Leadership

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 9: Fear Makes Me Play it Safe

Last fall, I started my talk at the MAPP Benchmarking conference by telling 500+ attendees that I fear death — and as one who follows Christ, I was embarrassed to admit that publicly. Why? Because as someone who has scoured the evidence of the resurrection, I find it hard to believe that ten of Jesus’ earliest apostles would be martyred for something they KNEW was false. After all, their claim was having SEEN the risen Jesus, not a declaration of any kind of “belief.”  

Fear, our subject today, is not rational. From deep matters like death to personal matters like one-on-one relationships, fears can tempt us to live from the false self. Put succinctly, fears can tempt us to portray the confidence of a fearLESS leader, while living a “play it safe” life.  

Fear Takes a Toll

When discussing fears with other leaders, the conversation quickly shifts to the external. For example, should one change jobs, move states, or go for a promotion? Fear hinders us from making wise choices and also takes a toll on us by convincing us not to take risks in our relationships — which brings out our false selves. 

Is this related to Part 7, not speaking up?  Absolutely. After all, the root cause of not speaking up is fear, so we play it safe. 

Let’s be honest, one of the reasons leaders are followable is because they are courageous. But beware; this is an area where it is easy to slip into the false self — the one that projects courage when there is little to none internally. We may be tempted to believe that only we know when we’re putting up a front, but the reality is that our followers can easily pick up on it when we act in ways contrary to our normal personality or from our false selves. 

For example, we might speak more forcefully to overcompensate for our fear, making us sound (so we think) strong. But, in reality, we sound weak and fearful. 

Part of the Human Condition

Fear might be the hardest part of our hearts to share with others because culture and history have taught us that leaders are not fearful. But while courage may be what they are projecting, what makes them worth following is that they act even when fear is in their heart. Fear is simply part of the human condition.

What if we were the kind of leaders that made our fears visible to others? Would that make us less competent or more? Would we appear weaker or stronger? Would we be living from the false self or the authentic one? 

I am not suggesting that this is easy. Nor am I suggesting that everyone will think we are strong, competent, or even good leaders. I simply suggest we should be authentic — a leader whose internal and external states align. Alignment leads to the authentic self, the one others seek to follow. 

Remember, there is no claim in this series that leading from the real self will help you in your pursuit of greatness. This is not about greatness at all. It is about authenticity and living from your real self.  

The next time fear percolates, I want you to take a deep breath and accept it. You are human. Fear may be part of your story, as it is part of every leader’s story, but it is not your whole story. Exhale the deep breath and realize that your true self can keep going. You are not in denial. You are you. This means that whatever it is that you need to do, you can do. You do not need to play it safe anymore. 

When we accept our fears and move forward with them in tow, we can learn to live lives of meaning with less stress and tension. More on this next week when I wrap up this series.

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 8: Not Forgiving Others

The next time you go on a trip, try this: Put two eight-pound dumbbells in your luggage. I did just that when I was 13 years old. Having begun working with a personal trainer and feeling excited about continuing my training regime on vacation, I packed the weights. However, my teenage brain did NOT consider how 16 extra pounds would impact my suitcase’s journey to our destination, the tiny island of St. John. I suppose it is no shock that my bag did not make it to our destination on time (though it did show up eventually!)

Forgiveness is a lot like that. Refusing to forgive others is a lot like carrying a suitcase with extra weight. By forgiving others, we don’t just lessen the weight; we stop carrying any weight altogether. 

We live in a day and age when the slightest wrongs get people worked up. It is easy to say this is true about others, but harder to look in the mirror and do so. What upsets you? Or better said, who upsets you? Is there a grudge that you hold from decades ago? Or is there a legitimate wrong that has been done to you?

What weights are you putting in the suitcase you carry around each day? 

It’s tempting to hold onto these wrongs — after all, you’ve earned them. At least, that’s what our inner dialog tells us. Certainly, they’re part of your story for better or worse. But do they have to define you? 

The False Self as the Victim

The false self can often be the victim. This word often creates a deep emotional response because we don’t want to be the victim. Not only are victims easier to see in others, but they are also something we intuitively know that others do not want their leaders to be. So we resist being one ourselves. 

Yet what do we become when we fail to forgive? 

What are we when the other side is always wrong? Pick your politician on either side of the aisle. How do they come across when they cannot coexist with the other side? 

