Alex Hoffer

I spent the last few days with friends who have gone through the unthinkable last year. Their seven year old daughter fought cancer valiantly, but she passed away last November. They were back in the area for the first time this past weekend, and Sarah and I were able to spend two nights with them. The conversations were deep, raw, and emotional. They reminded me of three things leaders need to do when helping others in their grief. 

Show up. For the sake of this blog, I would say that people worth following show up. But, in the case of the above, it is more than that. Genuine love is showing up. Sarah reminds me often that we want to be the type of people that show up. What she means is that people not only notice when you show up, but they also feel your presence when you do. Showing up takes more intentionality than liking an Instagram post. It certainly does not solve everything. Perhaps, it solves nothing at all. But, it physically demonstrates care in an era being defined by distance. 

Second, listen more than you talk. Sarah advised me of this before our friends came over Saturday night. It was wise counsel. They are hurting, unimaginably hurting. So, we aimed to listen. We gave them space to vent, to ask questions, and process. We tried not to interrupt, lecture, or counsel. The point here is that people experiencing grief need a sounding board. Wise counsel comes later when they are ready to hear it.  

Speak commitment. One of the things I did tell our friends was that we were going to walk through this valley with them for as long as it takes. I said this with words because they needed to audibly hear our commitment to them. Don’t assume it is known. Say it. Commit to it. Make the words felt. They told us that they felt others were rushing their grief. Grief, however, is not a Starbucks order. It cannot be rushed. It takes time. I told them that six decades from now I am willing to sit on the back porch with them, assuming I still can, and mourn. I wanted them to know there was no timetable. Sarah and I are in this for the long haul, however that looks. 

To their wise admission, it will look different down the road. But, they will never get over this. Nor, will we. Therefore, we are committed to them, however that commitment looks. I said all these things so they heard it, felt it, and knew where we stood. I repeat this on purpose because some of the biggest regrets in my life stem from not voicing commitment audibly.  

Then, when they got up to leave, we hugged and told each other we loved one another. 

It was real life. 

Nothing left to the imagination. 

No filters. 

Nothing fake. 

Let these ideas sink in: show up, listen, and speak commitment. They are not intended to be the exhaustive “how to” list of entering the depths of grief. But, they are a starting point. 

As someone leading a business in 2021, here is what I know. While your team hopefully is not dealing with pediatric cancer, they are dealing with some kind of grief. Grief these days is almost unavoidable. Like the morning dew in the summer, it is like a thin layer that is always present when you turn on the news or run into your friend at the store. Or, in the case of my friends, it can be as thick as the clouds present in a category 5 hurricane.

This part of life comes with every person walking into our business. The same goes with yours. So, in the midst of all our important organizational initiatives, let’s take stock of this reality. Let’s be people that show up, listen, and speak commitment.

I am often asked how it is to lead Hoffer Plastics with my two sisters. My response is that while our relationships are healthy, there are challenges. I then often ask back, “how would running a business be with your sibling or siblings?” This often gets an awkward chuckle. 

Leading the business with my siblings has given me the opportunity to learn, and practice, healthy relationship skills. This starts with learning to navigate difficult conversations with each sibling. To date, the three of us have succession planned, navigated COVID, and dealt with almost every issue in-between. While our relationships are not perfect, nor is perfection attainable, I can say that our relationships are deeper today than when we started working here. Further, we have vacationed and done many holidays together. 

Having relational skills, however, is only half the battle. The other half is intentionally engaging. To that end, we made a pact to meet weekly this year so that we prioritize time to connect. Otherwise, it is too easy to go on auto-pilot and only connect when it is absolutely necessary. This runs the risk of issues getting buried and possibly grudges being formed. 

So, with what is left in this post, I am going to share the format we use when we meet weekly. You probably do not work with siblings, but this format can still be used with other leaders that you work closely with. As the format we use indicates, the point is to intentionally connect. 

Weekly Meeting (my explanation in parentheses): 

Goal: To maintain strong, loving, family relationships while becoming better leaders. 

