Leadership

I often bear my soul on this blog, and today will be one of those occasions. 

I was walking our production floor the other day, and it got me thinking about how a leader needs to listen to feedback in real time. They have to do more than just hear this feedback. They need to be able to relate to the person giving feedback and willing to occasionally change when change is needed. 

As I’ve thought more about this, I started to think about this in terms of leaders developing a layer of their personality that allows them to listen to, relate to, and accept the feedback of others. I’m calling this the “leader layer,” and I found myself relying on that leader layer several times last week; here are two examples.

Feedback and the Leader Layer

The first example is a positive one. I went out for my production floor walk at 7 AM on Tuesday and was forewarned that one of our long-time team members was going to seek me out to share their thoughts on a policy they’d been gently reprimanded about the previous week. When I arrived at their work area, I sought them out instead. I asked them how they were doing, which allowed them to tell me why they were not doing well. I listened. I sought to understand their point of view and even agreed with some of their frustration over how the message had been delivered. Still, the policy needed to be followed. Now that they felt heard, they were on board. 

This was an easy win. But what happens when the feedback is a little more personal to me?  

Example two: Also last week, I was working on a company update. I shared it with my sisters, and their feedback was it was too long. This wasn’t hard to accept — I realize brevity is not one of my strengths! 

At the same time, I’d shared a blog post with friends whose opinions I deeply value. Two are book authors, so I was anxious to get their views. And guess what — they thought the blog post was too long! For the second time in twenty-four hours, I received the same feedback in terms of length. While their feedback about the overall content was positive, one of my friends pointed out that it could be even stronger if I cut about two-thirds of it. 

Here’s my confession: Hearing this feedback from my sisters and my friends gave me pause. Neither was especially harsh; they weren’t criticizing the content, just expressing concerns about the length! But as I mulled it over late one night, I realized their feedback brought up feelings of insecurity about my writing. 

Only after stewing over it for twenty-four more hours did I realize that internal struggle is the only path to growth. In fact, I had to ask the following questions to lead myself out of insecurity and back to the path of growth:

• Is this feedback actionable? 
• Is this feedback fair? 
• Is this feedback a chance to grow my leader layer? 
• Am I open to this feedback? 

The answer to all these questions was a resounding yes. 

Developing Your Leader Layer

The leader layer is comprised of feedback, coaching, and in some cases, scars from the past. It is a growth layer born from listening, relating, and acting on feedback. The thicker it becomes, the more you grow. But it’s different than having a “thick skin,” which implies that you can hear anything and let it bounce off of you — having a thick “leader layer” means you can hear things, think about them, and then change for the better when it makes sense.

The question you have to ask yourself is, are you open to this kind of feedback? Are you open to growing your leadership layer? 

Today concludes my four-part series about leadership failures — here are parts one, two, and three. As a reminder, this series stemmed from thinking about my leadership failures in 2022. I am sharing them because I think the lessons are relevant to all leaders, and I hope this series will make you think about your own leadership and what you can do better.

Part 4: I Fail To Lead From the Front 

It’s crucial to find balance as a leader — not only making decisions, doing hard things, and serving as the leader — but also allowing those you lead to do those things. This dichotomy is something that leaders (including myself) struggle with, which was why I was delighted to read former Navy SEALs Jocko Willink and Leif Babin’s book about this topic, which helped influence and solidify my thoughts. As Jocko and Leif point out, every leader needs to follow at some point. 

Golf Caddy v. Head Coach

One of the things I encourage readers of this blog to do is to get to know themselves, their tendencies, and what they gravitate to. For example, my leadership style is more golf caddy than head coach — I like to set up a game plan with those who follow me (see the KRA mentioned in Leadership Failure Part 2) and then let them do the work or “hit the shots.” 

This is different than a head coach approach in several ways. Unlike a golf caddy, the head coach is there every step of the way. They might call a time-out and change strategy mid-game. They may critique performance during the game. They are much more hands-on in every regard.  