Forgiveness is risky. What if the other person doesn’t deserve forgiveness? Or, to take things a step deeper, who is a person that actually deserves forgiveness? 

All forgiveness is a gift — a gift to the person being forgiven. Mistakes are part of the human condition. All of us have fallen short, starting with me. Forgiveness is also a gift to the forgiver. Suddenly, they are free from carrying a weighted suitcase they were never intended to carry. 

This does not mean all is forgotten. Wrongs are still wrong. You may need to create boundaries and reestablish trust. But the heaviness is gone. Your hands are now free of carrying the loaded suitcase.  

Free to Be You

The purpose of this series has been to free you to be yourself. Not the pretend you. Not the you that is overly concerned about what others think. Not the one who is afraid to speak up or who holds grudges. 

The one that is secure enough to let go. 

The one that forgives because they were forgiven. 

If you know Jesus, this is always true. 

And if you don’t, the door is always open. 

Life is not easy. This post does not claim that it is. And forgiveness is not an easy one-time event. It’s a moment-by-moment surrender. It is letting go of the weight and being secure enough to allow the situation to be. It also recognizes the human tendency to pick the weight back up later. We may need to begin every single day anew. 

In my experience, it takes divine power. The kind that remakes you from the inside out. The kind that makes you someone others want to follow. This is not because you are that great, but because the One you follow is. After all, He forgave you. 

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 7: Not Speaking Up

I was living by myself in Chicago. The year was 2005, and I was single — and frankly speaking, looking for my soulmate. My memory is fuzzy all these years later, but I think it was a friend from my grad class that first mentioned an online forum called “Craigslist.” And one of the most popular forums on Craigslist was “missed connections,” where people would share what they wish they’d said when they had a chance encounter with an attractive stranger. 

In case you aren’t familiar with Craigslist, let me give you an example to explain what I mean: Let’s say you’re riding the L from one side of Chicago to the other, and you make eye contact with someone you find attractive — maybe they even smile — but you don’t say anything to them. Then, they hop off the L at the next stop, and you’ve missed your chance to start a conversation. You might decide to post to “missed connections” about the situation in the hopes of making a connection and getting another chance. 

What struck me about Craigslist back then was why someone would post something like that on the Internet! With the benefit of a bit of time and maturity, however, I realize now that people were sharing both humor and regret. And while you may not regret your missed encounter on the L for the rest of your life, other regrets can fester and become part of your life’s story. 

The Pitfalls of Putting Your False Self Forward

Speak up. That’s the focus of today’s post — I’ve found that having trouble speaking up may indicate that you are living out of a false sense of self. Here’s what I mean: 

As I wrote last week, the false self is often the person we beat up for not being “good enough.” It is the “us” we hold back because we fear being rejected. Maybe we act out in a way that, we think, makes us more likable. But in reality, this is not us. It is just us playacting, trying to be someone we are not. This means that the “self” that speaks up to the person we are attracted to might be false. 

I say this because one of the most important moments of my life started on a platform waiting for an L in May of 2005. The girl I was into — Adele — was on the phone trying to convince me to come to a twenty-something church group that met at Joe’s Bar. I was all in, but she was going to be late. As an introvert, I struggled (and continue to struggle!) in situations where I know no one. The last thing I wanted to do was go somewhere by myself where I didn’t know anybody. Talk about a place where my false self would come out due to my own insecurity! 

Adele had already been brutally honest that she wasn’t looking for a serious relationship with me. I tell you this so you don’t judge what happened next: I walked into Joe’s and found a friend from grad school. Thank the Lord, I thought! Then, a few minutes later, in walked the rest of my life. Of course, I didn’t know it then. But after Sarah sat down and we talked for a while, I had a strange sense that this was one of those before-and-after moments. Everything that has followed has certainly been part of my after.

The Power of Authentically Speaking Up

I’ll save the rest of the story for some other time. But the reason I’m telling you this story is this: I know that my conversation with Sarah “worked” that night because I was my real self. Oddly, strangely, and perhaps even divinely, my guard was down because my crush-slash-friend Adele was coming. There was no pressure to meet someone — I could just be me. And Adele saw it too. Or, as Sarah and I have joked ever since, Adele saw her way to get rid of me! 

What’s the implication for leadership? Leaders are worth following because they speak up. We all know this. But the kinds of leaders worth following speak up from a place of authenticity and security. They are confident in their ideas without being bossy or know-it-alls. In short, they are not playacting for the world to see because doing so would just be that, acting. 

