Alex Hoffer

My Executive Coach encouraged me to read Terrence Real’s, I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression. The post that follows is indebted to this book. 

There is desire inside me that craves being fed. Reading the latest book satisfies it. Writing a blog post does as well. Exercising is another way to earn a check mark. 

Such is the reality of performance-based esteem. 

Ever relentlessly check your email? 

Ever fail to officially stop working? 

Do you rationalize that this is what you have to do? As if what you do is not replaceable? Take it from me. You are replaceable. I know I am. Hoffer Plastics had one of its best months ever the month that I was in the hospital for a week and gone for two more. This realization is not depleting. It is actually freeing. 

I do not have to hide. I am not what I do. Neither are you. 

The things that we do to conceal the inner-self, the addictive defenses, are often shields. But what are they shielding? 

All the “to-dos” that I do, especially the good ones, what are they hiding? 

Perhaps, nothing? 

Perhaps, everything? 

Shame?

Why is it that when I hide my true self I am tempted to show grandiosity externally, and yet feel shame inwardly? What am I hiding? 

My inner-self wants to hit delete rather than “post” this right now. It feels like the plank is coming to its end and it is time to jump. But, where does the jump lead? Does it lead to the deep end? Is the deep end safe? Or, is the preoccupation with being safe the problem? 

What is the point of all this anyway? 

Why do I care so much about what others think? Acceptance, and popularity, actually never satisfy. 

So, I will ask again, what is the point of all this anyway? 

My self-critic just said that is what you all, the readers, are probably wondering, “what is the point?”

Am I the only one that has a self-critic inside my head? I doubt it! 

I was not depressed when I started reading this book, but it uncovered something. Maybe this post is doing the same for you. 

If so I am sorry. 

Ok, maybe I am not sorry. 

I have discovered that much of my doing is nothing more than a vain attempt to placate the noise of my self-critic. The reality is that I am self-critical and at times shameful. I am more aware of my inner-dialogue now. Some say this is enlightenment. 

Perhaps. 

It feels like there is a lot more discovery that needs to happen for that word to be used. Maybe that is the self-critic winning again. But, this is a start. 

As I peak inside, there is also pain from the past. Some of it brought on by my own decision making, some brought on by others. 

Lord Jesus, help me forgive both myself and others. 

Help me be restored. 

Help me find peace in you. 

Help me realize this peace comes from “being” with you, and not “doing.” 

Help me stop. 

A final note. 

Wherever you are …….. stop. 

Ask yourself where you are on the continuum of shame and grandiosity. 

What are you hiding? 

Anything? 

If not, just be. 

If so, what is it? 

Next week we can go back to focusing externally, but for now, have the courage to look inwardly. 

I feel the discomfort too. 

Let your emotions out. Get help if you need it. Discover you, the authentic you. 

The point in doing so is not to end there, or even to be fixated there. But rather to be begin living outwardly, focusing on others. 

It is brokenness to wholeness to otherness. 

It is the start of healing. 

It is the process of self-leadership. 

To be someone worth following, you have to first be healthy yourself. While the physical part of your health is critical, I want to focus this week on the emotional state.

What follows are questions I am asking myself so that I know the state of my inner being. I have listed a lot of questions below. The expectation is not to answer all of them, but only those that stick out. Be honest. Do not hide. This is difficult, but worthy work. 

Before diving in, I would encourage you to talk through selected questions with your support groups. For instance, I am talking about them with my Executive Coach, Accountability Partner, and group of men I meet with twice per month. I would also be inclined to get professional help if it was needed. There is no shame in this. The goal is to get real, know yourself, and heal. 

These questions are listed in no particular order. 

What about my past am I embarrassed by? 

What event do I want nobody to know about? 

How often do I think of that event? 

Is it something I should talk to someone about? 

How do my childhood dreams, if I can remember them, compare to the life I am currently living? How does this make me feel? Really?

Who wronged me in the past? 

Who do I need to forgive? 

Who have I wronged? 

Have I forgiven myself? 

What, or who, sets off my anger? 

What does that anger look like (imagine you were just observing it)? 

How does that anger probably feel to others? 

What am I really angry about? Is it really the situation I described above, or is there something deeper going on? If so, what? 

Is anger what I really feel? Or, is some other emotion present (sadness, fear, anxiety, or something else?). If so, what is it? 

What does my eating say about my emotional state? 

How often do I self medicate? 

Do I turn to alcohol, or other mind-altering drugs, for an escape? 

Really? 

Could I live without my drink of choice for a year? 

Do I need to talk to someone about my drinking? 

How much sleep do I get? 

Is it restful?

Is it enough? 

What would enhance my nighttime routine: Less screen time? Going to bed earlier? Setting the alarm later? 

Do I sleep through the night, or wake up many times throughout? 

