressured me to be as good as he was at golf. Yet, I often believed the lie that my lack of national golf success was a failure in his eyes. Again, that was NOT on him, but it was a lie generated by my self-talk.
As I close, what I have learned more than anything from you this year is how to be resilient. I admire your ability to stay consistent emotionally, regardless of the circumstances. I think this is a quality you inherited from your mother. If things go wrong on the baseball field, you are not flustered. You just keep going on. This has inspired me as a leader this year because things have not always been easy with the economy we are in. That probably does not make sense to you now, but know you have reminded me to keep going back to the “pitching mound” every day in a business sense.
I am incredibly proud to be your dad. Your future is filled with possibilities. I pray that you continue to read God’s word and receive your identity in Jesus. This is a thought I was reminded of in church recently, so it bears repeating: You cannot find your identity. You can only receive it. I must confess that on too many days, I have chased finding it. But it was never meant to be found.
Jesus is your perfect Father. I am your very imperfect father. Being a Christian is recognizing that you cannot save yourself. While achievements are great, and progress is part of being a member of a productive society, no amount of achievement works in the end. There is always a gap, always a hole.
Therefore, I pray that you receive your identity as you enter your teen years.
You have nothing to prove to your earthly father.
You have nothing to prove to your Heavenly Father.
Stop defining yourself by what you think you aren’t.
Start defining yourself by who God says you are.
Scripture says:
“So God created mankind in his own image…” (Genesis 1:27)
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..” (Psalm 139:14)
“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)
You are utterly secure in God; “neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:39)
How Will You Define Yourself?
Here is the deal:
You can define yourself by what you think, what the world thinks, or in a lot of other ways.
Or you can redefine yourself with what scripture says.
My daughter turns seven today. Here is a letter to her.
Dear Sadie,
There is a movie I have written about on my blog before called “About Time” — someday in the future, I will watch it with you. At the end of the movie, there’s a moment where the father transports himself back to a time he spent with his young son on the beach. His son runs into the waves, plays, and laughs; it’s a perfect moment that the dad wants to remember about his son’s childhood.
There will come a time when I will think back to this year and remember you at this age. I will remember you dancing in our kitchen. I will remember your bright pink outfits. I will remember hearing you singing “Let It Go” in the shower. And I will certainly remember the warmth of you cuddling up next to me as we watched one of the lousy shows the boys picked for us to watch on TV.
There will come a time when I hope you begin to know how meaningful these moments have been to me. When I think of how uniquely special all three of you are, I can’t help but think of how unique your gentleness is — it has touched a deep part of me this year. Jesus talked about the faith of a child, and it is clear that his gentleness has been entrusted to you as a gift. Your gentleness is heavenly. So, share sparingly.
There will come a time when I have advice to offer in this letter, but not today. Today, keep twirling. Keep singing. Keep dancing. And when the harder times and lessons come, I advise you to fall back into these childhood habits. After all, you’ve taught me that it is better not to take life, or yourself, too seriously.
We actually are better off dancing.
To that end, there will also come a day when I look back and dream I could see my dancing seven-year-old one more time.
In the Hoffer household, every April through mid-July is Little League season! And as a veteran Little League parent, I’ve learned a few things over the years.
With that in mind, allow me to introduce my completely unofficial (and slightly tongue-in-cheek) rules for Little League parents.
Anticipate the weather being 30 degrees hotter or colder than the temp your weather app said it would be. Dress appropriately, even if that entails long underwear on Memorial Day weekend.
Eat whenever you can leading up to the game. If you need to eat lunch at 10AM or dinner at 4PM, do it. The concession stand hot dog is only good when you are near starvation — and all those who claim it is good are near starvation.
Do eat the concession stand popcorn. It somehow always tastes better at Little League.
The bathroom situation is like Illinois state politics. For the sake of everyone’s stomach, I’ll leave it at that.
Decide beforehand if “having fun” is REALLY what you believe. Every adult claims this is what it’s about, but only about 1% follow through on this belief after the first pitch is thrown.
Remember that the umpire is usually a teenager (in-house game) or volunteer adult (all-star/travel). Neither umpire for a living. Both are human and WILL make mistakes. Ask yourself if you would A. want to umpire and B. be any better at it? If you answer both “yes,” please sign up at your local Little League — we play games every season without an umpire and could use the help.
Obsess more over your kid’s handling of adversity than success. Hitting the home run may happen once or twice a career, but strikeouts will occur more often. So how Junior handles a strikeout, bad call, or any of the frustrations that come with baseball are the most applicable lessons of Little League.