My golf caddy leadership style works well when the person I’m leading is a high performer, but not so well for those who need more constant input. So I need to get the hiring process right (something I’ll cover another time). 

What Does a Leader Do From the Front?

What I discovered in 2022, however, is that there are MORE potential weaknesses in my leadership style. I realized this by leading high performers. None of my direct reports performed poorly in 2022 — in fact, I would argue they performed very well! But this experience helped me clarify what my role needs to be going forward in the C-suite, surrounded by good leaders. (Note: even if you aren’t part of the C-suite, the three things I mention below still apply.) 

Think about this: If a leader is someone worth following, and leadership is the process of doing things with and through other people, what does a leader do from the front?

That depends. If the leader is surrounded by low performers, s/he could easily go back to doing the work. And this is tempting for leaders because “doing the work” is what they used to do and probably helped them earn their leadership position. But when you’re surrounded by high performers who are already doing the work and doing it well, what is a leader to do? 

Daily Vision

I’ve learned that my top priority is casting the vision. I know — many of my readers are saying, “Well, duh!” I said the same thing myself a year ago! But I’ve learned that I need to change the frequency of how often I cast that vision. I need to do it daily. 

Yes, daily. 

I need to cast vision every single day, and if you’re in senior leadership, so do you. The “Where are we going?” and “Why are we going there?” questions are the most important ones we need to answer on a daily basis. 

This is a more specific answer to the advice, “Work on the business and not in the business,” which sounds good but isn’t that helpful until you understand precisely what you need to work on. 

Leader-Only Activities

Next, there are activities that only you, the leader, can do. My executive coach shared with me the criteria that Dave Ramsey uses: 

• What is broken? 
• What is new? 
• What is the brand? 

These “buckets” are out at the front, and the front is exactly where you need to be! Now this doesn’t mean you come in on a white horse when there’s a problem. You are not the hero — the heroes are the people doing the tasks. Your role is to be at the front, shielding the people from the blows. 

What does that mean? 

It means that you play the role of David against Goliath — you go to the battlefield first, willing to take on the giant’s wrath. Think about yourself as the Chief Relationship Officer: you meet with the disgruntled team member, the ticked-off customer, or the concerned community member. You shield your team from these things so they can spend time doing the work. 

This is neither easy nor glamorous, which is why many leaders give in to the temptation and go back to doing the work. The work feels better and is easier to measure. Constantly taking on Goliaths is harder to measure, harder to do, and harder to endure. 

But it’s what you need to do leading from the front. 

Affirm from the Front

Finally, a reminder that you need to affirm from the front. Giving affirmation may feel soft, but it’s one of the most challenging things you do when surrounded by good leaders. You may assume they don’t need encouragement or affirmation, but in reality, they probably aren’t getting it from anywhere else in the office. I make this statement because they, too, are leaders. So unless their followers are genuinely telling them what they are doing right, who is? 

You need to be that person. 

It is what makes you worth following. 

I’m not saying you say something that is not genuine or true. I am simply saying that thanking someone after they spent a week overseas visiting customers goes a long way.

In conclusion, leaders are out at the front, exposed, and willing to do the hard (and sometimes awkward) things. 

It is not glamorous. 

It is leadership. 

Leadership Failures Part 3: Failing To Affirm  

Today features part three in our four-part series about leadership failures. Our topic? Failing to affirm. 

Part 3: I Fail To Affirm 

This winter, our family made Sunday night “movie night.” But instead of watching a new movie every week, we have been watching “The Chosen.” The Chosen is a mini-series that depicts Jesus through the eyes of those that met him. Not only is the series extremely well done, but it also leaves you with the desire to drop everything and follow this Jesus. 

As I’ve watched the series, I have become convicted by the example of Jesus’ affirmation of those who followed him. His gentleness to Mary Magdalene, his acceptance of Matthew (the series does a good job of showing how vilified tax collectors were, and Matthew was a tax collector!), and too many other examples to share here. In all cases, Jesus affirmed the person whether they were outcast by society, cursing God for their plight, or just strong-willed like Simon Peter. I simply cannot get enough of this Jesus and want to be compassionate like him. 