God made you as you are. 

So be you. 

Speak up from a place of authenticity, and you’ll be someone worth following. 

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 6: Beating Myself Up about the Past

A few weeks ago, Sarah and I were watching the show “Yellowstone” when one of the main characters, Rip, said something that applies to today’s topic:  

“People torture themselves about the past, which is why I focus only on today and the future.” 

[paraphrase of the original quote from episode 4 of season 5, emphasis mine] 

A Cowardly Practice

Beating yourself up about the past is one of those things in life that feels honorable, but it is anything but honorable. I argue that it feels honorable simply because it holds one accountable for past mistakes. But it does so in an unhealthy way, hence the “beating yourself up” part. It is actually cowardly.  It is cowardly because, like a bully picking on weaker kids in the playground, one does not fight back against themselves. They just take it. 

How do I know? Because I take it. When I tell myself how awful I am for missing a short putt, coveting something new, or messing up during a talk, I just take it. 

Those are all in the present, and we’re talking about the past in this post, so what’s the connection? I’ve discovered that beating yourself up is a “club” used for past, present, and future. The most vicious kind of self-hatred is beating yourself up over the past because you can’t do anything about it. 

You can still do something about the present — for example, I could make the next putt, become generous, or perform better in my next talk. But you can’t change how you treated so and so your senior year of high school. There is no way to improve upon that now. 

Improvement Never Comes from Shame

Regret is present because, to a certain degree, I am living out of my “disappointed self,” meaning I am not the person I aspired to be. Said bluntly, when I look back, I see evidence of the disparity between my authentic and aspirational self. This leads me to live from a false self that shames itself in hopes of improvement. But improvement never comes from shame, does it?  

The authentic self starts with one word: acceptance. It is the realization that you are who you are. Your past is part of this, for better or worse. So as great as Rip’s advice is, denying the past is not the answer because it also leads to a false self. The path forward is to find acceptance in who you are. 

Freedom in Acceptance

This might turn some readers off, but this is where I unashamedly turn to Jesus. He knows my past, present, and future. He paid the price for all of us — including you and me! Amazing grace is amazing in that He loves us right now. Yes, He loves us as we are. There is no need to hide. Freedom begins when this identity is accepted. 

Most readers are here looking for a leadership nugget, and a pivotal one exists because of what I just shared. Finding identity in Jesus — knowing your fate is already sealed, knowing you are fully accepted and loved — allows you to live freely. That means you no longer have to beat yourself up about the past because you are accepted anyway. You no longer have to worry about the future because your deepest need — the need to be loved and accepted — is assured. 

This frees you to live freely. You can do things with and through other people from a place of acceptance rather than from a position of needing to prove your self-worth. This allows you to elevate others because you are not consumed with proving to everyone how much better you are than the person you used to be or the one you continue to beat up. This is extremely pivotal because it allows you to be you. 

You are Enough

Jesus says you are enough. This does not mean that life becomes easier, your wildest dreams come true, and you will be financially stable — the Gospel doesn’t promise those things. But it does promise that you no longer have to torture yourself about the past because Jesus died for your past. 

The freedom that comes with this empowers you to elevate others. Leadership is never the same again because it is no longer about trying to correct the person from your past. You are already accepted. You can live from your true self and love others.   

Have you heard the term “quiet quitting?” If you aren’t familiar with it, it’s a post-pandemic buzzword that’s been getting some attention in the media. Essentially, “quiet quitting” means you can quit your job without others knowing. You simply have to do enough not to get fired, but nothing more than just enough. 

There are many potential reasons someone may want to do this. But I’m not going to talk about those — I’m going to address leaders and people who are quiet quitting.

Leaders: Value People 

Leaders, I have a bone to pick with you; I’ve heard many leaders talk about the topic of quiet quitting in very unhelpful ways. For example, some leaders complain that quiet quitting is just the latest example of how lazy the millennials and Gen Zs are. This irritates me. Not only is it not my experience with millennials and Gen Zs, but it’s also a complete generalization of a large segment of our workforce that altogether misses the point. 

If quiet quitting happens, we as leaders need to understand why it is. Leaders are followable because they seek truth in all situations. So they need to ask why people feel the need to quiet quit in the first place. Are they placing too many demands on their followers? Are there appropriate limits to the work day and week? The point is that leaders need to seek understanding before evaluating the situation.

