Alex Hoffer

Learning From Conflicts

Leadership

I was eating cereal and reading Barron’s on a recent Sunday morning when my wife gave me the idea for this post. She was talking to my sister-in-law, who was also in the kitchen, about how our two daughters had been playing that weekend. Inevitably, our two daughters found small things to fight about over the weekend they spent together. My wife commented, “it is good for them to have conflicts because that is how they learn.” 

What immediately jumped to mind was what I said next. “If it is good for them to learn from conflicts, why do adults tend to spend their lives running from them?” 

Obviously, my statement is an over generalization as not every adult runs from conflict, but, my experience suggests that the vast majority of people do, especially in the workplace.

I lead a business with my two sisters and the three of us have equal positions in the company. Confronting them on something can be extremely difficult. I value the relationships I have with them outside work, so it can be tempting to not address an issue because I wrongly assume “conflict” will mean a disruption to our relationship —more on this below. Before moving on, however, it is important to clarify that my sisters and I do not even have major issues, just the ones all human beings have inside a workplace. Still, even issues that are relatively “minor” can be hard to confront.

I imagine my sisters rolling their eyes at the last paragraph because they have always been willing to listen to feedback. Here within lies the rub. The rub is the reality that the conflict, and especially the potential for major relationship disruption, is much bigger in one’s mind than it is in reality. Our mind tends to imagine the big blowup fight when we think of conflict. The reality, most of the time, is that nothing of the sort happens. 

If anything, what tends to happen is the resolution of conflict. 

For me, my subconscious fears some kind of fight depicted between family members in pop culture, perhaps a shouting match at a Thanksgiving dinner or some other family event. Thankfully, our holiday dinners are much more fun than fight! But, my fear can make me believe that I won’t get “seconds” if I have certain conversations at work. Of course, this is not true, and I have to continually remind myself that it is not. I also need to remind myself to do what I need to do, which is have the conversation. 

Remember, if a little conflict is good for two playmates, it is also good for us adults. 

Having conflict is obviously not easy. To that end, my sisters and I have spent considerable time working on how to have healthy conflict. For the last several years we have worked with a leadership coach who facilitates a quarterly meeting between the three of us. This forum gives us time and space to talk about our working relationships, the business, and just about everything else. While not every meeting revolves around having a “conflict conversation,” the time and space are there to do so if need be. You might not work with your siblings, but you do work closely with someone, or some group. Perhaps, you need to establish a time and place to regularly talk with them? If you are intentional, this time could turn into the “safe place” to bring up a potentially contentious issue. 

There is also a lot of discipline that needs to go into how the conflict conversation is handled when it happens. My encouragement on that end is to read something from an expert. Two books that aided me were, Difficult Conversations, and Crucial Conversations. I would strongly recommend leaders read at least one of these books so that they approach these hard conversations from a place of discipline and not recklessness. 

Conflict is not fun, but it is necessary. We learn about ourselves and others when we navigate conflict. Done right, both parties leave closer than before. Looking back on the weekend with our adorable niece, there were moments when she, and our daughter, fought about the silliest problems. That said, they learned how to love one another, live together, and even lead themselves, every time they did. 

We would be wise to follow their lead. 

If all else fails, like them, let’s look into the eyes of those we are in conflict with. Let’s take a deep breath, and say we are sorry. 

If it is not too weird, throw in a hug for good measure. 

Be kind and considerate. Relational conflict doesn’t have to be the behemoth your mind might imagine it to be. 

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Liked or Respected?

Leadership

The theme of this blog is to encourage leaders to be reflective. I encourage leaders to think about everything from how they spend the time in their day, to how they measure success. So, today I want leaders to reflect on a question they all must answer. The choice can be summarized as this: 

Do you, as a leader, want to be liked or respected?

The default answer that I hear from leaders is often an immediate, “respected.” I understand this response because I share it. Yet, I have discovered that prioritizing leading in a way that earns respect can be difficult.

We must first acknowledge that there is a part in all of us that wants to be liked by others. In fact, part of being human is being in communion with others. This starts with our nuclear family, spreads to our friends, and eventually involves those we work with. This reality goes so deep that the saying, “we crave being liked”, is too simplistic. In reality, we crave “acceptance” as human beings.   

Social media’s popularity also speaks to our society’s value in being “liked.” Not only is there a button for it, but as social media has increased, so has division. While there are multiple factors for increased divisiveness, one reason could be that words shared on social media are having tremendous influence. In other words, the notion that “words will never hurt me,” is not true on social media! Nor, would I argue, is it true in the workplace. In both regards, our innate human nature is to be liked by others.