The Last 5% of Affirmation

This series has made me look anew at my leadership, and I have to be honest, the realization I’ve come to is that I don’t affirm those I lead enough. There are no excuses for this, and this isn’t intended to be one. I am task-oriented with goals to conquer, and while I regularly spend time with those I lead, I fail to say the “last five percent” of affirmation.  

The last five percent are oftentimes words that the heart feels, but the mind says, “You can’t say that because it’s awkward.” Allow me to give a few examples — and ask yourself, when was the last time you said something like this to someone you lead?
 

• You mean a lot to me. 

• I appreciate having you on the team. 

• Your presence on the team makes my work life better, and everyone in my life appreciates it. 

• I am proud of the work you are doing. I see it. You are crushing it. 

• There is not a day that goes by that I am not thankful to have you on our team. 

When was the last time you said any of the above? Maybe the words I used aren’t the words or phrases you would use. That’s fine — create your own. Make them your own. Unveil the real you, the “last five percent” you.  

Work is Human

I am not advocating that you do anything against your HR policy. Nor am I suggesting you do something that comes off as not genuine. I am simply suggesting that work is human, and humans crave affirmation. This has always been true, and I believe it is even more true now in our increasingly divisive society. 

Leadership is about doing the hard things because that is what makes you someone others want to follow. Affirming other human beings is one of those hard things. It shouldn’t be hard, but somehow it is. As awkward as it feels, push past your hesitation and open your mouth up. Tell people how much they mean to you. 

Say it from your heart. 

Share yourself fully in support of others. 

Doing this won’t guarantee business success, but it will make you the kind of person others want to follow. 

Today continues a four-part series about leadership failures that I started last week. The focus of today’s post? Failing to give direction. 

Part 2: I Fail To Give Direction 

Today’s lesson is so basic that it is easy to discount. But it’s at the heart of the biggest organizational issue I hear repeated time and time again: communication. Whether I am in a benchmarking group surrounded by other business leaders, in an interview with a prospective candidate, or working on strategic planning with our executive team, communication is the culprit most point to in terms of organizational problems. We keep talking about it because we are not good at fixing it — fixing it is so basic we fail to do it. 

Allow me to explain with an illustration. 

More Important As Time Goes By

The day after I met my wife Sarah, I called her to try to arrange our first date — I wanted to make sure I acted quickly. Unfortunately, she didn’t pick up the phone when I called. So I did something I’d rather not admit: I left her a completely rambling voicemail. And I know this will sound cheesy, but at some point in my rambling, I told her that I thought she was amazing and unlike anyone I’d ever met. 

Thankfully, she called me back and didn’t think I was crazy. In fact, she told me months later that the word “amazing” got to her (note: this is probably the only time in my life I’ve ever left an effective voicemail!) 

At some point along our path, “amazing” turned to love. When we crossed into the “love” threshold, we used that word all the time  — as I’m sure you did when you first fell in love! We’d hang out on Tuesday nights, then would have to wait until Friday afternoon to see each other again. We counted down the minutes in between, surviving on phone calls. And, of course, each conversation ended with us telling the other how much we loved them. (Gosh, this is sappy — even I’m rolling my eyes, so I’ll totally forgive you if you’re doing the same.)  

Fast forward to the present, and we’ve been married for many years. We still say we love each other, but let’s be honest — it isn’t exactly the same as the “puppy love” stage of infatuation.

But here is my point: saying we love each other is just as important today as it was way back in the early days of our relationship. In fact, I think it may be even more important as time goes by.  

How Leaders Communicate

How does this relate to leadership? At some point along a leader’s journey, they become convinced that there are things they no longer have to communicate to others. For example: 

• Affirmation (we will cover this in part 3) 
• Direction 
• Vision

And the list above is only the start. The temptation is to believe that the people we lead are smart enough to affirm themselves, know what to do, and understand where we’re going. We have this temptation because if we have hired correctly, the people we lead ARE SMART ENOUGH to know these things. 

