Personal Growth

Last summer, I participated in a golf tournament at my local club and failed. While I hit the ball well, I had a severe case of the putting yips. If you golf, you know that you aren’t supposed to talk about the yips — the nervousness that causes one to miss a putt — but I take ownership of what I experienced. The golf tournament was not that big of a deal, yet my body indicated that it was a huge deal. My hands shook, and even short putts were treacherous. 

Having played competitive golf in the past, my experience was surprising. And it was also embarrassing. While I learned later in the fall that there was a medical explanation for what I experienced — a lack of B12 due to the acid reflux medicine I was taking — the experience left me with feelings of shame and embarrassment. I remember driving home with a barrage of negative self-talk in my head that I am too embarrassed to share here and asking myself, “Isn’t this supposed to be fun?” 

My weekend golf adversity might seem different from the adversity one faces during the work week. Yet, in my mind, at that particular moment, it seemed the same — it felt like a big deal. Granted, it should not have been a big deal because I do not make my living playing professional golf. But that is not how the mind works; the mind makes things that one cares about a big deal. 

Golf Scores and Self-Worth

Let me pause and explain why golf is so important to me. The first thing I think about when I think about golf is my dad. My dad was an accomplished amateur golfer: First-Team All-American at Purdue, US Mid-Amateur Champion, Walker-Cup winning team participant, and Masters invitee. Did I mention he worked full time as well? 

On the other hand, I had a largely successful four-year stint in high school golf, but got entirely burned out by the end of my senior year. So instead of pursuing golf in college — I had the opportunity to walk on at Purdue or pursue scholarships at smaller schools — I stopped golfing entirely. For the next several years, I barely played. I eventually picked the game back up in my mid-20s, almost out of compulsion. I was headed into sales and was advised (not by my dad, but by others) that I should play golf. I still had some talent, so it became a “thing” to do. 

Since then, I have somewhat redeveloped a love for the game. I say “somewhat” because I still derive too much of my self-worth from what I shoot — hence my shaky hands in a somewhat meaningless country club weekend tournament. Let’s be honest, no one cares who wins that tournament, so it’s foolish I got so worked up over it! It is even more foolish to think my dad would evaluate my game and be embarrassed that I didn’t make a much-needed five-foot putt. To be fair to him, he has NEVER voiced or acted in a way that should lead me to think that. But it is buried somewhere deep in my subconscious, perhaps because I surmise that is what others think when they see it happen. 

When Golf Isn’t Just Golf

If you are still with me, is it clear in what I’ve shared that there is more than golf going on? This is why golf can lead me to a feeling of the blues in the middle of the summer. Adversity can come there, at work, and everywhere else. To be human is to be full of adversity. 

So, where do we go from here? The day this happened last summer. When I returned home, no one else was there, and I could feel myself growing really mad. I was angry that I allowed myself to be overcome by emotions on the golf course. Then I said to myself aloud, “Alex, you can be mad all you want. You can be embarrassed. You can feel like a piece of s**** (I told you my self-talk was not healthy!) You can ruin this whole day if you want. Or you can pick yourself back up and keep going on.” 

I know it sounds melodramatic. I am not proud that the above deals with a golf event. But, I am being real here. Reality was kicking my butt. 

Overcoming Adversity

I then remembered a few keys to overcoming adversity that always help me. If you have stuck with me until now, here is your payoff. These will help you the next time you feel like you are succumbing to your adverse situation. 

• Simplify: I always need to remember to simplify things when adversity arises. This feels counterintuitive, especially in golf. The day my putting went whacko, I tried multiple grips, focused on different routines, etc. I was doomed from the start! I putt best when I think least.
  
  Similarly, when relational conflicts arise at work, I am at my worst when I analyze every aspect of the conflict and get “technical.” I perform better when I simplify things and see the big picture. In relational disputes, I do this by prioritizing the relationship over being right.
  
• Take Action: After identifying what I need to simplify, I determine what action I need to take. I ask myself, “What is the next best thing I need to do?” In relational conflicts, this may mean affirming the relationship over the dispute. In my golf example, this meant going back to the golf course and practicing putting.
  
• Continue: Pastor Craig Groeschel has said, “Successful people do consistently what other people do occasionally.” His statement is an affirming belief that I can rally around. Crag’s statement jibes with me because it reminds me that no matter how large my failure feels in the moment, I can continue to show up and get better.