Part of being a leader, however, is doing the things no one else wants to do. These are the actions that make leaders worth being followed, but they also can come at a cost. For example, when a leader tackles a difficult HR issue, or a tricky customer problem, they are often doing the things no one else wants to do. But the action they take might not make everyone happy. This, in return, might make them less liked.

This reality is why doing the hard things is not easy. There can be a cost to it. Therefore, some leaders avoid doing it altogether in hopes that they maintain their “likeability.”

Doing the hard things, however, is how leaders become respected. The upside-down nature of leadership is that you sometimes have to set aside what you ultimately want in pursuit of the overall wellbeing of others. You have to set aside your “self,” for the sake of others, especially when what you are about to do is not “popular.”

Make no mistake about it, leadership is hard in this regard.

So, coming full circle, this is why I am encouraging leaders to reflect on whether they want to be liked or respected. While it is natural, even human, to seek being liked, I have discovered in my own leadership that seeking to be liked has made me a poor leader. When the desire to be liked takes me over, I can sometimes avoid doing the often unpopular, and always hard, things. Unfortunately, not addressing issues inevitably makes me less liked, and less respected, anyway.

I encourage you to gain clarity for yourself around the question of what matters more, being liked, or respected? Remember, a leader is not someone with a title. A leader is someone with influence. The gateway to influence is doing the things no one else wants to do.

These are the things that earn the respect of others! 

Bonus Material: 

In a rough draft of this blog, I included the following as two things I do to help me pursue respectability. Please note that even as I write the words above, doing the hard things is, well, hard for me to do continually. Knowing this about me, I need to build in support. What follows are two ways in which I am supported. Leadership is, after all, difficult to do well:

First, I have discovered that having an Executive Coach helps hold me accountable to my intention of being respected. My coach is good at asking for examples with regard to decisions I have made. This forces me to assess, among other things, whether I was acting out of a need to be liked, or whether I was doing the hard things that earn respect. A good coach also looks for blind spots and areas that I am ignoring. Both of these are extremely helpful as well. I strongly encourage all leaders to have a coach in their life. 

Another important thing I do is connect with other Senior Leaders outside of our organization. This is helpful for two reasons. First, it legitimately scratches the “like” itch. As a type-A leader, a weakness of mine is to downplay my need for social acceptance. But it is legitimate and how I was created. To that end, I am thankful for some of the subscribers to this blog that I connect with regularly. Iron does sharpen iron!  

To that end, the second benefit connecting with other leaders brings is the ability to listen to their leadership struggles. This has a way of feeding, and encouraging me to take action on more of my own struggles. Similarly, talking through my struggles with them can have the same effect for them because it reminds them, and me, that what we are experiencing is not unique. In other words, we are not in isolation. There are others experiencing what we are experiencing. This reminder is vital.

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How To Counter Anxiety: 3 Helpful Disciplines

Personal Growth

Anxiety. 

Am I the only leader that struggles with saying the word anxiety? It is as if by saying that you are anxious you are automatically “less than.” But this is a boldface lie. In the last year it has been hard to not be at least a little anxious. So, before going further, I want to speak directly to the type-A leader. Lean in and listen. 

It is okay to admit that you are anxious. 

What I am going to do with the rest of today’s post is share ideas that I have found to be helpful when I am anxious. To be sure, there is a plethora of things I do. For example, I start each day in God’s word because I need to get my mind right. I also pray a LOT. I emphasize “LOT” not to show you how spiritual I am, but to show you how DESPERATE I am. Desperate people pray. I wear my desperation with a badge of honor because I need help. 

I have also found that listening to classical music, especially while I write, calms anxiety. And if all else fails, drinking a good glass of red wine can also help calm my body, mind, and soul. 

See, I am not “holier than thou!” 

I am human. 

And here is today’s starting point…

So are you. 

I am not going to dwell on all the reasons you probably are, to some degree, anxious. Rather, I want to spend time in today’s post outlining three helpful disciplines I have turned to this year. By adopting them, you will find help battling anxiety as well.

Silence

A few years ago, my Executive Coach challenged me to take inventory of all the “inputs” in my life. By “inputs,” he meant things like text messages, emails, podcasts, books, news, social media, etc. In short, anything that created noise inside my brain. What I discovered was that my entire day revolved around information. All this information, as good as it might have been, was overwhelming me. 

I then discovered all the noise was my attempt to cover up the insecurity inside my soul. I thought if I answered every email in 2 minutes, read all the latest leadership books, and kept a cool Instagram, I would be “enough.” By “enough,” I mean that people would like, respect, and appreciate me. I even expected to feel good 24/7! 