But we still need to tell them — just like we need to tell our spouses how much they mean to us. 

Leaders Don’t Insist on Mind Readers

Words matter, so leaders use words. 

Leaders do not rely on their followers’ ability to read their minds. 

The failure above is why so many people point to communication being our biggest organizational issue. 

Just as I would be a fool not to tell Sarah how much I love her still, I would also be a fool for not telling my direct reports what is important and what isn’t. 

Putting it Into Practice

Last year, we lost one of our teammates to their father-in-law’s business. The best candidate to replace them was a very bright individual already working with us — and he’s done a terrific job so far in his new role. Yet, when I was reflecting on his first year, I realized I had failed to formalize a KRA (Key Results Area) with him. To be sure, we had talked through a lot of the things I would have included, but there was nothing formalized. 

I had failed to give adequate direction. 

So we met and talked through the first year. Kudos to him; he had done a terrific job. Our team was moving in the right direction, projects were completed on time and under budget, and his peers praised him. Put bluntly, he had outperformed my leadership. 

Clarity + Affirmation = Effective Communication

As we talked about 2023, however, we co-created a KRA for the year. The way I do this with executives is I allow them to create the initial draft, and then we meet to talk about their three strategic initiatives for the year. Because of our weekly check-in meetings, his three strategic initiatives aligned precisely with what I thought was the most important. Still, this process gave us space to validate it formally and gave us both clarity that this was the direction we were going. Before leaving my office, he commented that he was doing the same exercise with his direct reports. 

Clarity and affirmation are two of the most important seeds of communication. Plant those seeds, and the harvest is plentiful. To this end, a leader must use their words to clarify and affirm. It is not rocket science, so it is tempting to think, “I don’t need to do this.” 

But just like you should tell your spouse you love them, you should clarify the most basic things for your followers. Assuming they know will not only be hurtful but also a failure of leadership.

Today begins a four-part series about leadership failures. The content that follows the next four weeks is based on my thinking about my own leadership failures from 2022. I am sharing them on this blog because the lessons are relevant to all leaders. I hope this will lead you to think about your personal leadership and what you specifically can do better. 

Part 1: I Stop Pursuing When Others Lean Out

A leader is someone worth following. Leadership is the process of doing things with and through other people. These definitions are important when considering lesson one because lesson one is all about relationships. Said succinctly, the leader cannot tire when the relationship sours. Instead, the leader needs to lean in when things, relationally speaking, become difficult. 

This lesson came to me after reflecting on a relationship with someone in our business. At the start of 2022, I began meeting with this individual even though they were not an immediate direct report. Their job was essential to our organization’s success, and they also led other team members. Therefore, I wanted to get to know them better and encourage them in their leadership journey. 

Our monthly conversations were generally good. Admittedly, we didn’t see things exactly the same. But differences of opinion are a healthy sign of organizational life because they help broaden thinking. Our meetings helped me consider a different perspective than my own, and they also helped me get to know this individual better. It was a win-win. 

At some point in the year, however, these meetings stopped happening. At first, it was just because our mutual schedules did not align. Then, it became clear that this meeting was not a priority for either of us because we could never find time for it. 

Stopping one-on-one meetings is not a failure of leadership. However, in this case, it was due to several factors. First, the functional area this person led was one that shaped our organization. Given that I have oversight in operations and sales, I should have an ongoing relationship with this individual. Secondly, there was sometimes a disconnect between operations and their functional area. Our meetings were helping to bridge the gap, so letting the meetings dissipate was, in hindsight, unhelpful to the organization.

Lean in When Others Lean Out

What I learned about leadership from this failure was that I need to lean in when others lean out. Notice that the example I shared doesn’t involve anything nefarious — my sense is that this person just had a lot going on, and so did I. The point is that this is always the case in the modern workplace, so it is not a valid excuse!