The other element here is that leaders need to be people worth following. They need to look their followers in the eyes and remind them how much their work means. This is not some token gesture. It is a tangible reminder of the dignity of work. This leads to my second point. 

Quiet Quitters: Do Meaningful Work 

To those actively engaging in quiet quitting, I would tell you the following: do meaningful work. If that means you need to change jobs, so be it. But most people do not have to change jobs, they just have to change perspectives.  

The type of work you do is irrelevant to the meaningfulness of your job. Whether you are a custodian at a local school, a pastor at a large church, or someone in business like me, work can, over time, beat down your perspective of its meaningfulness. It can become mundane, irritating, and possibly soul-crushing. You may be tempted to dread not just Monday but every day. Add on two long years of increased stress and, in many cases, isolation, and these factors can lead to just wanting to give up. 

Given these factors, I am not surprised people have quiet quit.

But that does not mean they should. 

Instead, let’s revisit the three examples I gave above with some added perspective: 

• The custodian can clean in a way that enhances the lives of the administration, teachers, and kids. 

• The pastor can take another meeting with the couple whose relationship is falling apart. It may feel meaningless today, but it may make all the difference in the years to come. 

• The business person can keep going, realizing that what they do matters to the degree it impacts people. 

Work is Human

What I am getting at is that work is human. 

Work is not about getting through the list of tasks, answering emails, or doing other activities. Yes, that’s part of the work. But what makes work meaningful is doing something to improve the lives of others. And that’s why I am so passionate about this topic. 

Quiet quitting lets others down, whether you realize it or not. It places the comfort of self ahead of the dignity of work. It is giving up but still accepting paychecks. 

I am the first to admit that work is not great every day. I am not even remotely suggesting that it can be great every day. I am simply suggesting that it has meaning. It can be directed for good daily. 

And it should. 

I’ll close with one last note to anyone reading this post. Let’s all work with integrity. Let’s be the kind of people that act privately in a way others would be proud to witness. 

This is our one shot at this thing called life. 

So, let’s do things with and through others, valuing people and working in ways that contribute to their value in whatever we do.

Dear Reader, 

This past Sunday began another journey around the sun. Welcome aboard! 

The last few years have been…what, exactly? For some, they have gone well. Others have had an awful time. For most of us, it falls somewhere in between. But there’s one thing that everyone can do if we so choose:

Take a deep breath in…and let it out.

If we are still breathing oxygen, we are still alive. And life is a good thing. 

Peek Inside My Engine

If you’re like me, areas in your life may need repair. Good grief, don’t let the fact that I write a blog fool you — I have my fair share of work to do on myself. Put me on four-block cylinders, look inside my “engine,” and you’ll see all sorts of stuff: disappointments, sins, insecurities, and so much more. 

(In fact, now would be a good time to say a prayer for my wife, who usually gets to hear about these “issues.” Not only do I need a “tire” change on my quickly fading body, but most of what’s going on under-the-hood needs to be fixed up as well!)

Fixing Myself Didn’t Work

I spent the latter half of 2022 fixating on all the problems. But “revving” the engine a little harder and pushing my “car” close to the “E” on the fuel gauge did not produce the desired results.

Fixing myself simply didn’t work. 

Can you relate to me at this point, or am I on the island of my own creation? 

Thank you to those of you who nodded in support.

Spoiler alert: There’s no epiphany forthcoming. But I will say that I discovered I am a lousy mechanic. Not only do I know virtually nothing about cars, but I also know very little about how to fix the human condition of my soul. Thankfully, there are mechanics for both. 

Introducing My Mechanic

I can already feel some of you putting up resistance. “Here’s where he pivots to Jesus,” you probably think. Well, you got me. You can ignore the pivot, keep your “car” on the cylinders and take another trip around the sun on your bare tires. It just would not be very loving of me not to point out that you, actually everyone, has access to an excellent Mechanic.

I admit that we don’t often think of Jesus as a mechanic. He was actually a carpenter and was compared to a shepherd. The Bible did not say he was some tame, boring, religious guy. Rather, he was the kind of guy that had dirt underneath his fingernails, calloused hands, and most likely worn-out clothing. 

Like a mechanic. 

He is not so concerned about “your truth.” He is concerned about “the truth.” And most of all, he wants you to know that “the truth” is that He radically loves you. So much so that he wants to tune you up. 

Like a mechanic. 