I learned that this was a fool’s errand. But I could only see so in hindsight, when I could see the impacts leading to large dips in energy, and even sickness. Since then, I have become more cognizant of the number of inputs in my life. 

What does this have to do with anxiety? 

Everything. 

Living in the information world, where more is always shared, tweeted, and expected (especially of leaders), your anxiety could just be a result of too much “inputs.” The antidote to this is, you guessed it, silence.

Silence requires stopping. You cannot be silent on the “go.” Further, silence requires a belief that you can stop doing whatever it is that you are doing. You can put down the book, turn off the podcast, and just be.

Being allows your self to catch up to your life.

Don’t believe me that silence helps? Over the next twenty-four hours, take inventory of all your “inputs.” Pay special attention to your phone, what you do in the car, and at night. How much time are you in complete silence? 

In case you struggle with English (don’t worry I did, which is why I am being blunt here), complete silence means complete silence. 

I am inviting you to turn your phone off, turn your computer off, to pull over if you are in your car, and to just be. 

That’s right. Just. Be.

As I am writing this post, I have done some form of this for 27 days straight. I am using the timer app on my iPhone and timing myself in complete silence. I aim for somewhere between 2 to 10 minutes per session. I share what I am doing because if you are like me, your brain is telling you right now that you do not have time to do what I am suggesting above. You might even be thinking that I am some kind of weird monk, or hippy. I do not think I am, but that is probably up for debate.

The truth, however, is that you have time to do this 2 to 10 minutes per day, especially at the office, where the benefits on the other side of silence are staggering. For example, I have discovered that after being silent for five minutes I can re-engage positively with just about any kind of problem.

That’s right, silence leads to better on-the-job-decision making.

There is so much to share about silence that I will devote a future post to it. For now, start small, but be consistent (consistency trumps duration in almost any discipline). And most of all, be graceful to yourself. 

Take ONE day OFF per week

For many, this is called the Sabbath. But, do not let that word freak you out. What I am referring to is not a day of extended solitude and silence, although that would be really beneficial! Rather, I am referring to ONE day per week that looks COMPLETELY different than the other six. 

As you probably can guess, I have read a lot of Christian books about the Sabbath. Most make me feel like a failure for blowing past God’s limits for life. But lately, I have read more helpful advice about taking one day a week off. Here are some notes I have jotted down while reading those books: 

  • The Sabbath is a gift. It is a no obligation day! 
  • Four words to think about in relation to the Sabbath: Stop, Rest, Contemplate, and Delight (have fun!) 
  • Useful ideas for me: Grill a good dinner for the family, play golf and do not keep score (no measuring your worth in performance this day), and exercise outdoors.
  • Take a nap!

I am sharing the above because I used to think that taking a day off was torturous. I have discovered, however, that it should be fun and something I look forward to. 

Notice: I did not list “check my email” in the above list. I am not going to lie and say that I don’t (especially talking about the Sabbath!), but I do try to limit it as much as possible. 

One last bit of advice that I found extremely helpful is that your “day off” does not have to coincide with a normal 24-hour period. What I mean is that I sometimes take my Sabbath from 2 p.m. Saturday to 2 p.m. Sunday (or something like that). The reason being is that it allows me to get my chores done Saturday morning, and then also allows me to get prepared for the work week to come on Sunday night. The point here is that you (your body, mind, and soul) need ONE day off in a week. 

Prioritize it.  

Journal

When all else fails journal. At least that is what I tell myself. I say it this way because journaling does not come natural to me, yet I see its profound impact every time I do it. 

I have shared multiple times in these posts that I have often used Pete Scazzero’s “iceberg exercise” when journaling. By this, I answer the following questions: What am I mad about? What am I said about? What I am anxious about? What am I glad about? Writing the answers to these questions often uncover the root cause of my anxiety (and anger). To that end, I encourage you to get your thoughts down on paper. Or, as I mentioned in last week’s post, share them with a trusted friend.

The three disciplines shared above are obviously not an exhaustive list. So, I challenge you to experiment and find what works best for you. 

I have allotted the last two weeks to anger and anxiety because I struggle with them. By sharing some of the disciplines I have used to battle them, I hope you have gained a couple tools to help you in the process. I also hope that you follow my lead by owning your struggles.

Remember, you cannot treat what you do not think is a problem.  

I hope and pray these two posts have been helpful. My goal in writing these posts remains to encourage leaders to become the kinds of people others want to follow. To that end, we (you and I) need to own what is going on inside us for that to happen. 

Please feel free to send me an email at alex@alexhoffer.me if there is any way I can help you, or pray for you, in that pursuit. 