A good leader is someone who pursues people. After all, leadership is about doing things with and through others. It is not about you! So again, a healthy leader pursues people because those relationships are how things move from one point to another. 

Manipulation ≠ Leadership

I need to clarify one question that often comes up when I speak about this publicly. The question is, “Isn’t this manipulative?” The answer is absolutely not, but it can be. I acknowledge that someone could, in theory, manipulate others by creating some kind of false relationship and trying to do things “with and through” them. I confess this may be possible. 

However, is a person who would do this the kind of person worth following? And using history as our guide, aren’t these people eventually found out? Once they are, isn’t their credibility destroyed? To be crystal clear, manipulation is not leadership. So that is NOT what I am referring to. 

I am referring to the human ability to bond with other human beings and create relationships that move things from one point to the other. Therefore, a leader should always pursue other people, especially when others lean out (even for legitimate reasons like a busy schedule). 

Followers don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. What turns you into someone worth following is being someone who cares, someone who builds relationships, and someone who values other human beings. 

You and I need to lean in when others lean out. Doing so helps us build the kind of relationships we need to do the things we will turn to in Parts 2-4 of this series. 

Surveillance is NOT Leadership 

Back in January, the Wall Street Journal posted an article that, to me, was provocative. The piece “Mouse Jigglers, Fake PowerPoints: Workers Foil Bosses’ Surveillance Attempts” outlined how employees are outsmarting their bosses’ attempts to surveil them from afar. It turns out that many companies are attempting to monitor what team members are doing from their home offices.

For example, one company installed a program on employee laptops that automatically shut down the machine after it was idle for 10 minutes, thus informing the “control tower” (my phrase) that they were not working. 

There is a lot about this that bothers me.  

1. Let’s remember what leadership is: the process of doing things with and through other people. Nothing in this definition even remotely suggests controlling other people. And at its worst, that’s what surveillance is. It communicates, “I do not trust you to do your job, so I will set up a system to ensure that you do.”
   
   To me, this says more about the leader than the person being monitored. How insecure do you have to be to babysit people? Better said, what does it say about your leadership? Is the work product so unclear that surveillance is the only way you can assess the work? That says more about your leadership than the (perceived) need to monitor. 

2. Second, this perceived need makes me question the hiring process. How effective are your hiring processes if you need to constantly monitor the team members you hire? Certainly, I think that poor leadership is the bigger problem, but I still think this question needs to be asked. What characteristics are you looking for in a new hire? What are your expectations about work, hours, and work product? The clearer you are on these in the interview process, the higher likelihood you will find someone you do not need to monitor. 

3. Moving from the leader to the employee, it disgusts me that there is a market for tips on how to “outsmart” the boss. One individual interviewed in the article bragged about wrapping the cord of his mouse around a rotating fan to keep the computer from shutting down, all so he could go to the gym. Has work come to this? Really?
   
   Look, I’m not trying to be overly judgmental here. But as bad as surveillance is, how is deception better? Unemployment is at historic lows, so why not have an honest conversation with the boss? And if they are unwilling to listen, why not find a job that better fits your lifestyle?
   
   Work should always be changing. What we used to do may not make sense today, including the hours we work. To that end, leaders need to realize that people may want flexibility, even the flexibility to go to the gym in the middle of the day, so they need to hear these desires when they are presented. 

Work is Human

The point of this post is that surveillance is NOT leadership. Period. Hard stop. 

To be someone worth following, you must have real conversations about expectations. Similarly, workers must own up to their needs and be willing to discuss them. Surveilling and deceiving will not make things better. 

I strongly believe that work is human. What I mean is that we are better when we are together. That doesn’t mean I’m against people working from home or holding hybrid positions. It means that even then, human beings need one-on-one relational connection — it’s where we further our trust in one another. And note that my use of the word “further” is totally intentional; leaders have to give trust on day one — one reason why the interview process is so important. From there, trust is earned, but on day one, it is a given, a gift. 