Don’t Just Take My Word for It

Too many people speak for Jesus these days. Admittedly, I could be charged with this in the paragraph above. So don’t take my word on the matter. If your time is limited this month, stop reading my blog and read the Gospel of Mark. It is the shortest of the Gospels, only 16 chapters in length. Why not start this trip around the sun by examining whether or not what I say above is true? 

As I close, please remember that this post is as much for me as it is for you — after all, I’m the one whose “engine” was all messed up. Maybe you can’t relate to me. But I suspect many can and do. 

I need to slow down, drive the speed limit, and look outside the dash this year. It is simple yet profound. 

I invite you to do the same. 

I also invite you to remember that the worst thought about yourself, your worth, and your value can be taken to the Mechanic. I know because I take mine there daily.  

I can’t speak for Him — and too many people try to these days — but I think He made it clear that there will be a lot of trouble in this world. He just overcame and will continue to overcome all of that. Yet, the potholes, traffic delays, and accidents will persist for a while. 

This world is broken. 

It needs a mechanic. 

I have found mine. 

Have you?

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 5: Saying Yes when I Mean No

Recently, I was invited to be on the board of directors for a nonprofit organization I’m quite passionate about. I financially support the organization and strongly believe in its mission. So I was honored when they asked me to join the board. 

After the “feel good” sentiments of being asked to join the board wore off, I did not feel passionate about actually joining the board. I was still passionate about the organization — I didn’t know what value I would bring to a rather large board. I didn’t feel good about the nighttime commitments given our family’s stage of life and my responsibilities at Hoffer Plastics. So I called the CEO to thank them for the opportunity and let them know I was going to say no. 

Then something happened: the CEO talked me into joining the board. I found myself saying yes when I would rather say no. 

This made me ask the question, why? Why was I saying yes to something I was not totally on board with? Here are some answers: 

• I like, respect, and want to work with this CEO. 
• I wanted to serve the organization, even if that meant sacrifice. 
• I wanted to give the CEO the answer they wanted because I wanted them to like and respect me! 
• Given my passion for the organization, I liked the idea of being on this particular board.

Do you see the problem with my list? While some of my reasons were legitimate, others were wrapped up in what I thought others wanted from me or based on my desire to be liked by others. This is the false self rearing its ugly head! 

Finding Peace

As always, I prayed about this with Sarah. The absence of peace in the situation made me reconsider my “yes,” and through the encouragement of a good friend, I finally talked face-to-face with the CEO mentioned above. But this time, I said something different. I said, “I cannot join the board right now due to family and business reasons. But I would love the opportunity to join when my kids are grown, and I am a little further down the road with the family business.” 

Suddenly, peace returned! 

I use the word peace intentionally because saying “yes” to things you don’t want robs you of peace. The example I give above is a small one, but it would have impacted my home life, work life, and frankly, everything in between. This would have been fine if it had been what I wanted to do, but in this case, it was something I felt I should do. Living a life based on “shoulds” is a recipe for living from your false self. 

My No Leads to Another’s Yes

The point of this post, and this series, is to live according to your authentic self. It is about being the kind of person who can point out flaws in themselves, hear critiques about themselves, and be patient when things are not going their way. They also can say no to things because they realize they do not have to be the ones doing everything. 

My no allows someone else to say yes. Given my responsibilities this season of life, the nonprofit I am passionate about will be better served by someone else’s yes. I’ll continue to financially support, cheer, and pray for, this organization. But, my yes to serving on the board will have to come later.

This week, I encourage you to pay attention to whether you are saying yes to things you would rather not do. If so, then get honest and be real. 

One last note before closing: I will return to this series in Q1 of 2023 and go through the last five aspects of the false self. For the remainder of 2022, I will repost some of my most popular blog posts from over the years, anticipating that all of us will be less focused on work and more on family and friends.

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 4: Harshness

By their nature, leaders move things from point A to point B. Leadership, as I define it in this blog, is the process of doing things with and through other people. Therefore, one potential leadership pitfall is impatience — the frustration we feel when things aren’t moving as quickly as we’d like.  

In this post, I want to talk about the importance of leaders remaining impatient for results while maintaining patience for people. When a leader becomes impatient, they can often lash out, becoming harsh. I argue that this is often a sign they are leading from their false self. Allow me to unpack my thoughts. 