Rules: 

1. Consistency trumps duration  
2. Phones on airplane mode. 
3. Longer explorations of specific topics reserved for other meeting. 
4. Stick to the agenda below

Part 1: 15 minutes (5 per person): The Personal Side 

(As siblings, we have learned to start with the personal side because our family relationship takes priority over our working relationship). 

1. What support do I need from the other members personally? 
2. Is there anything the other two should know about my family situation this week (between us there are 7 kids with ages ranging from 15 to 5. Further, life always comes with everyone to work which is why it is important to get any personal issues on the table. Obviously, this will look different if the meeting was between non-family members. Still, I would recommend that those relationships aim for mutual support). 
3. Accountability: This week I was in the Bible _____ days. (Our faith is paramount, so, we use this meeting for spiritual accountability as well). 

Part 2: 15 Minutes (5 per person): The Business Side

(My temptation is to always start here. But, the personal side is critical. People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care!)

1. What is the biggest challenge with my direct reports, if any? (This question leads to an overview of what is going on. Most weeks there is not a major issue to discuss). 
2. What am I doing about this issue? (We aim to be accountable, not people that blame others). 
3. Optional: Something I would like feedback on is ________? (When used, this question leads to good information about your own leadership). 

Part 3: Wrap Up 

1. Based on what has been shared, is there any action the group needs to take (i.e., schedule a meeting to discuss a topic in greater detail)? 
2. Are there any other questions needed for clarity? 

Part 4: Prayer 

(I close the time praying for our business, customers, and suppliers. This may not be for everyone, but it is for us). 

Leaders can customize the agenda to fit the needs of their team. The point is to take action and be intentional about your personal and working relationships. 

Doing so won’t necessarily be easy, but, as I have learned, growth happens when you do what is uncomfortable in the moment! 

When was the last time you felt prompted to say something to someone and for one reason or another you did not? This could be something large or small. It could be a problem you see in the relationship, or some help you need from this person. Whatever it is, there is enough behind it that you are tempted not to say anything because saying something could, at the minimum, bring tension. Not handled correctly, the tension could lead to an outright conflict, which is why you are tempted not to say anything at all. 

As someone who has struggled with the above scenario, here is what I have learned: There is a tax to silence. 

First, there is a tax to living with this scenario in your head. As I have said countless times before on this blog, until we get whatever is in our head out, either written in a journal, shared with a friend, or addressed with the person we have the issue with, we will not live in peace. This reality is true, but it is not the point of this particular post. 

The point of this post is the second point. The longer we allow the issue to fester, the greater the chances are that we blow. “Blowing up,” as Patrick Lencioni teaches on his “At the Table” podcast, can make us a capital “J” Jerk. Conversely, handling these moments as they come up might make us a jerk, but only the little “j” kind. (I would highly recommend episode 83 of “At the Table” as it shaped my thinking on this post. 

To drive the point of this post home, that the tax on silence can be becoming a big “J” jerk. I am going to rip the band-aid off of my own scars to show how this happens. Here is an example from my past that I am embarrassed about: 

One example that comes to mind is a blow up I had with an old girlfriend. I start here because “blow ups” in dating relationships are depicted frequently on television and relatable to real life. Most have experienced some kind of argument in a dating relationship. 

I was in my early twenties at the time, and had believed that she was the “one.” We had previously dated in high school and had rekindled that relationship after re-meeting at a bar in Chicago. It had all the makings, but, it just was not meant to be. I am sure she would agree in retrospect, but there were a lot of little differences in our personalities that we did not address. For one reason or another we never got around to addressing them either. That is, until one night, with the aid of a couple of adult beverages, I blew. It was a relatively short eruption, but I was harsh. A couple weeks later we were through and the occurrence was not the best look for me. I learned that I should have had several conversations prior to that eruption. That would have been the right thing to do. 

As the years have gone by, I notice the tax of silence showing up just about everywhere, but especially in the workplace. I write blogs about leadership, but that does not mean I don’t succumb to the tax of silence here. I may not blow up at people like I did in my early twenties, but I can do something that is perhaps even worse: make passive aggressive sarcastic comments. 

Here are some examples: 

-A project is late all the time, so instead of challenging why it is late, I make a snarky comment that shows my displeasure, but does not address the problem. Worse, I do this publicly, rather than privately.  