Just sharing my putting yips experience in this post gives it less power over my future. I commit to continuing to show up, working on my putting and the rest of the game, while recognizing that my golf score is only one aspect of my life — and NOT where I derive my self-worth. Nor does it have any impact on my dad’s view of me.

Have you noticed that weather predictions are more extreme than they used to be? Living outside Chicago, it is common for meteorologists to predict that just about every winter storm will be the “storm of the season” these days. Yet, many of the dire predictions turn out to be wrong. 

It seemed like things were the exact opposite when I was growing up. While there was the occasional dire prediction, most of the time meteorologists predicted only a “dusting” of snow. Yet, many of the 2-3 inch predictions turned out to be 8-12 inches of snow, with wind and dangerously low temperatures! To be fair to meteorologists, it is best for us to be prepared for the worst when it comes to the weather — it is much easier to adapt to milder conditions than it is to quickly ramp up to deal with conditions that were harsher than we anticipated. 

All of these predictions and forecasting got me thinking about a topic unrelated to the weather: my weekly schedule. I have discovered that I often do the same thing meteorologists do when I forecast the upcoming week: regardless of what the calendar says, my mind tends to prepare for a “storm.” By late Sunday afternoon, I begin to feel my heart rate quicken and tension starts building in my body. I start feeling the Sunday night blues.

It is hard to accurately describe the feeling. Is it anxiety? Nervousness? Or simply anticipation? Medically speaking, I do not know. What I do know is that I do not dread going back to work. Nor am I worried about what might or might not happen. I do, however, feel a rush of cortisol (known as the “stress hormone”) and find it hard to wind down on Sunday evening. This often leads to me having difficulty getting to sleep on Sunday nights. 

Can you relate to anything I am describing above? If so, here are a few thoughts that may help you beat the Sunday night suffering. There are a few specific things that I am going to do to have better Sunday nights in 2022. 

• First of all, like the weather, the more I allow myself to fixate on what I am feeling, the worse it tends to become. This is counterintuitive because, as humans, we tend to want to think about and then resolve problems. However, fixating on or even trying to resolve the tension I feel typically just revs up my adrenaline.
  
  So, the first thing I do is simply acknowledge exactly what I am feeling. I know this may sound strange, but I simply say to myself, “I feel you, adrenaline.” By accepting its presence, I leave behind denial. And by acknowledging the feeling, I can also get past any shame I feel about having the feeling. Shame is often the subtle voice in my head that says I should not get anxious about work because leaders should always have their emotions under control. THIS IS A LIE! Feeling and controlling emotions are two separate things. All humans experience emotions; acknowledging them can be the first step to gaining better control over them. Like the snow in January, emotions are simply part of the human journey. 

• Next, I have begun using my mind as a weapon. One of the most impactful books I read in 2021 was Craig Groeschel’s Winning the War in Your Mind. In it, Craig encourages readers to write out positive declarations that retrain the brain to think differently.
  
  At first, this sounded crazy to me. But then I remembered something from my past that humbled me: I wrote out a positive declaration of how I wanted to play golf during my senior year of high school, and I read it before every round I played that year. I have no record of what it is on it, and I can’t remember 20+ years later, but I would pay someone a LOT of money for a copy of it since that was the best golf I ever played in my life. In fact, that season, I overcame the inevitable valleys to any golf season more productively than I had before or since. This is the power of the brain thinking positively!
  
• The third thing I do when unpleasant emotions arise is practice gratitude. While gratitude is often cited as a key to perspective gathering, I have found that I usually need it the most when I least feel like practicing it. For me, this usually starts with gritted teeth. As an example, here is how I might practice gratitude when these feelings arise on a Sunday night and I cannot sleep: 

“Thank you, Lord, that I am alive to feel the adrenaline that is present. I feel other emotions as well. Thank you for life! Thank you that I have a job to go to tomorrow morning. Thank you that our business has been sustained (by You!) during this pandemic. All the meetings, tasks, and conversations ahead are good in the long term, even if they don’t feel like it today. They are good because I am alive, have work, and it is meaningful work to do. I cannot control when I go to sleep, so I will lay here be grateful regardless.”

Notice that my example of gratitude was both a positive declaration and an acknowledgment of what I was feeling. 

My hope is that by acknowledging your feelings, creating positive declarations, and practicing gratitude, you will be able to combat unpleasant emotions that come on Sunday or any other day. Some days will bring rain or snow, while others will bring the warm sun. To be someone worth following, we have to be the kind of people that accept whatever comes our way, maintaining perspective and an attitude of gratitude.