Surveillance is not leadership. I encourage leaders to start from a place of trust, give clear expectations, and provide people the autonomy to decide what works best for them. Of course, this doesn’t mean it will always work out. But it errs on the side of the human. And wouldn’t we rather do that than err on the side of the machine?

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 10: Tension and Stress

My goal in writing this series has been to help leaders connect with their authentic selves. After all, people want to follow real people — the kinds of people who don’t hide their flaws, can take criticism, and can forgive others. 

The Result of Living From Our False Self

To date, I have shared nine ways people live from the false self. Today, we turn to part 10, which is what happens when we live from our false selves. We feel tension and stress in our bodies rather than feeling relaxed. How so? 

• Tension is, according to Merriman-Webster, an inner striving, unrest, or imbalance. 
• Stress is, according to the World Health Organization, any type of change that causes physical, emotional, or psychological strain. 

These definitions point to the reality of living from the false self as we become imbalanced, strained, and tired. We intuitively know, because we can feel it deep inside ourselves, that it is not the way to live. 

Living Authentically: You Have Nothing to Prove

If you have followed this series, I make no claims that living from the real self is easy. There are no claims that following any of the principles will lead to any kind of success either. Life is hard. 

The goal of this series has been to help you live authentically so that WHEN (not if!) bad things happen, you can deal with it to the best of your ability. In other words, your first reaction to bad news won’t be born from insecurity, e.g., “Oh no, I’m about to be found out — they’re going to see past my facade!” Your next reaction won’t be to overcompensate for this facade either. You won’t have to power up, defend your reputation, or prove your worth. In fact, you won’t have to prove anything. 

Why? 

Because:

You can honestly assess your own strengths and weaknesses. 

You no longer look for approval from others. 

You no longer have to defend yourself. 

You no longer are harsh. 

You no longer say yes when you want to say no. 

You no longer beat yourself up about the past. 

You no longer have trouble speaking up. 

You no longer have trouble forgiving others. 

You no longer allow fears to cause you to play it safe. 

This leads to you being you. 

Take a deep breath in. 

Feel the relaxation? 

Now the fun part comes as you get to live from your real self. And that means you can tackle the day’s problems from this perspective. Issues of all kinds will still arise, but you’ll be able to handle them in a way that others will appreciate, respect, and follow. 

From this vantage point, the work can, finally, truly begin. 

Leadership is doing things with and through other people. 

The greatest gift you can give those people is the real you. 

Now go share that person with the world. 

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 9: Fear Makes Me Play it Safe

Last fall, I started my talk at the MAPP Benchmarking conference by telling 500+ attendees that I fear death — and as one who follows Christ, I was embarrassed to admit that publicly. Why? Because as someone who has scoured the evidence of the resurrection, I find it hard to believe that ten of Jesus’ earliest apostles would be martyred for something they KNEW was false. After all, their claim was having SEEN the risen Jesus, not a declaration of any kind of “belief.”  

Fear, our subject today, is not rational. From deep matters like death to personal matters like one-on-one relationships, fears can tempt us to live from the false self. Put succinctly, fears can tempt us to portray the confidence of a fearLESS leader, while living a “play it safe” life.  

Fear Takes a Toll

When discussing fears with other leaders, the conversation quickly shifts to the external. For example, should one change jobs, move states, or go for a promotion? Fear hinders us from making wise choices and also takes a toll on us by convincing us not to take risks in our relationships — which brings out our false selves. 

Is this related to Part 7, not speaking up?  Absolutely. After all, the root cause of not speaking up is fear, so we play it safe. 

Let’s be honest, one of the reasons leaders are followable is because they are courageous. But beware; this is an area where it is easy to slip into the false self — the one that projects courage when there is little to none internally. We may be tempted to believe that only we know when we’re putting up a front, but the reality is that our followers can easily pick up on it when we act in ways contrary to our normal personality or from our false selves. 

For example, we might speak more forcefully to overcompensate for our fear, making us sound (so we think) strong. But, in reality, we sound weak and fearful. 