Everyone knows that 99.99% of these kids are not destined for a career in the MLB. A good practice for most dads (and moms!) is to start the day repeating this statistic to themselves over and over. Seriously — repeat it over and over!
Yelling at kids in Little League is just as effective as yelling at your preferred news channel or your favorite team’s mediocre quarterback during the playoff game.
Yelling at coaches and/or making sarcastic remarks is similarly unhelpful. Respectfully, get off your butt and coach if you know everything.
If you’re coaching, however, remember that this is not game seven of the World Series. Elaborate signs, strategy, and the like make you look as petty as one of those politicians you are yelling at in rule #9.
Speaking of yelling: There is simply TOO MUCH yelling at Little League these days. Leave the yelling to the kids clamoring for ice cream or donuts.
Finally, a baker’s dozen donuts can single-handedly help a team come back from an 8-1 last-inning deficit. Don’t ask me how this happens, but I saw it with my own eyes at a tournament this season. Those kids chanted “Donuts! Donuts!” after the game ended. Now THAT is how every little league game should end!
Earlier this year, Craig Groeschel released a powerful podcast, “The Most Important Mindset You Need to Succeed.” In it, he talks about generational businesses and the differences from one generation to the next. Most companies don’t make it to the third generation — a reality I’ve often heard as a third-generation leader — so I was all ears to learn from Craig on this topic.
While I am not going to cover the entire podcast here (do yourself a favor and listen to it yourself), I will share that Craig’s “The Gen 1 Mindset” really resonated with me. Craig asserts that Generation 1 has an ownership mindset because they typically are the owners. This means they:
Think higher
See broader
Care deeper
Put plainly, Craig says that “owners obsess over what is the best for the organization.”
And that made me think.
Question for Thought
Do YOU obsess over what is best for the organization?
Yep, I’m asking you, the reader of this post.
Do you just have a job, or do you have a calling?
Are you the kind of leader that looks within and examines their leadership failures?
My Challenge to You
I am posing these questions as a wrap-up for topics I’ve discussed in Q2. I believe you need to have an ownership mentality — an obsession over what is best for the organization and its people — to be someone worth following.
I challenge you to take time this week to reflect.
What needs to become true for you to take an ownership stake so that you can think higher, see broader, and care deeper?
If I could do anything this 4th of July, it would be the same thing I would choose any other year: spend one more day with my Papa. He has been gone since 2005, and I always think of him on July 4th because his birthday was the following day.
Papa was a man who served in World War II, worked his entire life in his father-in-law’s pharmacy, and was an avid baseball fan. More importantly, he was married for 61 years to my grandmother and an amazing father and grandfather.
These characteristics are worth celebrating on July 4th:
Service
Our veterans demonstrate the American value of service at the highest level. “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13).
Work
Working the same job for decade after decade takes grit. Both of my grandfathers exhibited this kind of grit and along with millions of others, built the fabric of a country worth celebrating on July 4th.
Baseball
“People will come Ray. They’ll come to Iowa for reasons they can’t even fathom….The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it’s part of our past, Ray. It reminds us of all that once was good and it could be again.”
Although the above is fiction from the movie “Field of Dreams,” I often look at baseball and am reminded of the progress of America. Perfect? Of course, not. But a work in progress just like our national pastime.
Family
The most important of human relationships we have! America is best when we are best for those we most cherish. Building the family, keeping it secure, and making it a place of safety, frees people up to thrive. And this is worth celebrating on the 4th of July!
While July 4th may have been a week ago, I still wish all the readers of this blog a Happy Fourth of July. Treasure your family, and make some memories over the summer. I will do the same as I remember Papa and dream of watching one more baseball game with him.
Earlier this year, I had an extremely difficult day. I won’t go into the details but suffice it to say it was the hardest work day in 2023. I definitely could’ve used some encouragement that day — and when I awoke the next day, this message was at the forefront of my mind. I’m sharing it with you now in the hopes that if you find yourself needing encouragement, these words can offer you some solace and hope:
Don’t give up.
I know we have all heard that too many times before. But it still applies.
Your heart may tempt you that your circumstances need to change.
Your eyes may tempt you via social media that others have it better.
Your brain may tempt you that you do not have what it takes.
Your soul may tempt you that you need to give up.
Welcome to life.
Change yourself. This makes a bigger impact than changing your circumstances.
Celebrate others’ highlight reels while also realizing everyone has moments they would rather not publish on social media.
Believe better is possible. Reopen your brain for business!
And remind yourself of who and what has gotten you to this point.
Dancing on a Monday
As I write this, Monday is approaching — and I cannot wait.
Bring it on, and let’s dance.
I am not a good dancer, but we are dancing on Monday!