This month’s theme is intentional living, and so far I have written about how time can be your enemy and how you can decipher where to go in ‘22. Today, I’ll cover another aspect of intentional living: Setting goals.

Careful readers of this blog might have noticed that last week I shared that I create quarterly goals in pursuit of my overarching vision for the year. I will repeat that this is what I do, but it is not what this post is about. 

Rather, this post is about getting REAL about your long-term future. 

Did you notice I capitalized the word REAL? 

These are not the goals you are “supposed” to make. 

These are not the goals you think others would want you to make. 

These are not goals given to you by well-meaning people in your life. 

These are REAL goals.

These are YOUR goals. 

I know this sounds super cheesy. But, these are the kind of goals that are deep within your heart. 

Trust me, they are (still) there. 

I know that the last two years have been filled with so much stuff that your heart may feel callused and cold. Or is that just me? 

Honestly, it was me until a Friday morning in December. With the aid of some good coffee, a closed door, and quiet, I asked myself a simple yet profound question: 

What are the REAL goals that exist deep in my heart? 

I turned to a blank page in my notebook, took a deep breath, and began writing. 

About an hour later, I had 20 goals on the paper. They were the kind of goals that came to my mind immediately. In other words, they were not premeditated. Nor were they ones that I thought I “should” write down. 

They were simply real. 

For example: 

• I want to be known as a Christ-follower that lives according to God’s word.

• I want to have the best marriage with Sarah possible. 

• I want to have healthy friendships with our kids when they are adults. 

• I want to be known as someone that is ruthlessly generous. 

• I want to live my full allotment of years so that I impact my GREAT grandchildren’s lives. 

• I want to help lead Hoffer Plastics to 10X growth during my time here — for those on our team, I can share figures! 

• I want to help set up family governance that ensures G4 and G5 success at Hoffer Plastics. 

This is a sampling of seven of my goals. Notice that they are aspirational in nature. They are heart goals, meaning they might not check off every aspect of the S.M.A.R.T. Goal framework. But they are inspirational and real. 

They are the kind of goals WORTH LIVING FOR. 

Here is what I know: the road ahead will not get any easier for you or me. There is no such thing as “normal” until events change again and you refer to whatever this is as “normal.” 

Read that last line again. 

Time is short. 

Live intentionally. 

Start by spending a few minutes this week dreaming about what you want to accomplish with the time you have left. 

Just be REAL. 

And then live it. 

It is a cold, sunny November morning as I write these words. It will be January before this post is published. Another month, another year. 

Three things are on my mind as I contemplate 2022:

1. I write these words precisely one year after our friend’s daughter lost her battle to cancer. 

2. I write these words two weeks after attending a conference where one of the exhibitors did not get out of bed in the morning. 

3. I write these words as I enter my fifth decade. 

Time moves quickly. And there are no guarantees we, or those we love, will be here tomorrow. 

Time will march on nevertheless. 

So, the question then becomes, what are we going to do? Are we going to celebrate because “life is short but sweet for certain?” Are we to hunker down and do work that matters? Or, are we to leverage the time we have with the people we love? 

Yes. 

I point out the brevity of life to invite you to contemplate what matters. 

There has been a lot of STUFF infecting the limited time you and I have the past two years. 

Political divisiveness. 

COVID-19 commentary.

Mandates. 

News. 

Social Media.

Entertainment. 

Alcohol.

Drugs.

Consumerism. 

The list goes on. 

No lecture forthcoming. But, what jumps out to you? Has any of the above robbed you of the necessary headspace to live intentionally and well? 

What is important but not a priority? 

What is both unimportant and emotionally taxing? 

Do any offer a positive ROI on energy spent? 

No lecture. I trust you to decide. 

I have discovered that most of the items I have gotten worked up about are not worth getting worked up about. Further, most of the “fixes” do not offer the ROI required.

And I have discovered that time marches on regardless. 

So, here I am back on that November morning. I’m aware of the brevity of life. I am aware of the pain around me. I am aware that the clock is ticking for me too. 

I feel alive. 

I feel hopeful. 

Scroll back to the top. What did you notice in the first sentence? November? Cold? 

Or, did you notice that the sun was shining? 

The sun is shining.

It is still November, which means it gets dark too early in these parts of the country. 