Is sleep positively, or negatively, impacting my emotional health? 

Do my credit card statement(s) tell a story about the state of my emotional health? 

Am I buying things unnecessarily? 

Do my thoughts turn frequently to positive experiences, or things, that I could purchase? 

Do I search google for the best deal so that I can justify the need for buying whatever it is that I am buying? 

Do I search Amazon at odd times for odd things? 

Do I buy things when I am also engaging in some other activity like drinking? 

Am I in debt? 

Do I have a plan to get out of debt? 

Do my eyes turn frequently to social media? 

Do my posts portray an inaccurate version of my life (either good or bad)? 

Do I evaluate the posts of others in comparison to my life (their “highlights” to my “lowlights”)? 

Do I get angry, anxious, or sad while looking at social media? 

Have I setup any time limits, or safeguards, around my use of social media? 

Would this be helpful? 

Do I show up to work with energy? 

Does my hard work mask some insecurity? 

Am I judgmental of the success of others on the team? 

Am I secure enough in myself to give others credit? Really? 

Do I want the best for my coworkers, or do I secretly want to be number one? 

Does my work get the best energy I have to offer while my spouse and kids get what is left over? 

Or, is it the other way around? 

Do I have a real stop to my work, or does it just gravitate back to home in the evening? 

Have I informed my mind of the stop time? 

Do I resent those that do not work as hard as I do? What does that say about me? 

Will I be able to really retire? Or, is retirement predicated on some sort of external factors that aim to bring a lavish lifestyle? 

Would I be okay just being? No experiences or toys, just being with others? 

Am I afraid to die? 

Have I come to grips with my own mortality? 

Is this something I should talk to someone about? 

What are my thoughts about what really matters in this life, its origins, God, and salvation? 

Have I decided? 

The list of questions above are not easy. My goal in asking them is to get the readers of this blog to know thyself. Like everything else I write about, I am spending 2021 asking myself these questions. 

It is hard work. 

But, it is necessary. 

To lead others you have to first lead yourself. 

These questions are part of that journey. 

I have been in a little bit of a funk lately. I have felt more anxious than normal. My sleep has been less than desirable. I am tired. I feel like I am sort of at the end of my rope. And, I also feel like my emotions range from depression, to happiness, back to feelings of sadness all over the course of a twenty-four hour period. 

Before I get a bunch of emails, I have talked to my doctor about all this. I have also relied heavily on the social support systems I have built over the past decade: a couple’s community group, a devoted accountability partner, and a group of guys I meet with every other Thursday to talk about life. If you can relate to anything I have already shared in this post, but have not talked with your doctor and/or your social network, please start there. These are very important steps. 

Continuing on with my story, I discovered that the more I focused on myself, the more anxious I felt. The same could be said for all the emotions above as well. The doctor even prescribed medication to help me stabilize my moods, but to no avail. For me, and what I was experiencing, medication did not help. 

In my daily time of prayer and silence, I was reminded to get outside of myself. My Bible reading plan was going through the Gospel of John, and among other things, I was constantly being reminded of the One whose primary objective was to lay down his life for all. 

The disparity struck me. Jesus gave his life, while I sought, and even clung, to mine. While I do not fully get how it works, my life has been a reminder that real life comes when I let go of it. 

“Letting go” can sound too spiritual for application. So, here is what I mean: 

Rather than focusing on myself, I start looking for others to serve. 

Rather than looking to feed my ego, I look to encourage others. 

Rather than sulking, I look for someone to give love to. 

Rather than hiding, especially when that is what I feel like doing, I lay down that preference and engage with the community around me.  

Rather than seeking measures to reduce, or even take the edge off my pain, I sit inside my grief, fear, and sadness. 

Rather than run, I sit and rest. 

This is all counter-cultural. For, we live in a world that puffs up, explains away, and promises that happiness is on the other side of following your heart. 

My life suggests that following my heart has often led to me losing any sense of life altogether. This does not mean that “dreams” and “aspirations,” are wrong. Rather, it means that “dreams” and “aspirations” rooted in the exultation of self are tricky at best, and dangerous at worse. So, proceed with caution. 

I have rediscovered that “whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it” (Matthew 16:24). For, the extent I focus on loving and serving others is often the measure of peace I have in my soul.

You might not be a follower of Jesus. All this talk might have you wondering what this blog is even about. It is about encouraging you to live your best life, be someone worth following regardless of your position, and to find peace in doing so. 

We seem to live in a selfie, me first, world.  

The invitation is to live for something bigger by loving others first.  

Join me in doing so. 

Together, let’s brighten the days of those around us. 

I write these words towards the midpoint of another year. A year that was supposed to be easier than the previous one. It is not. It is hard, and the challenges may be different, but they are still present.