Impatience Leads to Harshness 

The False Self series is about how leaders are tempted, in certain situations, to be someone they are not — their false self — rather than being authentic. In this particular case, when things are moving slowly, a temptation arises for the leader to act swiftly or even aggressively. While a willingness to take action is easily one trait that makes someone worth following, my argument is that what matters most is the type of action you take.  

For instance, when a project is delayed, is the leader asking questions about its delay or taking potshots at mistakes made by the team? Are the questions being asked in a tone that suggests harshness? Or, based on the questions being asked, can one observe any element of the “blame game” being played? 

These questions are important to consider because they uncover the motive of the questioner (in this case, the leader). As I stated above, leaders should be impatient for results because they prioritize action. But the way they go about doing this matters if they want to remain someone worth following. 

The temptation here is to lead from the false self, one that is highly critical and harsh. To be fair, this is how much leadership is portrayed in television and movies. The “boss” demands answers, and often gets them, but at a cost. People follow out of necessity, not out of desire. 

Understand Why It’s Happening, and Fix the Problem

The leader committed to leading from their real self, however, is already open to the criticism of others, not looking approval from others, and willing to admit their own weaknesses. Hence, they can genuinely and authentically ask questions from a place of curiosity. Their goal is twofold: understanding why things are not moving as quickly as possible, and fixing the problem. 

I also want to point out that not addressing an issue is another sign of living from the false self. I am referring here to being “non-confrontational.” Leaders should be confrontational. Leaders should be impatient when things are dragging on and on. The key is to be both confrontational and impatient in ways that are not harsh, demeaning, or damaging to others. When leaders are damaging, it is often because they lead from their false selves, which needs to be justified at all costs. 

Let this point sink in: Harshness towards others is often a sign that something is wrong inside you. For the leader, it is often an unwillingness to hold yourself accountable. Put bluntly, is your poor leadership the root cause of your harshness? 

I can only speak for myself, but my past harshness has often been rooted in exactly this. In that case, I have done a poor job leading myself, and others. 

The gift of leading from your real self is that you can have any “difficult conversation” because you don’t have to (and shouldn’t be) harsh. You can simply have a conversation. This doesn’t mean those conversations will be easy, but it does mean that they’ll be easier and much more productive. 

Leaders are worth following largely because of how they treat others. In this sense, leaders should be impatient for results because they prioritize action. But they also need to be patient with people, prioritize questions over statements, and treat them respectfully in the process. 

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 3: Defensiveness

Of the ten ideas in this series of shedding the false self, none is as applicable as this one during the holiday season. At its best, the holiday season is a time of reconnection. It is a time of families coming home and being together. There is joy! 

In recent years, however, there have been numerous articles about all the things families can no longer discuss during the holidays. While this post is not intended to discuss all the reasons this may be so, it does cut to one potential explanation: People are easily offended these days, and they are defensive when others (particularly family members) critique them.  

To be clear, I am not above the fray here. At my worse, I am offended by the slightest perceived wrong. And while it is easy to let a stranger’s critique of me not fully ruin my day, the critique of someone close to me can ruin my day and impact my night’s sleep. Worse yet, when I allow these things to upset me, I am tempted to act out of my false self, the one that justifies my views, behaviors, and actions as better than the person who offended or critiqued me. 

Can you relate to what I just shared? 

Moving Away From Our False Self

Notice the progression of what we have discussed so far in this series: 

Part 1: The Struggle of Pointing Out My Flaws and Weaknesses To Others

Part 2: Looking for Approval from Others More Than I Should 

Part 3: Being Highly Offendable and Defensive When Others Critique Me

If we are open to our own flaws and weaknesses, and if we are not looking for approval in others more than we should, then are we going to be as easily offended and defensive when others critique us? 

Of course we won’t! By looking inside ourselves first, we are humbled. By finding healthy levels of approval in others, and affirmation only where affirmation can be found, we can be open to others’ feedback. 

Control the Internal

Yes, feedback! After all, that is what we are talking about here. Notice I am not evaluating whether we should be offended. Nor am I evaluating whether the critique of us is fair or accurate. I am not because we cannot control the external. 

But, we can control the internal. We can control our response. Instead of being offended, we can say to ourselves, “That’s an interesting perspective.” We can then evaluate what is accurate or not accurate about it. The point is that we keep the learning door open by not leading with defensiveness.