It is cold, which is self-explanatory. 

So, 2/3 of the equation is negative. 

I am seeing the sun regardless. 

Are you? 

The clock is ticking. So, this month I am going to share thoughts on intentional living. Whether it is our individual lives or our leadership lives, intentional living is paramount in its importance. 

Intentionality starts with setting a direction. 

Next week I will dive into that. 

In the interim, choose to see the sun.

This is the first post of a New Year. A Happy New Year, if you choose for it to be. 

This month I will share thoughts about the importance of intentional living, how to decipher where to go in the New Year, and how to discover what your real goals are. But first, I want to invite you to reset. 

Yes, reset. 

Isn’t it American of us to blow past the holidays, celebrate the New Year, jot down a few resolutions, and keep going? 

I am type-A plus, so make no mistake that this blog will MOVE this year — emphasis included! 

But, not yet. 

We need to take stock first. 

To that end, here are some guiding questions:

What is the most important thing you accomplished in 2021? 

What are you most proud of? 

What course correction do you need to make in regards to how you lead yourself? 

What did you learn? 

How will you use what you learned to live differently in ‘22? 

I could easily write more questions, but I want to keep them manageable in length. My invitation is to STOP. Before you resolve to go forward, understand the road you have traveled to get to where you are currently. 

To be someone worth following, you need a clear understanding of yourself. Without that, you cannot positively influence other people well because you, yourself, are lost. 

To get you started, I will model these questions. As you will see, the answers do not have to be long. They just have to be authentic. 

My answers: 

What is the most important thing you accomplished in 2021? 

My marriage with Sarah is as strong or stronger than it was going into the COVID pandemic. This is the most important human relationship I have, and I am proud of where we are. Praise God! 

What are you most proud of? 

I am most proud of how I showed up for my kids’ events in the midst of an extremely busy year at the office. This was not true pre-COVID, but I have intentionally shifted some things to prioritize this limited time with them. I am proud of this. 

What course correction do you need to make in regards to how you lead yourself? 

This will go hand-in-hand with what I learned below, but I need to be more gracious to myself. There have been too many anxious Sunday nights (post coming later in the month on this), and I have wasted too much energy on non-consequential things. 

What did you learn? 

One lesson I learned over and over this year was that my leadership flows out of my abundance, meaning I cannot give what I do not possess. This sounds lofty, so allow me to unpack it. What I mean is that I cannot give love to others when it is lacking inside myself. When I am stressed, anxious, and bogged down by extraneous issues, I am not a good leader of others. Therefore, I need to pay attention to the limits I have as a leader. I need to rest. I need to practice detachment from the non-consequential things. I do not have to have an opinion of everything. Instead, I need to be centered in Christ, whole, and content in Him. I need to live with the realization that in “this world, there will be trouble. But take heart! I (Jesus) have overcome the world” (John 16:33). This world IS messed up (emphasis mine). So, I have to be detached from the reality of its messiness and focused on my mission. When I operate this way, I have the power of God to bear all circumstances.  

How will you use what you learned to live differently in ‘22? 

I have rewritten my Key Results Area (KRA) for 2022 to begin with, embracing my calling. It is clear to me that the future of work is human and that impacting humanity is work’s highest calling. As a Christ-follower, I am called to full-time ministry right where I am. This means that I need to lead in a way that uplifts, encourages, and dignifies others. What’s clear to me is that our business is successful due to the hard work of OTHERS. The best and highest use of my time is in encouraging, inspiring, and incentivizing their hard work. They are the indispensable ones. 

A note to the reader: Admittedly, not everyone shares my worldview, and I am okay with that. My covenant to you this year is that I will not hold back. What I wrote above is real.

I was not the best basketball player by a long shot, but as someone that grew up during the heyday of the 1990’s Chicago Bulls, I knew the role I was supposed to play on any team I was on. I was definitely not Michael Jordan, nor was I supposed to be Scottie Pippen. I was there to do the things that no one else wanted to do, which meant I was supposed to be Dennis Rodman without the tattoos, piercings, and colored hair. 

I prided myself on diving for loose balls. In fact, by most seasons’ end my knees were so many colors that my mom could not even look at them. She tried to convince me to wear knee pads, but there was no way I was letting any girl see me wear knee pads. I was willing to get my knees bloody if that is what needed to be, but I was going to do so on my terms!  