I have noticed a shared fatigue setting in with our team. Burnout is real. People are often on edge. I think this is because we were not created for sustained long-term stress. In short, nothing about life is easier today than it was a year and a half ago. So, the tread on the tires is showing. 

I see the tread when I look into the mirror. My face looks tired. I am aging. Of course, I am always aging. But, I am in the express lane right now. 

Last week I had a good talk with my doctor. It was just a check-in. They asked about my experience during this whole deal, and talking about it was almost out-of-body. There has been a couple deaths, a hospital stay for me, and various business challenges. And that only takes the story up to last October! 

The doctor looked at me and said two things worth sharing. First, he said that the mental toll of this ordeal is far greater than anyone presently realizes. Second, in this doctor’s opinion, we are collectively experiencing “post traumatic stress disorder.” 

I have to be honest with you. I have yet to take full stock of this reality. Last year, I gave myself a lot more grace and despite the hard challenges mentioned, was better for it. This year, on the other hand, I have gone back to being hard on myself. The result? I am more tired, anxious, and stressed, than I care to admit. I share this because many of the subscribers to this blog are similar to me in being “Type-A” driven leaders. 

Together, we need to give ourselves some grace. 

Ponder that for a minute. 

Let this sink in: 

Give yourself some grace. 

And here is the personal realization that led to me writing this post. It is a truth that you and I need to own in order to move forward in 2021. 

The most important muscle right now is our “showing up muscle.” Regardless of how hard things are, we need to keep showing up. People like us show up for people. People like us show up to love those people. People like us dust ourselves off when we fall down. We even put a band-aid on the scrapes and cuts. But, we keep showing up. Day after day, we keep showing up. When we are sad, we show up. When we are anxious, we show up. When we are joyous, we show up. We just show up. 

This is what counts these days. In twenty years, we won’t remember all the intricacies of 2020 and 2021. But, we will remember whether we showed up. So will those who follow us. 

So, go easy on yourself. Simplify your expectations for what can, and even needs, to get done this year. But, above all else, keep showing up. 

It is the most important muscle to flex in 2021. 

I often come home bragging about all the killer emails I wrote in a day. I tell my wife, “you would have been so impressed if you could have read the works of poetry I was dishing out to the team on email”.

Not exactly. 

Not only is the fake scenario above a little creepy, it also is not true. Email is not the best part of my day. In fact, as I have shared often on this blog, the best part of my day is meeting one-on-one with others. Meetings are humane, efficient, and one of the signposts of effective leadership. 

All that being said, we live in a world of email. Since the onset of the iPhone, email has been in our side pocket whenever we feel the urge. Think about that, for centuries managers tried to find effective ways to manage workers around the clock, but it took Steve Jobs (et al) to design something really cool for it to happen. Obviously, you accessing your email is not the same thing as you being managed, but, here is a question to ponder, who is in control when you “have to” check your work phone around the clock?

I know the answer to that question because I am writing this blog post on an iPad. It might not be the weekend, or at night, but it might as well be. When I am on this device, it is not long before my thoughts turn to work. This is not always bad—I like what I do—but, working 24/7 is not sustainable, nor, is working 14/7.

So instead of pontificating any longer about email, I have decided to break the rest of this post into three sections about email: What am I going to stop? What I am going to start? What am I going to keep? The idea is to lead yourself in email, so that you have the energy and attention to lead others in person.

Stop

The best thing about email is that it is asynchronous. You can send me an email today, and I can respond later. Therefore, I am going to stop checking it around the clock. I stop responding after 5 p.m. (unless the email is an emergency or from a friend that I want to connect with) and I stop checking altogether at 8 p.m. I also stop checking at all times throughout the day. For example, when I am having a one-on-one meeting, I turn Outlook OFF. It is silly, but it reminds me that I control email, not the other way around. Determine what is best for you, but keep in mind it helps to put limits on your email. There are things you just have to stop. 

Start 

During COVID, I started having all the memos I write (shared via email) proofread by others. This sounds simplistic, and it is, but it is an important behavior to start because email comprehension is on the decline. What I mean is that as the average number of emails rise, and as the amount of time during the day stays constant, people are reading email faster than ever before in order to simply to get through all the email. Hence, there is a great likelihood for misunderstanding. So, the wise thing to do is to write important emails carefully. Words matter and can easily be taken out of context. 

The even better thing to do, therefore, is to say all important things in person when possible. In fact, I often ask myself this question before writing an email: “Is this a conversation I would dread having in person?” If the answer is yes, it is usually because there is conflict. 99.99% of the time, I am better off having that conversation in person. If, on the other hand, I am letting my sisters know of an upcoming vacation (a conversation that I would not dread, and is just a reminder of sorts), then an email is sufficient. 