Part of the Human Condition

Fear might be the hardest part of our hearts to share with others because culture and history have taught us that leaders are not fearful. But while courage may be what they are projecting, what makes them worth following is that they act even when fear is in their heart. Fear is simply part of the human condition.

What if we were the kind of leaders that made our fears visible to others? Would that make us less competent or more? Would we appear weaker or stronger? Would we be living from the false self or the authentic one? 

I am not suggesting that this is easy. Nor am I suggesting that everyone will think we are strong, competent, or even good leaders. I simply suggest we should be authentic — a leader whose internal and external states align. Alignment leads to the authentic self, the one others seek to follow. 

Remember, there is no claim in this series that leading from the real self will help you in your pursuit of greatness. This is not about greatness at all. It is about authenticity and living from your real self.  

The next time fear percolates, I want you to take a deep breath and accept it. You are human. Fear may be part of your story, as it is part of every leader’s story, but it is not your whole story. Exhale the deep breath and realize that your true self can keep going. You are not in denial. You are you. This means that whatever it is that you need to do, you can do. You do not need to play it safe anymore. 

When we accept our fears and move forward with them in tow, we can learn to live lives of meaning with less stress and tension. More on this next week when I wrap up this series.

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 8: Not Forgiving Others

The next time you go on a trip, try this: Put two eight-pound dumbbells in your luggage. I did just that when I was 13 years old. Having begun working with a personal trainer and feeling excited about continuing my training regime on vacation, I packed the weights. However, my teenage brain did NOT consider how 16 extra pounds would impact my suitcase’s journey to our destination, the tiny island of St. John. I suppose it is no shock that my bag did not make it to our destination on time (though it did show up eventually!)

Forgiveness is a lot like that. Refusing to forgive others is a lot like carrying a suitcase with extra weight. By forgiving others, we don’t just lessen the weight; we stop carrying any weight altogether. 

We live in a day and age when the slightest wrongs get people worked up. It is easy to say this is true about others, but harder to look in the mirror and do so. What upsets you? Or better said, who upsets you? Is there a grudge that you hold from decades ago? Or is there a legitimate wrong that has been done to you?

What weights are you putting in the suitcase you carry around each day? 

It’s tempting to hold onto these wrongs — after all, you’ve earned them. At least, that’s what our inner dialog tells us. Certainly, they’re part of your story for better or worse. But do they have to define you? 

The False Self as the Victim

The false self can often be the victim. This word often creates a deep emotional response because we don’t want to be the victim. Not only are victims easier to see in others, but they are also something we intuitively know that others do not want their leaders to be. So we resist being one ourselves. 

Yet what do we become when we fail to forgive? 

What are we when the other side is always wrong? Pick your politician on either side of the aisle. How do they come across when they cannot coexist with the other side? 

Forgiveness is risky. What if the other person doesn’t deserve forgiveness? Or, to take things a step deeper, who is a person that actually deserves forgiveness? 

All forgiveness is a gift — a gift to the person being forgiven. Mistakes are part of the human condition. All of us have fallen short, starting with me. Forgiveness is also a gift to the forgiver. Suddenly, they are free from carrying a weighted suitcase they were never intended to carry. 

This does not mean all is forgotten. Wrongs are still wrong. You may need to create boundaries and reestablish trust. But the heaviness is gone. Your hands are now free of carrying the loaded suitcase.  

Free to Be You

The purpose of this series has been to free you to be yourself. Not the pretend you. Not the you that is overly concerned about what others think. Not the one who is afraid to speak up or who holds grudges. 

The one that is secure enough to let go. 

The one that forgives because they were forgiven. 

If you know Jesus, this is always true. 

And if you don’t, the door is always open. 

Life is not easy. This post does not claim that it is. And forgiveness is not an easy one-time event. It’s a moment-by-moment surrender. It is letting go of the weight and being secure enough to allow the situation to be. It also recognizes the human tendency to pick the weight back up later. We may need to begin every single day anew. 