My basketball career may have been short lived, but I look back on it fondly all these years later. All the elbows, floor dives, and running, prepared me for the reality of “the real world.” Much of life comes down to the things our basketball coach taught us many years ago: fundamentals, toughness, and “who wants it more?” It sounds cliche, but it is not. 

I am asking myself a few simple questions as fall progresses into winter that I will share with you: 

Given that life has not been easy the last 20 months, and that my body is tired, am I willing to keep running? 

Am I willing to outwork the opposition? 

Am I willing to still dive for loose balls? 

Am I willing to get my knees a little bloody? 

It is time to look in the mirror and recommit. 

December is often the most busy time of the year. But, I challenge you to make time to reflect on these questions right now.

It is almost time to sign back up and do it again for another year. 

Are you in? 

I am. 

The last few weeks I have observed a few thought patterns of my own that are worth sharing. I am constantly reflecting on my attitudes, thoughts and beliefs because they all shape my character as a person and a leader. Frankly, as I write these words I feel tired, agitated, and in need of some rest. 

The first thought pattern that I have been pondering is more of a question that I am asking myself. The question is whether I (really) believe in leadership development? I know the correct answer. But, we recently have had a team member leave to pursue their dream job. And, I have to be honest, it is a dream job in many respects. I am admittedly happy for this person. Yes, happy. My happiness is genuine and not B.S.  At the same time, however, I also feel a sense of loss and sadness. I love this person. I have seen them grow, develop, and what they are going to do is going to be absolutely awesome. But, I am sad because they won’t be doing it here. At least not yet. I have heard some of the naysayers tell me things like, “this is what happens with young people,” and that comment infuriates me. It makes me want to go Mike Ditka on a wall (punch a hole in the wall) because it is demonstrative that we have people in our organization that do not get leadership development. Have I mentioned that I am agitated?  And no, I have not hit anything. I have only worked out a little harder lately… 

Going back to the question which I seem to be dodging …………… Do I believe in leadership development? I have come to realize that the sadness I am feeling is part of the journey. It is inevitable. But yes, I believe in leadership development. Yes, I will keep investing in building into our people. Yes, that will lead to more loss. Yes, it is worth the risk. So, as I say often, onward.

Next, I have to confess that I have been annoyed with people problems lately. While our business results are really good (praise be to God), I would not characterize our culture as healthy. I suppose I am not supposed to put that in writing, but I am not going to get fired by doing so. The biggest problem with the culture is me. I have the wherewithal to not put up with the griping, side-swiping and gossip. So do my sisters. While our problems are not major league in comparison to some of the other leaders I chat with, they are annoying enough to produce frustration. Perhaps, frustration is inevitable after twenty months of changing health guidelines, political divisiveness, supply chain madness, and no one applying for jobs. (Given that list, it IS frustrating!) But, leaders are not the kind of people that become victims to their external circumstances. So, I am not going to. 

I am going to start with me. My job is to show up and work with people. Period. That’s the basic level of leadership. My job is to also set clear expectations and hold people accountable to those expectations. At the risk of getting defensive, I feel like I have done that with the business (i.e., results indicate we are healthy and improving). In regard to culture, however, I have not done as good of a job in 2021. I will step up this part of my game. This reflection is helpful in getting started.  

I know some people from our team read my posts, so I will say one more thing. We are one family. Let’s start expecting the best of each other again. We don’t need a major course correction, but we do need a little one. It starts with all of us expecting the best in others. It starts with us helping, serving, and unashamedly loving (doing for others what we would have done to ourselves). I will start with me because that is the only thing I can somewhat control, but I need your help. 

Finally, I want to confess my anxiety. I can’t even put a finger on why I feel anxious. In fact, I have talked with my doctor about it and the only thing I can point to is what I refer to as the “collective residue of all the crap of the last twenty months.” I have no idea why I put that in quotes. Then again, my golfing buddies call me Doc these days because the kid in the halfway house at the golf course mistakenly called me Dr. Hoffer for half of the summer. So, maybe I am one? 

Kidding aside, my (real) doctor says there is a lot of that going on. By “that,” she is referring to a collective build up of stress. 

Unfortunately, I do not have some magic pill to offer, or any new advice to give, but, I am acknowledging it publicly because I am not hiding from its reality. 