Reacting with self-control when others critique is not easy. But staying calm, listening, learning, and changing from criticism makes someone worth following. Imagine how different our political sphere would look if leaders were not easily offended and defensive when others critiqued them. More legislation would likely get done. 

My invitation this week is to take a deep breath when something upsets you. It may be an annoyance, or it may be unjust. Either way, you can only control how you respond to it. By maintaining your composure, you can address the situation from your true self, not the false one whose existence relies on always being justified. You can seek the truth in the situation and move forward with new knowledge. In the process, you will become someone others want to follow because such character is rare nowadays.  

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 2: Looking for Approval

It’s a scientific fact that a newborn baby seeks affirmation from their mother. This is why mothers are encouraged to bring their babies close to them immediately after birth. It is natural, beautiful, and affirming to the newborn. It reassures the infant they are loved and treasured.

As the years pass by, the newborn grows into a teenager. At some point along their journey, they start seeking approval from their friends. Notice that approval is similar to affirmation in that both seek a sense of acceptance. The difference, however, is that approval often deals with external factors, like what one is doing, rather than internal factors, like who one is. 

In other words, no loving mother withholds affirmation from her child. But one could also say that no loving mother approves of everything their child does. This distinction is vital when discussing leading from the false self. 

A Temptation to Lead from our False Self

I want to clarify what I am NOT saying in this post. I am not saying that looking for affirmation is wrong — in fact, I think part of what makes us human is the need for human connection, which is another way of saying affirmation. Being affirmed for who we are is critical to leading from your real, not false, self. 

But seeking approval from others can tempt us to lead from our false self — the one willing to bend to the whims of popular opinion to gain approval and be liked. That’s problematic because it can tempt us to be or act in ways that aren’t congruent with who we really are. 

One issue with seeking the approval of others — a lesson I repeatedly learned as a teenager — is that it never delivers long-term results. Approval from others is similar to a sugar high: It feels good in the moment but doesn’t offer long-term energy and nourishment. Eating more sugar is the only way to keep the “high” going. Or, in this case, seeking more approval.

Organizational Leadership and Seeking Approval

Given this blog’s focus on leadership, there are two things I want to point out regarding organizational leadership and seeking approval. First, there is always a temptation for the leader to lead in a way others approve of. This may mean acting a certain way or possibly doing (or not doing) either popular (or unpopular) things. Leaders, however, are worth following when they stay true to themselves and do the (potentially) harder thing. We should be focused on staying true to ourselves and doing the right thing, even if it is hard, rather than seeking approval in anything we do. 

The classic American example of this type of leadership is Abraham Lincoln. One can argue that he was potentially the most hated President of all time when he entered office. After all, who else’s election led to half the country seceding? That said, we now hold Abraham Lincoln up as the gold standard of authentic leadership. Why? Because Lincoln held to his convictions — preserving the Union at all costs — and eventually evolved his thinking to include the emancipation of enslaved people. Neither decisions were popular with the majority at the time. Yet, this is why Lincoln is held in such high regard all these years later.

The second consideration leaders need to make is understanding that their followers need affirmation. All humans need this. So, while a leader’s affirmation looks different than a mother’s to a child, it is important to still treat all people with respect, dignity, and grace. I use the word “grace” intentionally because we are often quick to slam reputations for the slightest infraction. Yet the wise leader realizes they can disapprove of actions while simultaneously affirming people. To this end, leaders should always treat all humans well, regardless of their actions.

Approval, or Something Else?

The thought I want to leave you with this week is one that I have often been contemplating recently: How much approval from others am I seeking, and is it really approval that I am seeking? The first part of that question is easy to measure. The second part of the question is a question of the heart. Both are necessary. 

They are necessary because the first part clarifies our behavioral tendencies in leadership and life. Changes could range from posting less on social media all the way to making harder (possibly less popular) decisions at work. These are all easy to act on. 

But the second part is also necessary because if we are not clear on what we seek, we cannot lead from our true selves. In other words, if we seek affirmation from others, not only will we not find it in the approval of others, but the disappointment we place on it, or even them, will be unfair. 

As for me, when I am feeling my lowest, I often seek approval from others the most. Unfortunately, this never gets me out of my funk. It is only when I realize where my true identity is, in Jesus, that I find what I am looking for. While this may sound strange, possibly even weird to some readers, I share it because only Jesus knows all my junk, including the things I am most ashamed about, and still affirms me. This frees me to be me rather than trying to seek His approval. For, I already have it.