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Keeping it Real

Personal Growth

Who would have thought a year ago that COVID-19 would last a year? We now know that it could last years and even become a part of our life indefinitely. I must confess this makes me both angry, and anxious. 

Can you relate to these feelings? Just in the past two days I have encountered people who are mad about the politicization of everything, anxious about various aspects of their life, and flat-out exhausted. Worse, people in all walks of life are biting at each other’s heals. 

We were never meant to carry all of this for 52 weeks, let alone indefinitely. So, in the next two posts I am going to address two topics that leaders often shy away from discussing: Anger and Anxiety. 

I must confess a few things before getting started however. First, I am writing as someone that has struggled with both anger and anxiety, this year. I suppose, as the author of this blog, I should present the “Instagram filter” equivalent of my life, but that is not me. As the below will indicate, I have honestly struggled at times this year. 

Admittedly, this post will be somewhat therapeutic for me to write. So, thank you for being my virtual therapist. My hope is that by exposing my feelings, you will feel free to do the same. Whether you do so privately in your journal, or to a trusted friend, is up to you. I have chosen the latter, and would encourage you to just get it out in some way or fashion. 

Second, the two questions that follow are directly from Pete Scazzero. His writing, and weekly podcast, have been extremely helpful to me in this season of change and loss. I am not nearly smart enough to come up with the two questions that follow, so all credit is his. So, without further ado here they are: 

When you feel angry, ask yourself two questions: 

  1. What am I sad about? 
  2. What am I afraid of?   

Let’s tackle these in order. 

Sad? Here is a quick list of things I am sad about: Disunity over a disease, the politicization of every aspect of life, racism, church infighting, loss of two Hoffer team members to unrelated health issues, the transition of a team member, the division over the election, plastic resin availability, the loss of my friend’s daughter to cancer. 

And that is just the start, but I will stop there.

When this sadness bubbles up, I can feel myself begin to get angry. I can raise my voice on my kids, or even in a meeting. I can “power-up” to show people who is boss (and simultaneously become someone others do NOT want to follow). I can be cold and distant to those I love the most. Yet, I can rationalize that I am just “angry” and with a little sleep, and possibly some good coffee, I will be relaxed again. 

At least, that is what I tell myself. 

But, here is the (real) deal. 

Most of the time, I am not angry, I am sad. This clarification is vitally important because it identifies the potential root cause. 

Then again, it could also be that I am afraid… 

Afraid? Here is a quick list of things I am afraid of: COVID-19 never going (entirely) away, sharing political beliefs, sharing vaccine viewpoints publicly, the vaccine in general, further supply chain disruptions to our business, my kids getting seriously sick, not measuring up, political divisions fundamentally destroying our country, and the Chicago Bears drafting yet another Quarterback (just trying to lighten the mood!). 

Here again, I can exhibit anger publicly even though what I am actually feeling is fear. In fact, I can power up, demonstrate whose opinion matters most, and come across in a, let’s be blunt, very insecure way when I am fearful. 

Yet, let’s be honest one last time, others perceive this fear as anger, and anger is the more socially acceptable “sin” of a leader. 

When was the last time you admitted you were scared in a conference room full of people you lead? 

I never have either.  

I am owning it here however……. it is in writing. 

Sometimes, my “fear” is dressed up in a Marvel costume that tries to disguise it as “anger.” 

So, where does that leave us for this post? 

First, I challenge you to do some inventory of your thoughts and feelings the next time you feel “angry.” Ask yourself what you are sad about? Also ask yourself what you are afraid of? Then, as I said at the outset, I challenge you to either write the answers down, or share them with someone you trust. 

Second, and here is the legal mumbo-jumbo, if after journaling on what you are either sad about, or afraid about, you still feel angry, you could actually be angry. If so, “proceed with extreme caution.” In fact, a good idea is to go back to my idea mentioned above (sleep!). 

In short, do not burn down an entire forest when you want to get rid of one weed. 

Be gentle. 

And speaking of being gentle, be gentle on yourself when you are journaling about what you are sad and/or scared about. 

You are not any less of a human by realizing that you have feelings and emotions. But, you become someone worth following by discovering what those feelings and emotions really are. This happens because introspection is rare these days and people crave being around those individuals who are real.

There is a chance that even after taking a deep dive into the questions above you still feel an overwhelming dread, or an unsettling feeling of anxiety inside you. Next week, I will share some things I am doing to counter these feelings of anxiety. 

In the interim, take a deep breath. 

People follow those who are real, not fake. To that end, I challenge you to get real about your sadness and fear. 

You, and those closest to you, will be better for it. 

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