In fact, one of the Biblical principles that has aided me is bringing internal struggles to the light (i.e., talking about them with others, writing about them, and not allowing them to wallow inside).  It seems as though they become less powerful when they are brought out into the light. So, there you go….my anxiety for the world to see. It is there, I feel it, and I am learning to live with it. Now, the question is what do I do next? Since I have acknowledged it, I no longer have to wallow in it. Onward again. 

Ironically, after writing all of this I feel different. Thank you for being my sounding board. 

I do not write these posts to be popular, or get a book deal. I probably started out four years ago with the intention of doing both, but I don’t care anymore. I don’t mean that negatively, I’m just trying to keep it real. To that end, expect more of this going forward. And, do me a favor, gently call me out when you feel like I am faking or being inauthentic. Call me out when you think my writing is showing off, or making things sound either better, or worse, than they really are.  My goal here is to keep it real.

No real good way to end this, so I’ll wrap up with this:

Make it a great day! Choose for the day to be great. 

It is the Doc’s orders.

Last week I gave a leadership talk at the MAPP Benchmarking Conference. I prepared and rehearsed my talk, but I did not like how the talk was received. What follows is an honest self-appraisal. I reflect out of the hunger to improve, but that process would not necessitate me blogging about it. I am sharing my reflection publicly to model one way of reflecting to other leaders. I do this by asking myself three questions:

What did I do well? 

I liked the energy that I brought. I was willing to be vulnerable in the beginning of my talk by talking about how I had lost my way earlier in 2021. For example, I shared that my doctor had me consider taking antidepressants at one point. This connected with the audience (measured by the instant feedback I received after the talk was over, and the messages I received later). I also was prepared. 

What did I learn? 

My talk was not as effective as I hoped because it was way too long. Instead of sticking to my belief that no talk I give should be more than 20 minutes, I expanded it to 40 minutes. While this was to fill the time allotted, I learned (again!) that the audience could not stay with me for all 40 minutes. A 40 minute time slot is probably best suited for world-class speakers like John Maxwell! Regardless of who is speaking, the speaker should aim to get off stage five minutes too early, rather than five minutes too late. I was about 15 minutes too late. 

What will I do with what I learned? 

This was my first LIVE talk since pre-Covid. Therefore, this lesson was somewhat necessary as it reminded me of how I can be at my best going forward. To that end, I will embrace my TED learnings by limiting talks to as close to 20 minutes as possible. For example, I could have filled the 45 minute time slot with a Q&A, or simply allowed attendees time to get caught up on their own work. After all, my goal was to encourage them and serve them (rather than show up and give some kind of commercial about our company or myself). In the future, I will do a better job of that. 

Note to the reader: I do not know who deserves credit for the questions I used above. I first heard them from golfer Ben Crane. He used (perhaps still uses) them to appraise a competitive round of golf. I have found them helpful for appraising all kinds of performance. That said, my encouragement to use is to simply reflect in one way or another. 

Elon Musk is one of the few people walking the face of the earth that can simply be referred to by their first name. Like most public figures, opinions about Elon Musk, and his companies, range the spectrum. The point of this post is not to expound on these opinions, but rather to learn from the man himself. I believe that leaders should learn from other leaders and Elon is without question someone others follow. 

In many ways, I see the world much differently than Elon Musk. That said, what he has accomplished is extraordinary. My respect for his leadership style is tied to three characteristics that all leaders should emulate. 

Elon’s most striking characteristic is his vision. Tesla aims to solve climate change by breaking the human addiction to gas-powered automobiles. SpaceX aims to help humans inhabit Mars as a backup plan to earth. Both visions literally are out of this world. 

Many of the weekly readers of this blog are in Director-level, or higher, positions in their respective companies. The question these people, and myself, have to ask is whether the vision of our company is big enough? Does it inspire those that we lead to shoot for the stars? 

Like Elon, as leaders we need to take accountability on vision casting. We need to learn from people like him, develop a vision, and cast it to our team members.   

Secondly, Elon has unmatched tenacity. As I have studied him, he was present when his engineers were troubleshooting Falcon Rockets at 3 a.m., he stayed the course after his first three SpaceX launches literally blew up and failed, and he risked his entire fortune on both Tesla and SpaceX. This is what “all-in” looks like. 

I have come to discover that phrases like “all in” are ones that most people agree with. For example, I would imagine there is not one professional football player (NFL) that would admit to not being “all-in.” Yet, some work harder, last longer, and do the extra work. This is what I mean by tenacity. 

Before going to bed tonight, ask yourself if you are all-in? If not, either course correct or find something that you can be all-in on. 