In my experience, it takes divine power. The kind that remakes you from the inside out. The kind that makes you someone others want to follow. This is not because you are that great, but because the One you follow is. After all, He forgave you. 

I recently listened to an Emotional Healthy Leader Podcast episode by Pete Scazzero (The September 6 episode, Silencing the Seductive Voice of Your False Self) that greatly impacted me. In the episode, Pete said, “one of the most destructive temptations leaders face is living and leading from the veneer of the false self.” He then listed ten examples of how this can happen. 

These examples made sense to me — and I think they’ll resonate with you too. In the upcoming weeks, I’ll talk about all ten. I am doing this because overcoming the false self is the best way to head into 2023. Leadership is about doing things with and through other people, so leading yourself past your false self is step one to leading effectively.

The False Self Series, Part 7: Not Speaking Up

I was living by myself in Chicago. The year was 2005, and I was single — and frankly speaking, looking for my soulmate. My memory is fuzzy all these years later, but I think it was a friend from my grad class that first mentioned an online forum called “Craigslist.” And one of the most popular forums on Craigslist was “missed connections,” where people would share what they wish they’d said when they had a chance encounter with an attractive stranger. 

In case you aren’t familiar with Craigslist, let me give you an example to explain what I mean: Let’s say you’re riding the L from one side of Chicago to the other, and you make eye contact with someone you find attractive — maybe they even smile — but you don’t say anything to them. Then, they hop off the L at the next stop, and you’ve missed your chance to start a conversation. You might decide to post to “missed connections” about the situation in the hopes of making a connection and getting another chance. 

What struck me about Craigslist back then was why someone would post something like that on the Internet! With the benefit of a bit of time and maturity, however, I realize now that people were sharing both humor and regret. And while you may not regret your missed encounter on the L for the rest of your life, other regrets can fester and become part of your life’s story. 

The Pitfalls of Putting Your False Self Forward

Speak up. That’s the focus of today’s post — I’ve found that having trouble speaking up may indicate that you are living out of a false sense of self. Here’s what I mean: 

As I wrote last week, the false self is often the person we beat up for not being “good enough.” It is the “us” we hold back because we fear being rejected. Maybe we act out in a way that, we think, makes us more likable. But in reality, this is not us. It is just us playacting, trying to be someone we are not. This means that the “self” that speaks up to the person we are attracted to might be false. 

I say this because one of the most important moments of my life started on a platform waiting for an L in May of 2005. The girl I was into — Adele — was on the phone trying to convince me to come to a twenty-something church group that met at Joe’s Bar. I was all in, but she was going to be late. As an introvert, I struggled (and continue to struggle!) in situations where I know no one. The last thing I wanted to do was go somewhere by myself where I didn’t know anybody. Talk about a place where my false self would come out due to my own insecurity! 

Adele had already been brutally honest that she wasn’t looking for a serious relationship with me. I tell you this so you don’t judge what happened next: I walked into Joe’s and found a friend from grad school. Thank the Lord, I thought! Then, a few minutes later, in walked the rest of my life. Of course, I didn’t know it then. But after Sarah sat down and we talked for a while, I had a strange sense that this was one of those before-and-after moments. Everything that has followed has certainly been part of my after.

The Power of Authentically Speaking Up

I’ll save the rest of the story for some other time. But the reason I’m telling you this story is this: I know that my conversation with Sarah “worked” that night because I was my real self. Oddly, strangely, and perhaps even divinely, my guard was down because my crush-slash-friend Adele was coming. There was no pressure to meet someone — I could just be me. And Adele saw it too. Or, as Sarah and I have joked ever since, Adele saw her way to get rid of me! 

What’s the implication for leadership? Leaders are worth following because they speak up. We all know this. But the kinds of leaders worth following speak up from a place of authenticity and security. They are confident in their ideas without being bossy or know-it-alls. In short, they are not playacting for the world to see because doing so would just be that, acting. 

God made you as you are. 

So be you. 

Speak up from a place of authenticity, and you’ll be someone worth following.