Keep 

A number of years ago, I stopped responding to a lot of emails. I know this makes me sound like a jerk, but I simply cannot respond to over 150 emails each day and the number keeps growing! The point is that I am going to keep NOT responding to all emails. This includes text messages, LinkedIn messages, and all other messages electronically. Please hear me, I do not intend to be a jerk, I intend to build directly into the lives of those I lead. This takes time and attention and email often robs me of both. 

I have found these email strategies to be helpful in creating time to do what matters most in leadership, which is meeting one-on-one with those you lead. I challenge you to determine what you can stop with email, what you can start, and what practices you can keep. Then you will manage email rather than letting email manage you. This will create the time necessary to build into other people.

What if the idea that you can live with “no regrets” is a lie? What if regardless of your best human efforts, some regret in this life is the price of being human?

These questions came to me very early on a recent Monday morning. I was alone in the gym and my thoughts turned to the past… 

I grew up playing competitive golf. I was not pushed into this, but I did come from a family of golfers. In fact, my father was quite accomplished: First Team All-American at Purdue University, United States Mid-Amateur Champion, Walker Cup Team Player, and my personal favorite, 1984 invitee to the Masters.

He never pressured me with golf. I want to make that clear before going on. That said, I always wanted to be accomplished like him. But, by the time I finished my high school career, I did not have the drive to keep playing competitive golf. So, I declined an opportunity to “walk-on” to Purdue University’s golf team.  

Fast forward to the present. The day prior to my Monday morning gym experience, I had played an abysmal round of 9 holes of golf. It was so bad that I found myself doubting my self-worth and whether I was good enough at anything in my life. As dramatic as that sounds, golf sometimes brings this kind of darkness out of me.

Then, my mind went back to Purdue. Before long, I was in a mental free-fall conjuring up all my past regret around not playing golf there. The coaching, along with the practice it would have taken, would have helped me mature as both a golfer and as a man. More importantly, this realization left me with the reality of never knowing what my potential could have been. 

Can anyone reading this post relate to feeling a similar kind of regret about the past?

Is there a moment of your life where you would like a “mulligan?” 

The example I have shared above is just one of the many examples of regret I have. There are things I have said, and things I have done, that I would love to take a “mulligan” on. Trust me, a few are more consequential than golf. 

But, life does not come with “breakfast balls,” or do-overs, does it?  

So, maybe the price of being human is living with some amount of regret. 

My goal in writing weekly posts is to encourage leaders. Leaders, at the most basic level, are people others follow. One reason this is so is because leaders care for other people first. Unfortunately, this care for others can tempt leaders to brush aside things like regret. Let’s be honest, caring for others is noble, while dealing with past regret is messy.

As I have argued repeatedly on this blog, leaders need to first lead themselves. In regard to regret, this means that leaders need to get acclimated to what they are feeling around regret. 

Personalizing this, and adding to what I have already shared above, this means I have to get real in regard to my past about golf in general and not basing my self-worth on performance. 

Below I will share two things I do to gain perspective and move past regret. 

First, I spend time reflecting on the kind of regret I have in my life. Admittedly, not “walking-on” to the Purdue golf team is kind of like a “first world” sort of regret. While I do legitimately regret it, it is not the kind that will haunt me on my death bed.

A thought that struck me in between sets at the gym on that Monday morning was this: Allow yourself to have regret over the right things and peace over the better. 

What that meant to me is that golf falls into the “right” category, meaning it is a “good” endeavor, but not a “better” one. For me, “better” equates to my faith, marriage, parenthood, and relationships with family. 

So, with this renewed perspective not only can I move past regret, but I also have a perspective to share with others that might be encouraging to them. 

Second, my faith in Jesus is also instructive on this topic. I do not believe it to be coincidence that my Bible reading this same Monday morning was Matthew 11. Specifically, the verses between 25-30. It highlights that the Father (God) revealed the Son (Jesus). Jesus said, “all things have been committed to me by the Father” (verse 27). Therefore, “come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you REST” (verse 28, emphasis mine). 

At the risk of sounding a little strange to some, this scripture reminded me that rest is found in Jesus because all things have been committed to him. 

By its nature, regret is opposed to rest. No one says they slept well after filling their minds with all their past regrets. To this end, any advice around not thinking about regret is also not helpful. As the scripture above reminds, we have to place it in the hands of a “higher power”. We simply cannot let go of things like regret on our own power. 

While I cannot speak for you, I can say that in Jesus I have found peace in all aspects of my past. This most assuredly includes all the things I have regret over. I share this because I never knew how much my past weighed me down until I gave it to Him. His assertion, therefore, in verse 30, “for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light,” is the culmination of living in this reality. 

I have found these two ideas to be helpful starting points in regard to regret. Leaders are the kind of people others follow because they are worth following. But, we cannot give what we do not possess. So, I guide you to stop toiling in yesterday’s regret. Rather, let’s come to a place of internal peace so that we can share the peace we discover with those we lead.