Life is too short to live a dispassionate life. 

Finally, Elon persevered. Some mistake perseverance for tenacity, but it is different. As I mentioned above, tenacity is being entirely all-in. Perseverance is getting off the mat after you have been knocked out for the third time in a row. It is the ability to overcome the voices around, and inside, and still keep going. 

Elon Musk failed, failed, failed, and then succeeded. His grandiose success blurs our vision to all his failures, but they could have easily derailed him. SpaceX, and Tesla, could have easily fizzled away.  

At one point around 2008, when SpaceX was zero for three in launch attempts and running out of cash, Elon had about 30 million left in cash reserves. His advisors, and family, implored him to kill either Tesla or SpaceX, so that he would not lose the entirety of his fortune. 

Full stop. 

What would you do with 30 million? 

I cannot answer that question for you, but I can for me. 

Without a compelling vision, I would not have the tenacity to persevere. Nor, would I have the tenacity to risk my (much, much, much, less) net worth! But, Elon had a compelling vision. Thus, he had the tenacity to persevere. He risked the 30 million and he eventually succeeded. He could have put his feet up, and lived the supposedly “easy” life. But, instead he did something he believed in, risked everything, and persevered until it became a reality. This is why I respect Elon Musk. 

Our vision might not be for the stars, but let it be something worth being tenacious about and let us be the kind of people that keep going after it no matter the risk or the setbacks. 

My Executive Coach encouraged me to read Terrence Real’s, I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression. The post that follows is indebted to this book. 

There is desire inside me that craves being fed. Reading the latest book satisfies it. Writing a blog post does as well. Exercising is another way to earn a check mark. 

Such is the reality of performance-based esteem. 

Ever relentlessly check your email? 

Ever fail to officially stop working? 

Do you rationalize that this is what you have to do? As if what you do is not replaceable? Take it from me. You are replaceable. I know I am. Hoffer Plastics had one of its best months ever the month that I was in the hospital for a week and gone for two more. This realization is not depleting. It is actually freeing. 

I do not have to hide. I am not what I do. Neither are you. 

The things that we do to conceal the inner-self, the addictive defenses, are often shields. But what are they shielding? 

All the “to-dos” that I do, especially the good ones, what are they hiding? 

Perhaps, nothing? 

Perhaps, everything? 

Shame?

Why is it that when I hide my true self I am tempted to show grandiosity externally, and yet feel shame inwardly? What am I hiding? 

My inner-self wants to hit delete rather than “post” this right now. It feels like the plank is coming to its end and it is time to jump. But, where does the jump lead? Does it lead to the deep end? Is the deep end safe? Or, is the preoccupation with being safe the problem? 

What is the point of all this anyway? 

Why do I care so much about what others think? Acceptance, and popularity, actually never satisfy. 

So, I will ask again, what is the point of all this anyway? 

My self-critic just said that is what you all, the readers, are probably wondering, “what is the point?”

Am I the only one that has a self-critic inside my head? I doubt it! 

I was not depressed when I started reading this book, but it uncovered something. Maybe this post is doing the same for you. 

If so I am sorry. 

Ok, maybe I am not sorry. 

I have discovered that much of my doing is nothing more than a vain attempt to placate the noise of my self-critic. The reality is that I am self-critical and at times shameful. I am more aware of my inner-dialogue now. Some say this is enlightenment. 

Perhaps. 

It feels like there is a lot more discovery that needs to happen for that word to be used. Maybe that is the self-critic winning again. But, this is a start. 

As I peak inside, there is also pain from the past. Some of it brought on by my own decision making, some brought on by others. 

Lord Jesus, help me forgive both myself and others. 

Help me be restored. 

Help me find peace in you. 

Help me realize this peace comes from “being” with you, and not “doing.” 

Help me stop. 

A final note. 

Wherever you are …….. stop. 

Ask yourself where you are on the continuum of shame and grandiosity. 

What are you hiding? 

Anything? 

If not, just be. 

If so, what is it? 

Next week we can go back to focusing externally, but for now, have the courage to look inwardly. 

I feel the discomfort too. 

Let your emotions out. Get help if you need it. Discover you, the authentic you. 

The point in doing so is not to end there, or even to be fixated there. But rather to be begin living outwardly, focusing on others. 

It is brokenness to wholeness to otherness. 

It is the start of healing. 

It is the process of self-leadership.