-A person comes in late all the time, so I poke fun at their tardiness rather than talking with them directly. 

-I walk the production floor and find part containment and cleanliness that is not up to par. Rather than having one-on-one conversations, I default to sarcasm to others about how bad things look.  

None of these behaviors addresses the real problem. In fact, all increase the danger of the tax of silence coming due for payment. 

As I wrap up, I hope you get the point that you are better off addressing issues in the moment. It is the kind, even loving, thing to do. We are tempted not to do it out of protection of our self. Ironically, addressing issues in the moment is both the uncomfortable thing to do and the most protective thing to do for YOURSELF and others. 

The tax paid to conversation is less than the tax paid to silence. In fact, there is often no tax at all.  

I am nudging myself in the direction of having more conversations. I say nudging because it is hard. The easy thing to do these days is to avoid having difficult conversations and default to passive aggressive behavior, like venting on social media. 

Direct conversations, however, take intention and effort. We must persist in doing this kind of work. So, let’s be the kind of people that love others and ourselves, enough to talk about issues as they come up. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking about accountability lately. Holding others accountable is not something that comes easy for me. I have often struggled with the desire for the approval of others. So, it can be difficult to give people the kind of feedback necessary to hold them accountable. That said, holding others accountable is the loving thing to do. In essence, it says that you love them so much, you are going to help them get better. Realizing this truth has been helpful because the last thing I want to be is unloving, yet, that is what I become when I stay silent. 

Holding others accountable is one of the main reasons we follow leaders. I have always known this to be true because a leader does the things that are hard, and the things that most other people do not do. But, what I have come to realize is that this is only partially true. What I mean is that people are much more inclined to follow leaders who hold them accountable. I have found that people are willing to jump through hoops for the few leaders that nurture accountability in an uplifting  way. Here are some examples to illustrate what I mean. To differentiate, I will refer to the kind of leader that uplifts others as the “indispensable leader” for the remainder of this post. 

First, the indispensable leader holds others accountable in private, not in public. While this is obvious, it is absolutely critical. While some public accountability around the “what” is unavoidable (public metrics like sales figures, operational metrics, etc.), no public accountability around the “how” should ever happen. By the “how” I am referring to the activities the individual person engages in to perform their task. All discussions about the “how” should take place privately so the individual is not embarrassed publicly. 

Second, the indispensable leader encourages more than criticizes. There has been a lot written on the 5:1 ratio, or 5 messages of encouragement for every 1 message of critique. I have found that I am at my best when I do this at home, work, and everywhere else. Admittedly, it is easy when performance slips (mine or others) for me to be overly critical. I am a terrible leader when I do this.

Third, the indispensable leader processes an accountability issue with the person they are holding accountable. This sounds obvious because it is, yet I have succumb to the temptation of processing an issue with others in the past, so I note it here. While I continue to be a firm believer in perspective gathering because I often have the wrong view of a situation, it is important to keep this to a minimum within the organization. If it is absolutely necessary, be sure to process an issue with someone of equal organizational status or a superior. Secondly, make sure that you recount the situation in such a way that you would not be embarrassed if every word got back to the person not present. 

Finally, the indispensable leader is indispensable because they persist. I use the word persist intentionally because I have discovered that holding others accountable is not a one time event. The older I get, the more I realize how long change takes in myself and others. The only way this happens is through persistence. 

I turn 40 in the weeks to come, so I am doing a lot of reflection on my personal leadership as well as many other topics. If you come back to this blog you will probably notice a lot more reflections in the posts to come. I make mention here, however, because holding others accountable is an area I need to grow in, especially as it relates to peers and siblings working in the business. I am being ruthlessly honest here because the biggest takeaway for me has been learning that I am actually unloving when I am not holding others accountable. 

Said differently, the deepest longing of my heart is to be loved by God and loved by others. Therefore, it can be said that I desire being held accountable by others as well. To that end, may all our team members reading this post hear the invitation to my office when I need to be held accountable. Please tell me. And, please remember the 5:1 ratio when you are giving me the feedback I need to hear. 

I will do likewise. 

Let us be an organization where iron sharpens iron.